cari's shoutbox - Help.com

nope…

same old broken same old.

hehe you already know the answer silly :P

looks like never, the admin is gone and never answers shouts or comes around apparently, but people are gettin together contacting him though, so only time will tell…

who are you?

Siiiiike!

hey hows life?

Im pretty good sorry I missed your shout and yeah its still not working :(

Cari’s on!

Now help help help! Get to work! lol jk

How have you been?

Yay! Get on the computer more!!!

Cari!!??!!??

Are you still alive?

lol Well I’m coming and going. I’m at work. :(

How are you girly?

Hey Cari. Im going to be taking a break away from help.com. Hope everything goes good.

So stuck somewhere in the middle? Not the most exciting huh? lol.

It was quite cool though because they shaped the lines into the shape of a tree too lol. Of course is thinking yourself to be one of the good apples a bit..bit of an ego? lol

Yeah it makes sense and in a way, I guess its easier to tell a stranger things then someone close because..well its less complicated? In a way, like a neutral party etc. Sometimes with me, if I find that I really want to reach out for someone..its with someone either new or who I have not talked to for ages. Plus in some ways, I think friends tend to take some things personally too and its nice to get a fresh perspective too. Plus as you said, you get to rant too :). Ranting is good! Like random fights? Hopefully they wont be about predictable things :P that would be quite annoying hehe. I have seen quite a few people though who are just..yes men really. As in if you endlessly praise someone and do everything they want, they would want to be with you…but hoenstly, I could never imagine wanting that. Sure you dont want to be with someone who tries to put you down, but as you said..fight :) lol

I guess, but it does not make things easy. If I could just pretend to be someone else, to do things just to make them easier on everyone else…but argh, they conflict! Its annoying though because I seem to know what I should do and as soon as I see it, my emotions flip and refuse to let me do it lol.

alright I think im too tired now lol. Shows im getting older now lol, after two nights of only five hours sleep im struggling lol. Crazy drawings :) now those sound fun. And I dont because..Im no good at anything like that at all lol. Its just that I want to get a message across and I know if I did it in paragraphs, I would just lose the point and instead of getting something small and powerful..it would be long winded and rubbish lol. Quality over quantity? So I tried to do it in lines, only a few words long that could either stand by themselves or be linked to maybe one more. Even though its more restrictive, it actually feels like you have more freedom because..well Im not quite sure. I guess it lets you get away with more. Instead of trying to make a perfect sentence or paragraph, you can create imagery even if its not perfect english..

Plus say if you showed anything your work and wanted them to like it, would it only be fair that you liked it too though? If you thought it was rubbish, what does that say about your opinion on the people you want to like it? You can be your worst critic, but also a good one? But thinking about it…I guess the most important thing is that you do it because you enjoy it, not the end result….Im not good with that :)

Oooo we have an audience :D. We have to put on a good show! Next time it rains we are soo dancing in it, just to et soaked and laugh.

Hmmmm. A year? Month? Maybe a week :). However long it takes for you to forget or lose your patience hehe. ok im yawning now, goodbye Cari :) Hope you have a good week.

Hiya :)
And hey thats ok, I think it took my ages too. Ive not been at my best, which is why I took so long because was never in a good enough mood to write something worth reading lol, if that makes any sense? At least its not the worst but, is everything ok?

I guess its always a case of the grass is greener on the other side…In the end I guess you just have to hope that you can let yourself open up when you find the right person. It reminds me of a thing I read online about the good girls being the apples at the top of a tree whilst the bad are at the bottom. Most boys are too scared to put the effort in to reach the good girls so just end up finding the bad ones but the one who does go all the way would be so special..the others would not be worth it.

I think for me, It seems like im open but im not. Almost everyone who knows me..never really knows me. Sure I can tell problems to most people and like I do here, show so much. But for me, its almost like a self defence mechanism lol. It can keep people from seeing the personal you because if they dont like the person they see, at least you could blame it on them not knowing you and claim to yourself that..if only they knew, it would be different. I think you will find someone, but I think as I said earlier, you need someone special :). Someone who is willing to explore life with you and just does not expect everything to be handed to them on a plate. Im sure I heard somewhere that good couples are meant to know everything about each other…but does that not take out some of the mystery? Sure you need to know the person, but I think its important that after spending so long with them…there is some aura about them that makes you dream about the future. As in they still surprise you and still keep things fresh. All too easy to fall into routine lol. But its horrible because for me, it feels like to get anywhere you need to let go. But to do that brings on all the worries of it not happening (which shows that you have not really let go lol).

