heretohelp's reply history at Help.com

why don’t you call him instead of texting? it can be so hard to have a real conversation thru just texts!
(i’m in a long distance relationship, too)

I’m not confrontational either, but you should never be afraid to upset him if you think it will eventually help him understand you more. I’m sure he really thinks he’s just looking out for you, but not talking about something is never the way to go. Even if you don’t end up doing the extra thing, you should definitely talk about it and make a rational decision together. Good luck!

That’s good advice, mickey! Another thing I used to do to make hard descisions was flip a coin. NOT to actually decide based on something that silly, but then if when it would land on one descision, I would often get really upset and realize that I really wanted the other choice! Or, I would be so happy that it landed the way it did I would know it was the right descision!

The stuff she gets mad at you about, is it a certain kind of thing? Like is it all about you not helping her enough, or not paying enough attention to her, or something? Maybe it’s a specific ‘pet peeve’ she has.
For instance, with my boyfriend, I’m pretty nice, but my one thing I’m obnoxious about is that I can be clingy. I get mad if he doesn’t call when he says he will, or doesn’t answer when I call him.
If you can figure out what she gets mad about particularly then I suggest you try to be really super good about it for a few weeks, and then say to her, ‘hey, I’ve been trying to really work hard to not piss you off about this, but I need you to meet me halfway and try to not overreact when you know I’m trying’. That way she HAS to acknowledge that you’ve been doing your part, and that she needs to do her part to see that her getting mad at you over little things is YOUR pet peeve.
I know you can work it out. If it gets too overwhelming, marriage counseling can be a really good solution to get you started making changes to help your marriage.

I’ve always found that when you like two people and can’t decide between them, the best idea is to choose neither. Be single for awhile, re-discover yourself, learn about what makes you happy all over again, even if it’s just for a short while. Eventually you will know who you can’t live without. Also, it’s better not to try to date both or string them along till you decide.
You will figure it out, don’t worry. Give it time.

how so?

This sounds so intense. Sometimes it’s impossible to see what’s best for a relationship when you’re in it. It’s like all the passion and anger and love crowds in so you can’t see the big picture. I would say it sounds like you need a break. And yes, that could lead to a break up, but it could also clear your head enough to decide what’s best for you in the long run. Since you said he’s tried to end it, too, maybe he will agree to take a break. Take a step back from the relationship. Obviously, you’ll miss him, and also you’ll be relieved to not have to deal with the bad stuff, but after awhile hopefully you’ll be able to see if the benefits are greater than the bad parts.
Even dating other people could be a way to find out what you value about the relationship. Of course it might be hard to go back if you’ve been with other people, but just finding out who you are as a single person can sometimes give you the insight you need to know what you bring to the relationship.
jeez, i sound like dr. phil. :)
good luck!

:)

Well, it’s true that the flu CAN last a week, so I wouldn’t jump to conclusions. But that being said, this is a really serious issue. The first step is to talk to her. Even if she is purging, it’s almost certain that she’ll deny it. But you’ll hopefully be able to gain some insight from talking to her. If you think she’s lying, or if you keep hearing her being sick after her “flu” should have passed, you need to tell someone right away.
If you know her family at all, you might want to go to them. Is this your roomate at college? If so, then you should talk to a college counselor or someone at your student health center, they are really well-equiped, and can tell you how to proceed without making it worse or freaking her out. The important thing is to react to the behavior by taking steps to help her out. You’re already being a great friend just by being concerned and asking for help!
g’luck

Well, if you can afford it, that’s super-sweet. It’s kind of an intense gift though… sometimes, as weird as this sounds, girls get scared off by guys being too nice, especially with gifts. I would say nothing too extravagent or expensive this soon, so maybe small diamonds or a piece of jewelry that’s really nice but doesn’t cost an arm and a leg. You might want to pair the store-bought gift with a really cute card or a silly present that reminds her of an inside joke you have, or a date you had… in the beginning year(s) or months of a relationship you want to show her not just that you appreciate her (expensive gift) but also that you know her and you pay attention to the things she likes (personalized gifts). I love to talk about how my bf got me diamond earrings (small, but sparkly!) for our 2nd xmas together, but truthfully my favorite stories are the ones about when he took me skating at rockafeller center, or bought me a weird swedish candy I talked about but couldn’t find in the U.S.
Good luck ‘n happy holiday!!!

Do his parents let you sleep over normally? I know this seems silly, but if you’re already spending lots of time over there, then maybe it’s feasible. Make sure you ask them in such a way that they know you will respect their descision. Sometimes just having the power to say no means that adults are more open-minded about saying yes.

I feel like you’re not going to sleep easy until you know. So, yeah, even though it will suck, no one can tell you but him. I would come out to him in the most casual way possible. Don’t ask him what his orientation is, in case he is not comfortable with it or homophobic, but slip your orientation into a conversation. Or better yet, mention how much you hate that your area is so homophobic. Say that it really bothers you. If he agrees, then maybe it’s time to come out to him. Of course if he responds with a homophobic response, then there’s your answer.
Yeah, it’s true that bringing anything up could hinder your friendship, but if you ever want the truth, or anything more with him, you’ve gotta just go for it. Good luck to you!

Maybe staying with a program (depending what your addiction issues were) that helps people stay clean/sober/whatever over the long term would help her trust you. I believe you when you say it’s a thing of the past, but maybe it would help her get over past hurt if she knew you were doing something like that just to show her how much you care about her and want to make it work.
and if communication is a problem, try to get out the important stuff the old fashioned way… write it down! sometimes it’s easier to write or email stuff that you can’t say in person. Tell her how you feel, show her you’re committed to change, give her TIME to come around, and then whatever happens respect her descisions, is probably the best way to go about it.
good luck!

First of all, you need to break up with your gf. If you’re seriously considering going out with someone else, then the relationship clearly isn’t going well anymore, or maybe wasn’t to begin with. The point in a relationship is that you don’t want to be with anyone BUT them, even a hypothetical person, let alone some specific other girl.
So, break up with your gf.
(Give it a day or two so as not to be a manwhore. sorry.)
then, afer at least a few days, find out if this other girl likes you. If she doesn’t, yeah, it’ll suck. But it’s the most honest thing to do, and it will make you the most happy in the end. You’ll either be with this girl you like, but at least you wont’ be in a false relationship.
Good luck!

Vouchers are fun gift ideas… for instance you make a really pretty looking card or paper that says, “This is redeemable for one fun-filled day of shopping and a movie!”
Or “This is redeemable for one picnic, when it’s warm, anytime you want!”
or something like that. That way you can put something kinda cheap on the card, like a lunch out, movie, or picnic, or day at the local pool, but the point is that it’s saying you’re going to make a whole day of it… spend some time together and do something fun.
If you think you’ll get a job sometime soon in the future, then this gives you a way to put off having to pay for awhile, too.
Books are also a great idea… find a used book store in your area, and ask the people to help you with what kids are reading… used books are just as good as new, and not nearly so expensive!
Hope this helps, and remember that just being together will make your holidays bright like no material gift can!