ljohnso's shoutbox - Help.com

Did you send MariaBad a Happy Birthday message - that’s what I’m in the middle of - the post is called ‘I want to post some Magic Dust’

Good Morning - it’s 7.51 am here and I’m just making breakfast - if you are going to be around for a little bit I’ll give you a longer shout back. Got to take my stupid brother for his biopsy today so it’s all a bit topsy turvy here. Give me half an hour if you can - love Marie

I have been having ultrasound until a couple of weeks ago. Today she did some soft tissue massage to try to get the kink out, but, it hurt so bad when she was doing it I wanted to cry. I walked on the treadmill a while to see if I could walk it out, but, no such luck. I think that just irritated it and that’s why it is worse tonight. It’s just so frustrating to go backwards so far. I was starting to have hope that maybe it would heal and I’d be ok. I should have known better. That never happens for me. It always has to be so complicated. I haven’t gone to the Harvard webpage. I’ll try it. I’m up for anything as far as my back goes. This disc is probably wearing out they said because I hurt it so bad last year. All my other discs are at risk. They are trying to teach me how to do things without making things worse. I didn’t even do anything the other night though when it happened. Yes, I am tired. I think most of that is because of the setback, and, the pain isn’t fun. I’m worried about a possible surgery and I’m worried about medicine. I told my best friend tonight that if I do have another surgery, she’s probably going to have to keep the pills for me and just give me what I need on a daily basis or else I will misuse them. Not by choice. I just can’t seem to help it. It controls me, I don’t control it. The surgery would be even worse than my last 2 back surgeries. And, they may have to take bone from my pelvis to use when it’s fused, or, they might be able to use donor bone. If they use my own, that means another surgery to get it out, and, more recovery. I’m sure I’m worrying too soon. I’m sure there are going to be ups and downs with my back until it fully heals, if it is going to. I’m supposed to go down to California as soon as possible for work. I was supposed to go Jan 7th, but, had emergency surgery on the 3rd. I’ve worried about carrying luggage. Wish someone could go with me. My aunt, I love her, but, she told me that it’s too bad I don’t have a husband that could go and help me. That just depresses me because I hate being alone. I don’t need reminders. It just hurts. My best friend and I were talking the other night too. I turn 40 on June 7th. I don’t want to. She told me it’s not so bad. She turned 40 3 years ago. She understood though when I told her that it’s very depressing for me. I wanted a family more than anything. I’ve had so many CAT scans that they doctors don’t think I can have kids now though, and, turning 40 makes it seem like it’s going to be impossible before long anyway. It hurts. So, I’m dealing with that too. When you are already down, things like that seem worse than they are too. Oh, I do have a call in to my doctor’s office to see about getting on an antidepressant. The doctor I see tomorrow if I go won’t be able to give me anything probably for that. My regular doctor is retiring and isn’t in much anymore. I’m going to see a different lady, but she’s pretty booked. They are going to call when they have an opening. I guess if I told them this is the main reason I want to come in I could get in sooner. I’m supposed to have a yearly physical, so, I was going to ask for the medicine then. But, at least I did pick up the phone and call so I could get on something. If I didn’t, my best friend was going to call for me, even if I didn’t want her to. I’m glad she said that. I know I need counseling too, and, she may need to force me into that too. I told her she might have to. I need it, but, don’t want to go.

Anyway, that’s kind of what’s going on right now. I need to not worry about surgery until I know for sure if it’s definite because I don’t need to get to the place again where I feel like death is better. When I think of how I was feeling week before last, that really scares me. I can’t afford to get that down again.

Is this the best way to write you? Would it be better if I just post? Or, e-mail? I’m going to go to bed shortly since I haven’t slept much the past couple of nights. I’m afraid to go to bed and have another sleepless night, but, I have to try. Thanks for listening!! I wasn’t sure how to get in touch with you again cuz I’d posted a while back but wasn’t sure you saw it. I’ll let you know what happens if I see the doctor tomorrow.

Lynette

This back thing is bad. I can hear the tiredness in your writing. I dont think being scared is an option you know but I can totally understand why you are. I wish I could fix it for you. I had an ex who literally shrunk in front of my eyes over the space of a few weeks because his discs crumbled - one thing that did help him was ultrasound. Dont know if they use it everywhere but it worked for him. Sounds like you have work under better control - as in you are in control lol. Just worries me that you never seem to be getting rid of the back problem. Have you ever contacted the Harvard medical Webpage, they dont answer straight away but when they do it’s usually quite inspiring. We contacted them about my son’s spinal cord and they eventually sent a guy over to London to help treat him - that was all from just posting a message on their website. I’d try anything if I were you. You do sound less fragile but still a bit fed up. I hate typing in this shout box - it squashes everthing lol

Hello flower - how are you? Gosh it seems like ages since we spoke. Tell me all the stuff - take it you need a chat?