But then, I guess one of the worst feelings is to feel alone. To not have someone who can see the deeper you..even if just a friend. Its not something you can force someone to do though. I found that when I tried to show it, tried to make them react..it just left me feeling disappointed and empty. But then sometimes I wonder whether I just have false expectations about me and life. Heh, Im sure this was not meant to go that negative before I started..

Now that is quote worthy :) and it makes sense hehe. I could imagine if anyone was the type of person who could just move on so easily after a breakup..then, could they really feel love? I’m, well right now im avoiding them lol. It took a week but I got a message from them online and I want to reply..but I cant. I just dont know how to act. I want to be the strong person say everything is perfect and act how I want without worrying about him. But then I feel that, whilst even with the way things happened, they still do not deserve that. That I would not want to make things hard for him. Then there is the thing that, I hate myself for it. I dont want to hide how I feel and what I am going through right now. About what is happening in my life, with my friends, things I would of opened up to them before and for some reason, even now, I have never been able to just pretend to be happy around him. It sounds stupid but it annoys me because..cant I just do something for someone else without my own emotions screwing it up…

I used to have a friend who said something very similar. He always said that he helped out everyone and was always there but when he needed it, no one was. But, people were and I was. I watched and would see him talk to almost anyone that would listen about his problems with his bf etc. Whilst im not saying your like that, I think it can be to overlook someone who could be there for you. But even if there isnt, theres always me :) lol. I know its not the same and I never have anything good to say, sometimes its nice to just rant (long shout? :P)

So do you often show what you draw to others?

Why not delete it when it sucks? lol. Ive tried to write a few things lately, made a small file of it..but none of it is positive lol. Plus all of it is..self centered? lol Wish I could write poems or songs etc because that kind of thing would be perfect for them.

Even? lol you should see this one then! If you ever just feel like throwing a hi back and not some long (but nice to read) shout then thats fine :). I wonder how many other people read this lol.

I would want to say that its open minded, but that does not fit properly but I guess its close, I need more time! *grins* lol.

Whoa! You should write a book. :) lol

lol I like it, it’s funny.

LOL I NOTICED!!! where did you go?? who did you see?? was it fun?? (lol 20 questions)

im good u?

Cari! Someone hacked your account and put a picture of a man up!

Cari, I don’t understand why you have a mustache now….

How’s it been goin’ Cari?

hopefuly ill be able to fight. but the doctors wwnt be sure until after the surgery. lol i love fighting tho so i will hav to be in lots of pain to not fight

hey cari! Have not spoke for a while. how is everything with you!

Wonder if you missed the excessively large shouts? Well even if you didnt, heres another one! :D

Yeah! Thats what you get for a little bit of snow lol…I miss snow

That is easier said then done though. Everything always seems to be a game and I would like to think how easier things would be if we could all just be natural. I always feel into the trap of keeping all of my hidden whilst trying to be how others wanted, no matter who they were. In some ways I think its just easier to play the victim card and that is something I tend to do too much but..the thought of standing up and fighting. its scary I guess. It shows me everything I dont have, everything I am not..its easier to deal with the feeling over being alone and not really relating to anyone if you dont put yourself into positions where you have to interact with people (and end up feeling so empty afterwrds). Its like I speak a slightly different language to everyone else, even myself. Are there people you could say your really close to? Do you ever get back after being with friends and sit there in the dark letting out a sigh because it feels like something big is missing..

I wonder though why I would want to show him how it made me feel..I mean, wouldent it be better to show im better then that. That I was strong and moved on, made myself into a better person? But its hard because I felt so close and miss so many things but if my dream last night was a sign of anything..I still cant let go yet

I guess they think you are always ok? Always happy and never really have anything wrong? Is there anyone you can talk to then? Its funny (in a non funny way) but you usually find the people who are quiet about things like that, the people who slip though the cracks are the people who need help the most. the people who always show everything and always make a big fuss about things…could you say that there really is nothing that wrong or bad but that is just how their personality as..their way of getting attention (I used to have a friend who did this alllllllll the time! ugh)

Yeah! I keep forgetting to call them analogies and always want to call them a simalie (of which i can not spell, joy) so have to think really hard to convince myself im wrong lol. Do you draw regularly at all? How do you ever get your inspiration!

