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• I fight with the idea of ending my life at least twice a day. posted (1 year, 3 months) ago
  Times have been particularly tough, since I left my hometown to try and make a new start with my th…

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• I fight with the idea of ending my life at least twice a day.
  

  Thank you for your post. Thank you, everyone. I can’t figure out a way to give a “thumbnail view” of my life, so… I just don’t know.
  
  My husband refuses counseling, says that I’m the one who needs it, not him. When I ask if we can talk, he says that I’m always talking, and that he’s tired of listening. We have very limited physical intimacy (I’m not only talking about the obvious), and, some nights, he says our bed is making his back hurt, so he sleeps in the living room. I have to ask him for physical intimacy EVERY time, and usually am told to wait for the next day, because he’s tired.
  
  At work, it seems like the vast majority of my colleagues think I’m a little cooky, so they don’t all rally talk to me that much. I feel like I babble around everyone, trying to find the right words to show that I’m in some way worthy of people caring. It’s not because I’m a ham or something, I just always feel like life is a big glass bubble, and I’m on the outside looking in.
  
  90% of ALL of my phone conversations end because the other person is ready to go (this is regardless of the length of the conversation, 30 seconds or 30 minutes). I can’t get any job interviews, because I didn’t complete college. I can’t immediately go back to school, because I can’t afford it. I left college because I was depressed, and tried to take care of myself. Now I’m invisible to the professional world, because not having finished college looks “irresponsible” to some. Almost none of my friends from back home ever call or write me, and I can’t usually find them when I try.
  
  It feels like this world would honestly be better off without me. I just take up a lot of space and air. I want so badly to feel loved and appreciated, but all I can ever see is what I do wrong, or what I have to change. Then I change, and then I get judged for not being mysele. It never stops.
  
  I think I’m really giving up this time.
  - written 1 year, 3 months ago

• I fight with the idea of ending my life at least twice a day.
  

  My husband is always angry at me, it seems. I’m not always the easiest person to live with, I know that, but he seems to realy resent me. Once I left my full-time job, he said that he would have done the same thing, that he was proud of me, and that he would support me. For 1 1/2 months, I’ve only been able to cover a portion of the overall house bills, because I’ve been trying to not lose my car, too. If I lose that, I lose about 90% of my job possibilities.
  
  He was okay at first. Then he was tense. Now, if I get upset about anything, he automatically brings up that I’m not paying anything (not true, because I am contributing, but it’s not the 65%+ that I used to). He tells me that I don’t do anything in the house, that all I do is bother him. When he gets angry, he yells. If I get angry, he yells. If I yell back, he screams.
  
  I held in my thoughts of suicide for a long time. I finally opened up to him the other night, and he blinked, looked at me, and stayed where he was (laying down, I was standing up). Not once did he say anything about my life being worth anything, or loving me, or not wanting me to be sad. He got angry at me, and said–only after I almost flipped my wig that I trusted him with something so huge, and he layed down– that I have my health, and other things, and he can’t even believe I would think that. So, it’s my fault that I’m sad.
  
  He’s my only family in Georgia. I know he’s stressed about money, but I have outright FULLY supported him before, and he seems to forget it.
  
  I drive my car, imagining swerving full-speed into a wall. My fear is sometimes ONLY that I’ll survive, and have to handle medical bills, too.
  
  Please don’t be angry at me, anybody. I’m not being dramatic. I am so sad, I don’t know what to do. I feel like everywhere I go, people are laughing at me. I’ll never find a job. I have debt that’s rising, a bank account that’s shrinking, and there’s nothing I can do. I’ve been depressed many other times in my life, starting from when I was a little girl, but the feeling that I don’t deserve anything but tears never goes away. I don’t know what to do.
  - written 1 year, 3 months ago

• I fight with the idea of ending my life at least twice a day.
  

  Thank you, everyone, for writing.
  
  Just an indication of my stress level: After I wrote earlier, I had to lay down for a little while, because I kept imagining what I could use from my house to kill myself. I ignored phone calls from both of my parents while sleeping, because I don’t want to worry anyone. I logged back in, and the firt message I see is a “reciprocity” message, that says I haven’t helped anyone, but I’ve asked for help.
  
  How did I get that wrong, too?
  - written 1 year, 3 months ago

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