So it’s 5am here and I’m walking along the beach with just the sounds of the sea to keep me company. It’s a spring tide so the water is out way further than usual and cause it’s. So cold, the sand is frozen and it crunches like snow as I walk. Neat. I think I’ll stay out and watch sunrise.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about lots of things and the cold salty air is helping to clear my thoughts :) 2012 wasn’t very nice for lots of reasons. I. Think I’ll take the whole world ending thing as a metaphor for my old world coming to an end instead.
After 4 years logging on here I’ve decided that I won’t be doing it for much longer. This place has provided me with so much support and love when I’ve really needed it but it has also resulted in a lot of heart ache too. The friends I have made hear are what have kept me coming back. I have not the will or interest anymore to forge new friendships here.
You are my last remaining special person and I feel that you too are moving on with your life. Hence I have no reason to come here now.
I want you to know that I think about you often, as weird as that might sound and that I’m happy things look bright for you, despite the issues and setbacks you have had. I’m very proud of you that you have managed to come through so many challenges.
You have my email and FB if ever you wanna chat, but in this place it’s good bye :) x
I spent xmas and new year at my mom’s. I was kinda dreading being there that long cause usually I get annoyed with her after three or four days but this time I actually enjoyed being there. It was nice to spend some time with her and my sister.
Now I’m back home I need to shuffle all the xmas weight I have gained by munching my way through way too much snacky food. I’m gonna go running later for the first time in nearly three weeks and I don’t think it’s gonna be much fun :/
Some guy emailed me last week asking if he can use part of a video I made in some advert he’s working on for some company. He said he’d pay me £30 for 7 seconds of film he wanted to use - I see a way of getting rich! Haha.
Yeah me too. Everywhere I go there’s tacky decorations a rubbish christmas music playing. And every store I go into has a special offer on party food; like the whole point is to eat until you can’t move. Why would you want to celebrate like that? Lame.
I know, right? My aunt wanted to adopt or foster a kid for a long time and to be honest I never thought she would be any good at it. Motherly instinct doesn’t seem to come naturally to her. When they got the placement, she left her job and ‘looked after’ him full time. The government pays her pretty well for it, so basically she’s been using him the whole time to not have to go to work.
Poor kid. She said she’s worried that if he tells him, he might ‘burn the house down or something’. What does that say about her parenting skills!? I pointed out that him going away won’t make him forget where they live and he’s much more inclined to hate them if they don’t even tell him he will be leaving.
You know those times when you wake up in the middle of the night. I dunno, you hear a noise or have to go pee or something. Then you get all comfy in bed again but can’t sleep. I hate that! Stupid brain.
I learned yesterday that my aunt and uncle who are fostering this kid and have done for four years now, are planning on sending him back to the children’s home just before Christmas. How nice is that? And on top of that, they’re not even gonna tell him. Apparently they are just gonna arrange for someone from the home to pick him up from school one day. How cruel is that? It made me really mad. Dumb family.
Hmm, yeah I can see why. I dunno why I felt the need to tell you all of that :P
What would you ideal job be? I only ask cause most of the jobs I’d be interested in are pretty… unusual. So I’ve spent the last four summers driving people around a roller coaster that is 83 years old; I feel like I need to do something else now.
I’ve just applied to be a train planner; which basically does what it sounds like. I’d be working out timetables and stuff like that. It sounds like fun, at least for a couple years while I volunteer with the police. I want to use my brain. I’m fed up of sitting here in such a near-vegetative state, you know?
I spent the morning watching Thurderbirds. You’ve probably never seen it before. It was some show they did back in the 60’s I think and they used to show it on TV when I was a little kid (no, back in the 60’s!). It’s still pretty good: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVxzO9…
I just cried at some girly movie. Dear God I need to get out more!
I’m also feeling rather self-concious lately. I dunno why. Sometimes I just don’t much like who I am, you know. And then other times I know I’m much better at being me than I am at being anybody else. I can’t work out if that’s a comfort or not though.
Also I’m listening to Rachmaninov and Vaughan Williams music. I feel all… cultured :P
Did you ever get to hang out with them some other time?
I’m bored. I’m watching repeats of Fresh Prince. I’m still getting used to it getting dark at like 5pm. I keep checking the time expecting it to be about 10pm or something and it’s only 7! Now I gotta think of something to do for 3 hours. Stupid time.
Well I at least knew the significance of the feeling you were trying to convey. To be honest it was the same feeling I guess before you replied anyway; although I wasn’t quite expecting you to use such an analogy.
Ohhuhmm… so… how’s life in the world of Caitlin then? Is your neck better yet? And how’s the front desk job going for you?
