lillian's reply history at Help.com

Maybe you should just ask your boyfriend what his intentions are in meeting this Jess girl.. you seem to be harbouring a lot of ill-will about the situation which isn’t healthy for anyone. Get it all out in the open and talk about it.

Guys like girls who are true to themselves - in saying that though, all guys are just as different as all girls are! It really depends on the guys personality. Be true to yourself though - I guarantee you there will be a guy or several that find that highly attractive. A confident girl is a happy girl, and humans instinctively like to be around other happy people :)

I’d like to recommend most Jodi Picoult books.. mainly The Pact. It’s a kind of depressing, sad story, but just really addictive and well written. I think it’s one of those books that all teenagers should read! About teenage love and relationships.

Amanda that’s great - did you write it yourself? This has just put me in a great mood :) Do you mind if I copy the text and forward it to a few people who I think might appreciate the reminder? Thanks!

mom4nutt, that made me really smile :) If that is your own story, I’m very happy for you!! :)

tictac, that was perfectly said. Vs, I can only reiterate what tictac has already mentioned. Obviously I, at a much younger age, have not been through as complete a heartbreak as this, but I can definitely empathise with what you are feeling. My world was absolutely destroyed when my ex broke up with me, and we were only dating 2 and a half years. I am not trying to belittle my own experiences - but my own heartbreak is obviously quite pale as to what you have experienced.

In saying this, heartbreak to one person is heartbreak to another. Emotions are what make us human - you and I share this with each other as well as with the rest of the world. They are a blessing and a burden. But, they make us human - and you have said yourself that you are capable of experiencing immense joy. Look forward to this time again buddy, because I promise you it will come. At the pits of our despairs, we don’t think it’s possible, but that is where your friends love and experience comes into it, to remind you that it is possible.

Unfortunately heartbreak is something we all have to go through at one stage or another, and if we all threw the towel in when it happened, the world would be non-existant! The joy of finding love again - true, honest, reciprocated love - will far outweigh the despair you feel currently. You will be there again! As tictac mentioned, for now, try and distance yourself from the things that upset you, spend some time with friends, or playing Xbox, or doing things you enjoy. Take into consideration what has happened and what you heave learnt from it (a great deal already, I can tell), but don’t dwell on the ‘what if’s’. They don’t really help - you could find yourself stuck in a cycle of guilt which is not a healthy place.

The last thing I want to address is how long you will feel like this - well, in all honesty that is really up to you. Others can only do so much to cheer you up and support you, but in all honesty, you will only move on when YOU choose to. Accept the offers of support, give yourself space and time to grieve, but when that is over, you need to make the effort to move on with your life. We only have one - make the most of it! Good luck, and as you’ve noticed, there are almost always people on here to offer you advice and support.

Sure is.. enjoy it while you have it! When I was dating my ex boyfriend of almost 2 and a half years I thought things were perfect, and that I was madly and truly in love. It’s funny how things change.. We broke up, I moved on much to my bewilderment and am now even more in love with my current boyfriend of just over a year.

I never though that would happen - strange how things work! Now my main concern (although it’s kind of a blessing in disguise) is now that I have been through one heartbreak, I know I could survive another. This kind of gets me to thinking that because I am at the age to decide if my partner is ‘The One’.. do I want to tempt fate and see what else is out there? Or do I just want to commit now and bask in the love we have for each other? Hmm.. I’m happy, just something to ponder. I never though I’d survive a heartbreak, but I did, so I guess I’m just not as scared of that possibility anymore!

