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• Edited…
  

  If you click on the “search inside” thing you can see some of the names of the chapters and stuff. Bibliotherapy is really helpful when you don’t feel like talking to someone or you don’t have the ability to (i.e. it’s 2am or something).
  - written 1 year, 10 months ago

• Edited…
  

  Hey I found it on amazon:
  
  http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Therapy-Revised-Updated/dp/0380810336/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1200080662&sr=8-1
  
  New for 7.99 and used from 3.47.
  :)
  - written 1 year, 10 months ago

• Edited…
  

  Hmm, well that’s good that you are not on them 24/7 then! Then don’t even worry about the drugs part, it seems like you are taking control of that situation quite well. I was thinking about E because I figured if you were addicted to one ampthetamine that weaning off and switching to another infrequent use of a different amphetamine would satisfy the dopamine feedback loop created by cocaine, but you are right — certainly not if you have had problems with E in the past, you are a much better judge of your own substance situation than me.
  
  Now about your hypersensitivity about getting more upset when reacting, that is certainly something that requires therapy and a registered therapist is equipped to deal with it far more than friends would be; they probably have no idea how to relate to you and have had little experience with anyone like you directly, whereas clearly a therapist would. I find that I get really upset when I talk to someone about what I am feeling sometimes, and only feel comfortable talking about it to someone who is not affected by it at all and who can be more objective. The worst is when my mom asks, because she is so worried and curious about it that it just makes it worse or verbalizing it can sometimes make it seem trivial or ridiculous, when it’s not.
  
  Another problem I had was finding a therapist I feel comfortable talking to, and they’ve definitely made me feel worse before. The best thing I found so far was a social worker / counsellor to talk to while looking for a psychiatrist that might help fill the same niche, because all they do is let you talk and help you verbalize things so that you can develop coping mechanisms.
  
  Something that helped me surprisingly was a book a doctor prescribed for me, a type of “bibliotherapy”. The name of the book is “Feeling Good” with the subtitle “the new mood therapy” by David D. Burns, M.D.. It seems like a weird thing to do I guess, but it is not really a self-help book that you read once and reflect on, it has really specific chapters that you turn to in specific situations, like “Do-Nothingism: How to Beat It”, or “Defeating Hopelessness and Suicide”… and stuff like that. I know it sounds kind of cheesy but if you set out to read it and be completely open to what it is offering, instead of being skeptical, it can really, really help you. It is only $8, and if you feel skeptical about it I would say buy it and then wait until you are ready to be open to it and then start your reading. I was in the most vulnerable state of my life when I was asked to try it, and at that point I was just open to anything at all, and was so depressed that being skeptical would just make me more depressed. I really do recommend it.
  
  Maybe I can find a link to it… I’ll look.
  - written 1 year, 10 months ago

• Edited…
  

  A few things –
  
  1. Don’t martyr yourself, to be able to grip reality you have to think realistically (which I realize is very, very hard when you’re depressed). I’m sure you had only the best intentions in your relationships, but being someone from such a complicated and stressful background, there is no way (from what you are saying) that you could have produced actions that consistently reflected the way you felt. No two people think alike, and sometimes “right” and “wrong” are ambivalent terms for opinions and beliefs. It is very important to be self-aware enough (not just introspective, but from the perspective of others) that you can consider how you might be affecting other people.
  
  2. Also, thinking about things in neutral terms can be a lifesaver (sometimes literally). “Right” and “wrong” are again, subjective and arbitrary, and are often counter-intuitive. So instead of thinking things like “I did everything right, it was perfect and was taken advantage of and attacked”, don’t slip into a defensive mode (THAT is the hugest obstacle), the same situation could be considered as “We had a conflict that ended negatively so I will test the waters differently next time”, or “I was vulnerable and started offering out rides and favours, and expected a relationship to form. I need to reach out to someone, but in a different way. I need to stand firm with what I would like to do and try to establish equal relationships.” You didn’t do something “right” or “wrong” — a situation or relationship either worked out because of mutual terms satisfied or a conflict of interest caused a negative rift.
  
  3. Establishing equal relationships is something that is so vital to coming out of depression. You obviously want to reach out to someone, have some people that will be there as a support network for you, and have someone that you can depend on to do you a favour once in a while. The other side of that is that it is important to feel like someone can depend on you, that you are able to help someone else, because even though you are vulnerable, you want to feel strong and want to have that sort of reciprocal, equal relationship with someone (even as a friend). It sounds like you are introverted, so you will probably be most comfortable in situations with 2 or 3 others instead of spreading yourself thin and trying to play the extravert in an attempt to widen the field of potential friends.
  
  4. No medication can truly help you if you are concurrently using cocaine and abusing alcohol, so you cannot depend on that if you continue to do so. My advice — maybe downgrade to marijuana, since it is a neuroprotectant (which is the reason they prescribe it to cancer patients and chronic pain patients). But with the caveat that smoking it non-stop will do bad things to your hippocampus and memory centres. In moderation it might be a good outlet downgrade, so to speak… I guess it seems weird to recommend that, but it seems like you are so far gone from people and your substance abuse makes establishing healthy relationships nearly impossible, so that is what you need to get in check first.
  
  Cocaine ESPECIALLY creates a feedback loop in the brain which strengthens addiction centres and causes such drastic changes in some dopamine channels that any drug with neurotransmitters using those same systems will not be able to help you in the way it is designed. Also maybe try rolling E twice a year (not much more than that), it has no addictive or harmful properties and literally unleashes social and empathy centres in your brain. The caveat with E would be not to combine it with other substances (i.e. alcohol, other drugs), don’t take a high dose (trust me, you won’t need it), and research pills sold in your area to make sure they are safe (i.e. not cut with a bunch of crap that can kill you… the stories you hear of people dying while on E are from what the drug was cut with, not the MDMA — I haven’t read a single academic journal article yet with results indicating harmful properties of moderate MDMA use. Since your body is used to an amphetamine (cocaine), you will probably be receptive to it. A good place to research the safety of drugs is online at the Vaults of Erowid, and on Safe Dance websites for ravers which give the same sort of information. They can be googled.
  
  So I usually would never ever recommend that but you are so far extreme that I don’t think a “cold turkey” approach from all sides will help you in any way at this point. It has to be a gradual thing and one that starts to reinforce healthy habits.
  
  Trying to put my years toiling with Neuroscience exams and a lifetime of dealing with bipolar II disorder to a practical use here. Hope I can help you in some way. You’re in my thoughts (for real!).
  
  :)
  - written 1 year, 10 months ago

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  - written 1 year, 11 months ago

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