I think that you have every right to be upset and no, you are not over-reacting. I look at it this way and this is a good question you can ask everytime you wonder if something is inappropriate: Would he do this with you standing there and knowing about it? I am also not a prude, but there is something about too much porn too! Too much of it can cause desensitization toward you. I am sorry, but how would men feel if we watched the Borne Identity and expected our men to be like Matt Damien character, always hot, perfect body, stacks of money, kick *** and took care of his woman. Male characters are perfect in movies, if we actually believed is was real life we would be in trouble with our expectations. This has been a fight with my husband. Honestly, these women are being paid to be that “dirty” with no emotional ties to their partners. I have explained to my husband multiple times that sex is so awesome when I feel a connection with him and not trying to live up to a fantasy of unreal sexual experience. YOu need to confront him and tell him that what he is doing is supposed to be for just you two and it is cheating. Good luck. - written 2 months, 3 weeks ago
I don’t judge you. Everyone deserves to be in love, to be loved, and to give it. However, being in love doesn’t keep you in love. Marriage is the hardest commitment a person will ever have. My husband recently cheated on me, why? Because he said that he felt disconnected to me and that we haven’t been happy for a while. Problem with these kind of situations, is that no one really knows what an affair means or what is actually wrong in the marriage, or who is at fault. The answer I think is that the affair is symbolic, the marriage is very fixable, but BOTH have to try.One thing I can tell you from going to counseling with my husband is that we were both at fault in our marriage. Now should he have gone out side our marriage? Definitely not. It doesn’t fix the problem, it only creates a whole new level of problems for that marriage. Our problems were not soley caused by me (the wife), they were caused by us. Him too. No one is perfect and when you start talking about mortgages, who is picking up kids, my husband travels a lot and is a hard worker. Somewhere along the way he figured his wife and kids could go on auto-pilot without him. That was his mistake, because we had to and became an outsider to his own family, his own kids. My fault is I let it happen. I should have fought for him. And he should have fought for us. The only thing, advice I can offer, is you need to find out why it doesn’t work for them and honestly why he is still hanging on. Chances are their marriage is not that horrible and is that fixable. Your other question is will it really be any different if he was with you. Right now you are not sharing the mundane everyday problems of bills, schedules and kids(if they have some-something you want to consider). If he has kids, they are and always will be connected. People feel and give love in different ways. It could very well be that his needs were not being met because he wasn’t getting love in a way that he needed; in turn, he may not have been giving his wife love in the way she needed either. This is what happened with my husband and I. I need quality time, my husband needs constant approval. My husband kept giving me what he thought I needed and did not listen to what I really needed. In turn, I criticized his lack of trying. My husband finally opened up about what the affair was: an escape from reality. He still had very strong feelings about the other woman, but she was a symbol of what he still wanted, of what we had once. I am in no way trying to diminish you, but you have wonder what you are to him. What will happen with the fantasy becomes reality, then what? There is also the trust issue. Will you be able to trust him if things aren’t exactly perfect with your relationship? The other thing, her letting him go is really the only way he will leave her. My husband said that he didn’t want to leave me and that me fighting for him superseded any amount of desire he had to be with the other woman. Please don’t think that my comments are only from the side of the wife. I had once went out with a man a few times(said he was divorced-he could have lied) but he had kids with his wife and he was still very upset about the whole thing. Rule 1: if he still has emotions (anger, sadness, if he is torn or lingering toward his wife) he probably still loves her. Rule 2: if there are kids, extended family (both sides) = a stable environment will call to him. Rule 3: Only if a man is divorced (not separated), then and only then is he available. As women, we have to be smarter than that. Men don’t always think rationally or think about the future. When I asked my husband how was he going to deal with his family, our friends, the kids, etc. if we divorced over this. He hadn’t thought about it all, not really. He would have to start a whole new life, his family would have been gracious but poor girl would have been an outsider forever. (His mom however would not have be so nice, she is hugely disappointed with him and probably would have never accepted her-she is a little resentment-holding). My husband was going to see his friends outside of their families . Some of my best friends are my husband’s friends wives, they know our situation, and would have rejected her (they have kids too-sorry, but truth is…women who are close, especially women with kids stick together). Again, a strain in their relationship that he would not have even considered. And for us, our children’s birthday parties, holidays, special occasions. More strain on their relationship. I don’t think you are a bad person, I think you have found yourself in a bad situation. I know you will find happiness, but how can two people find happiness in this situation without leaving destruction behind? And do you really want to be with someone who could do that? Good luck! - written 2 months, 3 weeks ago
