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• How to not feel guilty. posted (2 years, 1 month) ago
  I feel guilty almost every other day. Especially when it comes to family. Codependancy issues I g…

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• I still cant get over him.
  

  There was too much in her life that made her feel inferior to him. There was not only race but educational standing and what she called “social status” she had known that he was too good for her and that he didn’t deserve what she was or how she lived. Everyone else said it too. No Indian and Whiteman should be together, that they looked stupid together. That she was stupid. What did he want with her she’s not good enough, she is a *****. She believed them. She tried not too. Hope your not getting serious he’s only your first. It all became too much. The pressure to be good, successful and educated. Them, her past and all her ghosts. Fat, Ugly Indian. She burnt out. She couldn’t do it. She had convinced herself that she wasn’t worth him.Then She needed him, she loved him She was so sorry. No matter what she did, no matter how much she begged, she had managed to push him from her life forever.“Seven Purple roses for every month I have loved you and one white tulip to show Ill never stop.”
  
  You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.
  
  Yet in the end she found out that all he wanted was her and her love, nothing else.
  
  She had remembered the first time that she had gone home with him for Christmas.They had driven for hours and many miles until they had come to the most beautiful city she had ever seen. It was simply amazing. She looked out the window in amazement. The mountains where huge and the highway was steep and winding up the side of the cliffs. She had never seen anything like it and she knew that she would never again see such beauty as that.
  
  It’s for the best. Part of her said. He’s better off without me. I’m not used to love I’m not used to someone being so kind. I’m not used to being treated like a human being. I don’t deserve it. You’re an Indian he’s white. Be mean so he won’t love you anymore it’s the only way. He’s going to be better than you……. he needs better than you. He needs someone as good as he is. Be Very mean. Make it hurt.
  
  She remembered the last night that she had spent with him she had left her aunts home where she was staying and knocked upon what was once their apartment door. He had let her in. He was sleeping. He looked at her so much pain in his eyes. She sat down on the couch and asked to hold him one last time. He let her. He placed his head on her lap and slept. She watched him sleep that entire night. She stroked his head and memorized every inch of his face. Crying silently as not to wake him, watching him, feeling him, her heart breaking. She had known that she had made the biggest mistake of her life.
  
  Standing on her grandmother’s step on the reserve, he came by and dropped off some things she had left behind. Again she begged. He said “No, I can’t things are different now. Ill always love you”. Both of them crying they held each other for the last time, not wanting to let go, one last kiss. He left. She, standing on the step crying inconsolably, and he driving blindly away forever.
  
  Part of her had died.
  
  Parts of her still do. Her life now, she loves. Not the same, not as intense. She’s unsure, waiting, hoping.
  
  Even to this day his face is still clear in her mind, his arms she feels, his voice she hears. She sleeps, that’s where she has him and where she lets him love her. In her dreams.
  
  **
  Its been almost 2 years since I wrote that. At times the pain is still there.
  I dont try and get rid of it, I try and embrace it, and learn from it.
  
  When I miss him I read this very journal entry.
  
  I hope it helps.
  - written 2 years, 1 month ago

• I still cant get over him.
  

  I don’t have a clue how to help you. All I can tell you is about my own story and past expirience. I dont mean to be racist in this post, because its what was going on in my head at the time.
  
  **
  To some point her life was not her own. It belonged to everyone else. She had seen things and done things that a normal person should not have to do. She had this huge wall around herself and it seemed unpenetrateable. She was the eldist of four siblings and never did have a father around during her life. Only a Mother who was abusive and many other demons that made her who she was. She had let everyone take her life, never knowing what life she might have had.
  
  She met him.
  
  Her 23rd birthday he had sent her 1 dozen long stemmed roses ordered all the way from the united states. He had never even met her yet. They had met online and began talking. It had been months. July 11, 2001 He came to her. In what should have been a 45 hour drive he made it in 21 hours. Only because he needed to finally see her. They had stolen each others hearts. All she could remember was how tall he was and how blue his eyes were. He took her in his arms for the first time and told her that he loved her and then he hugged her tightly.
  
  There was a slight chill in the air; you could hear the strains of the live performance being given by Chantal Kreviazuk. Her only instrument a piano and her soulful voice. Up in the stands there was a man and a woman. She looked up at him by her side and watched him. She had seen how beautiful he was. The goodness that shone in his eyes the rise and fall of his chest with every breath. He knew she was watching him. He always knew. He looked towards her, shifting his weight and placed a loving arm around her. He was her home and she was his. Nothing more mattered in that space and time. As always it stood still. She marveled at how eyes so blue could comfort her with a single glance. How his touch could take away any pain that she had ever had. For a while she believed she could do anything. He believed in her. He loved her. Unconditionally.
  
  Continued….
  - written 2 years, 1 month ago

• How do I keep the dark all-embracing loneliness from consuming me?
  

  You make the choice to not let it get you down. Why would you even fathom letting lonliness take you down and kick you? Pull your gut in and take on life.
  - written 2 years, 1 month ago

• 1/10 of 95= i’m lost on this please help
  

  Did you get that?
  - written 2 years, 1 month ago

• 1/10 of 95= i’m lost on this please help
  

  9.5
  - written 2 years, 1 month ago

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