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• My life is falling apart because of substance abuse,
  

  We’ve been together just over a year. I’m early 40s, as is he.
  Was feeling pretty good but definitely struggling a bit more as the day marches on with no contact.
  
  I am just assuming it is over and that this is best, and that feels like a weird play I just walked in to.
  - written 1 year, 11 months ago

• I need some encouragement…I’ve been posting
  

  Yeah, it needs to change and it will because you have the motivation. And yes, it makes sense that you needed more reassurance as he pulled away more. It is just unfortunate that the two of you had conflicting desires/needs in that area. And honestly, he sounds like he was someone who does not want to do or is unable to do the hard work necessary to get what he needed without hurting you. Just not capable. Not that this means he was a bad guy, but that he hit a wall and didn’t have the strength or ability to get past it.
  
  I really think you should look at this sentence: “I just don’t want this to happen to me again.” What do you mean by this? You don’t want to be alone? You don’t want to be at fault? To be rejected? To be unloved? I think this is an important thing to look at because, if I’m not way off the mark, there is a basic thing you feel is done to you by others.
  
  For example, I have always always always chosen men who are substance abusers and end up getting involved with other women when they want to leave the relationship, which makes me feel even worse than if the relationship just ended. So I always felt like this was being DONE to me. Like it kept HAPPENING. But, finally I realized that I was no longer a child, and it is Me that is choosing these people because my clever little self is attracted to those men who are so much like my father, even though they seem outwardly so different. I keep setting myself up to fail. If I keep buying cars with no brakes, I will keep getting into accidents!
  
  Anyway, each day will have its miseries for awhile, I know. I really do. I guess all you can do in the dark, miserable times is to believe that it will end and you will start to see more sunshine a bit at a time until one day you say, “Hey, I made it for hours without even thinking about him!” And etc.
  - written 1 year, 11 months ago

• My life is falling apart because of substance abuse,
  

  Thanks for that. I will definitely check it out.
  
  He has tried to get help, without much good coming of it. At first it was his problem, but I got drawn into it, too, and now it is both of us struggling with it. As well as the underlying issues which make us the type of people that use substances to escape our uncomfortable feelings.
  
  I made it through the hard time today. I really didn’t think I could, when I went to Google and typed “Help me” and found this website! I was so low. He had just told me he wasn’t coming home tonight because I was being too emotional and he was too tired out to deal with it. I understood that. This entire past month or longer has been utterly exhausting for both of us, with day after day of confronting these parts of ourselves that are sabotaging our relationship (and our lives).
  
  But, when it became clear he wasn’t coming home, I felt such incredible panic, that **** abandonment panic which I’ve been fighting, that I didn’t know where to turn.
  
  But, I made it through. I stopped crying and hyperventilating, I didn’t try to call him anymore. I didn’t drive over to his friend’s house where he’s staying or anything drastic like that. I just stayed here and read stuff and tried to accept that the relationship may well be done, and that there is a great deal of work I need to do on myself.
  
  I think what might feel the hardest now is realizing how MUCH I have to let go of in order to make him feel safe and to make me not have these big emotions, that I wonder what is left in the relationship. Maybe it is just over because our needs are so disparate. And right there is the crux of my entire adult life:
  Dealing with Being Alone.
  
  Sigh. Oh well. I’ll get dressed now and do something positive for myself. No idea when I’ll hear from him again - or what he will have decided. Or what I will have decided. And clearly this is my watershed moment. I need to Learn to Live with Loss and deal with it.
  
  Ugh, growing up is hard. Specially at age 42.
  - written 1 year, 11 months ago

• I need some encouragement…I’ve been posting
  

  Sounds so ****** hard. Really. Just take a minute here for some sympathy from me because you get a bucketload.
  It is hard to be alone again.
  It is hard to have the dreams and hopes die.
  It is hard to realize that you had created a life that included him but he did not do the same in the end.
  It is hard to believe he ever loved you.
  It is hard to handle that the person you believed was part of your life was so mean at the end.
  
  It is all so hard. Especially because of how you were raised, and your fears.
  
  What do you do now? I think it’s really good that you are talking about it and that you Don’t Want This To Ruin The Rest of Your Life. That is really good. That is the you that wants to get through this and come out whole.
  
  Sounds like you are so aware of stuff that I assume you’ve done counseling or are in counseling now? If not, it’s always a good idea, but it’s important to find someone who wants to help you move forward. So many lousy counselors out there. Perhaps someone who has training in cognitive behavioral stuff.
  
  I am struggling with such similar stuff right now. The need I have for reassurance pushes him away, then I need more reassurance, etc. I think one of the replies to you was true, that a more mature man could see that he needed to toss you a reassurance bone rather than get mad at your fear. And, as you get healthier, you will find a more mature man. But meanwhile, what you (and I) have to do is heal this fear stuff.
  
  Of course it is not all your fault that the relationship ended. But there are things that people with our types of issues do that are not healthy or easy for others to deal with. There are things that we can change, and should change because doing so will make us finally feel safe.
  
  I just spent a long time this morning reading that thing that someone posted in some reply somewhere on this website. It’s from this website http://www.divorceasfriends.com/focus.html. You have to wade through all the pointed ways that they try to make you buy stuff, but if you do that and just read the articles on the left hand panel, starting from the top, you might get what I got from it- the knowledge that I have to confront my fear of being alone, abandoned, rejected, etc.
  
  Maybe it will be of interest or help to you, or maybe not, but I think there’s some valuable stuff in understanding how your fears create emotional reactions which cause you pain. And I believe that if we do identify these fears and acknowledge that the very worst may indeed happen, and that we cannot control it no matter how much we cry or protest, that we may actually be able to get past the fear.
  
  Not sure I’m being helpful, but I sure do relate, and I totally believe you can get through this and be better than you ever were.
  - written 1 year, 11 months ago

• My life is falling apart because of substance abuse,
  

  Thanks all. He is not abusing me, but he is making poor choices. And I am making poor choices and we are not being as good or loving to each other as we should. I think it is chiefly because of the substance abuse.
  - written 1 year, 11 months ago

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