Yeah i know. I need to calm down a bit. Going to be rough today when ex is moving out and spending the first night alone. We stayed in bed together this last night. I loved that. Just sleeping, no funny business. Felt good just to be close and not having any bad feelings and all that.
Cold you say? It´s not that cold here yet. It´s chilly though. Think the winter and snow is just around the corner. Forecast tell of bad weather today. Just have to take whatever comes.
Going to be a lot going on today as well. Moving all the stuff and seeing the therapist again.
I do love my tea as well. Been hooked on coffee again though. Probably need to kick that after a while. Just winds me up. ;)
Bah.. Playing it cool now, but i can feel the emotions brewing.. Think i´m going to cry this evening. That´s okay though. It´s good to let things out.
Talked about being close in the future. Visit eachother and all that and not end up bitter on each side of town.
lol :D Thank you. Does the below sentence make sense?
There is no doubt that humanity can make wonderful and beautiful things (not that a road, or parking lot are all that beautiful), but when we forget that were it not for God, none of those things that we have made were possible…
Think i´m getting a bit sick as well.. Eeeeeverything at once you know. Like “bring it!” :D
Need to change the tires on my car today. Get on the studded ones. There´s talk about snow tomorrow so better be ready for it today. Going to therapy again and then it´s moving the ex out for a couple of hours. So i think tomorrow will be quite stressful. Looking forward to get it over with so i can start focusing on getting in the groove again.
Just one more coffee and maybe i can slip outside to get something done. ;)
Been going towards this, but it´s the day when i´m left all by myself here again and she´s gone that will be the real deal. When it´s no questioning anything anymore.
I don´t look forward to that really. I´ll manage, but i think i know myself well enough to say that it will be a challenge.
One can only try to get some focus around what i need to be doing in the future. I do have some things i can fill my days with beside the daily grind of feeding oneself and keeping the house in order.
Maybe i´ll look into making it a little more homy here as well. It´ll be empty when all the stuff is gone. I do have my things, but i really need to see if there is someone giving away stuff that can improve it all. That would probably be for the better as i´m stuck here for a while anyways. Make the best of it and all that you know.
I feel a bit too much i guess. About a lot of things. Hard to focus.
I would like to just get things sorted and move on. It´s a lot in the dark now i guess. I feel that things are to come forth that will be a challenge. Time will tell. I think that i´ll be standing though. I know it´s going to be really hard, but i can´t stop. I need to keep on moving forward.
I dunno if i should visit more often now. Maybe in time. I don´t think i need to stress about what i need to do or feel bad for not having a good relation there. There are reasons for all the things being the way they are. I got things to address and i think that some of them will come up in therapy so i can see things more clearly.
Just going into things and hoping they get better without understanding them don´t really work. Seems like things are changing though. So i think there is progress over the board. What i do feel i need is to include more social stimuli over time and get diversity. Then i can probably evolve more rather than just seeing the same people over and over. Will give a broader perspective.
Ah.. So that´s the rumbling i´ve heard coming on the winds.. I was worried about that. Thought godzilla was coming in.. :D
Yeah i know. I would like to be at peace though. To give and receive love for a while without so much issues. in time maybe.
I know i need to give her the room to do her own thing. Its hard not to get involved i guess. Care too much.
Yeah.. A drink makes it so much easier.. I´m al nerves on the outside and stress over everything. Can´t stand to just having things loaded onto me. Need to stand more up for myself and not take it.
It´s not all about wavelength i guess. Context. Substance. Needs to be something with meaning.
Well.. You know me.. I´m looking for love in all the wrong places. ;)
I think i´m opening the door there and just letting everything flow. I just don´t want to slam the door in someones face again as i have done that before. We don´t know what people brings what. I think that i need to evolve myself in my communication. Practice and all. I feel that it´s about letting go and letting be more than chasing maybe. In time i think i can balance this better.
Empathy is nice, but it surely brings challenges as well. ;)
She don´t need meds in my mind. She needs to let go of her fears and open up. It won´t go away ever all the pain she´s carrying with her. And until that hurdle is dealt with, nothing will change and she´ll get a miserable life as predicted by herself. I´ve told her about this. The seed is sown, now she needs to figure it out for herself.
The trial for the tabs is 30 days. I don´t think she´ll see what it´s doing to her. Hopefully she can talk to me. It would be much easier if i could go with her to the psychologist. I think i´ll make myself available for it to give some feedback as i have lived with her. Might be good, might be rejected. At least I’ve tried.