Maybe they were in the other shed..But I hear a lot of sheds have been broken into these days..you never know, a burglar could have many uses for hedge cutters! Like cutting your hedges as their way for making up to breaking in in the first place! :)

I actually could not make this reply for a while and even now I had to cheat! its weird but what I can say is usually based of my emotions at the time and I guess im in my phase of every thing I say I think is complete rubbish so I end up deleting it! its horrible when that happens because I usually get the craving to create something but never can because the second i start..I delete it! lol

Ranting is good though! And im pretty sure I do it about myself enough so its only fair…Plus I like to listen! Especially to someone like you, not quite sure how to explain it but…uh. argh i dont know! maybe Ill think of it soon lol, sorry!

haha thats cool. ya i was training for a fight and tore my lcl and mcl in my rite knee. ill get surgery in bout a week. its really sore rite now but i hav vicoden so itll be better in a bit. lol

haha yes but im bout to get off wrk and go home. but i cnt do nething there either cuz my stupid knee!!! lol how bout ur bordness?

(dorkiness is fun) lol

lol wel;l hello then cari. that is a very nice name. lol

hey wats up im brad

hey cari :) how are you today? and did you have a nice day? :)

I can use mine if you want!

Gritters..basically big vehicles that spread grit (basically salt) onto the road for grip and to melt the ice etc..Theres a big fascination over here to do that whenever the temperature drops a certain bit. There was a load of fuss because they used so much they actually ran out! lol
(failing so far lol)

That is the thing though, unless your willing to take that risk then is there any point at all? I just guess the hard thing is to know who and when and to have the strength to stand up for your heart if it does not go good. My problem was that, everything I shown, I could not even show to myself so I was relying on him to make me feel good about it so in effect when he turned it all back onto me, it hurt so much. You deserve someone special and its good to hear that you would never change who you are just to have someone. From where I stand, thats half the battle. Its ok though hon, you can tell me anything you want! I would listen until my ears fall off hehe.

I think I could move on and try to actually be me without relying on someone letting me be me (how weak does that sound!) but I wonder if I could ever forgive him? I dont think I ever really shown him how angry it made me. We only spoke online afterwards and I got close once after finding something out but left and been blocked ever since and I cant help but feel like Ive lost out, like he got the last laugh?

So, do you mind me asking, why do you actually want someone? So why don’t you show how you really feel? Is it just because they dont really seem to care or understand?

Ahh I hate grammar! I just have to try and channel what I feel into something physical then, had it last night but whenever I started to try, it just ran away from me. Like when you try to hold onto water, the tighter you hold the more you lose..

(must of lost the hedge cutters, if you want me to cut back just say! Im feeling paranoid lol)

well i am sorry cari. i really dont remember :(. your words, wooow. im hurt… were rather upsetting to read, as i caused you to say them. and so i am sorry.

thanks, for not taking to much offense though :). and im not in a hole? you pervert :P hehehe.

oooooooooooooooooooooh. wooops. yeah i must have. otherwise you wouldnt know im a fire starter? :P

and im sorry cari, i didnt mean to upset you by saying i dont remember. its just, i cant remember. okay this hole is pretty deep, and im only making it deeper *sigh*, but please, dont feel upset, or sad over that. its not because i dont enjoy your company :). for i love cari, and her charms :). words really arent going to get me out of this hole, for a while. but please dont feel sad now, over something stupid i said. :(

i do hope your alright cari. and i am, truly sorry.

hmmmm, well as long as you give other people your attention while gossiping for hours :P, then it doesnt really matter :) lol

i honestly dont know or remember if i gave you my email, or whether i have actually emailed you. but there it is anyway. like i said feel free to use me :P, as a shoulder to cry on if need be :). my email box wont mind haha.

and what can i say? you have a very squishy bum hehe. and now i dont ever want to let go of it :P lol hahaha.

hope your having a nice day :), you doing anything nice? :)

an emotional conversation? it looks like you could get lost in there. :P lol. and i think im right. it would be days. or at least, until the other falls asleep on the phone :P lol

and i thought you had my email? hmmmm, maybe not. sorry about that. i get confused sometimes :P. anyway, here it is :)

honeeeymonster @ yahoo.co.uk

you can cry anytime, anyplace :) your a nice exotic friend to have :P.

