WillaTree's shoutbox - Help.com

thanx for letting me read that post. sounds really similar but a bit different than mine. the biggest thing in common was all the mixed signals she was giving him. sounded like she was seeing her ex for a while under his nose and really leading a double life.
at least with my guy he had just met Lady B (not that it doesn’t hurt wither way)He was upfront with me in a way. i don’t think he would truly be comfortable trying to date 2 people (he can’t even do one well). i’ll keep reading that post.

sorry,but i don’t understand how to email you directly. (i didn’t have that class in my Master’s program yet. hahah!:) i may try something that i think it is but will only send a test email.
my friend is ok. she was more shocked than overly upset. yes, she’s young. who really stays at one job these days. she was there for about 6 years. she’ll get out of real estate bc the market is so bad. that’s part of why i got out 3 yrs ago.
50Man is paying for lunch. i just don’t want to push him around too much with ultimatums (unless this is gonna go on for months like this). he seems like he really wants to get back and needs to feel comfortable not pushed. i kind of feel bad for him. Ur right that things weren’t so bad. it was more about chronic bickering bc of egos and stuff like that and the appreciation thing which would resolve itself bc things would b different this time.
he was married b4 andhas a 17yo daughter(i don’t see her)and 13yo son (who likes me alot).
i don’t know what’s holding him back either. i would love nothing more than to be part of his NYE plans.
i have to say that i would be willing to try again with eyes wide open saying that if it didn’t work we tried. i wouldn’t be nearly as hurt as i was a few weeks ago bc you kind of know what the end result will be if it doesn’t work this time.
it is just killing me to feel in limbo.i could cry. he called on his way home from work last night to say he had a good time with me and that he loves me alot and that he will always worry about me. ok, what does that me. he will always worry bc he’s not going to b with me or what?
i don’t know what to do. i can’t ignore him but i want to know where i stand without coming right out and asking and possible ruining the progress i’ve made with him.
i feel so frustrated about it. i just want to get right back in it with him.

Anger Boy- it is noce to know someone lives you but if you know they are wrong but just like the comfort of it but have no future, you could be using your time to find someone better. sounds like he likes to get his way - the childhood gift thing. i hate kids like that.
No pets.
Didn’t stay at Phantom Ranch, camped in a tent the first time and a camping/raft trip the second.did you go there?

let me know ur thoughts on 50Man and Lady B.

hey- i can’t really stay on long. this site was messed up for a while today and i couldn’t get on. also, a girl who i trained at my old real estate job was layed off today. (what someone other than me has a PROBLEM!!! no way.)i told her i would meet up with her tonight. they did her a favor considering the way we used to get worked but she’s young and it was her first job. i have to talk with her. maybe she can enroll in help.com:) ha ha. she’ll have just as much time as us now!!!!
yes. did have lunch. i know this sounds wishy washy but i think he may be leaning towards another chance. of course he didn’t come right out and spill it. i didn’t really feel like he was PLAYING me but what does he need to figure out infront of me that he can’t figure out without me? (i was sure to clean up real good. i think i looked pretty enough).
NYE: i didn’t ask but he said that he didn’t know what he was doing over the next few days. his brothers are in town and they may get together one night, maybe NYE i don’t know. it truly didn’t sound like Lady B was a in the plans. he didn’t mention a thing about her. why would he in a way. but he did in past conversations. whatever.
it was nice to see him. you know the feeling. he called me jsut before on his way home form work- nice seeing you and having lunch with you, i love you sort of thing. i think he is scared. he may want to go back to me but is afraid it may not be different but he loves me at the same time.
So Anger Boy called. wish he could have sounded a bit more remorseful for you but maybe that was his best attempt. funny,how HE was mad and HE was hurt that you were breaking it off. can HE blame you? it sounded like it was all about HIM and how HE feels not the fact that he went totally apes**t on you and how YOU felt.
i can’t help but think that if you really know that he is not marriage material that you should not spend your time with him but rather spend it in more productive ways looking for a better suitor.
how do you feel it helps you knowing that he misses and loves you? it can be words until the next thing that caauses him to loose it again. i’d hate to see you really get hurt by him. (not that i don’t want to get back with my ex- look who’s talkin’ right?)
Noooooo my name begins with a J. what would C or M be?
what i like to do: read (crime/myster books & some self helps), cooking, organizing anything (i’m a neat freak), hiking, going to college basketball games, painting, art, hiking (i’ve hiked the Grand Canyon twice, the Sumarian Gorge in Crete and some other smaller sites), vacationing anywhere but mostly out of the country, watching movies, staying up late.
i have to go meet my friend but i may try to get on when i come home depending on the time. sorry for the delay.

