theresape's profile at Help.com

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Last 7 Posts Authored

• Here’s the CERN story. posted (1 month) ago
  Read it and make your own prediction. http://www.mynews.in/fullstory.aspx?storyid=9858 The “…

• The Fifth Beatitude posted (3 months, 3 weeks) ago
  I am seldom at a loss for things to say, but I am having difficulty putting together the words to wr…

• I just posted a question, and it shows up under “my posts,” but not on the main page. posted (4 months) ago
  What happened?…

• How do you help someone who seems beyond help? posted (4 months) ago
  I am a woman in my 60s who has a suicidal 50-year-old nephew. I took care of “Mark” whe…

• Is it OK to hit a man if he angers you? posted (4 months, 3 weeks) ago
  There’s an interesting post bumping about here somewhere by a woman who thinks she was justi…

• Does anyone know how Brokenwings made out Tuesday? posted (4 months, 3 weeks) ago
  I don’t know her, but after seeing Kim’s post, I read all of her past messages, and I …

• C-Section Regrets? posted (6 months) ago
  I am writing an article on the increasing frequency of caesarian sections, even in cases where the…

• All Claimed Posts »

theresape's Top (5) Replies by other users' votes

• (2 votes) I had a great job for 7 years then 9/11 came.
  

  First, 9/11 has nothing to do with anything. That was just a play for sympathy. You got laid off. It happens.
  
  Second, you do not owe your daughter a college education. She is 25 now, old enough to make this happen on her own if she wants it.
  
  If your daughter wants an education, she should apply to colleges. If she is admitted to a good school, they will meet her financial needs. Some of the financial aid will probably come in the form of grants, some will come as loans, and some may come as work-duty.
  
  If she doesn’t get financial aid, she can work full-time during the day and go to a community college at night.
  
  Why do you assume that she can’s and shouldn’t work? We value most the things that we work hardest for. She is way too old to have an education handed to her off the sweat of your back.
  
  Also, why are all these other people freeloading off you?
  
  I am not at all surprised that you are stressed, but I don’t understand why you have accepted responsibility for supporting all these people, and I certainly don’t understand why you would expect a stranger to help you.
  
  You need to learn to say “no.” $370 a week takehome pay is barely enough to support one person, let alone six. Tell the other five they need to start taking care of themselves.
  
  Good luck.
  
  - written 1 month, 3 weeks ago – voted for by hey...iknowyou, Nyx

• (2 votes) My fiance just broke my heart,
  

  Let him go. You can’t put yourself in the position of begging someone to want you. Even if he is confused about what he wants because of his mental illness, you can’t MAKE him be in love with you. Even if you do manage to drag him down the aisle kicking and screaming in protest, that’s no way to start a life together. If he broke your heart once, he will do it again.
  
  When you find a person who is compatible with you, it will be easy and natural. Choose someone who makes you happy, not someone who breaks your heart. You are very young—gain some more experience dealing with people, start your nursing career, and the right sort of love will come your way.
  
  Good luck, my dear.
  
  - written 2 months ago – voted for by OliveOil, Ell♥

• (2 votes) Is this a bad idea?
  

  It’s NOT a bad idea to try living on your own and seeing how you like it.
  
  It IS a bad idea to use this typical teenage parent-trashing stuff as an excuse to move in with your boyfriend.
  
  You are too young and too unshaped at this point to rush into such a relationship.
  
  Get your education first, establish your career, see what life offers you, and look forward to playing house with some horny guy LATER, when you are further along in your development.
  
  Frankly, your parents’ expectations sound very reasonable to me. They provide you room, board, love, and a support network, and in exchange they expect you to be reasonably thoughtful (e.g., not keeping the whole household up all night long) and to perform reasonable household duties (e.g., keeping an eye on your brother and sister in the morning).
  
  But If you really need to leave your parents’ home, try going it alone–or with a woman friend who won’t have all sorts of OTHER pressures to add to your life.
  
  Honestly, you’ve got PLENTY of time to be a grownup—and not nearly enough time to live as a young girl in a family with two loving parents who are going to be dead before you know it. Why not relax and enjoy these luxuries while you have them?
  
  - written 3 months ago – voted for by sans-sans, Fizz

• (2 votes) What do you do when people hate you for who you are ?
  

  Think about that: Is it really about who you are, or is it about what you do?
  
  You can’t change who you are. You can change what you do.
  
  In other words, if people hate you because you are prettier than them, or smarter, or less conservative, or more optimistic, or more playful, there’s probably not a darn thing you can do about that. So ignore the s.o.b.s and find other people to care about.
  
  On the other hand, if people hate you because you’re always dropping snide one-liners on them, or putting them down, or acting like god’s gift to the trailer park, THAT you can change, and might want to consider changing.
  
  One is who you are; the other is what you do. Capiche?
  
