tstove's reply history at Help.com

I know where you are, and all I can say is “I’m sorry”. I don’t have any good advice to give you, because I have just resolved to accepting things for what they are. I was heading down that path to where I didn’t love him anymore, but I remembered what I fell in love with, who I fell in love with. I realized that it is not his fault he is unable to do the work he used to. He is doing the best he knows how, I have encouraged him to start his own business, but we lack the start-up money and we live in an ecomically depressed area, so the risk is very high. I understand his worries about taking the risk, although I am willing to take the risk, he is not. He is afraid of failure, or success, I haven’t quite decided. I know this phase will wear off and I will once again be at my wits end. I don’t know what to say, besides when I said “for better or worse” I meant it and I just have to remind myself of that. How would I feel if I was suddenly unable to work or clean house or carry my weight in one way or another and he left me for it? that is what I have to ask myself, “put yourself in his shoes” I say to myself. But we have been living at his mothers house with his brother and my three to five kids for 8 months now, my kids have to sleep on the floor, we can’t pay all the bills without his brothers help. all my stuff is still in storage and everyday we hear complaints about my kids messing up the house or breaking something else, her house is still full of all her stuff so we can’t fully move in. It’s a terrible situation. our credit is terrible, so we can’t get a loan. We can’t afford to rent a house, and we make too much for low-income assistance housing. I just have to keep plugging away at this grind stone and repeat “This too, shall pass”.

I think you are way past me in this scenario, sound like you are to the end of options, but…….if you still love him, then there is still a chance. If he still loves you, then there is something to work with. I often think maybe it would be easier on my own. but I would miss the companionship, the emotional help, an extra shoulder to carry the burden of life.

I’m sure I haven’t been much help, but hang in there. I can tell you are a strong woman, you have made it this far on your own. supported a family through the years, successful in raising your kids and helping them through college. buying a house, putting yourself through college classes and bettering yourself. Maybe the men in our lives are sometimes moral support instead of financial. I think the roles in marriage have flip-flopped these days. While I completely support the idea of equality in men and women, I sometimes wonder if our fore-mothers had known what they were creating if they would have avoided Womens Liberation. But we are strong and can adapt, more women these days are the bread-winners, they are the support roles in the family…..I don’t think we are supposed to change that now, we can only adapt.

thank you

if you are in Arizona try NACOG or an affiliate, they help with emergency assistance or can refer you into the right direction.

We have considered that. In fact he first quit his job to get his contractors license because of his back problems. running a construction business would be better on his back than the actual framing, but the guy we were goin to go into it with fell through, now we don’t have the money. So I started to push him into opening an engine garage, but he doesn’t like to do mechanic work, ( he can, he has done it since he was 12-he just don’t like to) but he does like to build engines and has a great reputation in town already. We can’t get a loan because our credit is soooooo bad. So I pushed him to get his brother-in-law (who is working for) to help us out, he had a shop behind his store that would have worked out perfect. If he would just help us to get started. But his b-n-l shot him down because then he would lose his lacky and even semi-threatened him “well, if your not gonna sick around then I need to hire and train someone else”. making my husband doubt himself and feel powerless. So he gave up. He licks the feet of this guy and it sickens me.

Every thing I come up; with he throws roadblocks up to them intsantly. I realize he has insecurity issues and I think is afraid of succeeding or afraid and trying and failing. but I can’t keep trying to help him when he is not helping himself. and should I let our family suffer because of it?

that is a good suggestion…I will try that. thank you both for all your help. I feel I have a little direction now instead of screaming into the wind.

thank you so very much…your advice has given me stuff to consider. I have already tried that route to a small point, the problem is we still dont have enough money to pay for everything. Even now, when he is not spending unwisely, we just need to make more money. WE are paying only $300 dollars a month for rent and cannot pay all our bills, how will we ever be able to move out?