gosh. sorry for all of the typos inthe last shout. i mustn’t have been fully awake…
i was reading in your previous shout that you thought it would be telling if he DOESN’T spend time with me on NYE.
how do you mean? i would think that he would choose to be with her since she doesn’t know about me and it would seem strange to her why he wouldn’t want to be with her maybe. i already know what’s going on. the other thing is that he may very well have no plans and just not be with wither of us. almost like a punishment for his stupidness.
afterall, he spent all weekend by himself this week and probably had no fun bc he wasn’t with anyone.

hoe you are sleeping well. i’m up early and my mind is running already. but i feel ok.
got a lunch invite but haven’t responded yet. told ya.
if i acceept i will just keep it low keep and say nothing about US. see where he goes for a change.
i can’t thank you enough for all your support. i feel like i have know you for a long time. it’s nice to know that i’m not all alone like i thought.

hey, if he invites me to luch should i go and not mention anything about US? just keep it all upbeat and look real nice as if “i’m done talkin’ about it”? just be like a “friend and se how he reacts or what he offers up?

yes, your point about if someone were important enough to you and you really thought you had a future with them you wouldn’t care if you had to break it off with Lady B. however you needed to go about it. tell her the truth or that you aren’t into her, whatever. but he’s not doing that. hmmmmmm.

cself help books feel better tolerated by woman bc we search actively for answers to things. i think 50Man sees that if it doesn’t work it’s time to run without trying bc that is easier than trying. i called him out on that at lunch. somewhat rhetorically though to cause him to think about why woudl he say he loved me but be so quick to throw it aside? is he to afraid to break off the new thing and throw away what he says he is looking for? is is safe for him to try a new thing expecting better results?
this thing is driving me nuts. can he change his mind in 2-3 weeks or does he need to find out that Lady B is not working?

yes, i’m believe she exists. really. if she didn’t he most certainly would have come to my hose like he said he has thought about dong the past few days. he really isn’t a player and i think does feel like there is some dilemma. although he keeps saying he likes her and doesn’t want to go back to the way things WERE. i said why would you go back to the way things WERE. i don’t want that either. i am talking about it being different. don’t need to bother with it all if it’s gonna be the same.
he doesn’t really owe me an account of what they are doing but he for some reason wasn’t with her this weekend. he has his son next weekend so he won’t see her then either or any other weekend that he has his son. i don’t know her age or if she were married and has her own kids. i do know that if she is younger than me and wants kids i don’t think he will go for that. if she already has kids it will drive him nuts not to feel important enough.
i thought about NYE too. he is off on NYE and wanted to take of on Tuesday he said. i didn’t ask his plans. maybe she had plans already that can’t include him but i can’t imagine that he wouldn’t be with her.

my new job (which 50Man helped me get the other week) is a phone based customer service job. not the greatest but helps me offset my expenses and covers health insurance while i’m in grad school for Information Technology.
i have been to hershey a few times and it does smell gooood. i’m about 1/2 hour outside of Philadelphia.
i know that if i get another chance he won’t go for any counceling, or self-help books as a formal sit-down exercise. i would have to educate myself and implement it much like you hid vegetables in a childs’ meal to get them to eat them.
when we were talking he said that it shouldn’t seem like work- well it is work to get things on track. i think he thinks there would be like an agenda that would take alot of time to constatnly talk about. i told him NO that wouldn’t be what i would wnat. we would have done out talking and then start living it. it would have to be transparent.

we did haave our “heart to heart”. part on the phone the friday after we broke up, then i expanded my thought more specifically in an email and finally we talked for over 2 hours at lunch. he clearly knows where i stand and that both of us are at fault thru our actions and in-actions. he knows i still love him and want another go. i can’t keep telling him that though. he needs to s**t or get off the pot.

why do you think he didn’t spend the weekend with Lady B?

well the fact that you demonstrated decency, generosity, caring and love to him while he was in the hospital and his family didn’t care should speak volumesfor you in his mind. it apparently did not. he would have been more grateful. instead, he “took” from you and then crapped on you bc he is mean, selfish, cocky and feels entitled. he will likely always do that bc he lacks realization beyond himself.
yes, i’m sane too (i think)but i too am obsessed with 50Man. at times i feel i can let him go but i then shift back to the “what ifs” of the whole things. like there is a stone unturned and he says he still has feelings. i don’t know what my chances are or what i would do if given another chance. i feel confused. i feel so tired from it that it’s hard to care about it in a way. like what ever happens happens.
i’ll be up for a little while longer. i don’t start my new job until 1/12 and school starts on 1/21. so i get to be a lounge lizard if i want. it’s fun.