  - written 4 months ago – voted for by cattail, Shie

• (2 votes) Okay, so there is this girl in my class and nobody likes her.
  

  Ok, so you’re the only ones in the school who are nice to her and you think you can (in the words of an above responder) “just gradually dump her without hurting her feelings”?
  
  Let me clue you in: You can’t. I can guarantee that when the only people in the school who are nice to her “gradually dump” her, her feelings WILL be hurt.
  
  Why don’t you try REALLY being nice to her–that is, letting her hang out with you a little bit and then NOT talking about her behind her back? If there is something overtly wrong with something she is doing, then gently take her aside and tell her, one-on-one. Give her some friendly advice, but don’t throw her to the wolves.
  
  What does it cost you, anyway, to be nice to someone who’s slightly different? Can’t you put yourself in her shoes and think about what it must feel like to be the designated reject of the school?
  
  You know what it sounds like to me? It sounds like all your friends are kind enough to WANT to be nice to her, but too insecure about it NOT to make fun of her when she turns her back. No one has the guts to just be nice and mean it.
  
  I think YOU should step forward and be the brave one. The next time they start ragging on her, say something like, “Oh, give her a break. She’s a little awkward, but she’s not evil. Let’s be nice to her.” Demonstrate some CHARACTER, girl.
  
  Have some charity, for heaven’s sake. Be kind to other people who are not as fortunate as you are. You don’t have to choose her as you maid of honor or hitch-hike across Europe with her after graduation. Just give her some people to talk to and someone to eat lunch with. Maybe when people stop treating her like an outcast she’ll get relaxed enough to be LESS awkward and strange.
  
  - written 5 months ago – voted for by Queen of Lost Vampyr, Florie

Last 5 Replies – All 2,288 replies »

• latey ive been not myself ..my boy friend is to much into him self..never tells me he loves me or even say im pretty..
  

  You don’t say how old you are, but my guess is that you had a baby much too young—before either you or your boyfriend was ready to be a parent—and also for the wrong reasons. It’s not surprising that you have so much stress your chest hurts.
  
  On top of that, as H mentions above, the hormonal changes after childbirth can really wreak havoc with your emotions.
  
  Do you realize that you expressed no emotion whatsoever about your baby, and did not even tell us whether your child is a boy or a girl?
  
  If I had talked to you earlier, I would have advised you not to conceive a child until you and your boyfriend were mature, committed, and ready and able to form your own family and support your child independently. The fact that you are still children yourselves, living in dependency on his parents, changes the whole emotional dynamic for you AND them. Your boyfriend’s mother may not think she OWNS your baby, as you put it, but because you have saddled her with the burden (or privilege) for PROVIDING for your baby in her home, she may feel responsible for the child’s well-being in a very proprietary way. From her viewpoint, you have not brought her a grandchild, you have brought her another child—another mouth to feed—another human being whose needs she must accommodate. That can’t be easy for her, particularly in view of your obvious resentment.
  
  When I talk about having a baby for “wrong reasons,” I say that because your complaint that your boyfriend doesn’t tell you that he loves you enough, or doesn’t tell you that you’re pretty, hints to me that you had this baby because you thought it would guarantee his love for and attraction to you. THOSE things should have been nailed down BEFORE you brought a child into the world. I am not saying that he does not love you or cannot learn to love you, only that he is probably too distracted now by all the new demands that being a father places in his life to pay you the attention YOU need. At your age, you probably still DO NEED a lot of attention. It is natural for a young girl to be the center of her own universe, and having to make way for the needs of a baby is quite difficult to adjust to. Developmentally speaking, you still want to be the princess, but you’ve already turned over the crown to the next generation.
  
  THAT is why most of us do these things in sequence as we mature: meet, get to know each other, become friends, fall in love, iron out all the uncertainties, get married, establish a home, learn to live as a couple accommodating each other’s needs, and have a baby. It sounds to me like you have started at the wrong end of that sequence.
  
  Of course, that’s water under the bridge. I think that the best you can do now—in ADDITION to seeking evaluation and possible treatment for postpartum depression—is to literally go back and start at the other end of that chain.
  
  So your first agenda item should be to get to know your man better and become friends with him. Grow up together. Fall in love and grow secure in that love. If you make it that far, then consider forming a family unit of your OWN (not in your boyfriend’s parents home) where you can raise your child in love and commitment.
  
  Meanwhile, do your best to cut your mother-in-law (for lack of a better word) a break. She didn’t ASK you to have sex with her son and bring her another generation to raise. This is probably at LEAST as stressful for her as it is for you. She is making a HUGE sacrifice. My guess is that she is doing her best and that, EVEN IF SHE MAKES MISTAKES, you should be grateful to her for her generosity and willingness to open her home to you. Stop showing her the sour puss, and start showing her gratitude and love. Ask her advice about parenting. Make sure you do your fair share of the housework, laundry, shopping, and cooking. Tell her how much it means to you that she stepped in to help out when your needs were great. Tell her you know it can’t be easy to suddenly be sharing her home with another generation. MEAN it. Remember that you are not the only one who has had her life disrupted.
  
