eqspike's shoutbox - Help.com

those novels sound SOOo cool. I’m reading anthony bourdain (you know him - he’s a gritty ny guy - GREat writer - hilarious - has a ‘travel’ show but all very out of the box….’we’re now entering polynesia…i’m wondering what the colonilazation brought the polynesians other than syphillus and shame…’ His book - kitchen confidentials - so far not as good as his show but still cool. I’ve laid off a bit on the yoga - b/c i had targeted kundalini, which has a cult like quality (have stress from bad karma? sit like this, hand cupped, swing past your ear rapidly while chanting har har for 31 minutes and it will be cleared…)…need abundance? stand like this….actually you still end up feeling super charged and good when leaving, but it all got a bit hocus pocus and i didnt like how it was making me feel about myself (judgy and eye rolling inside). But i’m planning to continue/get back to meditating. I wish I was excited - i’m more nervous but believing/hoping/PRAYing that I’ll LOVE it, be GOOD at it -a nd all will be ok. My freind who taught fourth grade (new school near Western and I forget streets) is named Roosevelt he’s from the south too - do you know him? I get - very remote - but just in case!! ANyway - i may check out that historical fiction. Have you read Wild Swans? 3 generations, same deal, about pre and during and post Maou? Its also very good. Anyway good to hear from ya. PRAY FOR me Spike….I am sooo so grateful i have work and, also, very conscious that i am so isolated there. I will miss access to inet and picking up phone (for cheap)…maybe I can get the skype thing to work there but…anyway - we’ll see…..sorry dont sound as pysched now as before…I think the pre-leaving days I’m always a little anxious….also instinctively feel safer here from you know who….this is farther…not knowing what i’ll say and do on that, just leaving it alone right now…but its been a good thing being far far away….omg i sound gloomy - oh well - i’ll letcha know what happens.. anyway - keep me posted. and thx again for being there.

yo! leave sat for indo. how are you? i’m getting psyched so thats good! the guy iswriting ever more flirty chatty emails which is really working for me b/c its so weird i no longer pine, am just kinda freaked i was there…as if i was wailing trying to do cpr on a mannequin this year, you know? sheesh! Praise God!! Omg funny how things change eh? Seen any good movies lately? saw tell noone sunday….it was ok (french thriller) and also the ending kinda silly but loved that a.c. and popcorn hehe.
and you?

not really doing help anymore - better to check emails. waah. i wish i had better news/report. i think i’m kinda still in shock, tough to keep good attitude - REALLY WORK IT EVEry hour omg when did i get so grim? dragging feet regarding going back but frankly think its better to go back, save some bucks, can always come back in a year (not sure what i cld do here to earn that much unless jumped back into autism/my career and just not up for it….)…hint: to try to help, pump the going back - I’m ALREady changing my attitude so i’m bright and cheery to do so…but it Is Tough. My doublemindedness regarding going back (IE the ENTIRE PATH my life is taking) has me freaked but i have to (i dont want to behead chances of being able to work there later, alwyas have wanted to, and kinda think theres a reason i got the job and this happened/will liek it its a 4/5 combo - hey, you in that grade? need some recommend’ns for books…) anyway - wish i had a better attitude. THAt said - at goldenbridg in hollywood daily (GREat yoga place) am picking fruit off my amazing (apricot, orange, loquat, etc) fruit trees, staying focused and AM grateful for what IS good….just feel cut off at the knees..lame but there it is. i dont trust his turnaround and while it seems like it should have been a good thing (it was for like 3 seconds) you and i know what kind of seeds that behavior sows, and no….well, not just self-respecting but …not a wise move in the stability/intelligence dept. to pursue/continue. Too, he’s writing strange emails (kinda weird tone to them, vascillate between standoffish and 1900s formal to kinda jokey/sweet - i think he may have/be going nuts frankly.) I’m sick of the drama, know what i gotta do, would rather stay in LA and go for a rebound/promisc’s phase (not really, but you know, at least find people to connect with)….AND am grateful i have a job and GET THIS: have found someone to rent my tiny studio in pasadena YAAy which will help me with bills yaay!! ANYway - you asked. sorry i’m so down spike….im in that pitiful weepy could cry any second but dont place. I hope you can send an email to my hotmail account and cheer me. Decided helpdot isnt the best place for me either - gotta get away from teh violins, not witness more of them, ya know? EviDENtly. hehe. THAT said - my best friend flying in this weekend, i AM happy to be doing yoga - just loss, thats all…gotta view it like a death..God’s plan…and the good news is i wont have this kind of radical pain (from this guy anyway) in my future. I get really solid then get an email and spin. May very well be I have to block the emails and just move on, period. seems immature and week (could i be that unstable?)….ANYway….thats that. waaaah. sorry! BELIEving though…believing there is a master plan that is good behind all of this…just kinda stuck/sad …PRAY FOR ME kay?

