[Help] Can You Critique This Please. Updates to this post /post/286928-can-you-critique-this-please Tue, 08 Dec 2009 16:09:38 +0100 Reply from *Dorien* TTYL /post/286928-can-you-critique-this-please#reply-5111252 xD thanks I guess i will whenever I find one lolol

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*Dorien* TTYL Fri, 03 Jul 2009 07:58:00 +0100
Reply from Jr. /post/286928-can-you-critique-this-please#reply-5086636 [quote *Dorien* TTYL]Lol I guess[/quote]
Your poetry is beautiful, show us more, please.

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Jr. Sun, 21 Jun 2009 10:54:14 +0100
Reply from *Dorien* TTYL /post/286928-can-you-critique-this-please#reply-5086599 Lol I guess

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*Dorien* TTYL Sun, 21 Jun 2009 09:54:49 +0100
Reply from Jr. /post/286928-can-you-critique-this-please#reply-5084869 [quote *Dorien* TTYL]Lol thanks u guys.

You two emily =]]

I usually don’t write my poems in the particular AABB Pattern or whatever.
I usually do it ABAB? (Is that how it is?)

Example:
Our love has grown
The time is near
Blah blah blah
I love u dear[/quote]
Who cares how you write them, so long as they are written.

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Jr. Sat, 20 Jun 2009 18:52:50 +0100
Reply from *Dorien* TTYL /post/286928-can-you-critique-this-please#reply-5083986 Lol thanks u guys.

You two emily =]]

I usually don’t write my poems in the particular AABB Pattern or whatever.
I usually do it ABAB? (Is that how it is?)

Example:
Our love has grown
The time is near
Blah blah blah
I love u dear

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*Dorien* TTYL Sat, 20 Jun 2009 03:20:57 +0100
Reply from emilyb /post/286928-can-you-critique-this-please#reply-5082245 meh, i only corrected the metre, not my words. x

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emilyb Fri, 19 Jun 2009 12:08:55 +0100
Reply from Sir Tannen /post/286928-can-you-critique-this-please#reply-5082244 Good job. *highz teh fivez*

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Sir Tannen Fri, 19 Jun 2009 12:08:34 +0100
Reply from Jr. /post/286928-can-you-critique-this-please#reply-5082242 Wow, emily, you’re good.

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Jr. Fri, 19 Jun 2009 12:07:21 +0100
Reply from emilyb /post/286928-can-you-critique-this-please#reply-5082217 oops third stanza should be ‘by THE day’

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emilyb Fri, 19 Jun 2009 11:31:09 +0100
Reply from emilyb /post/286928-can-you-critique-this-please#reply-5082216 v clever :) youre metre is off a little though (beats per line)

yours goes
9,8,8,10
8,10,7,9
9,9,9,7
8.7.7.6,

now you could justify it by saying that love (especially this love) is complicated and therefore doesnt conform, and the last line is shorter because they/thier love is dead, (cur short)here is an ajusted version useing all your amazing words to make the metre fit.

Together we linger down the aisle
With the two of us in denial
Will our love overcome whats wrong
Keeping the dark away to stay strong

There’s Growing Darkness, we Soon will Face
this shared love we must embrace
and Hold Each Other By The Palm
To Keep The Darkness Peacefully Calm

The Signs, growing stronger by day
No longer can they be kept at bay
The dark has risen and it is here
The end of time is growing so near

We force ourselves apart by the knife
The Dark has caused us terrible strife
The two of us now dead at last
Our Love Rest In The Past

now the metre is 9,8,8,9 throughout with the last line cut to 6 (i like what it represents, not only are they cut short the poem is also.

:)

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emilyb Fri, 19 Jun 2009 11:29:21 +0100
Reply from Anonymous /post/286928-can-you-critique-this-please#reply-5082177 I love that!
The couple are like ,as Meet Jr. said, Romeo and Juliet.
Well done.
Keep writing more!!

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Anonymous Fri, 19 Jun 2009 10:48:56 +0100
Reply from Jr. /post/286928-can-you-critique-this-please#reply-5082159 Wow, that’s good. It’s like a Romeo and Juliet were two loves kill each other, but this poems tells that they killed each other on purpose because of some argument. Very good. Was I close?

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Jr. Fri, 19 Jun 2009 10:37:23 +0100
The post was edited by *Dorien* TTYL /post/286928-can-you-critique-this-please#reply-8519968 *Dorien* TTYL Fri, 19 Jun 2009 10:33:19 +0100