I do appreciate your replys….I know there is too much history here too relate it all so I can get a truly informed advice. but I do appreciate it. maybe we need counseling. I have thought about that before.

you are absolutley right. This has been the story of our life for 13 years. I have made budget decisions, I have simplified things (turn off the cable, internet, phone) only to have him whine and complain until I turn them on a month later. I get a second job, he goes fishing. the kids and I go without new clothes when we need them, he buys new socks because his are stretched out…examples like this over and over again. I make a budget and plead with him to help me stick to it, but he wont. I might as well be pulling teeth. Honestly, he has his money and I have mine. He pays his truck payment and I pay my car payment and then it is “Oh, do you have enough to pay the electric? I can pay the phone, but not the cable” how do you budget with that. He doesn’t trust me with his money and I don’t trust him with mine. Why? because we have tried it before and things don’t get paid. I want to pay everything first and then live on what we have left. he wants to pull out what he wants to live on and then pay some bills with what is left over….. so yes, you are right I already know what I want to do. I am tired of living like this year after year…..but the kids. my oldest ones tell me we would be better off, but do they really know? They at least can see how he brings us down but they don’t realize how important a father is. but sometimes a dead-beat dad can live in the same house with you.

I am not offended by what you asked…you hit it right on the nose. I want to leave!

I have climbed up the career ladder 4 times in the past year. I am trying to better my self. His cars are older cars that his dad has had and he has traded for and most of them he won’t get rid of. he has in the past, though. I have talked to him and I get nowhere. I have left and he promised things would get better so I came back. I have threatened to leave again and nothing but empty promises. the bills are in his mothers name so we can’t turn them off, she has to. (another issue). I am not afraid of doing it on my own, I know I can because I know how to simplify my life. The question is: is this a valid reason to split up a family? I know it could be worse, I know there are families out there who are sleeping on dirt floors with empty stomaches. I don’t think my life is unbearable by any means. But why should I settle just because it “could be alot worse?”

yes I do. But how many years can I put up with dodging creditors and stressing over bills tht I can’t pay? when times get tough I get a second and third job. He refuses to work anything over 40 hrs a week. He like to build engines for his cars and race them. This is very expensive. He doesn’t always buy evrything new. but it still puts us in a bind. Last night, while walking through the house to get ready for bed I look at where averyone is sleeping. My husband is sleeping on the couch (where he has been for about a month) my oldest daughter (15) sleeping ont he other couch. I have given the our bed to my two youngest children and I sleep on the floor at the foot of the bed. What about my girls, don’t they need privacy? My 3 year-old son says to me last night “I wanna go home”. I turn to him and say “honey, we don’t have a home”. WE have been living here for 7 months, with no hope in sight to ever moving out. His brother helps us pay the bills and still we are about $400 short evry month.

along with another suggestion…if you like military life and it seems to work for you, try a different service like the air force. My brother is in the air force and he likes it so much he will go career and retire. he heas been in it for 7 years ahas been deployed to Africa, Afghanistan, Indonesia and Iraq. The longest period was 6 months and he never was close to any action (or so he says). he is a helicopter engine mechanic. He has a wife and 2 kids and they both are very happy with the military life and the support they receive. I am not pro-military by any means, nor anti-military. Some people just do well with the military, you might be one of them. Remember this: any one of us can die today or tomorrow in a car accident or an unforseen medical problem. nothing is safe, nothing is for sure.

try www.NationalHomeownersFinancial.com

what you’re feeling is completely natural. we all have insecurities and self-doubt. sometimes it is easier to live in our fantasy than in real life. fantasy is easier to manipulate. if your afraid that this person wont return your feelings or doesn’t return your feelings…how do you know? until you ask the right questions you will never know. sometimes it takes a huge leap to take that chance, to put your heart out there and leave it vulnerable, but sometimes its worth the risk. just remember, if it doesn’t work out the way you dreamed it to don’t let that devistate you. there are other fish in the sea, maybe a better one waiting for you that you haven’t even fantasised about.

Life is depressing…all around us. There are so many bad things everyday that chip away at our happiness. There is no single answer to fix the problems that get us down as we are all individuals. Find a network, whether it be in here, a church, a crisis center or volunteering. Some days it will be easy to find your smile, others it will be harder….just remember this “this too shall pass”

hang in there