hey you there?

and -you- earned props for not being afraid to speak up. i swear to gyod she was as shallow as an inflatable kiddy pool. i don’t hang around with anyone like that because i find it so offensive and false, and it got my hackles up. but it was definitely a laugh. :8}

yo yo!! thanks for getting my back the other night.. totally appreciate it!! xxoo

to be sure there has been a significant shift for me. one thing i learned in this is Dont Waste Time Whining…get over it. my Bali friends and fam. ,when this went down, they said, ‘well - take a couple of days to be sad then move on. no sense in wasting days agonizing……accept it and look ahead - there’s someone else Better’. when my (bali) grandpa died, i asked if people got sad (b/c everyone was so peaceful about it including him as he was dying) and my Bali sister said, oh yes - for a long time. I asked how long, sometimes four days! HA!! I asked her to take a whole week for me. DOnt you LOve that!! I know what to focus on now/put my energy into…which automatically renders this somewhat cheapened if you ask me…HOWever - you never know. oh lets face it, we know. stick a fork in it its near done. kinda like watching america’s economy. think obama can help? ha! thanks for the bonus points!

up all night…my sleep is still upside down (morning there is night here, et al). yeah - kinda weird…but whatever…kinda a shame but i figure i’m better off knowing now - can always be worse!! thx for your help - boy was i freaked. check that box, that lesson learned (at least i hope!!). hve gd day.

how quickly things change. remember the movie spinal tap? fine line between being clever and stupid….doesnt apply but a funny line! the good news is that i got my spirits up again and was doing okay…what do you think? and why are You up this late? or is it early? me, i’m still not on local time….anyway - w i e r d eh?

well - my reaction was PATHEtic…i actually cried and said i was so happy (blechhh) and then when i got off the phone there was this shift. i mean, this is no prize, is it? wtf? too early to tell. i will say this though: it is a challenge to put something priority one when you’ve Had it priority one and the other has essentially backstabbed it….so my plan is to return …do the job…get into my life..and see. luckily (or not) wont see him for awhile - he’s in oz (hes from austr) and i’ll be you know where…What an idiot though…its not clear to me you can do this kind of thing and ever recover..have anything worth having, you know? i mean i can hang with tough times like the rest of them - but really….axing out of the blue…how to/how to Want to trust after that? shame too. i had thought he was the best guy in the world. now….well, we’ll have to see. the Good news is i had to get off my xxx and get a life, and i believe in Gods plan…we’ll see…kinda sad in a way, dont you think? but i dont feel sad anymore. i think i’d not have had this major shift if he’d had called say, 2-3 days after…but a week? too much time to get on and get goin’, you know? we’ll see …i dont feel punishing or even so angry as before…just….much much …much less interested. wow, huh?