and im sorry. i got carried away hehe. it was there, all soft looking :P, so i just hhad to have a hand full lol. (and this sounds so terrible :P lol.)
although, you didnt complain one bit hehe :). in fact, you trapped my hand with yours! that must mean you like the soft touch hehehe lol

well your name suits, considering bleeding, just sent another essay :P lol. i really would love to witness you two on the phone together lol. it would probably last for days! i mean, how can you say so much to one another? surely you must have covered your entire life spans already :P haha.

and thanks :). although technically, i wont lie. i lost your email address :P haha. i guess as i never used it, yahoo deleted it :(. oh well, i guess we will just have to cry together on here :) lol :P.

and im sorry. did my pinch hurt? :(. i didnt mean it to, it was meant in a cheeky way hehe. and i have to say, you have a very cute bum hehe :)

All we need to do now is get down another half, and it may almost look like a normal shout! Now where did I leave my scissors..

No but, apparently it is their fault for not having enough gritters etc..As if, it is feasible to spend loads of money for a even that may or may not happen in around twenty years!

Honestly, I did plenty of that not long before it ended. In a way, yeah I learnt a few lessons. I fell into the trap that, my gut and heart knew what was happening but my mind was refusing to see it. It saw how what was happening, saw all the tiny little changes that can be so easily missed. All the signs were there and what did I do? I tried to hold on tighter, tried to reach out more..even tried to get what I used to. And the worst thing? I blamed myself, what had I done wrong, what could I of done to stop it etc..so silly. If he just told me, just let me in..would things be different? It was as if with every day passing he felt less for me, but thought he would string me along for the fun of it, whilst all the time, getting closer to someone else. Even had the nerve to say about my jealously and when I look at it now, I was right! Sorry about that, Ill stop now..I think I could go on about that foreverr lol. I guess I can see what you mean, I guess it all adds up in the end. The only thing is to not let it close you off. At first, the temptation to think I could never have anything again was so strong. To want to break off from the whole world, to close off my heart again…but I won’t.

But no matter how angry I get, like now, I always feel guilty and sad afterwards..When we first broke up he said that he would love to stay friends, that he did not want to lose me and we still spoke, even if really just online. But, I think I was still relying on him emotionally and now I have started to pull myself back up, its like we are suddenly conflicting now. I decided that Im not going to jump though any more hoops, to do what I should of done all the time. Which from the looks of it means we can not be friends. You said you were still friends with your ex? What is that like? Do you think its possible to be friends with an ex? Or would it depend on what happened/how things ended?

I can’t believe how much I just said about a guy..I never imagined myself doing that lol..very, weird. Alright, ill stop now hehe

I can try, I just need to find myself a muse hehe. There are things I hated but shown others and they all said it was good but..how could I ever know they were just saying that to be nice? (although one thing I can admit is that when I write things and stop trying to control it, my spelling and grammar goes way off)

At least tomorrow is a day closer to the weekend (and a day further away from the last one), but then, tomorrow never arrives anyway so whats the difference?

(looks like I broke the cutting in half and did the opposite lol)

Hey, I think we need a celebration for cutting the shouts in half! :D

So you never really get snow? That sucks, I would say the same here because we never really had snow for years and years which is why when it did snow, no one had a clue but everyone expected the government to deal with everything. Im surprised no one blamed the government for not scraping the snow off thier paths! How long ago was 4th grade?

At least it seems like you have a good perspective on it now. All firsts, they will always be special. Even if the guy you shared them with were not the best, at least nothing..bad happened, if you see what I mean? I had a first, I had all those firsts and I thought I was happy and it ended, I found that I never opened myself up to him, that we just seemed to be together and not..together. With the one I just broke up with, it was as if I woke up. As if I finally learned to breath, to see, to dream, to feel. Someone gives you life, makes you dream of the future, even makes you think of things that you never even dared about before. But then they rip it all away from you. Give you a heart to simply tear it back out of you. Giving you a taste of the stars before throwing you back down into the mud so you get to spend the rest of the time looking up though mud stained eyelids, watching the stars sparkle at each other. Oblivious to you. I gave so much of myself, I never made myself so vulnerable before. For once in my life, I was actually showing someone who I really was. All the good, all the bad. And then it ends like that and I feel so stupid. Everything we did, while I did it before, it felt like a first. As if the person before was someone else, someone who was not me. Now I sit here, thinking about these dreams, feeling myself start to pull everything back. Feeling like I am wrapping myself back up in the darkness. The things I saw that I wanted, I could never see myself getting and it repulses me to find myself just sitting here.

