I am not sure what you are saying no to, nor where guilt comes into the equation. I actually have a psych degree…and holy frac - I think it has hindered more than helped when dealing with my own ‘issues’. I am never worried about the emotional attachment myself…although explain…cause I don’t know what happens when you get emotionally attached to a woman that there’s no change of having sex with. For me - it is always about being worthy…not an abundance of that feeling in my life. I have the psych degree to analyse it all, and explain it all, but with all of my self awareness..I can’t seem to change it all!!
So I guess you are right…as I can match your negative qualifiers with my negative notions of self worth….(however unfounded they may be) and I am afraid that I have already lost.
I feel the need to be somewhat witty and evasive…instead of actually saying what I am truly feeling. I hate indifference.
And who says anything about pretend love. What is love - if not pretend until it is real? Love changes all the time. Sometimes it starts out as lust, admiration, hate, pain, intrigue…or sometimes it starts out just like this. Not that I eluding to anything….just…why can’t we talk in real time?
However…I like the shape that your words make in my mind. I like the way my heart warmed this morning when I heard your shout! and I would like to continue with our line of thought…….maybe we just moved to quickly?
I’m sure I don’t know. I feel like being banal, just now. If we were meeting right this instant I’d probably say stuff I didn’t mean and you knew was a lie. I’d just like to pretend; y’know, to distract.
Wow - I am the illicit married woman..and that is exciting? Wow. I need to capitalize on that more often. I can imagine the fantasy of meeting - but not the reality. Would we meet at an illicit hotel, with an illicit grin? Would we meet at a quaint B&B and pretend we were long and lost? Would we be shy and nervous? Would we be hot and horney? Would you be beautiful and desirable? Would I actually allow another human to see me at my most vulnerable? I am not young and immortal anymore!!
I am simling - that nice kinda blush smile - thanks. My marriage isn’t ruled by social norms - especially not the institution of monogamy. And though I agree that there are many paths to divinity - how do you know I would be beautiful and desirable?
kay lulza….I am going to bed. I wanted to let you know that I think you did the right thing….with your dream girl. Everything we do is really based in selfishness….so don’t hurt too much on that account. You are just more aware and honest about everything truly being about YOU! Enjoy your star wars and your music….and your drama.
Okay - I think we all have a little spin to ourselves when we are with someone new. I think that newness, anticipation, brings out a little colour in our cheeks - ya know? WEll……sex is pretty funny…and pretty unimportant in the big picture….but it is deffinitley part of the little picture I think. Although, what do I know…there are people that go through their lives never having sex. For me, I wish it were still about kissing….not sex. How does that shift come about?
but - how are you now? over your flu? over the holidays? back at work? back in love? make up with your mom?
To answer your week old question; yes, sometimes I feel different. I don’t mean I behave differently or think differently; I’m just a new version of myself. It’s like how your cells renew themselves so that every six years there’s nothing left of the old cells. I can’t explain it; I’m just different.
Sex isn’t important to me anymore. It used to be, but now it’s become something funny. If you take sex seriously you’re nothing but an animal, but if you laugh at it and drunkenly grope another giggling misanthrope I think that’s closer to the real point of sex. We’re more than animals, but we’re very close, and that’s the joke. Anyone who doesn’t believe in a puckish god hasn’t been paying attention to the faces people make during sex.
Do you feel like you are a different person when we write? Do you ever re-read your communications? Our conversations? And then you think..what the hell, that isn’t even me - who am I trying to be? Or do you only feel that way in real life? Or is that what you were saying at all…cause you got a little fuzzy at then end…after you hang up the phone…then you are a different person…as in you would be an ugly person judging and laughing and thinking indifferent thoughts? Or you would be…what exactly?
My problem….I always try to turn everything into some sort of sexual enuendo….seduction, flirtation. I have a pretty horrible (although standard sadly) sexual history…and I am pretty fucked up about sex…although…maybe not if what you say is true and everything truly is all about sex…cause then I would just be the status quo! It is just so damn amazing and sad how much a flirtation with someone can totally change the swing I am in! I hate it. Thank god I have a robot for a husband who is completely happy and secure - cause he is not jealous of anything…so I can still be my full-disclosing brutally honest self with him…and he doesn’t care what comes out of my mouth!
That could be sweet…heart pounding and breath baited!! I don’t often call anyone to talk with them about real shit…and I can’t stand small talk unless it is actually a front for some sort of seduction! So….I guess we are stuck with this.
I thnik it is strange that so many of us should need help…in this format. Isn’t that just….wrong? Ineffective or…something? I admit…it keeps my mind on other things…which is good, cause my mind can go down some slippery slopes. I had the same experience…at the end of my rope and typing in the only thing I could think of - and here I am.
But on a grand scale…again, it just isn’t fair.
And I would much rather be sitting at the showroom with you, listening to music and drinking peppermint tea and having a real time conversation really.