Stunning, eh? (i’ll continue writing) just a sec…

good news and weird news. talked w/the guy he wants back, is sorry, et al.
omg
now i just feel like i went into a horror show and came outside, but still feel weird.
first, elated…later..kinda mixed…not such a great blight but perhaps here i go again….we’ll see. either way - feel good have a plan and feel good about it regardless…isnt that w e i r d??

oh ive been there - didnt know the name- its right next to birds cafe right?

whats the ucb? oh…i’ll google it….

gotcha. one of my best mates is flying into town in a coupla weeks - we’ll check out the point break thing (i can only imagine!!) i usually do the small theatres in hollywood so i’ll check those out too….thanx for the jumpstart.

hey you there (again) yet?

this is gonna sound insane b/c i think thats where u were and we ‘met’ (i was in austral i think)….BUt…what do you suggest for these weeks while in LA? what did i tell you anyway? haha….omg…i’m afraid all this may be karma…gulp…of course the way it went down not … but - well, live and learn. humbling to be sure. thx 4 helpng.

also - while there is inet and lots of groups and websites and can date online and all of that, i just cant think of what i want to do (to make a living) and while i’m really grateful i have a cool pad in pasadena/place to stay - i wasnt planning/dreaming of coming back to l.a. in partic….i’m at home there even without all the perks of here….that said - i’m keeping focused on ahead …not sad so much as just …wow, i’m in this place…not where i’d hoped i’d be but i really DO believe in God’s plan….the other piece which i guess it seems early to address but to me not so much is i really like having a partner…and feel liek i’ve spent this year pretty much single….so i hope i meet someone sometime as insane as that sounds!!! are you even there? i’m gonna go chek….

hey- well- i think i’m going to go back…i have my family there, work, and even tho dont have the resources of here - i think it’d be too easy to ‘get busy’ here and there i’ll really be able to be happy, inside, focus on work and just being…i’m still a bit unsure, have til tuesday to decide - i also dont like to back out of commitment - think i can always give notice if dont prefer it - the thing is cant think of a game plan here, dont have so many friends in LA, mostly in new mexico…whadaya think?

hey - give me a minute - i’ll be online in about 5, that work for you?

thank you. omg thnks. and excuse the needy tone….pathETic…dont tell me not to say that either - best its all out in the open. haha. have a good eve. later - i’ll write more of my brilliant ever useful bs later…try to be still/pray on it. thx u.

thanks….yeah - staying there when i thot i had a partner was lonli-ish…but not so bad…isolated like that w/out a partner..i dunno…i’ve spent lots of time there for years but only in a few months spurts…i guess i had thot we’d be together…its funny too…only i should know the answer, eh? but i am having such a hard time motivating….a part of me thinks that its easier to return, put a year in , save the money but that sounds like a bad attitude already doesnt it? i guess no matter what all avenues will seem kinda uncertain/scary - which brings me back to - shame he couldnt be up front…a breakup is hard enough if hand in hand dissolving kindly but to just cut off?and you know - when i answered your post long ago- this was tTHE EXAct probl in the beginning with us— my bad i shoulda known…but whatever- no use going there, what if what if…i wish i had a better idea….i guess - pitiful as it sounds - if i take that i KNow i have to work starting last wk of july and that’ll be that…i know i’ll look around here…but am concerned i’ll let time drag/etc. and just grab anything…i’ll just have to think about it. its funny sounds like you wouldnt give all the social stuff up…good for you….which probably brings us to whats most important - being connected actually. i forgot you were from houston too?! and since you were down - you turned it around/got a bunch of social stuff/are doing great right? (i’m using you as my case and point on what to do haha!) i’m leaning that way too but we’ll see….thanks thats all i can say…im annoying even myself!

!!! didnt mean to sound defensive re: him!!! sorry - i just think so shabby - if he hadnt just come to town and been, ahem, romantic, okay - but that just made me feel weird, ya know??? you would stay here then? given all i’ve said?…i think i’m leaning that way…teaching is fullon (as you know) i’m scared i’ll be overwhelmed…may just need time to kickit in some brainless thing….augh….what wOUld YOu do? oh - fyi, the money there - i would be able to save a lot, compared, fyi,,,,tho thats the last thing well not last but not at the top…thx d….sorry if i sounded defensive re: the guy…its just all so weird….yeah - i guess - what would you do?

heres what i sent on your email…..