I’ve just eaten a load of cake. My exercise regime is going well… :/
So I’ve finished work now and I’m back to spending most of my time at home again. You wanna take bets on how long it will take me to go crazy? :P I’ve thought about doing something constructive, like learning another language or something. Except I’m too lazy.
Maybe you need to start being more active or something. I’ve noticed when I spend too long being lazy unusual bits of me hurt. Like sometimes when I wake up I can’t look straight down cause of this weird pain in my chest.
Cool! Good luck on Saturday :P I know what you mean; it’s almost a feeling of being left out. I get that with my friends cause I was the only one who didn’t graduate. Sucks :/
Is this all relationships or just romantic ones? I think too many people put too much emphasis on being in a relationship; too needy basically. I think It’s important for people to be happy on their own and to go off and do their own thing. I’ve discovered for myself that you can’t have a happy relationship if you’re not happy on your own.
Maybe time out of school will be good for you, but it does get harder to go back to that kind of lifestyle after being in work for a few years. What do you feel you would really like to do? Good luck with the promotion thing! Maybe working your way up is the path for you. Have you made new friends there; how are they different to the ones you made in school?
Hmm… yeah I need to learn to take control of my mind more. In all aspects really. You know, one thing I’m learning about myself is how lazy I can be sometimes and how I use random things to make excuses for that.
I dunno how I would be with a relationship right now to be honest. Sometimes it feels like it’s the thing I want the most; but there is so much stuff I still want to do for myself too and maybe a relationship would just tie me down. This is all just hypothetical anyway as there isn’t even a prospect of such a decision.
Maybe you will have to wait until you go back to school, if you go back, to get the contact with more people to find some you can share with (wow, that was very eloquently said!). Can you save up for a few months maybe? Moving out of home isn’t always as brilliant as some make out though. Buuut… it might help your relationship with your mom.
Grr… this will make me sound kinda… pervy maybe, but I’m noticing so many attractive women lately! I’m craving… attention. Hmm, no… intimacy maybe. Something like that. Maybe just a connection. I dunno. Any ideas how to… numb the cravings?
No, I never knew that. It sheds a light on some other things though. How long has he been in there?
What is it about her that you can’t stand? For me, it is the way she still treats me like a kid. She constantly wants to feed me; which sounds pretty innocuous, except she never takes no for an answer. I know that sounds like such a trivial thing but it winds me up. She also has this ability to make me feel like I can’t go out without her when I stay at hers. I’m not sure where that came from, but it makes me feel claustrophobic somewhat when I stay at hers.
I had a feeling you wouldn’t. I don’t either. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
I ages that opening up to people can be risky. In my experience, it always seemed like that thing to do at the time, but every time doing so hasn’t helped me. In fact a lot of those times it has made things worse.
What happened for your dad to leave then? I know the feeling of knowing they are lonely, and it’s not a nice thing to live with. I know that my mom is lonely a lot of the time and I always feel sad for her whenever I leave her. She asks me now and then if I would ever live with her again. But I can’t. I just wouldn’t survive in that situation. Perhaps I’m just selfish :/
Do you believe in the ‘it’s better to have loved and lost…’ thing?
I know you’re scared of the scary part coming out but what is it about that part of you that is scary? What help do you need, It’s better to get help in dealing with why rather trying toforget about it or cover it up, right?
So you don’t have much contact with your dad at all then. Does that bother you? I grew up without my dad being around, so it doesn’t bother me at all really.
I applied four months ago! I mean, c’mon. It just leaves me in limbo; I’m waiting on that to decide what’s best. To do now. Instead I feel like I’m just dossing around wasting my life :/
Pff, anyway. I’ll quit moaning now :P
How are things with you? I know random bits and pieces. Mind you, I kinda get that you don’t really wanna talk about it, so I’ll shut up ;)
I just watched a really cool programme called the plane crash; which is about the exact thing you expect from a title like that. They basically crashed a plane on purpose and examined what happened. It made quite a mess. It appealed somewhat to the seven year old boy that lives inside me :D
Yeh, I hear ya. My mom came down last week for a few days. It’s always nice to see her, but It’s also nice when she goes, you know? On the last night she was hear she said she worries about me being on my own and that she wishes I would settle down someplace. It was just the last thing I wanted to hear. I dunno how she manages to come out with the thing I least want to hear :/
Anyway… I’m still waiting to hear from the police about the job. It’s so annoying it takes so long to sort things out. I’m just drifting along waiting for something to happen too :/
Pff, wee need to start being more positive and happy about things. Uuhm, you first :P
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