fitzgerald's profile at Help.com

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fitzgerald's Top (4) Replies by other users' votes

• (1 vote) I grew up in an abusive household.
  

  tankgirl was right about babysteps.
  
  I have two children, and it helped me to realize that in “public” - like at my kids school and other activities - all the parents are acting. That is, society has determined a role for Mom and Dad, and we gain approval when we play our part. This means showing up, making polite chit-chat, taking our turn to bring treats (or whatever), and basically just doing what everyone else does. To look for friends or understanding in these semi-formal situations is unrealistic. It took me a couple years to realize that those who are friends in these groups often grew up together, go to the same church/club, or are neighbors.
  
  Those of us who come from dysfunctional homes did not learn the social cues and interactions that most people view as “normal.” We, therefore, often come across as odd and feel horribly out-of-sync. This is where a good counsellor helps. As does practice. For several years, before I went to a parents’ activity, I would practice (by myself) light conversation. You know, things like, “which child is yours?” “Oh, yes, that’s my boy. He’s in Mrs. —’s class.” “Do you live near the school?” Clearly, you’re a smart person, if you think about it, you know the routine.
  
  It sounds like you feel very raw, as if everyone can see right into your soul. Believe me, most people are much too self-absorbed to bother analyzing someone else. But if you feel like you need a suit of armour, create one. People only see what you allow them to see. If you dress like others, say the same things they say, act as they do - they see someone just like themselves. No one really expects anything else from you at school or the supermarket.
  
  Once you manage these small social rituals, you gain confidence. And eventually there will be someone - one person at a time - with whom you can be more open. But if you pour everything out at once, if you lay your fears and life history on someone else, of course they will back away. Friends need to keep things even and for quite a while, light. Save the heavy stuff for your therapist and support group.
  
  It is not hopeless, but does require brutal self-inspection and change. This is part of loving someone else more than one’s self. “I love you not for what you are, but for what you are making of me. . .”
  
  - written 4 years, 7 months ago – voted for by Piadora

• (1 vote) My friend is really upset about college
  

  The cream rises to the top, no matter what container it’s in. In others words, if your friend is bright, talented, and works hard, she’ll be all right.
  
  If you spend all your time longing to be somewhere else, you won’t be successful where you are.
  
  Life is a journey - not a destination.
  
  - written 4 years, 8 months ago – voted for by Chrispy_Loco

• (1 vote) They say you shouldn’t go out looking for love
  

  In a loving relationship you look for what you can give/do for the other person. And then you receive happiness.
  
  Too many people look for something in the other person that they lack in themselves. So it is not about giving, but about taking. She’s beautiful - it increases my status and self-esteem to be with her. He’s rich - he can buy me a lot of stuff. He (or she) is so popular - I’ll have lots of friends and go to all the great parties if I’m with him (or her).
  
  How surprising is it that those needy relationships don’t last?
  
  When people say you have to love yourself first, it doesn’t mean you have to be up and think you’re great all the time. It means you have to value your abilities and nurture your spirit, look for what you can give to others - most of all to a “partner,” who matches you in generosity, kindness, and a willingness to be open to all the highs and lows that are part of life.
  
  - written 4 years, 8 months ago – voted for by jacketlove

• (1 vote) My husband doesn’t want our son.
  

  A friend once said to me, “People tell me what a great father I am, and sometimes I wonder whether I really am a good Dad or am I doing it so others will think I’m a great father. Then I decided if I’m doing the right thing, what does it matter?”
  
  Part of being an adult is setting aside OUR FEELINGS and doing the right thing. If your husband is not willing to do this (hold, feed, change and nurture the baby whether he FEELS it or not) then he has not grown up. Clearly he has not accepted his responsiblities and obligation to be a good father. Nor has he ever accepted his responsibility to be a nurturing, loving and supportive husband.
  
  Counselling may or may not help. It’s certainly worth a try. In the final analysis, however, unless your husband honestly believes that you and your son matter more than anything else in his life, you are trying to hold the wind. Have you asked your husband whether he wants you AND your son in or out of his life? And if he doesn’t want both of you, why would you want to stay?
  
  - written 4 years, 8 months ago – voted for by Starred

Last 5 Replies – All 48 replies »

• I want to stay with my husband and I don’t think he does.
  

  I don’t agree with the implication that it’s the wife’s fault. And the evansent post sounds like some type of (phony)come-on. Be careful.
  
  As told, the man has a real live woman who loves him and is there - in his house and in his bed. He’d rather spend his time on-line lying to women. He has to recognize that his behavior is not healthy and want to change in order for this marriage to work.
  - written 4 years, 5 months ago

• I hate living at home!
  

  If you’re 22 and at university, it can’t be that much longer until you graduate. Then find a job, save your money and move out. No doubt you’ll have to find a place with roommates. Until then, you don’t have to be home that much - there are plenty of places to hang out on campus and if you have a part-time job, you only need to be home to sleep.
  - written 4 years, 5 months ago

• I want to stay with my husband and I don’t think he does.
  

  Oh, you posted while I was asking. No wonder your husband is distant. He is having “on-line affairs.” If he does not want to get help to end this behavior, there is probably not much hope for your marriage.
  - written 4 years, 5 months ago

• I want to stay with my husband and I don’t think he does.
  

  Not enough information to offer an opinion. If you want helpful advice, you’ll need to briefly explain why one/both of you would end your marriage.
  - written 4 years, 5 months ago

• trying to figure out what to do, or a how to get help,
  

  You are being abusive. You either forgive and forget, or you end the relationship. You don’t keep the gf around so you can treat her like scum whenever you need to make yourself feel better. If the situation were reversed, what would you think of being treated in the manner you describe? You use your girlfriend’s cheating to justify this ugliness in yourself and then expect your friends and us to give you a pass. Why don’t you just man-up and admit you’re being a jerk? So you can reduce the gf to tears and make her grovel. This is love? If I saw a person abusing a dog in the manner you describe I’d call the police, yet you do this to a human being? You have a lot of bad karma coming your way.
  - written 4 years, 5 months ago

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