i cant believe - thru all this - i didnt ask - how are you? your school? writing? other projects, etc? i hope alls well. the deal is this: in indo i have a family (indonesian) that helps me/takes care of me…i wouldnt say they are an emotional support but they are a practical support. at the risk of sounding pathetic, this is a good thing when a woman - ugh- without a guy for the first time in a long time (i know may sound dumb but things like electrical, plumbing, everyday household stuff that guys- at least my guy - take care of can be overwhelming if suddenly alone…)…SO- i have a beautiful house where i stay for essentially free. i also have a job waiting beginning last week july - teaching 4/5 grade - but i have to tell them by next week if i dont take it because theyll need time to find someone else. i am isolated there. i can try to get inet at thehouse but the connection is so so and the price kinda high. i have tried to make western friends but not really found ‘my peeps’…i liken it to being on a cruise ship or at camp - enough people to hang with/make the best of it but noone i’m really drawn to/no dear friends like here. as such, i spend RIDICUlous amnts trying to keepin touch with friends here - comes out to about $10/hour or call (i talk a lot!) every time i want to connect with a friend here…which has increased with this situation but i’m doing ok. SO - thats that. The OTHER piece is THis: i have a guest house (tiny but free) i can stay in for basically free in L.A. I have cable tv, dsl, vonage, phne, tiny kitchen, tiny bathroom great neighborhood. i dont have work but am sure i can get sOMEthing. you know LA spike….theres tons to do ….if down easy to curl up and not do any of it - but i like that i have churches, hike groups, inet dating or chatting, phone at my fingertips so i’m not isolated. these are good things — and, too, even if i start the job i am here for 5 more weeks so i can do all that while here. so my dilemma is: to go back or stay here and try to find a job? i MUst let them know by monday (to be professional)…it is a TINy school - GREAT environment - they have an organic garden, everyone is really super laid back, each class only 15 kids…i think i’d like it a lot….the down - havent worked for oever four years….i dont have social life over there, which may be good/ok since first time back in work force. i’ve been wanting to work over there for years, ironic it came now. and while i’m not looking to jump into anything, dating there wouldnt be easy like here….most expats are couples, lots of single guys go for young asian girls - it aint the place to be a single white girl…..and, too, maybe not the time to think o fthat either. NOW: if istayed in LA i could have access to everything, but as you know la is kinda a zoo…and who knows what kinda job i’d get - i’m sure i’ could find something (i’d prob seek temp work to begin) but wouldnt seek my life career from before i dont think (early autism behavior therapist - too draining to think of ….)….so i’d kinda be my worst fear: midlife divorce girl in a typing pool…..AUGHHHHH!!! ANYway - so thats the dilemma. the deal withh the guy is a nonissue- cant really debate/agonize over if it will work or how it will work when the guy chooses to just disappear….i am just praying for him and believing God for karma for him in my darker moments and seeing my own karma in my lighter moments. one thing is for sure: practically speaking, in terms of not having to take care of myself with just physical stuff, my family helps me with and (since its cheap) all practical things are taken care of in indonesia: maid, cook, driver, having groceries bought and put away and even cooked for me….even putting gas in the motorbike, you name it - all things are taken care of for me there. hate to sound pathetic but those small things add up when you get busy working - dontcha think? the downside - little to no social stuff to do, no friends (real ones) to speak of really, and not much connection with activities. in LA i have access to all that (you know, i live near pasadena) and church community and i’m sure i could find work. SO: thats my big decision right now. a part of me thinks perhaps i should take the job and then if i dont like it can return in december…but with an attitude like that……..also, the way the job came to me seemed very God: i heard someone talk about the school, i emailed my resume, they responded the next day wanted to see me that day, the day after that i met with the board director, the day after was made an offer. enough to live on plus save to fly back….SOOOOO: thats the scoop. I hope you dont mind my whining about this…i feel very very blessed that i’m no longer in that heartsick space where i cant breathe/sleep/etc and that God’s really worked with me/i’ve shifted regarding the guy. all i can think is how sad/what a ridiculous way to behave but frankly, onward and upward, not so useful to think of /look at at all. okay - thats what i want to discuss/see what you think about….what you’d do. i wish i could say i knew what my heart was telling me to do….it can go either way….i think too, being kinda in shock, its difficult to think of taking that long flight back again in five weeks and adjusting again to the time change so soon…when i was younger it was no big deal but right now…well, i’m just kind of tired …feel like i’ve been through a war which, if you think about it, i kinda have….ok…thats it….i hope we are on computer at the same time. thx thx thx…..i’ve asked my four closest friends - they all have diff’nt opinions and ofcourse in the end, i have to go with my gut…..same gut who chose this guy, see what i mean? haha.