Asked me to do something? I’m not actually sure! I’ve not done anything for a few months now and even then..it was ughish lol

Tomorrow is always a new day, a new day but for a older life..

Snow? We never really ever get snow and when it does..the whole country just shut down! It was not really that deep but it was on the news allll the time and all the schools shut (even though it was perfectly fine to walk though it). But Ill stop before I get carried away again hehe.

Its not that it makes me uncomfortable but, well I’m still trying to get over it. It feels like I have just gone though the feeling really down over it and now it just makes me angry which kind of blocks of most of the things in my mind lol. Fun huh? Uhh..

I would love to do something like that, but I know someone would need to drag me along! I get so scared and always try my best to get out of it, even if when I am on it its so fun! Sounds like your scared your mum though, how was she afterwards?

I like them! Small pictures but I really like them hehe
Maybe I guess, but when you usually hate it yourself, how could you show anyone else? heh

Hey thats good! Busy day at all? At least it keeps your butt happy hehe :P

well yours is a very nice name :) so i guess we can have tat as your name :)

and of course you can always talk to me about anything :). you are a great friend to have met. and talking to you, whether good bad or in different is always nice :)
you have my email address anyway. so if times are to tough, then just drop me line there :)

and it so would not be funny. i guess it would only be funny, if i was sitting on the couch next to you :) hehehe, and you pinched my bum, to check its softness :P. lol

your name for the book is nice. but its not as funny as mine. secret confessions is such an alluring name :P lol

and i dont want you to have one either :) if you are, then just shout me, and i’ll be there for you :)

i cant believe you like embarrassing me though :(. thats going to make me all shy, looking like a tomato head :(. miss cari isnt nice :(

and there in no fun in work hard play hard. i say, lets just play, and work around that :P. more fun lol.

and your day sounds rather nice :) the couch sounds nice as well :). i hope your butt, is nice and soft, and you are very comfortable :) hehehehe lol

hmmmm what would the book be called though? cari and bleeding secret confessions? :P lol haha.

thank you :). i didnt really think i helped you at all. but if i did, then great:) miss cari, is never crazy. and never forget who your talking to. im more of a freak, weird and unique lol, than most people combined. would add exotic, but it doesnt fit the conversation P. im glad it was just a bad day and nothing more. i dont want to see you upset or hurting. :)
and i cant believe im saying this. but stop embarrassing me miss cari :P saying im great, i truly am……. your making me blush hehe :) lol.

and today wasnt a to sad a day at all. what i meant by waiting for the ceiling to go off. is the paint i put on :P. had to paint this ceiling 3 times today. and you have to wait around for a couple of hours between coats. and there was other things i could have done, like the woodwork, or walls. but instead i played darts for about an hour lol :P. and then got on with other things.

and can i ask, how is your day? you doing anything nice? :)

you and bleeding arent going crazy, its insane :P. i mean, you could put a book together with your shouts :P lol.

and you have nothing apologise about. for sadly *sigh*, thats how i am as well. dont feel bad or upset, or even embarrassed about it! you were upset and sad, and although there was no way for me to cheer you up, i understand exactly how you feel.
you are a funky friend to have cari :), whos friendship is charming and nice. and if you ever want to talk, or say something, then i will always be a shoulder to cry on :)
not technically because this is virtual :P lol. but you know what i mean :)

as for me, my day has finsiehd. its now 5:53pm over here, and all i did was have work :P. it was alright though today, as i was left on my own. and even the customer went out. AND i found a dart board, in the next room from me hehe. so i played darts while i waited for the ceiling to dry hahahaha lol.

well thats nice to hear :) although its not me who is helping you. i mean you and bleeding are typing essays arent you? i looked down at bleeding eyes last post, and was like, dear lord, that is alot to take in :P. sadly i have a lazy mind, otherwise i probably would read it to amuse myself :P lol.

anyway hope all is well across the pond. and im sorry your the female me :(. the whole exotic side is nice hehe. but then feeling the way you did the other day, isnt nice to see. i hope your alright. and that you had a nice day :) or are going to :P

hey cari :) are you feeling any better today? :)

mmm panic buying. Its funny, when it snowed here everyone started panic buying, all the shelf’s were being emptied! Oh when people were worried that because of strikes, there would not be enough fuel so they all panicked bought petrol which made it run out..The queues were soooo long! I like your reference though! :)