you have distinct advantages over me knowing that you will meet somone else. you get out and are social. i am more of a quiet,introverted sort. i do’t put myself out there too much. i wouldn’t say i “lost” my friends but when you are one of the only ones that isn’t marriend and has kids you have almost nothing in common anymore with the people who you used ot do things with.
i am not “stuck” in 50Man because i do’t think there is someone out there for me. i truly am heartsick over not feeling like we tried. he said tonight that our relationship failed. i told him i didn’t see it that was bc to define it as failing would have meant we worked to make the things that were difficult better. we didn’t really.
what do you think his intentions may be? i believe that he will call again and even ask me to lunch again.

crap- i just sent this to myself by mistake. . .
ok. here are a couple of thoughts:
1.your #1-4 assessment is probably accurate bc you can so clearly articulate it.
2. you know he is not The Man of Your Life, unless you yearn for a life of misery.
3.i’m not sure why you want him in your life. is there something about the drama that attracts you?
5.you say he “represents” complete Man whose characteristics are all very opposite the ones you mention about your ex-husband. is that the attraction? that he “represent” the opposite? i can see why you may see it that way- your “ideal”. All of those “complete Man” characteristics are physical attributes. they don’t address the inner part of the “ideal” you are searching for and deserve. you can find those physical things and more in other people,i’m sure.
5. i give you lots of credit for getting out there again and playing the odds with dating over the past 2 years. but just like there was something about any of those other guys that caused you to not be interested, they were probably things that werew far, far less damaging that what you are now tangled in.
6. i can empathizewith your striggle bc i am having my own. however, on a much higher adn damaging level this guy in not good for you or really any other person at least in his current untreated state. seems hard to think that he can be “cured” of this easily.
how old is he??

i agree that love needs to have roots in a strong friendship. it’s that friendship that i think helps you remain objective and less emotional at times. it is the foundation of respect. yes, to some degree 50 Man and i were best friends. we know that we can count on each other when the chips are down. we were adn kind of still are there to talk to each other no matter what time of day. i think i really love that about him.

he seems a bit passive/ aggressive too. saying he’s cold and all and the having him tell you that maybe you’re the one with the problem.
i think you did the right things by shutting him out. maybe you didn’t have to break the prized “snoopy” but i can’t blame you for getting your ire up given all that was happening.
how did you meet him?

he seems a bit passive/ aggressive too. saying he’s cold and all and the having him tell you that maybe you’re the one with the problem.
i think you did the right things by shutting him out. maybe you didn’t have to break the prized “snoopy” but i can’t blame you for getting your ire up given all that was happening.
how did you meet him?

okaaaaaaaaaay! yikes!you now that this is neither healthy nor safe for you. prolonged exposure to him will definitely effect your wellbeing. interestingly, i was a pharmacuetical rep and sold antidepressants. i understand different psychiatric disease states. (but can’t see them with my own two eyes!:)
i wondered if he was the kind who “twisted” things around, making things seem like your fault/problem. it sounds like he did. that is a sign of what is called “projection” which is a defense mechanism.(look it up on wikipedia.org. it has a small definition). He sounds like he knows that getting some help would be good for him but may not want to face it. (sounds like he needs a mood stabilizer…)He may behave the way he does to “justify” some feelings that he has about things unrealted to you. but you or anyone in your place bears the brunt of things.
i didn’t fully recognize the extent of his terrorizing you. he does have issues and it may not be your cross to bear to totally help him if that is what you feel inclined to do. you certainly don’t wnat to “enable” his behavior especially if he doesn’t want to seek help. Help beyong antidepressants- like needing talk therapy.
are you considering having him back? do any of my ideas relate to what you feel and have experienced?

by the way, it’s not “lame” to want the pillowcase. it’s not really what you were after. it was just a means to dialog again. i get it.
i do lame stuff too. don’t be too hard on yourself but don’t give him too much credit either. he has hurt you and scared you.
you know, if an outburst like he had was a one time thing for him he may have readily apologized. afterall, it would have been soooo unlike him. these outburst can be a way of life for him. maybe the fact that you threatened to call the police has him too scared to contact you for fear that any additional interaction would reeeealllly cause him problems??

shame on you for driving by:) i undeerstand it though- i answered the phone, didn’t i?? haha-that’s what love will do to us!

i don’t know exactly why he won’t apologize. but i really do believe that people who express themselves thru rage/anger are really showing their insecurities. know that while it is directed at you, it isn’t you that is causing his rage. he apparently has poor behavioral control. even if there was something to be “angry” about, most people could talk about it without too much drama.

i have visited www.abuse101.com recently and found it to be helpful in understanding my ex’s tendencies and why they are there. i found this little bit on anger but there is much more on the site you may want to see. it asks questions that you can evaluate against your man. it helped me feel like i wasn’t crazy. . .
“Anger is just masked fear. Anger is just frustration at not being able to control a certain outcome - anger is, in itself, the fear of being out of control.”
what is it that caused his rage like that?