uh- not buying it for the not talking to me bit. he had visited the week before this, BEEn ROMantic (if you get what i mean) then left and pulled this. he knew he was going this direction - NOt cool. thats the weirdest part. look - i dont want to go over that part or even say anything bad about him - its just not respectful at all to suddenly outa the blue pull out of a marriage and then be m.i.a….it doesnt honor any of what we had together, you know? whatever. i’m not looking to stalk/track the guy. want out, no prob…just think it kinda low the way he did it - not so kind/adult….enough of him - this is about ME!!! hehe…i’ll check your next shout….

SPIKE!!! I sent you a friggin book on your email address…i’m going to read your shout now….and then get back to you…thank you thank you thank you…i’m actually feeling pretty cool/balanced compared to where i thought i’d be…whatever….just THAnks dude…

please please do get on so we can shout. it may be inappropriate and if it is no problem but i can give you my tel number…but prob better to shout…i’ll keep checking…if you get a chance to give me a time that’d be cool. the main deal is: do i stay in LA and look for work or do i return where i have a job waiting (in aug). the problem is that i am so emotionally isolated over there. i’m already ‘over’ the guy - of course not totally but i’m clear i need to onward and upward, keep forward focused….you talk about ‘tell him that…’ - p le a se…as if he was being accountable - he wont answer phone email or text…just avoiding…how pitiful, eh? anyway - whatever - i’m clear i just need to move on. i really want your input tho regarding if i should cancel the job in indo or not…mostly - i dont have a support system there. i ahve an indo family, but no friends..difficult to get inet at home…at least in l.a. there are groups (hiking, etc) join the gym etc and get any old job who cares what…its somewhat unfortunate - i’ve wanted to work there my whole life and now i have a work visa and can start in aug. the other thing is the school already built me a visa - so i have to pay for it if i dont go (about 1500 dollars or more)…but either way i’d have to pay that to fly back too….THat is the most pressing piece on my plate - not him. obviously i need to just move on and figure what i’m going to do….i hope you’ve time to chat…if i can figure out how to give my phone number privately i may do that - not so we can talk but so you can call me when you’re gonna be online if that would be okay….meanwhile i’ll keep checking email. thank you. there arent a lot of people i have to discuss stuff with and, either way, i’d like your input….thx spike

SPIKE!!! ITS LIVE…i am having a super hard time. i think its over with my guy - well i need to end it anyway…i’m back in LA just got here…he TEXtd can you believe he thinks we should quit, right after a (i thought) normal visit…then he came back to indo, was normal for a day…then just packd and left..then called and asked if i wanted to swim at the hotel (he checkd into) pool - can you believe?he wont talk about anything…i said lets split, thats what u want, and he said no….WTF?? think i have to move on/its the healthiest but i’m in that stunned zombie aimless place…can wee talkkk?? (online, that is)…i hope you checkin again sometime soon…you still have my email address? email me….if you dont mind. UGh. how are you? your activities? life…hope alls well…waah…xx

thanks
but teenage girls are very judgmental.
no one can change that.

eh idk.

i am not a lesbo.
they just love spreading rumors.
making fun.
and fucking with me.

i am weird around other girls they think i am annoying and lesbian(i know).

yeah but it is hard for me.

True but I will just concentrate on my work I don’t have to have friends in hs.

just 3 more years of hs.

yeah i know but it really hurts when they laugh at me.

Hey!

