candp's reply history at Help.com

If you are in the States you can visit your local Board of Health. I believe you can be tested confidentially, for free.

Kidney infection or kidney stone. Do you have a fever?

Once you realize that your life experiences are a product of the decisions you are making, you are then free to eliminate any choices that have produced negative effects. Actually, it is as easy, or hard as we choose to make it. Carol

Red, If you had a best friend that you loved very much, and they were telling you they were making the decisions you have been making, what would you tell them?
Carol

Make a decision right now to cease holding yourself hostage. Can you do that for yourself right now? Carol

What I sense you are choosing to do right now is cling to your personal pain. Why do we humans do this? Because it becomes a friend to us, a place we recognize. Do you really think you can change your life into a positive experience by dragging personal pain into every new moment? Carol

Red, Picture yourself as an entirely NEW person that has taken back their person power from all others, and is prepared to reassess their whole existence. Picturing this should immediately help you feel powerful and invigorated. Does it? Carol

Hi Thep, We take your comment as a wonderful compliment. Thank You for your kind words. We think very highly of you and your wisdom also. Carol and Paul

Red, that is all you have to do in this moment is make a decision to place you back in charge and get the drunk out of control. Would you like to try and see what happens? We are all here with you right now to walk you through it. You are NOT alone. Carol

The best path for you to walk down right now is one that would lead you to realize that you are in charge of creating a happy, peaceful life for YOU, no one else. You are the only person that is going to experience every moment of your lifetime. You are the only person you must be able to depend on throughout. No matter how fiercely we resist this fact in life, it remains true. If you can understand this then that is all you would have to do to change the circumstances of your life in an instant, IS CHANGE YOUR MIND. Carol

Have you considered that you may be feeling this way right now because the decisions you are making in your behalf are not very beneficial to you. Your situation seems so overwhelming to you that you speak of ending your life, when all that may be necessary is to explore some different options. Do you see this as possible? Carol

Hi Red, would you like to talk about this? Carol

Well it looks like you have signed off for now. It is getting late where I am so I will also. I’ll check my notices tomorrow to see if you have posted anything else. Whenever you need to talk, you know where to find me. You can ask me anything you want if you think it will help you eventually gain a broader perspective.

One more thing I’d like to share with you is that your anger probably reached a level where you sensed it was consuming you and that is when you shut down emotionally so you would not become like him. You can use your intellect and wisdom to get you through any challenge life presents to you. You do not have to hang on to that overwhelming anger your father beat into your psyche any longer. You are now in charge of YOU, not your father.

Have a good night sleep and please keep safe. Carol

Never forget this saying. “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change.” That is a very empowering wisdom to have in your grasp.

Remember when I explained that children do not have the capacity to discern what is really going on completely, in a given situation. For instance, your abusive father attacks you or one of your siblings, maybe even screaming obscenities and accusing the child of all kinds of things with each blow.

Most children will automatically believe what the parent is saying as truth. In fact, NOTHING could be further from the truth in reality. It is like a double edged sword for the child. They are afraid for life and well being, and at the same time hating themselves for being the cause of everything and harboring more and more repressed anger from the attack, that they cannot process.

Imagine all the names you called your dad in your mind during the attacks. They came out of your anger. At the time you believed your dad to actually be all those names your mind came up with. In fact, he is merely a pathetic lost soul that is imprisoned in his own immaturity. You, on the other hand, are none of the things he may have called, and you definitely were not responsible for his immaturity, nor his choices in behavior. Is he looking any different to you yet? Are you looking any different to you yet?

Carol

You sound so intelligent to me. You see things most kids can’t see yet, let alone be able to analyze. One thing I hoped to touch on with you was to take all the life lessons you can out of this experience and NEVER become what you hate. I trust you will be a very loving, nurturing parent when the time comes.

In the meantime, relieving yourself of all this pent up anger will be most beneficial to you living a happy life. You need to learn to let it go because by doing so willingly, you let yourself out of the mental prison your father forced you into. Take back your power to be the YOU you know you can be. The vehicle to achieving this is through understanding.

Are you feeling any relief yet?

Carol