Dragon_Lady's reply history at Help.com

[quote lulubelle495]I am moving,but i feel guilty.I knew she was having some issues when we first got the apartment.Things got worse and she attempted suicide a couple of months back.She really dosent have any support system.I’m not capable of dealing with this.[/quote]

You can’t save her. Advise her to get some help; but if she won’t then you have to let go. You’ll only end up bringing yourself farther down.

There is nothing wrong with a healthy desire to look good. And being interested in fashion, nice clothes, good hair styles and shoes are just part of being a western female. You deserve to look good; you deserve to have nice things, and you deserve to spend time and money on the things you love.

But….

You don’t want to let it consume you. You don’t want to let buying a new dress or getting a hair cut interfere with other parts of your life. You shouldn’t be cutting classes to go shopping or avoiding your friends over a pimple. And don’t spend yourself into the poor house, either.

Remember one thing: you are your own worst critic. You will see/perceive every flaw, while no one else will have a clue or ever notice. You have to be willing to spend a certain amount of time and money, and then say “good enough”. And whatever’s still wrong after that…just let it go. Chances are you are the only one who knows it or cares, so why stress?

Well…if you live, you’ll get your social life and probably your family back. If you die, you die with nothing and the best you’ll ever have is a cold, lonely funeral.

Stop drinking. Take a shower. Let the loser go. Start a new life of your own that doesn’t involve him.

[quote Anonymous][quote Neutra]Punishments, have you tried what people use to do, use the belt.[/quote]

I do not believe a three year old is ready for a belt. Personal belief. I was spanked as a kid, and I think it can be useful, but my parents didn’t use a belt until I was six. And when I turned eight I had to “pick my own switch off a tree” (southern thing). I do believe spanking is a good way to moderate behavior, but spanking doesn’t seem to work… it just scares her and makes her afraid of me. It does not fix the behavior.

[quote Dragon_Lady]Yes; three-year-olds are beginning to understand that Mom has limits. And so they test them to find the boundaries.

She has learned that telling you “No” and throwing a tantrum distracts you and makes you wonder what you are doing wrong.

She has learned that throwing things upsets you and she can push you ’till you’re half-nuts.

The whole thing is a game for her.

So…you have to shore up the boundaries, and stop letting her see any weakness. If she does, she will keep going for the jugular.

Continue giving her choices when you can, but limit the explanations. And if she doesn’t choose, you choose for her. No argument. No complaining. No tantrums.

If she starts screaming, quietly carry her to her room, put her in bed, and tell her that she will have to stay there until she stops. That’s it. Don’t allow any argument.

If she throws something, make her pick it up. If it was one of her own toys, you might want to just put it straight in the trash. Whoops…you threw it. Garbage now. Or alternatively just take it away. You threw your book! Mine now. Thank-you. I love a good book.

“No” is the answer to a question. It’s not a statement to tell your Mom. So when she says “No” just tell her that won’t work.

Stop explaining. Stop bribing. Stop fighting. Just set down the law and then carry through. If she just refuses to comply, she can stay in her room. If she thrashes the room, she can clean it up and you can bag up her stuff and carry it away.

If absolutely nothing gets through, you might want to schedule some family counselling to find more ways to deal specifically with her. But whatever you do, stop letting her make you angry or upset. Don’t yell, don’t cry, don’t yield.[/quote]
I agree with Dragon Lady. It’s not as easy as she makes it sound, but I have to admit that she’s right.
As a parent, I desperately want my kid to know that I love her, but it is affecting my judgement as far as punishment goes. I think she’s right. My child doesn’t have to understand, she just has to behave.
It’s not easy for us. I’m a single parent, and sometimes I feel like I have to be extra understanding because I feel bad that her dad is a deadbeat. Unfortunately, being that way is turning her into a brat. I appreciate your input, and I hope that I can do that with my kid. I’m not in any saying it will be easy though.[/quote]

No; it’s not easy. I have four kids, and I went through it all with every one of them. They will drive you right over a cliff if you let them. So just don’t. It will take her a while to learn the game is over, but things will go better for both of you when it is.

She needs security, and she needs to know Mom is a tough rock that doesn’t wobble. When that becomes a fact for her, she will start learning to respect you. At least…until she’s about 12. Then you’ll have to go through another round.

Yes; three-year-olds are beginning to understand that Mom has limits. And so they test them to find the boundaries.

She has learned that telling you “No” and throwing a tantrum distracts you and makes you wonder what you are doing wrong.

She has learned that throwing things upsets you and she can push you ’till you’re half-nuts.

The whole thing is a game for her.

So…you have to shore up the boundaries, and stop letting her see any weakness. If she does, she will keep going for the jugular.

Continue giving her choices when you can, but limit the explanations. And if she doesn’t choose, you choose for her. No argument. No complaining. No tantrums.

If she starts screaming, quietly carry her to her room, put her in bed, and tell her that she will have to stay there until she stops. That’s it. Don’t allow any argument.

If she throws something, make her pick it up. If it was one of her own toys, you might want to just put it straight in the trash. Whoops…you threw it. Garbage now. Or alternatively just take it away. You threw your book! Mine now. Thank-you. I love a good book.

“No” is the answer to a question. It’s not a statement to tell your Mom. So when she says “No” just tell her that won’t work.

Stop explaining. Stop bribing. Stop fighting. Just set down the law and then carry through. If she just refuses to comply, she can stay in her room. If she thrashes the room, she can clean it up and you can bag up her stuff and carry it away.

If absolutely nothing gets through, you might want to schedule some family counselling to find more ways to deal specifically with her. But whatever you do, stop letting her make you angry or upset. Don’t yell, don’t cry, don’t yield.