Merry Christmas :)

You are Welcome, and Thankyou :D

Hi :)
How are you?

I am sending my Christmas greetings already, just incase I don’t see you here before the big day, I am sure I will but I would rather be safe than sorry!
So….

Hope you have a Fabtastic Christmas and new year!!!

Emily
})i({

omg your story was hiLArious!! how funny is that - a nature stroll turned boot camp…sounds TOtally cool. I’m glad you had a good birthday….too bad about the skull…youre a better guy than i, i mighta taken it but -yeah - not good modeling for the little ones….
Bright Eyes was AMAzing…I mean - that guy is incredible..yeah - I THink I’m leaving Monday - say ‘think’ b/c its funny - this is the FIrst time in forever, I’m not wanting to…I’m in a groove w/the yoga thing,the swim thing, my (newish) church, etc… so it could be I’m back in a month - say ‘could’ b/c, ALways, reliably, when I go ‘home’ and plan to return - I always extend - sometimes for months and months but we’ll see ….some too is kinda b/c of the split w/my folks…nothings going to change about that (they were given a differnt email than my regular, a subaccount, and I wont check it…I know them/their pride..they will not write again except, if they do, to be mean but I doubt even that - we’re done)…but its kinda like if your dog dies or something - doesnt make sense but dont want to leave yet — cuz I’m REal clear, dont want to ‘take that w/me’/(spirity/emoty) and am not sure I”m done processing it - ON the other hand — BEST to leave it alone w/God anyway…use this as an opportunity to not think about it anymore. JMeyer has the most interesting take— if you have a big problem, pray (ask G for help) THEN - IGNORe it and help others, do other things, etc….she says - whats the point of reviewing, going over and over it. I like that, don’t you??? It really Is wasted energy, and nothing fruitful comes outa it….I think the same w/mysituation… I’m not obsessing Much, but daily I think about ‘what could i do diff’t'….nothing really, other than take it up the butt (as my friend Richard says - which is hilarious b/c he’s in his 60’s, has a ton of phDs, is totally respected nationally, and delivers that line w/his calm, even tone!! isn’t that a hoot??!!)…aaww - you’re not rid of me yet Spike!!! i dont have inet in the village, but AM going to look into how much it costs…. my guy and i discussed it b/c he’s all over the place….either way i go to inet cafes weekly sometimes daily…it sounds weird - but I dont think i do want inet at the house — it IS really isolating/would be so easy if i did have it - but i think theres a simplicity to that which i like….you know what i mean in a way?? or, could be, maybe this is me just being an idiot….probably more likely - and it really IS like self-torture going over and over and over trying to find a diff. solution….sigh (kinda, but not in a sad/woe is me/violin playing way, more like a wowwhat an idiot i can remain!)..and, that said - it Is kind of weird - but i gotta let it go - this is WHy i need to set boundaries to begin w/-weird stuff’ll come down (bad stuff) and i’ll go over and over it - no good point/light in that…That i wont miss. oh - and embarrassing as it is - my mnister gave me a book called (augh i hateselfhelp stuff) boundaries..christian/everythign supported by scripture in a gentle way -it is AWEsome spike - REAlly deliniates the (unhealthy) ways in which people manipulate, use guilt, anger, bullying to control others - and how if you know you’ll get one of those when you set a boundary - NOt healthy - and how ..it is REAlly easy reading and SOO wise…I say this to not b/c you would ever need it really - but I kinda think its good for everyone to read/have read b/c it is useful to know/easily see all the subtle ways that are not useful in communicating…naturally i saw everyone else in that, not me haha..i then relooked thinking about/seeing if i did that stuff…mostly i’d say i did for many years many years ago, NOw I feel pretty good but (still, and thats part of the hook w/people who are this messed up) I feel like..there mustve been some other way…but am clear - there’s no other way other than being kinda invisible/made to feel bad on a continuum….omg I got on that spiral again!! lastly - my friend Richard had a great metaphor for me yesterday I want to share with you (a gift! your virtual bday present hehe!!) I think is SO useful for when dealing w/darks/having to let something go emot’y/spirit’y and still revisiting it - he asked if I knew the story of the sirens and the ships….how the sirens would sing amazing songs to attract the sailors and they would steer their ships into the rocks/crash and die….he said that the captains’ had to be tied to the mast by the crew to save them…and he said…its the sirens calling ellie (glad to meetcha, thought it kinda weird you not knowing that!…isn’t that a good metaphor for when we let our thoughts sit and camp out in dark places? or when we’re drawn to what isnt good for us? I just loved that. it fit so well. SO - now that i’ve rambled way too long aGAin…(sheesh)…I’m off! I’ll letcha know if I change my flight dont leave until very very late Mon night….wanna keep in touch spike…your my virtual best friend, and i wanna hear the victory stories about how you find community, peace w/your homelife, and have a wonderful victorious joyful life/time living in LA…do you wanna xch emails? my guys ok with it or is that not cool? i was thinking its more anon than here but not inappropriate/dangerous…whatever your comf’ble w/…do tell.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! That Is kinda weird - but isnt that the best day of all?? I agree re: the writing….I would look up in Bali and a day and a half woulda passed - really weird, eh?! cooool!!! hope you have a great b/day. thx youve been a great virtual friend!!! I hope you make this year peace/joy/and fruit ful as ever…..ANd - thanks for your help. yeah - i picked up the (embarrassing to own, let alone pick up book recommended by my minister)called ‘boundaries’ (hehe how pathetic!!! I HAte selfhelp stuff/titles in generale!!)….ANd read it last nite — OMG I am SOOO glad i did that!! The sucky part - i really didnt do it WEll, per say - not with a lot of grace/in a way that is completely loving and kind - but, the way I see it - I did the best I could ….what can ya do? and, either way, would most likely end in the same result (dont want to get sucked back in dwelling on that piece)…..SO - I’m going to bright eyes (yaaay!!!) tonite and then (think I) leave on monday - blah blah. MOST important - happy birthday SPIKE!!!!!
here *** a cake w/lit candles*** blow em out, make a wish…..

