DocT's reply history at Help.com

Hey airmanfirs,

So what are “you” doing about your “lack” of money? How about spend it on getting your brain (naturaly) re-ballenced.

So just how physically able are you? How about putting it out there :-)

How is your boyfriend accecpted by your brothers?
Being thay have their lives at a perticular leval, and one would assume expectations about ones age.

The next thing is what you told him that got your mother so upset ( was it what she thought should stay private )

How long have you been with him? and, how much do you know his life ( as he knows yours )

To give you maybe a little encouragement here, I will tell you of my own mother and stepfather. There is 27+ yrs age difference ( him being the younger ) to put this into a frame, I am one of 5 siblings and he is (in age) younger than 4. They have been married for 20+yrs and I would have to say now, I have dreamed of finding a relationship as good.
So as for the age difference, I don’t see that as a natural problem. It all boils down to caricture and getting on with others. If he is an openly honest man and you are his ballence, then what is the problem caused for you?

Is it you would rather share your mother and issues more with your siblings? Do you feel a burden?

That’s interesting. You have made what I see as two separate issues into one.
maybe you could do yourself a big favor and break it all down.
How old is your boyfriend and what was the age differences between your parents, also, between your siblings?
With your mother;
She will be in a hyper-sensitive state, towards any inclination, of what she now perceives as negative behavior. She will be more likely to point out a possible mistake over letting you just make your own.
Also if there are money issues involved, it can be easier to tackle them as a business.
IE… you wouldn’t intentionally run your business broke?

You seem to be determined to discount the possibilities that others advice may be offering you…

I do understand all to well the depth of the hole we can feel around ourselves and the reluctance to see the possibilities available. As I myself had spent many years in a similar situation.

If you re-read my last reply to you, at no time was there any inclination that you should just “get over it” nor that your issues are any less important than any others.

As you are not a fan of “taking medical drugs” the natural health products I have suggested for you to find out about are only to help re-balance your system (a step in the right direction, not a cure all).

I can only speak from personal experience and that of others whom I have worked with and studied. This has given me an understanding that anything is possible in this life. I will admit to not believing it until well into my own recovery and the further studies I then completed.

It was so very much worth it, at this age/time of my life I can appreciate my journey/life-path. And most of all, I choose to see the good in each and every day.

To end it all: That was one option I contemplated on a lot more than just the emotional issues I felt, also the inability to physically look after myself. (I do realize these are different circumstances and worlds apart) To give you and all who are reading these words of mine a more complete picture, I had broken my back in 5 places and have 7 ruptured disks. This accident happened 30 yrs ago and was “never” picked up by the doctors/hospitals over here. I was 15 yrs old. I have spent the better part of my life on a wide range of drugs, treated for mental health issues (it was all in my head) and had 2 failed marriages. To many jobs to count and times on welfare. It was only near the end of last year when I was in a position to pay for an MRI myself (having been refused one medically for many years) that I found out I wasn’t nuts and believe me did I get angry (then numb). As I know you can appreciate, the feeling that I was crazy became (over the years) my base line. All thinking and emotional reactions to events was therefor based on a “wrong thinking concept”. (an interesting point) A hell of a lot of “friends & family” got simply sick and tired of it/me over the years, leaving me feeling very alone/worthless at times. The most interesting point was when they all saw the “FACTUAL TRUTH” for themselves, it was lots of sorry and what are you going to do about it. Then they pretty much all drifted away to a point of very little contact now. And do you know what, that’s all okay with me. I know the truth, my truth (even including my own worst bits) and I’m no longer afraid of the future.
Just like you have (no matter how ****** it got or how bad it may appear future wise) I survived!! And, I finally got it…. the one big message that I had been missing all those years. ((((My life can/will be whatever I choose to make it))))
My first mission to myself was to get 100% self honesty going, and check out what i was believing in. And guess what, I now have a Lady in my life who 100% gets it all/me. Now that sort of makes all I have been through worth the journey. There is always another chapter beginning, a choice of direction you can take.
I think a good first one to make is…. get you body balanced, which will help your head/mind balance itself out.
Have a read on two products (totally healthy and natural) Omega3 & CAA. The information can be found at the website healthhouse.co.nz
In fact the owner there is so worth asking questions of…
So please have a look at these products and how they will help you, and do let me know what you find out…
Till I hear back from you, take care and always remember this…. We are never as alone as we imagine we are.

your heading says it all. Not the “he left me part” but the “after having 8 affairs”

I would like to know a little more please..
Over what time frame these affairs had occurred?
How you had reconciled these events in the past?
How are the relationships with your boys?
Do you have close “other friends/family” support?

First thing I will say is this…

You have obviously survived throughout the years of marriage, as you now still survive. I realize ( as I’m sure you do also ) survival is a matter of perception. As you have been in “Therapy” for such a long time frame, I am a little concerned at the direction you have (past/present/future) decided to take.
If you are not already taking (nor have any medical reason not to take) Omega3, I do strongly suggest you begin immediately a high dose daily intake. One, you cannot overdose your body on Omega3 (no Omega6). Two, this will increase the serotonin uptake helping your mood stabilization as well as many other health benefits.