  To review: seek evaluation and treatment for post-partum blues; take into consideration not just your own needs, but the needs of everyone in your household, including your boyfriend’s mother and your baby; work on your relationship with your partner; and WITH him, work to earn a good living so that you can establish your own home and raise your child together in love and commitment.
  
  It won’t be easy to make this transition, but it can be done. I really wish you the best of luck.
  - written 2 days, 8 hours ago

• I just graduated from college and after searching for a very long time, was able to find a job at a big name company.
  

  With all due respect, Gimli, teaching kindergarten, opening a bakery, and coordinating senior citizen services are NOT hobbies. You absolutely CAN follow your passion, live out your values, and still earn a living.
  
  Anthropologist Joseph Campbell counseled, “Follow your bliss.” And today the conventional wisdom in the career services marketplace is “Do what you love, and the money will follow.”
  
  The most successful people I know (successful in every sense of the word) are those who lead an integrated life, with their career paths stemming from their passions and values.
  
  Spending 40 hours a week in a career that does not fit is like walking 40 miles in a pair of shoes that do not fit.
  
  I do not know the poster, of course, but when I read about someone struggling in misery while also being told that her performance is sub-par, my suspicion is that the career choices she has made do not suit her.
  
  I realize there are other viewpoints on this, but when I see someone unhappy at work … well, I think it’s unfortunate and correctable, if you just listen to your heart.
  
  Good luck to all ….
  - written 3 days, 11 hours ago

• i was married for twelve years and unfortunatly because
  

  I know it’s hard to back off, but you HAVE TO—for her sake, for your own sake, and for your child’s sake. Pressuring her can only lead to DISASTER.
  
  As for meeting someone new, I would not be in such a hurry if I were you. You are not ready for another relationship yet, I think—you are still healing from this one. Give yourself some time to regain your equilibrium and learn how to enjoy your own company and lead a responsible, independent life. Put your career back in order. Pursue some personal interests and pastimes. Get some counseling if you can—not because there is anything “wrong” with you, but because we all need help at times to work through difficult emotional situations.
  
  Meanwhile, try your best to be a good father and to respect the boundaries that your ex-wife has rightfully insisted upon.
  
  Once you are past all this and become whole again, you will be ready to form another relationship. But take your time, and please—take good care of yourself.
  
  Good luck!
  - written 3 days, 11 hours ago

• My ex keeps coming to my apartment to hang out with one of my roomates.
  

  [quote Anonymous]First of all, it would never be my “style” to DEMAND something like that…all I did was explain to both of them that it made me uncomfortable and hurt even more when he was around.
  I looked at this situation as being disrespected by 2 people who I thought cared about my feelings to some extent, and I’m hurt that they can’t just respect me and arrange to not hang out in my apartment. My ex hurt me in more ways than one, and my roomate knows this…so i can’t help but feel very disappointed that he doesnt take this into consideration. If the tables were turned and I was friends with my roomates ex, I would never invite her over to the apartment. I wouldn’t want to put any one in that situation…it’s easy enough to meet her somewhere or hang out with her somewhere else aside from the tiny apartment.
  It’s hard for me to sympathize that they “need” to hang out around me, when they know how it makes me feel. I would never do that to anyone, and I don’t think it really is so much to ask[/quote]
  
  What you need to figure out is that the world does not revolve around you.
  
  Maybe it was that way when you were home with mommy and daddy. But in the grown-up world, other people have lives, and they do not structure them around YOUR particular preferences—nor do they plan their daily schedules particularly to hurt you. You are not the focus.
  
  This may sound harsh, but it’s a reality you need to make peace with.
  
  Welcome to adulthood.
  - written 3 days, 11 hours ago

• My ex keeps coming to my apartment to hang out with one of my roomates.
  

  How would you feel if the tables were turned? Suppose you ex roomed with a female who was one of your best friends? Would you feel it was reasonable for him to demand that you NOT visit with your friend?
  
  I’m with dragon’s number one reaction on this—if YOU have the problem, you should excuse yourself when your ex comes over. Your roommate has a right to entertain his friends—UNLESS, of course, you and your roommate have an agreement that NO ONE can invite someone over without the other roommate’s approval, in which case he gets the reciprocal right to censor YOUR guest list, too. Maybe there are people YOU entertain whose presence annoys him, too.
  
  Bottom line: Unless you can negotiate a mutual-approval requirement for apartment guests, I think you’re out of line telling your roomie whom he can and cannot entertain.
  
  You can always move, you know.
  - written 4 days, 5 hours ago

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