yaaay! me too regarding the truth will setcha free!!!!

ok - get how jaded i have become. my sweetie has business trips in malaysia and germany - and i’m all, well, can you just come to bali? we laughed….we’ve been all over the place for 2 years finding what’ll work best for us - but we find it hiLArous b/c travels always been my thing….on the other hand….germany, cold as Fxxx, even now, next month even more (that awful chill to the bone cold).
I feel good about my decision, less sad and more wise. It is so much more joyful/peaceful to have healthy relationships w/people who aren’t into the victimy/wounded thing/take responsibility/accountability for their place/where they’re at ….i will Not miss that ongoing misdirect/blamey stuff. I mean spike - it was NEVERending rollercoaster of her down/up/down (mostly down/angry/frustrated) ALL pointed to things/people/etc. outside of herself - but in reality just her being unhappy/needing to be a victim/blaming someone else for the ongoing darks inside of her…omG it is such a joyless/peaceless way to live….i believe i was like that for years myself. I thank God so much that I have been able to essentially free myself from being the target of that nonsense. and yet, still, sad …..her constant putting of lack of peace/joy on others ….. kinda contorting/create that scenario on a constant….to match her inner state of chaos….eew! Thank GOD for GOD and the amazing minister who has helped me with this. THAt said - only 2 days til bright eyes!!! And i think i go to indo monday….i’m gonna get 2 more pups when i get home (i told you what happened to my dog sophie over there? yikes)….anyway - yaay! And i’m glad for you too that youre in a place of truth/understanding…have more peace. Peace/joy brother….**a toast** to building lives with God, and therefore truth, and peace/joy, at the center of it!! **clink! thanks for your responses. helps more than you know. sometimes easier/better to share stuff w/virtual (hehe) strangers than spread around the vibe in your own (realish) world, ya know? :)

hey thx for your shout. yeah - the barber was really cool. sad to say, i’m glad all that came down. i feel like i’ve known and had evidence, but not dna or sound forensics for where i stand w/my folks for years, followed that belief, and was ‘rewarded’ with the real forensics/dna as a result…..you know? but do know- nonetheless - less chaos/up-down/well, face it - dark awful stuff gone. i am better off w/out emot’y unstable people creating chaos. can I just SAy how much i value peace and joy now??? Praise God!! Sounds like you’re in good place too…..cool. Nothing like being clear, regardless of outcome, eh?

