An 80 year old man goes to a doctor for a check up. The doctor is amazed at his shape. “To what do you attribute your good health?”
“I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in good shape.
Get up before daylight, chase turkeys up and down mountains.”
The doctor says, “Well, I’m sure it helps, but there have to be genetic factors.
How old was your dad when he died?”
“Who says my dad’s dead?”
“You’re 80 years old and your dad’s alive? How old is he?”
“Dad’s 100. In fact, he turkey hunted with me this morning.”
“What about your dad’s dad - how old was he when he died?”
“Who says my grandpa’s dead?”
“You’re 80 years old and your grandfather is still living?
How old is he?”
“I suppose you’re going to tell me he went turkey hunting this morning?”
“no, he got married.” The doctor looks at the man in amazement. “Got married?
Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?”
The old timer answers, “Who says he wanted to?, he got his girlfriend pregnant”
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” says grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.”
“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,” grandpa says with a big smile.
“There’s a musician here — he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!”
“There is a judge in here — he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honor!”
“And there’s a physician here — 90 years old. He hasn’t been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor’!”
“And me……, I haven’t had sex for 35 years and they still call me ‘The Fucking Mexican’ !
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with
nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? something is out in the wind for
everyone to see!” he exclaimed. The old man looked
off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below
the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looke d at him and said, “Well….last week I sat
out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s
Can you believe it? My Income Tax return form has been sent back to me because, in response to question 4, “Do you have anyone dependant on you?”, I replied :”2.1 million Illegal Immigrants,1.1 million Crackheads,4.4 million Unemployable Jeremy Kyle Nation Scroungers,900,000 Criminals in over 85 Prisons,Plus 650 Idiots in Parliament and the Whole of the European Commission.”They said this was not an acceptable answer! So, who the hell did I miss out?
An old man goes into a chemist to buy some viagra
“Can I have 6 tablets cut into quarters please”
“I can cut them up for you” said the chemist
“But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection”
“I am 96″ said the old man “I don’t want an erection”
“I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t piss on my slippers”
An elderly gentleman….
. . . had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
I hadn’t heard it before I heard that joke.
How’s it going my good friend?
I’m waiting on the result of a new job, I’ve passed the first stage, but there is a lot more to do, it’s a very long process, but it would be great if I got the job, it’s close by my house, good pay, and wouldn’t be boring, just got to keep my fingers crossed.
Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, “Man,
why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?”
Robert replied, “That’s because I make love to my wife every morning before work.” Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. “That’s easy,” Robert said. “I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this: Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue I love waking up and making love to you!”
Tyrone said, “Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental.” But he decided it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife.
The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!! Robert asked, “Man, what happened to you?!” Tyrone said, “I don’t know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem.” Well, what poem did you tell her? Tyrone said: “Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I’d hump you like a dog!”
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
‘Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?
‘Morris Fishbein,’ he replied.
‘Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?’
‘For about 60 years.’
‘60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?’
‘I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.’ I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.’
‘How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?’
‘Like I’m talking to a fuckin’ wall.
Thank you :)
Hope all is good with you.
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he
kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his
parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?’
All the men stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’
All the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn’t belong to them?’
Half the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted
Were you there on holiday?
what’s it like?
I’ve never been there.
It’s snowing right now here, so I could use fantasizing about somewhere warm!
We’re talking about going on holiday, don’t know if we will or not yet.
I hope you find the time to do everything on your list, and you have a great time doing it.
thank you so much, that’s a lovely thing to say xx
Hi very good.
Life is good, hope the same goes for you.
Peace like a river to you.
Hello, long time no see…..
I’m very well thank you.
How’s life treating you?
Don’t leave it so long next time!
I hope it’s something fun that has been keeping you so busy x
You need to get on here more often, i’ve been getting worried about you!!
I’ve missed you!
Merry christmas to you too, i hope you have a great one xx
I just got engaged, he asked me at the end of nov, it was really nice, we’re talking about getting married at the end of summer 2013 (if the world doesn’t end on the 21st dec)
A man takes his father to the doctor.
At the office, the doctor tells the old man, “I’m sorry, sir, but you have lung cancer. You’ll be dead in a year.”
On the way home, the old man turns to his grief-stricken son and says, “Quit all that cryin’! I’m not depressed. I’ve lived 75 great years. How ’bout you and me go to my favorite bar and have a couple beers with my friends?”
So while the guys are having their beers, the old man breaks the news to his friends. “Fellas,” he says, “I’ll be dead in a year ’cause I got AIDS.”
On the way home, his son asks, “Dad, why did you lie to your friends?”
His dad replies, “‘Cause when I die, I don’t want them trying to fuck your mother!”
How are you doing?
we haven’t had a chat for ages & i just got to wondering how my old friend kilroy was.
Hope alls good with you.
Stay in touch!!
Little Johnnie’s neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Johnnie,”coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses”.
seems that link doesn’t work, here’s the right one
Hey hey hey, you hyave to watch this, i never knew how to do this, but my life has changed for the better since i learned it, so i’m sharing it with a select few good friends that i feel deserve to know.
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit.”
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his five-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself, “Great, he’s five years old and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I’ll let him ask and then I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”
“Just one,” gasped the wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”
A young boy is sat on a bench in the park eating his eighth bar of chocolate. An old man sitting nearby turns and says, “Don’t you know they are all bad for you, make you fat, rot your teeth and give you acne?” The little boy replies, “My granddad was 107 when he died.” The old man asks, “Did he eat a lot of chocolate?” The young boy replies, “No, he minded his own fucking business!”
Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed. “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out. “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are screwing.” Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked. “Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too,” his son replied.
Two men are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one man hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.
Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, “I must go home. I’m already 2 hours late, and now I’ve thrown up all over myself. The ole’ lady will kill me.
The second man turns to the first and says, “No she won’t. Listen, you got ten quid?”
The first says, “Yeah, why?”
The second drunk says, “Take the ten and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you ten quid for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time.
The first man says, “Great idea! Let’s have another round”, and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.
Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first man’s wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, “Look at you! You’re pathetic!! You’re five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you’ve got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself?!?”
He says, “Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunk guy threw up on me and gave me ten quid to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket.”
She reaches in and pulls out two ten pound notes.
She says, “Wait there’s 20 quid in here!”
He says, “Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!”
I am well, thankyou.
Now that the weather has got to be more like summer, I spend most of my time outside.
If you have read my profile you will have noticed I spend most of it in the gardens. That means less time here at help com.
So if it takes me a day or more to answer you, don’t worry, I am not ignoring you.
I have added you to my friends list. Thanks for asking.
There are that many decent folk here that you can ask to be friends, just keep asking as many as you can.
The site and its members need to get to know and talk to each other more, it needs to be more like the family it used to be.
Hey, i’m grea thanks, how are you?
I’m 5 foot 10, so i guess i am that tall
im good thanks, just been pretty busy.
been hitting the gym in all my spare time.
just been away for a week. had a great time.
how are you?
Hi Kido how are you? I am just about to go off here but wanted to say hi!
All has been okay. :) Seems like we never did have a real Winter this year - now getting ready for Spring.
How is everything with you?
Hi Kilroy :D thank you for the kind words as always you are a gentleman and kind.
I had a fine enough day, I gave out those little old fashioned valentine cards that kids give in school to all my female friends..
It was not to bad, I have a valentine but he is unable to be here, he lives in Sweden. I have not seen him in close to a year.
Very tough, but I have been hopeful things will get better.
Hi :) You are really very kind to offer your help to me, I guess I am not used to that from people.
I am trying to better the situation, I am away some of the timer housesitting and watching my friends dog who is such a darling little dog. I take him everywhere, we meet lots of people up in Encinitas area doing our walks. I am will start looking for a new job soon, as the one I have with this child will end at the end of this semester. Her mommy is going have another baby and will stop needing my help. That will be good because I can find a full time job and hopefully be able to get my own apartment eventually, I have been having to stay on the couch at my moms tiny apartment which is fine for now but I hope I will be able to move on soon.
I might look at doing a live in job fro awhile to save some money. I saw one close to S.F. which was willing to pay over a thousand dollars a week as a live in Nanny for a 6 month old. I am sure that it was taken immediately with such a great pay and situation.
My friends husband has a cabin place he purchased in Alaska which was a bed and breakfast, he asked me if I would want to run it during the fishing season. It sounds interesting, I know how to cook and would only need to make the breakfasts. I have to think about it, he said he will set it up if I am really interested.
Anyways life is good .. just keep on trucking..
Hi sounds like fun, although I am really not a great sailor tend to loose my lunch.
I guess that I am okay, have had some rough times lately, but overall life is still good.
Well hello my friend, I am sorry that you have not been ‘up to coming on here’ I hope that your okay and know that you are supported here. What boat? You going somewhere?
Be in the SONshine and all will be fine
I was out in that rain earlier this evening when it was really coming down, I think my car is really clean now from it.
Except for the inside..
Well look what the rain blew in here lol:)how are you my friend?
I am sorry I have missed your shouts. Nice to hear from you.. I would love to walk your dog if we met sometime at the lake.
Anyways not much different today, I went and bought a cd to help me to sleep, I will see if it works. I have been really extra tired since I forced myself to sleep and lay there seemingly for hours unable to relax. Life will get better when I get back on tract, still not finished with the antibiotics, and have a wee bit of a difficulty with breathing.
Hope that you are well
Yes I we enjoy walking around the lake again when I get back to being 100 percent.
I wish I had a dog I could take around with me, my friend lets me take her dog but she lives all the way up in North County.
I think I have gotten way off track as well with my sleeping, I got sick at the beginning of last week, and slept all night and almost all that day, so I startrd going to bed later and later until one day it was nearly 6 am…sheeez. I got up intentionally today at 8 am and stay up only took a little nap. Now I am actually feeling like getting to bed early. I guess I fixed it.
Well I am gonna check out of here sorry to be so short.
Take care my dear
Hello dear how does it go with you this fins day? I went to the doctor and he gave me an antibiotic which I just took tonight.
Wow that is very long we need to have a party for you when it makes 5 years…
Thanks that is one of my photos from when I went to Sweden
Oh i am pretty crazy, but i still take pride on my appearance
Well I might if things do not clear up on their own, seems I have it only in my head and bot into the chest area.. which is a blessing.
I can not really afford the doctor right now.. so I will try on my own to overcome it.
Thanks , you are kind. :)
Yeah I tried to avoid it and managed to for three 3 weeks, my mom had it and it went into her lungs. Then she made me sick finally I was really upset, I have not been outside in days.. so I will take your word for it being a lovely day. Mom went to Lake Murray and tried to go in but it was so over crowded they locked up the gate!
Happy new year!!
Yes it is, i got fed up of people thinking i was a guy :)
Hi there ;) now I am smiling.. nice to hear from you. How was everything for you.. I am fighting a cold and trying to feel normal.