Its alright, plus its nice to know I’m not the only one :). I would always want to listen, I like to listen! I was once told I was very good at it when I as younger, but then told I lost it when I hit around 15..heh. It is weird and does not make sense but I just think people have their priorities wrong when they are looking for someone. People always dream of having a person do all those romantic things with, yet go after the people who are least likely to give that. Its like, why is it always the people who seem to have the most to offer if you really take a close look at who they are, are the ones who get left out? Why is it that it seems that so many people are lonely, so many people are alone, yet no one can find each other? I’m not with anyone, actually not long broke up but thats a long rant lol and something I’m hiding from. I’ve never really been close to anyone, so much of me is actually cosed of. I always say a lot, but what I mean is hidden in my words..I can’t help it but its just so hard to be open to anyone. My friends never knew who I was and no one was ever interested and the few people who were, very quickly lost interest once they saw I was not like the other girls. It seems to be, if your not the type to go out and get drunk all the time, to dance away in clubs wearing almost nothing then your not worth anything. But I know with me, I always dreamed that if I ever met the right person, that with the way I am it could be so good..that people would just need to give me a chance. But, I know that I’m just deluding myself, which is what makes what happened hurt so much…sigh, sorry. What was your boyfriend like? I can’t believe he never even said you looked beautiful! It just seems like when people look at others, they are so superficial..

My cousin did it when he went to Australia and he loved it, if you ever get the chance you should so do it! I think I know what you are on about, I have never been on it but I have seen it..It looks so scary though! I get scared very easily even though it may be something I love to do (I am not bad with heights but I do get scared, yet I loved climbing/abseiling..even though it is so scary). For the few seconds you must of felt so free, so alive, with no worries, everything in perspective.. I’m jealous :) I could imagine times like that, all the little things in life which could seem so big are put into place, to show that there is more to life then what we see it as.

hehe, well I’m glad I could help :). I will admit I have a weird perfectionist side of me, combine it with procrastinating and just generally lazyness..it makes a weird combination! That is true I guess, I have read things where you have to almost guess what the author is trying to say because it gets too complicated. When I used to go to college, one of the lecturers showed us a report title which had so many words in it that really, meant nothing but made it look fancier. You had to read it quite a few times to know what it actually meant. I guess for me, I would just like to be able to express what I feel in my mind.
I would love to see the pictures! It does not matter if they are not the best thing in the world because, thats not what its about. Its the emotion and the soul in the work. The main thing is that you enjoyed it and from the sounds of it, you do :). Messy is good though :) Whenever I used to pain in school I would end up with it all over my hand which then lead to it being on my face, why is it whenever you have paint on your hands you just get that stupid twitch which will not go! lol. Remind me to never interrupt you then hehe
sigh, sorry, things are just getting to me today, I feel like I just want to shout at someone heh, so much I would of said but whenever I try..its just, ugh! I hope your day is going good anyway!

About the buying local thing? I just imagine, almost all of our stuff is imported in. There are a few things (like on tv) that go around saying, buy local! Yet, if all the imports stopped and we did, could the local system actually support all those people? (does that make anymore sense? lol)
It would be interesting to see what happens though but, well its impossible to imagine. It would not be like how it was in the past because too many things are different, too many people and too much stuck in the ways of how things used to be. Much easier to adapt if you grow up with it instead of change being thrown on top of you..

That makes sense though. Plus I know what you mean about being around people who have partners. I had the same thing with my friend. He went though about two main boyfriends and quite a few..whatever they were to him but he constantly and constantly complained about it and always wanted more. The thing is though, when you have someone, you take it for granted. You do not notice even the same things. Just being able to be in someones arms as you lay on the couch infront the fire as it burns away, sending dancing shadows across the room and your face. Walking hand in hand down the path as the sun rays penetrate though the trees and lights your paths as the autumn brown leaves fall around you. Huddling together as you wait in the cold but not caring about the cold because you have each other…heh, I get very jealous when watching couples. Why do they always come to you then? I guess that, you could see it from a neutral perspective? Its a shame you cant show them a glimpse of how you feel..
Not quite sure on this bit..”i dont kow if you have anyone..?” is that you questioning what I said about that or an question? hehe

afraid to move out of their comfort zone..very me! You would probably laugh at some of the things I am too scared to do! Roller coasters are fun! But only if I have someone to scream with hehe. So what are the scariest/best thrill things you have done? Would you jump out of an aeroplane?

