I’ve had family problems for a long time, but I’ve always learnt to cope with them and even ignore them most of the time. It’s just this time, it really stung. And I think it is only something one person can really understand if they’re going through it. Thank you.

And no Craft, you didn’t hurt me or offend me. I understood how it must have looked without you not knowing the situation, which is why I explained. Thank you so much for your kind words, too. I’ll get there in the end, I always do. I’ve had my little rave and rant and I’m good to go again.

When you loose something that is important to you you have to greive…
Its okay if it doesnt make sense to other people…

At the moment, I’m trying to get back into studying. I want to finish a Performing Arts course and then apply for Juillard in NYC. So hopefully that goes well.

I’ve had a lot of troubles with my family, In fact, I know my grandparents and my Aunt and Uncle more than my own parents. And Craft, While it may seem my rant sounds spoilt and uncaring, I trult don’t think you understand the basis of my family. My parents hoarded me off to dozens of foster placements, and other family members from the time I was born. My father was abusive psychologically, physically, and emotionally, and a few others thrown in there, but I don’t want to get off topic.

I was pushed into counselling I didn’t need from the age of 4, and family authorities controlled my every move from the age of 5. I was placed into foster care at 14 because my mother went into a psychiatric hospital and there was a restraining order against my father. I’m not saying I’ve had it terrible, I’m just basically saying that I’m just about fed up with drama after drama with my family.

People getting drunk and starting fights at family reunions? Fine. Father deciding we’re moving miles away from where I want to be? no problem, I’ll switch off my phone and ignore him for the rest of his and my lives. Brother getting hauled into court for a stupid conspiracy theory and I’m getting called a sucker for knowing my brother better than the DA? That’s pushing it. Completely screwing me over and breaking a promise when I’ve never asked for a single thing otherwise? That’s messed up.

I wouldn’t say I despise money as bad as that, but I could never have more than needed. I hate having money on me. I don’t understand why people “save” for emergencies when I know some people who use that excuse to say “let’s go and blow it on $150 worth of DVD’s that I’ll never watch let alone open…all in the name of collecting them. They’re just going to be wiped out and replaced with something more modern just like VHS tapes. Mind you, this person is also on welfare benefits and can barely pay the bills…

I don’t really see this whole thing as a money issue, it’s more to do with the fact my family is so dysfunctional there’s actually been time’s where I’ve been so embarrassed to be related to them, I’ve said I was adopted. Even some of my best friends aren’t aware I’m blood to these…things.

I spend most of my life locked in this little cavern of a room so I don’t have to deal with them, talk to them, or even remember they exist. And while that’s normal for a rebellious teenager, I’m a grown adult who still feels disgusted to share the same planet with these people I’m supposedly related to.

They’re selfish, think they’re a superior to everyone, and they cause nothing but heartache and pain to everyone, including each other in the family. I’m surprised some of them are still married, let alone alive. I try not to associate with them, because I know that they’re just people who are so below themselves they’re not worth the time. That might sound like I think I myself am superior, not by a long shot. In fact, I have an extremely low self esteem. But I just like to think I have a few more morals than same in this nutty world.

I don’t despise money, though. I just wish people could use it more efficiently and believe it’s worth killing just to keep it all to themselves…

I think I’m probably the only person in the world who can’t stand money. I hate it and despise it as much as anything else evil in this world. I’d rather be living out of a cardboard box and have not a penny on me, and still be happy.

The car doesn’t even work or run anymore, but it’s a sentimental thing for me. Besides, I’m moving out of home in a few weeks, and the house I have has a huge, empty backyard with nothing in it but a tiny fig tree. It’d suit my style. LOL. One person’s trash is another one’s treasure. In my case, it’s an absolute requirement.

If it’s cash, send it back, if it’s antique…it’s still mine.

When we sacrifice ourselves of everything, it gives us a certain uplifting and freedom within ourselves.

That’s how I took it. But Maybe I’m just in a strange mood today. LOL.

A car that I’ve always wanted to have kept in the family, and that I was always wanting to be mine, -or my children’s, etc- has been sold. My grandparents rang me up to ask and lay the “I need the money” guilt trip. Afterwards, I felt just so crushed. My mother hasn’t been helping either. I’m absolutely never one to complain when it comes to sacrificing something for someone else. I’d probably take a bullet for my worst enemy.

But I just feel as if I’ve gone too far too sacarfice my own happiness for the first time. That car practically saved my life at one point.

May is just an extremely bad month for me I think. Mother’s Day yesterday was rotten, and lonely, I have a few death anniversaries they tie into why mother’s day was so horrible…and my birthday is on the same date as a one of my dearest friends who has passed. This, was just the straw that broke the camels back.

But meh, I’ll be ok. It’s not like I’m not used to it. I’ll find some weird coping mechanism and be smiling in about 15 minutes. LOL.

There I go already.

Thank you. And sorry to have you endure my raving. It doesn’t happen very often.

Just keep swimming… Just keep swimming….