AJF's reply history at Help.com

Thanks both :)

Well yes I can do more re the rage - I will talk with a friend about it and on the spiritual level attempt to address it there - it just leaves you feeling so helpless

your also right - talking really helps and i do have someone i can potentially talk with - they are away right now however. Thanks for your being around and willing.

Re the spiritual side of things - Yes i can do more, but it just is so hard feeling nothing. But i agree that perseverance in a key here.

I just find this rage so upsetting

It was also while here that the issue of my previous post arose - this adds into the mix - I can only hope that it is all just a process of coming to know myself better before others and the Almighty.

Been here at the mon, just 3 months so far

Well - I have had a lot of stress, conflict and frustration, and dissapointment this past year…

I’m also at the moment trying monastic life so many adjustments and frustrations…. also many past issues are coming up that upset me for differect reasons, regrets and sadness for some things lost - anger and rage over others. all this on top of my trying to fit in here in a system that does’nt always seem fair. also on the spiritual level - so much is dry and distant at present so I’m hurting !!!

I supose so..

I guess that things are just building up and are hard to deal with

But dont know why I feel so angry

I guess i need to

[quote Charles..]i think its all good. and now i think u should just give it some slck and just wait. its painful i know but, theres not much of an option. just wait and see the results. this maybe painful to realize, but perhaps shes figured that she has a new life and new options? as her lover, it may not be your best choice to not have the chance to take care of her, but at least you know that she is with someone she loves and can rest assured that she will be happy and taken care of[/quote]

Thanks - AJF

[quote charles..]i still stand for my opinion - say it again and if she rejects you again, then you’ve got no choice[/quote]

Please let me know if my communications with her - above - qualify as good - cos my heart and head are not working well right now..

Thanks,

[quote Charles..]i still stand for my opinion - say it again and if she rejects you again, then you’ve got no choice[/quote]

I ALSO SENT THIS EARLIER :
I also sent this earlier - ie last night :

Dear Mandy,
is was good to talk with you - it is so good to talk with you.
Thank you !

I feel rather pathetic.

I cannot help loving you as I do, and you cannot help loving someone else and not me - the me who dropped you 4 years ago - leaving you in pain talking there alone with —- after my call - the call that made you so happy till I told you it was over - God forgive me ….. I am so sorry my dear. I would not have you change how you live or love now, for you have that right and if I so care for you, your freedom is also precious to me. Live your life fully and with passionate purpose !

Maybe i ought to stop and desist, but I’m in pain - I though I was OK, but it is now my turn to feel to it now.

M—-, if you ever need or want me in any way - ever even change your mind - please seek me out anew !!! - I will not pester you in this - I promise, for I want and need your friendship and presence in my life even if just as a dear friend.

Forgive me for sending you away without due love shown. I suffer now in repentance a pathetic figure of a half man.

Bless you M—-, may your life and love be fully blessed and be whole.

I kiss your hand and beg your forgivness,
in eternal love - your silly English fool,

It must be somewhat nice to have a guy looking to you again like this, despite the situation - maybe as you say a solid freindship can grow here instead…thanks for being so gentle M—-

John

PS - I do apologise and ask you to humor me till i can adjust and integrate - and grow up myself. your friend - John

=======

and the first contact was……

M—-,

Some thoughts from my poor brain :

“”" A few years ago, two good people ‘accidently’ fell in love - not the crush stuff - the real thing.

We had been stuck in a snowstorm at a Star Trek convention with a bunch of others and started to play and flirt a bit, then
one morning it hit us, LOVE - it was wonderful and yet so painful as well as confusing as not only were we both shipping out
to seperate locations that same day, but there were other ‘issues’ seemingly against our being together. We continued to
communicate daily for months before one of us - me - decided that despite my feelings, it was best not to act on them. This
was very painful esspecially as we had not been able to see or be together again at all, but ’seemed’ then to be for the best. We
have kept in touch as friends, unfortunatly less and less as time went by and I have just relocated to the UK 5000 from the
USA where she is in Iowa.
I hav’nt thought about this for a very long while - life got in the way, but I have had lots of time to think of late and I
realize that I still am very much in love with her and expect to remain in love with her always no matter what…
Do I tell her this or is this unfair after 4 years +
I’ve IMed her via Yahoo IM to say I need to talk - but I’am torn as to what I should say let alone do - it is’nt easy to be human.
Here I am in an English monastary trying this vocation/life - there she is many miles away in a new exciting career - be real or ?
Wish I could see her to hug her and talk, but that is’nt very possible, is it ?
Am I a fool, or just plain stupid ? “”"

So : What does the dear woman I speak of here think of this poor fool ?

I am quite sure you have moved on in life M—- since our clumsy fumblings and have loved and experianced much more and
better and I hope have found and find much happiness and fulfillment each day as your life opens up….. and grows….

Do you have a special person in your life M—- ?

Please forgive this intrusion, esp if unwelcome - however I needed to let you know…

[You know the words of the song ‘M—’ are so very true for me and it haunts me whenever I hear it.]

What n…..?

???

In love forever - whatever …. open hearted …. as ever ….

If you have moved on - that is fine - I just need to pour out my feelings to you, the one they are for.

And if you just want to pour some sense of reality into this foolish head of mine that is fine also.

- Love…

AJF -

[quote Charles..]i still stand for my opinion - say it again and if she rejects you again, then you’ve got no choice[/quote]

I sent her these - does this qualify or do I need to write something different ???

——
Dear M—-,
I’m sorry to write again, I do not want to upset you in any way and have to accept what you told me.

Just could you say a prayer for me so I can start to integrate and move on cos I am so much pain right now.
I had a hell of a night - awful - I was ok while talking to you - but the realities of this loss have sunk in and I’m crying and God seems so far away at the moment……

If you dont know what to say, I understand - just feeling a real *** I am.
and trying hard to be real - but not feeling srtong enough right now.
Please forgive me and give me time - I’m sure I will be OK.

[I have to get it together - I have an essay to write lol.]

Have a great week M—-,

your friend,

AJF
——–