That’s a good idea - I know what you mean also about missing out on an integral part of your childhood. I still feel kind of ‘messed up’ as a result of missing out on seeing my parents a lot due to work. As I am growing up (I’m not much older than you, almost 21) I feel I’m slowly finding that piece of ‘me’ that has been missing. I’ve travelled a little now, lived with my now-ex boyfriend in England for 8 months and feel somewhat more satisfied that I can do things for myself. I also recently moved out for 6 months with my current boyfriend but had to move home due to financial issues. All in all, I don’t regret any of these decisions and I suspect you may be a little like me - get your head stuck on an idea and won’t be sated til you complete it. Some don’t think it’s the best way to be (ask my father!!) but I’m quite happy with how I’ve turned out thus far. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the right thing and in this case it’s sticking to what is true to you. Don’t let others sway you - although in saying that you are still young enough to take others opinions into account. Discuss the idea with your family and see what they say. Relying on yourself is one of the best things you can do growing up - you learn a phenomenal amount about yourself and I found it really helped me.

How old are you? That also makes a big difference. I think the biggest question you need to ask yourself is - how will I feel in 20 or 30 years if I DON’T do this now? That should give you a pretty good indication of how badly you want/need to do it. Remember also to keep in contact with your family and friends - don’t just disappear off the face of the earth as that will just cause undue stress to those that care about you. If you prefer to be as alone as possible - explain that to them prior to leaving, let them know your plans and that you will remain in contact to let them know how you are doing. Also remember that you can always return home - that wouldn’t make you a failure. Do whatever you need to do to satisfy yourself :)

Just relax and take it easy - but don’t relax so much that it’s ’sloppy’. Imagine you are using just your lips to eat an ice cream - kind of firm but soft at the same time. Have fun with it. Don’t slobber too much and don’t freak out if you feel his/her drool in your own mouth! Make sure you come up for air and don’t be too full on. Start with a few smaller kisses and gradually open your mouth until you can feel your partner reciprocating, then try poking your tongue forward a little and see if he/she reciprocates. It comes pretty naturally once it’s happening :) Have fun!

Man, that’s an intense read. I feel so awful for you - your situation is not enviable at all. The one positive I can get out of this is that you seem like an amazing guy, with a very worthy array of attributes to offer another potential mate. I can sympathise with how much pain you must be in right now - but reading this as an outsider, I found it hard to understand how you said you would take this woman back. I understand you have dedicated much of your life to her, and sacraficed many things, but has she for you? Would she for you? Do you REALLY want to be with a woman has screwed you, your family, and your emotions around this much? Whatever you do, please don’t take her back - don’t even consider it. You deserve a lot better. She has obviously betrayed your trust and lied about what she thinks of you, and a leopard doesn’t change it’s spots. Believe in yourself and what a good person you are - try as hard as you can to move on with your life, surround yourself with your family and try and re-build those strong bonds. You will make it through this, and you clearly have so much love and care to offer a more worthy woman. Be strong - don’t give up!

This is cute - wish my boyfriend would write me funny random things like that! It’s our 1 year anniversary today too! Haha, send him an email for me, SMO! :p

ChicagoGirl, thanks so much for your reply. That has pretty much backed up my personal beliefs in a concise way that I can put to my partner. My main worry was that as you mentioned, my children would not feel spiritually fulfilled if I didn’t try to pass some beliefs on to them. I guess my next problem then is defining exactly what my beliefs are - my partner and I were both raised Catholic but have never really identified with such a strictly organised religion. As you also mentioned, I think we are both at that transitioning to what religion/philosophy/way of life really suits us. Hopefully we have that one sorted out prior to our children needing spiritual direction! Thanks again :)

Penguin, that’s exactly my argument. I guess both of us (him more than me) feel it is easier to send them to a Christian school because that is what we are both familiar with.. In addition, both of our families have quite strong Roman Catholic beliefs, so in some part I guess we kind of owe it to ‘tradition’ to send them to Christian schools. I think that maybe I will look into some multi-faith schools in the area and read up a little more - thank you for the suggestion :)

I agree with that, ultimately I want my children to make their own mind up about which religion, if any, they would like to follow. But my problem is that if we send them to a Catholic/Christian school, then we as parents would be expected to be actively involved in their Christian/Catholic development, even when neither of us really identify with that religion (except that both of us had the same upbringing). I guess the issues are raised when we are to help teach our children about Holy Communion and their Confirmation etc. when both of us would feel it is hypocritical to instil what we consider myths in their belief system..