it is strange that for a person with rage issues, he wouldn’t have called or return your emails. you’d almost think that he would go thru waves of rage and remorse, where he would come back and want to be with you. it seems like a cycle that would somehow suit him in a way. you would think that if he saw you wanted your “pillowcase” back that it was a way to come back to you all apologetic and all.
let me think some more about it.

i was just in the website you sent me. i like it. i have been reading some of the things in the advice section. i can see how you got consumed:)

ps- they didn’t meet at work. he said she worked in her state but didn’t say how they met. (i’m glad she lives a ways away.)

tokens- like gifts??
yes, she lives one state down about 1hr 15 min from his job or about the same distance from his house, if not a bit more. the one time i saw he we talked about bumping into each other socially. he said that she lived out of state and he would be spending 90% of his time there. i can’t imagine that she would want that instantly in a way. but he said it. whether they talked about it or not, i don’t know. that commute in the morning would kill him but may not be enough to split them up. you said he was calling me bc she is out of state. . . why wasn’t he there all weekend then?
good to know you are not in your car:)

yes, the drive by is always something that sounds sooooo rational. you were just on your way to the store or the gas station etc or just wanted to drive by. i have done it before and i find that it causes me heartache i don’t need. i begin to remember going up to the door and being inside… all the things that you need to break yourself from. I’m not being bossy:) but so what if he’s home, so what if he’s not. HE HURT YOU and SCARED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just stay in and remember a few days ago and how he made you feel. don’t ruin your night (it’s 7pm here)!:)
why do you think my ex is calling me?

well, Willa, he called again about an hour after the first call. i answered that time. (i couldn’t help it:( ) we just talked about stuff. some general things and some specific to the two of us.
it is crazy because he said things like “do you know how many times i wanted to just call you or stop by your house but didn’t over these past two weeks?” “i think about you alot.” he did say that the other lady was nice and in a way i’m sure that she is. he sounded somewhat regretful but also would say things like we gave it a chance.
we talked about his having worked on friday for a little.he asked what i did yesterday (no i didn’t say i was online all day talking to you) and i said i went to the gym but nothing much.(sounded like he wished he stopped by) i don’t know if he really has seen that other lady recently (she lives out of state)/(unless she had plans for the holidays and couldn’t see him) because he said that he wnet and got new tires and his car serviced yesterday and today he hadn’t gotten to take a shower yet. so it seems like he hasn’t seen her since maybe early last week. He also admitted to thinking about things alot. i didn’t really press him for any answers. why would he make that statement if he thought about things and still didn’t like me? he said that he loves me very much and had envisioned us being together. my head is so confused. i didn’t go one way or the other really. i don’t really know what he is trying to tell me with the things that he had said.
yeah, withdrawls alright! i read thru your shout about love. there are some good lined in there. the ones i like most is:
1.When you ‘chose’ to be with him/ her inspite of other options - not bec there are no options !
2.When you give each other space and respect individuality.
3.When you enjoy togetherness - talking or even silence - and tender touching.
4.When you cant even think of hurting or insult the partners feeling.

Hi Indigo, I think he’s just checking in to see if you’re around (as in still pining for him). We have absolutely no idea how it’s going with Lady B. She could totally be out of the picture or still be in the picture. He is keeping his large 50 year old talons in you-just in case things don’t work out as planned. I tell you-RESIST the temptation to call back. Did you?

willa-
guess what? my ex called around 1:30 today. i didn’t answer nor have i called him back. he left a message saying he was calling to say “hi” and wasn’t sure if i was back at my house or still at my parent’s from Xmas. he said when i have a chance to give him a call. hmmmmm. . . what could he want on a sunday afternoon with a new lady in the picture. that and everything we talked about is why i didn’t pick up.
any thoughts?:)
hope you are well.

haha.. kool kool

It’s sad though. Sad that we can’t decipher between people who genuinely need help and those who are just trying to scam.

It might also be because you didn’t say a specific location. I think you have to put in an actual place for it to show up so like yours says Central Cali I think, you might have to put the actual city/town.

Yes, and I’ve been on for almost a year!

Hi :) As I recall mine didn’t appear right away either. Did you fill it out on your profile page? If so it should show up within like 24 hours.

o! lol ur welcome!…

Did you read the reply why I asked the poster’s age?

Not at all!! Thank you!!!
=)
I’ve been on help.com for about 3 days now, and I’m lovin’ it!! =)
Haven’t posted anything myself yet…but soon enough I just might! He he!!
Thanks for the warm welcome & adding me as a friend Willa~ =)
xoxo!!

I hope so. Thanks for your input. We can but try.