Woo! I need to start on my book then :D. Once when I was going though a phase of feeling really down I ended up just writing everything I felt. I fell in love with a short story I made, it was only of someone walking though a field but all the different elements came into my mind when writing it. It basically concentrated on each small step, each bit of air that pushed against your skin, each foot forward, bring the leg forward and letting your feet sink into the cold damp grass/mud. I never had a point or preplanned it, it was always what was in my head but whenever I read it afterwards..I hated it so it did not take me long before I waved buh bye to them all. One problem is that I just do not know many words…English was never my strong point.
lol! So, how often do you paint/use chalk? What kind of things do you do? Do you ever show people? What is your favourite, paint or chalk or something else? (right now I am playing around with pastels and its quite fun..and messy). Sounds weird but it would be fun to see what you are like when you get mad over that but..is it a bad mad? hehe. I just like to be created, I like to use my hands, to see something grow infront of me..

What experiences? Well thats good, at least it gives you something to read if you get bored! I’m not sure how to say this properly, but at least what you say back is better! The friend I saw tonight..never really said anything except when I had to help them! But I hsouldent complain, at least they were a better friends then the others I had..

This is actually difficult to type because I have just come back from a small lake by the coast (its technically not a sea but a channel but Im never sure on what to actually call it!). Played around in the children’s playground and fell off the climbing thing..owie! But, there is just something so nice about being on the swings at 1am..Its so quiet, yet..too quiet. Yes there is almost a sea there, but, for one it was out and its not really a sea so it lacks the smell, it lacks the sound as the tide causes it to break upon the shore..even the lack of any birds or the rustle of branches in the wind.. There are two mini lighthouses (not really a house and more like a tower lol) and it was nice but…too many lights! Oh and climbing on rocks down to the shore at night when they are wet and slippery is a bad idea! lol…(owie lol)

hey cari get on aim sucka! lol kidding but seriously get on

Ok I am going to mess up the order and jump straight to the bottom :D

I look around me and everything in our lives is built around things like the car. I could not imagine how anything would be without it because it is second nature to us. I look around and most of the main shopping places our out of town. Would things actually work? I thought about it a few times before and wonder if we could actually sustain ourselves. Over here they are always encouraging you to buy local, but if everyone did, could they meet all the needs?

Is everything alright with you then? Ugh days are just, well ugh! So your jealous of people who are like that..but you know thats not you? Would it mean you would like to be that at all? Its weird how you can be jealous of something you dont even want to be but sometimes I think that is because you can still associate part of it with something you want..if that makes sense? So do you have anyone then?

hehe, get out of jail free card? Aww your dad sounds great! Not wanting to resemble, could be a few things? I could imagine it being scary because it makes you feel so much older and responsibility..scary lol. Plus if you don’t really like how your parents are..Quite a big family though, maybe you were the lucky one?

Would you say then, its easier to work up from nothing? As if, if you finally break and fit the bottom, you can see everything you want and feel the power that you hate what things are like so you must try to climb back up? Or even climb to somewhere else..
Oh, climbing is fun too :) hehe
True I guess, although you think your happy. Thats the thing, we never know because we are too scared to go into the unknown, too scared to lose what you have incase we dont get anything else?

*smiles* I can imagine it now, with the boat on the sea with the spit of the sea clashing against your face as you fight the waves. The joy with it is that its so unpredictable, with other things like roller-coaster, whilst scary, there is always that sense of control. In a way, you can use your mind to kind of take the thrill away. Yet when in the seas mercy..Its hard to predict, it demands your attention. So what kind of things would you do for thrills?
The campground I went to was near a river so you could hear that trickle away in the background but nothing like a sea. Could you smell it at the site?

Thanks though, I kind of can get a bit lost when talking about certain things and usually find myself having to stop myself (at least in fear of just repeating myself..alot lol). I have tried writing, but none of it was very good lol. I always wanted to be able to be creative. To have a way with words, describe things and emotions that I see in my mind so they flow out your mouth like a river, free and natural yet there is none. I would like to be able to draw and paint the images I picture yet nothing goes onto paper. Its annoying lol (I get a bit sulky hehe)

I know what you mean, No lights, just you and the land with the wind blowing though the trees..Just watch out for the wildlife :P Its hard when looking though because so many try to do the same things, as if there are written rules to create something that looks good yet they end up with no soul..
Yeah, I like to babble on too much lol.