Mum? Well.. It´s not great, but i feel it´s somewhat better i guess. I get exhausted being there if i´m not drinking. With some alcohol in the system i calm down the nerves and i´m able to talk. Had a chat with her when she picked me up here. Seems like she´s not all lost even though there are issues there regarding relations. She has a tendency to just nag about everything and i don´t like that.
I find speaking to people is evolving something. It can´t be just anyone though. Some people is like talking to air or something.. It´s about finding the ones with substance. Seem to be able to judge more correctly these days.
Met a girl at the party. She looked ever so good. Wish i had told her really. She could not talk properly and had some issues with that. Chatted with her for nearly an hour i think. Really nice. Later she became held up in social conventions and i could not talk to her anymore.. People.. Love/hate them.. ;)
I´m looking at it the same way really. I just want to make the best of the situation and not feel that the house is filled with poison. I´m going to have to live her when she´s gone.
Meant to be.. Well.. I think that everything happens for a reason. I know i grow a lot from this. I´m able to look at people and point out things in their life in a scary way. There was a lady coming along for the ride when i went to the party yesterday. I told her a lot of things about herself and issues she needs to address. My mother was driving. My mother told me later that the other lady found it hard to be confronted with so much that was so true and she had noe idea of how i could see these things.
Looking back on this i feel there is things i can and maybe should do in the future. Although i have no clue to what. But it´s still quite amazing to do these things. I remember saying that i can´t do other than point out what i see. Then the other person needs to look inside themselves and choose if the things said should be taken in or rejected.
Had a chat with several people y-day. Loved it. I´m finding a newfound love for people in general. I like to be social and do…. Wait a minute.. The most amazing deja vu is coming in here.. I´ve dreamt about this before..
Meds? Yeah. She is getting some for her depression. I think she changed from them. She can´t see it though. I can´t tell her until she´s moved away. She tried something else earlier and i told her and the psychologist about what i saw then.
What she needs is to open up and share. Take in and go through the motions. She just wants to get a pill that fixes everything and not do any work. She knows everything, she´s really smart although she refuse to see it.
I know i need to go in the boat with my rod for some time. I feel that everything gives me the opportunity to learn more and grow. Even tough i fall hard for the ones giving m love i don´t have illusions of hitting the target first try. I need to get back on the horse and see where it all takes me from here.
I´ve been through a lot and i know the price of true knowledge. I´m willing to pay to get where i need to be.
Uhm.. Poor choice of words i guess. Yeah, moving out as a result og the breakup.
She is hot´n cold on the subject of remaining friends. If you think i´m a roller coaster you aint seen nothin´..
One day she hopes we can visit eachother and hang out, the next she just wants to die, another she wants to isolate herself completely from the world.
I think she knows what she has in me, but she´s not able to take it in and enjoy it. She feels bad and starts a vicious circle that destroys everything around her. One has to be firm in oneself to withstand this.
I recognize everything from my own patch of darkness. I felt the exact same way and pushed everyone away. I guess that´s why i put up with it all.
In time i just hope she can see what i have done for her and hopefully it´ll ferry her through so she don´t give up and kill herself. I would hate that. Deep down she´s amazing really and have the care and warmth of a genuine good human being. It´s impossible for her to bring this forth though as her mind is set on everyone abandoning her and hating her. So the defense is to poison the world to make it fit her own expectations.
I do know how to pick em don´t i.. “Challenge accepted!” The other girl had issues of another world from this. She could take in and give love more easily even though the saying is the same. “I can´t give you enough and i don´t deserve you.”
Makes me wonder.. Am i really that high maintenance? Demanding? Idk.. I feel i can work out anything as long as there is a will to make it happen. The other girl told me that leaving me behind must have been one of the absolute dumbest things she has ever done.
She knows exactly what i feel. I have told her all about that. I´ve given it all i got and then she needs to figure it out. She´s moving away soon and for all i know it´s all over and long gone. Just need to see what´s left of our friendship down the line. I don´t really have anyone else so i feel that it would be quite a loss if everything just goes down the drain.
It´s not really possible to see things clearly now. I can make out some of it, but all in all i need some distance and time in solitude to wrap my mind around everything.