I myself (when coming through depression) was taking 3000mg 3x per day. I used this as a base for my withdrawal from the mood stabilization/anti-depression drugs due to long term prescribed medication addiction. During this time period of my own life, I lost myself/family/possessions and my faith in life.
I strongly urge you to take some control back over your own destiny as this will have more of a positive effect on your road to recovery.

As said in the above replies to you, you must keep talking/writing (actually writing a daily diary just on how you feel, keep it to short entry’s. I used simple note books, ruling off under each one). If you have been with the same therapist for all this time I do believe you may need to find another perspective on your issues. My recommendation is to do a little research into who and what the therapist stands for, ie: their base beliefs. I also would recommend trying Hypnosis as a course of self action. A well trained Hypnotherapist can be found via the “NGH” website (national guild of hypnotherapists usa).

And please do come back with your comments/feelings on what I have written here.

Take heart there are many people in this world who have survived similar events and will be able to share and offer good advice to you.

get hold of a good women doctor who has an understanding of these matters and begin there.. it can be the result of many different variables and guessing is no answer. This in itself will cause more anxiety (performance based) compounding the problem.
Good luck and remember to keep the communication open and honest.

Why do we have to have all our “friends” liking each other? I do like my eclectic group of friends. They do not all like each other. The do how ever treat me honestly (even if i do not like the advice etc..), in the end it is our choice of what we will put up with in our own lives..

May I ask how long ago you finished with the ex?

And most of all if you are feeling guilty with bringing another woman into “your” bed and space. two fold — Don,t you think it would put a strain on things and the “new” woman would maybe just feel like the-bit-on-the-side?

I have, and have survived serious spinal injury (including two breaks in my neck). The pinched nerves can send pain and loss of use to all sorts of odd places. The first thing is to have an MRI, then if there isn’t an opperation he can have, the best Ostiopath available is a good starting point.

As for the pain he is feeling (which is horrible), do you find his behavior has changed towards you in anyway, (short temper, not wanting noise, sad and crying from time to time)? If so, I know it can feel bad when there is nothing you can do to stop his pain. The best thing you can do is to let him talk about it when he wants to and when he doesn’t, talk about anything else. This can help him focus away from his pain and problem.
I know from when I am in a severe bout, my temper is a bit quick sometimes. And, I do tend to withdraw from everyone a bit. I am not mad at anyone, just at how I feel and what I cannot now do.
I hope I have been a little help for you. Keep your chin up.

can you please put some light on the reason he has for saying this to you.

Also when (at our time of life) “we” begin a new relationship, unless you can find someone who has simply appeared fully grown and matured :-) There needs to be a change of terms used by all. The term “baggage” has such a negative spin, that it is is doing damage before the facts are known. Anyone who is looking for a “NO BAGGAGE” relationship, should stay single (it’s a **** sight easier than setting ones life up for a fall).

The guy who runs health house is fantastic to ask questions of. Anytime you want to chat you are welcome.

Hi to you, and keep on going it will get better.
On this matter I can speak from my own experience. Having being on Morph for over 10yrs, as prescribed for pain. (I had crushed my spine and the only treatment I was ever given, were drugs of many kinds) To qualify this a little better, “Thirty years” of medication. I do believe the depression was the worst of the side effects (in hindsight) although my body had altered to live with the drug dependency.
I did end up working out a re-balance program for my mind and therefore my emotional state.
- Keep a running diary (very brief daily notes) as i weened myself off the drugs.
- High dose “OMEGA 3″ 6thousand mg of the essential fatty acids, daily (for 6 months) then down to 3 thou per day (for 2 years) This will work for your emotional self as well as the other benefits. (NO omega 6)
- A product called “CAA” which is obtainable in NZ and Austrailia (worth having a look at the website healthhouse.co.nz> and a good read) this helped my body to re-balance.
- The main issue I experienced was re-learning how and what my emotions were. For no apparent reason I would have rushes of feeling ( totally floor me at the time )
- This is where the note books I had filled up would come in so very valuable,
**Do remember to keep every entry to a simple fact**. I would only read what i had written after some months, giving me a bench mark of how far I had come. Proving to myself that this was working.
- Make a solid commitment to self with a set date time frame (I used a date one year ahead)
- Do not judge yourself on success or failure as there is only “your” balance (at this time you’re thinking will work against making a fair and honest self-assessment).

*** - Now this is the important bit. You need to have a doctor who knows what you are doing and your reasons for doing so. this for me (when i found one who agreed with what my choices were) was the key to success. And it was not my doctor.

PUT INTO YOUR MIND A MARKER THAT YOU WILL NEVER GO BACK TO, and start going towards a healthy mind and life :-)

There is a simple saying that has all the meaning you will need on this, that is if you are willing to take action. Or are you now just where you do want to be?

“Start as you mean to carry on”

you are welcome hun :-) good days ahead.