Should of, would of, could of, what if..They are such a joy. Sorry in advance if this seems a bit..moody? just had a ugh conversation so here we go anyway! I guess everyone is different yet the same in the end anyway. I mean, I’m jealous of people of whom I see doing things I wish I was doing or wish I am like and then I think. Why am I jealous? I should be out there doing whatever it is that I am jealous of, yet I don’t but I guess thats the joy of most people. We can give advice to others yet can never follow it ourselves..
I guess with letting things go, its easiest if you feel like you are doing something. Like, if you are torturing yourself over not doing things when you were younger (like I do lol) it would be easier to let it go if you actually start doing things..(which I dont) but heh

Aww, daddys girl :). I used to be like that, when you live with your mum its like your dad can almost do no wrong..At least thats good, could you imagine what it would be like if you were like him but really resented it? don’t they say you end up like your parents when you get older anyway..whoever “they” are. Were you close with your mum though?

Hurt? Well that makes sense, would anything happen if we were only told what we want to hear? Like, if you just kept in a comfort zone with your friends you would not actually try to achieve anything that would involve work? Hmm, yay for maths then? :P

Ahh thats cool, are you ever sea sick though? heh, I have not seen the fishermen do that here, but the typical workmen do lol. Still, it is worth it though, does not matter where but it is such a relaxing and peaceful moment. I was on a beach of pebbles and even though it is not the nicest place, it just did not matter. Just nature and me, throwing pebbles into the sea.

No, although I would hate to think how long it would take to do that..but at least it would keep you occupied for life..
I came across this image yesterday (I have just gotten into a new obsession of finding images of things like..weird paintings and somewhow came across it)
http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/imag…
Its quite a sight, even if it is equally, if not more bad. Our land and skies are so cluttered with our lives now but it shows how much we depend on it all. If say electricity and cars would to just disappear, no one would have a clue on what to do..
One can dream..(alright, Ill admit this one is not smaller)

Hey, I have some years in my yet it seems like I am finding myself much less wise then many people younger then me. But there are quite a few things I see how things could be better. But when you are younger, no matter how much people tell you, its too easy to believe that its not that way. I mean the amount of times I was told to make the most out of the time and I would disagree, yet now finding myself wanting to say the same thing! The what if thing is a terrible curse though, you need to be able to just move on from things (so no what if I did this, what if that happened) but also do things that may seem hard etc so you don’t get into that position in the first place. I could say soo many but in the end it changes nothing I guess…

lol awww how sweet :P hehe. I take it you don’t mind resembling your dad like that then?

So in a way its a double plus though, not only do you have her back as a friend but was able to pull yourself up and be a better person. Hmmm I wonder if I can find someone like that hehe. So, how did she help?

That must be a pain with the water, would it still effect you if you were on a boat? Have you ever spent time on a beach a night? Its as if all your senses are amplified, the smell of the sea, the sound of the waves, the feel of the air..I just wish I lived near a good beach!
Hmmm, if every light went out..chaos! People would look up to the skies and either be blinded or be so shocked. When I visited America though the plane trip on the way home was at night and we saw all the lights over Florida and seeing complete darkness except for the lights was a pretty sight. Maybe you should ask every single person to turn out the lights some time so we can see what it is like, although that would not bode well for the whole not a people person thing hehe :)
Hope I’m not boring you with all the…epicness :P (whoo, mines smaller..I think)

:) hehe.

and your motivation, is to see out one day at a time, looking for that special something.
god only knows im tired of looking. looking for something, that you dont know what it is. its broing, tiring, and painful. especially when you see other people with something, that gives them motivation. and yet you feel hollow. :(

Aaaaagh miss cari :(. you know that exactly how i feel *sigh* maybe your the prettier female version to me :P.

i hope your not to down. as you got a good start in life. with your studying, and becoming something you enjoy doing, is a nice thing to have. chin up silly shoes, your not a waste of air. :)

you my beautiful, caring emotional, sexy friend :) miss cari. otherwise known as the female version of matthew :P

well i am weird :P, so it makes sense to ask weird things :P. i am sorry though if it was to personal.

and i feel like that to :(. dont feel that way miss cari. your alot nicer, and better, than to feel upset, or un happy. besides, your studying, and doing well. and im sure it will all fit into place. just give it time :)