Well, it was quite good. Had a chat with several people and did enjoy myself. Just really tired and fed up now.
ex is saying i´m pushing her away.. I don´t get that really. She have not been willing to talk to me all week and is flipping it around or something. I know i´m not all happy and chatty atm. I mean.. Who could be?
Bah.. Living this closed to one who is depressed is surely something that takes it´s toll. I would like to do something, but i can´t really. And that´s kinda hard. Wondering if she might do something stupid today. She fell apart y-day and thought about ending it all. I´m somewhat confused about the whole deal. I do recognize some of it from my own dark times.
It´s like it´s bad if i leave her today and bad if i stay. She has pushed me away and made it impossible for me to be there for her and comfort her. Tells me that she just want to leave everything behind and dwell all alone in the midst of her misery.
I think i care too much about her. I can let her go as a girlfriend and all, but it´s something else completely to leave a person behind who really needs someone to be there. So i´m at a loss of what to do next. I don´t know how to live with it if i leave and i come home to find her dead. I know i can´t take responsibility for everything, but this would be a bit on me either way i guess. And that would be a load to take on in which i´m surely uncertain i can take.
Thinking about letting her friends know and maybe they´ll come to aid to help. If i try i won´t be able to get in anymore so that´s hard. She does not seem to be able to use the ones around her in a proper way. I can understand this, but it sure is hard.
I´m thinking that if i leave and she goes off the hinges i won’t be able to enjoy anything at all tonight. This uncertainty brings forth some bad emotional issues. I´m sort of doomed either way i go.
I´ll try to talk with her when we drop the kid off at dad´s later. See if i can manage to get something from her. Maybe add some pressure. Idk really. I don´t want her to just give up either. Down in all the trouble there is so much good. She´s just not able to express any of it as this emotional state makes everything come tumbling down.
I think i know that i´m going to be able to manage whatever comes, but i don´t like the idea of having something terrible happen this close with someone i care so much about.
The issues i´ve been through have taught me a lot. And i´m grateful for that. I know i haven´t been treated well and that this whole deal surely would not be accepted by many. Even though i feel that there´s something i´m missing here. And i don´t want to look back on things and see that i could do something if it all hits the fan.
This is when one feels at wits end. Not knowing which direction to turn for aid. I have given it all my very best and that was not enough to break through. I feel badly about that cause i would think that it would lift the vail of this darkness. I know it´s not my responsibility. Though.. I´m wondering also what people would think of me if the worst happens. “Why did you leave?” “Why weren’t you there?” Well.. I can say that i tried and got pushed away, but i don´t know if that would be enough. This guilt you know.. Creeping in like a thief in the night. Taking everything you hold dear and smash it to pieces.
That´s so strange really. I mean come on.. What are the odds? :D
Hope i get some good r&r in before tomorrow. Excited now so i know i can force the mood on even if i get stressed out from the things i need to do. Hopefully i´ll just focus in my energy on having a blast.
Just need to get tired and such. Bouncing a bit in my seat now.. Strange to sit just yards away from a hot chick and have no interest in that. It´s kinda like a waste if you know what i mean? ;)
No really.. I find it odd that we can´t talk. I don´t understand that yet. Down the line everything will become clear. Having some brain fog i guess. I don´t overdo it either. I think that things reveal themselves when we are ready for it.
A bit hungry too.. Maybe get a snack before bed later.
Cider is nice too. Few too many and it´s a roller coaster in the stomach though.. Dunno about the ones you have over there. Think i´ll need to give that a go at some point.
Yeah, events come and go. It´s always something going on. When everything is really bad it slows down though. Things only comes when one is ready and it seems that i´m always managing to land on my feet. I like that even though i kinda hate it all when it comes down on me hard.
I can eat cake and chocolate, but i don´t feel any need to do so. Guess i´m lucky. ;) I would be elfin´huge..
My ex is hot on candy and such. I have no interest for it and therefore ca leave it be. I think that´s kinda great. Means i can focus on my own rather than crave other things. I´m a sucker for beer though. I can´t sit idly by in the evening listening to the sound of a fresh can from the fridge being opened.. I feel rather weak there.
It´s both ways though. Somehow we have som much in common. Makes for great jokes. I hope i´ll be comfortable around here. Think that a friendship would be nice. Now i know that having her as gf is out of the question either way so that´ll calm me down for it.
Not that bothered i guess. I think things will work itself out in the end. And we´ll see how things go from here.