Yaaay! re: your friend reconnect.
no need to worry about the visit - got a f-off letter from my stepdad too now.
really a relief, an emancipation/vindication that what i did was right: the bottom line: my setting boundaries/not good enough/no relationship at all….Whewww…..like a sigh of relief but feel sorry for them kinda - mostly SOooooo glad to be outa that chaos/neverending strife/darkness….its all i can do to not cancel the subaccount/email they have but for now wont - its immature and not necessary - i’ll just never use it or check it….i feel FFRREEEEEEE and somewhat weird….but all in all- happier this way than not/really shows me that i’m doing the right thing. life is w i e r d!!!! thank you spike….off to bali monday but now dont have to go right away - will decide later….off to cut off my hair….by this cool old 85 year old barber!!!

I don’t mind listening to your violin music.

I definitely understand wanting to move forward with your decision and have the whole thing going forward full swing, and that your step-father’s trip would hamper that.

But don’t worry, it isn’t a permanent thing. It’s just a minor speed bump. Until the visit try and not worry about it, and enjoy yourself. Then you can just take it one day at a time during the visit, and after its over, it’ll be done with, and you can keep moving forward.

Plus there is always the chance that his cancellation will come at a future date.

Is it possible that he assumed his cancellation would be automatic, and wouldn’t inform you because he assumed you’d know he wouldn’t come now?

I have no idea, but no matter what I definitely understand the feeling of making a decision, and looking forward to living with that, and proceeding down that path.

Here, things have been OK. My wife has been very pleasant lately, and said last night that she feels more balanced now. But I’m keeping my eyes open, and ready to move ahead with the split should the progress not continue.

I did recently get a message from an old friend that I haven’t spoken to in about 5 years. It was great to get the message from my friend, but we’ve just been playing phone tag for a while. But for a long time we both thought we had lost touch for ever.

Anyway keep your chin up, and you can be happy with the fact that you have definitely decided on a course of action and proceed with it, even if there might be a speed bump along the way.

omg it just kinda hit me what i’m doing.
i’m really super sad. but not like i used to be prior to having faith, God …for SUre not that bad. I am sad (embar’s’d to say) b/c I was thinking my stepdad woulda cancelled his trip by now and the whole nightmare drama woulda ended and be behind me. I’m happier for him, and what it means for him, that he didn’t - but i’m sadder for me. Just thought I’d (pick up a violin and play it for myself - as me & my guy say - dont forget to leave a hand free so you can nail your feet and your other hand…haha)..just thought i’d have a whine about it. Sorry to be such a waah waah. but i’m SOooo glad I can…waaah. i think i’ll look at darfur on the web. that’ll be sure to shut me up. i hope. haha.
hope you dont mind Spike. i’ll put away the violin soon.

well - alls quiet! i hate to say it but kinda hoping my stepdad cancels so it can all be over and done with. he hasnt yet. i’m stunned. i can only imagine the onslaught he’s getting to do so (her only way to get at me). but - even if he comes - i’ll just refuse to talk about it. augh. is it wrong i’m hoping he’ll back out? a part of me wants to cancel Him…is that wrong? prob. so.
i guess if he doesnt cancel by next week it wont happen. wouldnt you wish he’d cancel too if you were me? its been like having wolves outside the door - i’m kinda glad to be moving away from that, ya know? meanwhile - yaay cant wait for bright eyes! howre things your end?

hey - one last thing - did you see the post ‘how to get pro bono lawyer’ - i just wanted to say i replied,’get put in prison. they’ll give you one.’ i thought it was funny anyway…hehe.