Love help: I’ve been with my girlfriend for 6 years, and am now facing a multimatum (marriage ultimatum). - Help.com

No, it should be a 100%… She also should respect the fact that you don’t want to get married. Don’t do something you are unsure of, and getting pushed into. You should talk with her and explain even though you don’t want to marry her, you don’t want to lose her and you still love her dearly. Good luck, talk with her!!!

I think this is one of those stories where the ending goes something like “the moral of the story is you should appreciate what you have”. nah nah nah, i know the perfect quote my dude. janet jackson “all in all it seems to go but you don’t know what you got til its gone”

As much as I think giving someone an ultimatum is wrong, I do understand her position. And I see that you are seriously thinking about marriage now.

If you are not ready to get married then you should not marry. So are you ready to be married?

It sounds like you are not ready, so based on that, what do you think you should do? Marry and a few years down the road still regret not having dated more or not marry and date some more with the risk of her finding someone else and never getting back together with her.

Marriage is a contract that says you are going to stay with this person the rest of your life. Yeah, people divorce so you can break that contract but I, personally, believe in the binding of the marriage contract and unless the other person violates that contract I believe you should stay bound to it.

Maybe you should let her go and date some more but keep her close as a friend. If she finds someone else and marries then you will know that there is no more chance with her but until then you can always try to go back to her if she is not finding someone else either.

Live life with no regrets.

Hope that helps. *hugs*

wah wrote:
janet jackson “all in all it seems to go but you don’t know what you got til its gone”

Janet Jackson? That’s from a Joni Mitchell song that was redone by Counting Crows feat. Vanessa Carlton. “Big Yellow Taxi.”

As for the real issue here: Maybe you should tell her that instead of proposing you think the two of you need a break to figure out why you’ve managed to make it 6 years, but you still don’t feel ready for marriage. You don’t have to do anything during that break, just give yourself some time and space to think about your options. Don’t let anyone force you into the next level of commitment. Ultimatums are unacceptable in successful relationships.

You are at an impasse. She wants to be married, but you don’t want to be married. You need to let her go and pursue that goal if that’s what she wants.

It will be difficult and a lot of misery for you, but it isn’t fair to her to keep her from going after her goal of marriage because you don’t want to go through the heartbreak of a break up.

If you have reasons to not want to be married (attached to) a person - they will not change when you are married. There will always be conflict and issues to work out with a partner and differences.
BUT
It sounds like, temperament wise, you would prefer someone more like you - more outgoing, interested in the world/meeting new people. That piece most likely will not change unless she wants it to.
You also sound uncertain because of your lack of experience with seeing who all is out there. It sounds like you want those experiences.
You sound like you dont want to be married TO HER. I’d imagine if she was more outgoing/had the same temperament you would fight to keep her, deMAnd She marry You…ie, its not the marriage part - its marrying her you don’t want.

Breaking up & apart from someone is awful/unattractive - it is painful and has uncertainties with it.
But to stay with someone because you dont want to lose them (fear) instead of because you want to have Them-thatperson- for the rest of your life (love) isn’t so wise…for either of you.

From what it sounds like - you need to move on, are just not wanting the pain and discomfort of that….certainly its more fair to her for you to move on.

Only you can decide. Go with your gut. And dont be afraid of the discomfort part. To me, if you cant imagine wanting a life without her, (not just parts of her) period, she’s not the one.

You can only marry someone because you feel you belong together, that you cannot imagine your life without that person.

When you love someone you accept all of them 100% and do not fire ultimatums at each other. Love provides you with all the answers you need; you instinctively know the right thing to do.

I suggest that if you wanted to be married you would have committed to each other a long time ago and you would not be asking. People in our lives ultimately teach us about ourselves. Share your feelings with her and move on and set both of you free.

“What belongs to us, abides with us and what no longer abides, no longer belongs.”

Try some premarital counceling. see if you guys can work on some issues, the first 5 years are the hardest you are not going to have everything in common. But she needs to let you have friends. She may need some couceling on her own as well. It maybe just immaturity on her part, I don’t know, I don’t know what your friends are like. but she still needs to have friends.

No. Be true to yourself. I don’t care how much time was “invested” if you don’t feel right, it’s not right for you.

Oster is right too, sometimes you need to take heed to that little inner voice inside your head.

I was with someone for 7 years the last year we got engaged, we also broke up, we are friends now but I think we are better now as friends that we ever would have been as husband and wife. She thinks your stringing her along because you can up and leave at anytime and it would all be for nothing. Be true to yourself do you ever want to marry anyone especially her.

Thank you everyone for your advice. It’s been helpful. At this point I think that I realize that it makes the most sense rationally to break things off, but I can’t quite wrap my heart around it.

Mmm. Ok. Let’s feel it out in a different direction.

How would you feel if she was another man? Dating? Married him? Do you want her exclusively for the rest of your life?

hacim8 wrote:
You have already made the commitment so suck it up and do what needs to be done. Marry the girl, dumbass.

No, the commitment hasn’t been made.

A lot of good replies here. Great advice. Let her go is my advice.