I’ve never tried it, but I discovered this site: http://www.419baiter.com/ about ten years ago and used to read it every week. Some of it is hilarious.

Yes; psychiatric care as soon as possible. Tell your parents the truth, and have them take you to the doctor.

[quote xjessicababz]i am so glad there are people like me somewhere else, i actually want to kill myself under all the happy, no one knows me and thats really upsetting, i eat myself alive everyday for being made badly I am happy in every other respect because

I have run out of sadness. I have a very well funded family, I’m the most popular person in my entire area (5 schools), I have a wonderful job, all my friends know Im gay (its seen as a good thing with friends in my area) but my parents don’t know because im a coward.

I feel terrible for thinking of committing suicide, my parents already hate me, but my nan loves me, when she dies, I die, I have no person else left, my friends dont know me very well because it is hard to tell everyone the same thing, i do not have enough time,

I want a sex change but I cant live anymore, I cant wait it out, I don’t have the money, my father wont fund me because he doesnt like me and im too scared to ask, want to talk to a psychiatrist because if I don’t Im going to kill myself soon, I just was someone to hold me close and actually care about me, but we are all alone.

i am going to ask for help but I don’t know where to start, I just want relief from how I feel, lthough I am always wearing my happy mask, but for now im just going to cry when this doesnt send because i havent signed up to te website, I just want so desperately to be straight but noone can help :’(((

ps this is a real e-mail is just one i use so noone knows who i am :’([/quote]

Why do you believe your parents hate you? If they really do, that might be the source of some of your confusion. After all, who wants to like a father who is abusive? No one. And if Dad is straight…being gay is as different as you can get.

I think a psychiatrist could really help you. You sound like you’re really angry and depressed, and I honestly doubt just being gay could possibly cause all of that. It seems like there must be a bit more hiding under the covers.

Also…you say you want desperatly to be straight. But then you say you want a sex change. I assume you want to become a straight female so you can be attracted to men without the stigma? Or do you want a sex change because you really want to be female? I think if you clarified your motives, the next step might come easier. I have no idea what such a thing requires, but I suspect seeing a psychiatrist is high on the list. So maybe that is where you should start?

[quote michaeljacko]Wow.. i completely agree with what the_phoeni said.. I feel that exact same way.. I can’t stand the fact that I am potentially gay, or confused… or i dont even know. All i know is that ive always been attracted much more the what males have than females.. but at the same time i feel like it would gross me out to kiss a man or do anything with butts. haha, what a funny way to put it. its such a shame too b/c women have liked me my whole life, i even currently have an amazingly hot girlfriend… but for some reason vaginas just dont really turn me on.. ive had a good amount of sex before reaching climax.. but oral sex for a women is really not my cup of tea.. i get turned on by my girlfriend a lot.. like sometimes well even be kissin and stuff and i get very erect..

either way, theres still lingering thoughts in my mind about men.. and every day i try to hide it and its eating me alive.. what if my amazing girlfriend would find out that she was dating a homosexual?? AHH I’m going to explode.. i always wanted security, a wife, kids.. what else is even worth living for if i cant have that?

dont feed me the ******** either, i get so sick of hearing “you are who you are”. I dont dislike gays, but i definately hate that i am one, or maybe am one.. **** it i dont even know

**** life[/quote]

It sounds to me like you’re really confused about who you are, and what you want. But it also sounds like you’re letting your fears of what might be stand in the way of what you want to be.

What if your girlfriend did find out you’re a little…left. Maybe she would leave you. But maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe she would just tell you that she expects you to be true to her, but that she doesn’t care what you think about or how you fantasize or who you’re attracted to. “Let your mind roam the cosmos, but keep your hands to yourself” may be good enough for her.

Security, a wife, kids…lots of openly gay men have these things. There’s no good reason why you can’t, too.

[quote 1lonelywolf]I’m alone with no family. Most years during the holiday I travel. This year there is no traveling money.[/quote]

Hmmm…drag out the old VCR and tape a bunch of travelling shows. Watch them all at once on Christmas day?

[quote Cell]AAAHHHHH…..I missed an appointment with a client on Saturday! I went Christmas shopping instead. I didn’t look at my calendar! :([/quote]

You have to get into the habit of doing it everyday.

That’s also the advantage of some kind of small, portable system that you can carry with you. If you’re looking at it on Friday you’re less likely to miss what needs to be done on Saturday. Also, you can schedule client meetings and such with an eye to whatever else you need to be doing, so you won’t miss the important stuff.

Find ways to break out of the ruts.

Take a different route to work.
Eat lunch somewhere new.
Try reading books of a whole different genre than what you usually choose.
Walk to work instead of driving.
Spend the weekend doing something you’ve never done before.

Just change a few small things out every month, ’till you find a few that you really enjoy and look forward to.

Hmmm…. I’m not sure if that’s a problem. At your age, I would think it’s probably pretty normal. But, it shouldn’t start to interfere with other things you need to do. You shouldn’t be late for class or skipping lunch or walking around campus (ahem) with your hands in your pockets.

If you’re really worried about it, ask your doctor.

I suffered from panic attacks from age 15. Believe me, I know what you’re going through. Counselling and medication does help -more than you might believe- so go see your doctor, and tell him what’s going on. He can put you on anti-anxiety meds, and refer you to a specialist.

In the meantime, if you feel them coming on, just sit quietly and remind yourself that these feelings are only feelings, and they will pass. The world isn’t changing, you’re not sick or having a heart attack, and the feelings won’t last forever.

Very few people mention suicide at all if they’re not at least contemplating it. Fact is, there are a lot of people who hurt. Seeing so many posts about it should just remind you you’re not alone, and that lots of people are there or have been there.