rcer12's reply history at Help.com

Thanks. I mean, sure, there are lots of girls looking for fun, although even girls like that don’t seem to find me attractive. I don’t know what’s different about me, I just always seem to be that guy that is kinda in the conversation, but if a girl really wants to talk to somebody, it’s not me. Hopefully that does change. Thanks again for everything, hopefully soon I will be able to completely move on from this. Take care yourself as well.

Thanks so much for all the help. I really appreciate it a lot. I definitely here what you’re saying about idealizing her. Guys definitely have that problem, and I’ve had it myself before, although she really was the only one I’ve ever felt this strongly about. I am trying to move on, but it’s hard. Hopefully things do change. I just hope I can move past it. I am working on getting a girlfriend somehow, although almost every attractive girl I’ve met already has a BF, I guess that’s how it always is. I just always seem to be the guy that isn’t quite good enough, you know? Not sure why. I am very good at talking to girls, but I just seem to always just be a friend and nothing more. Very frustrating. Hopefully that will change.

I really did. I mean, based on the way she acted towards me, and just looking at us separately, I thought I had a shot. I guess not. I mean, of course, when you think she is the most amazing girl in the world, there’s that sense of “she’s too good for me, I won’t really be able to be with her. I guess maybe even though there’s always that thought of it not working out, I didn’t see it as an impossibility. I thought I had a legitimate chance.

You’re right, I couldn’t know. I guess maybe I can’t really think about that now. Although, there were times when I really wondered if what I was doing was right. But like you said, your heart takes control. Of course that’s gonna happen, that’s what love is all about.

You pretty much described it perfectly. I am just sitting here thinking, why me. In the group of guys I usually hang out with, about all of them could have any girl they want almost. And I’m struggling. I don’t know why. I’m not shy, I don’t have any problems talking to people at all. It is very frustrating to have gone through my life so far without ever feeling that somebody else is there for you, and that nobody else has any feelings for you. I really thought that was gonna possibly change, but I guess I have to just get used to the way it was again. I am going to miss her a lot though, I just hope I can get my head clear enough for it not to affect me too much.

I really will try to at least talk to her once in a while, it will probably hurt like crazy, you’re right, but I just can’t stay away. I know if she gets a BF, it will crush me but I have to deal with it. I hopefully will find a girl I can have some kind of relationship with. One thing that’s funny, though, and I’m sure a lot of guys know this, it’s pretty easy to talk to almost any girl, and be pretty flirty, and be pretty funny and smart and whatnot with them, even if they are the hottest girl in the world. But if you really, really love a girl, it makes it so much harder. It’s like everything you know changes. What you said is definitely true, losing a battle to win a war. Right now, that is my last hope. Right now, I think I would give the rest of my life for just one more chance, but I guess somehow I have to detach myself a little bit, but I can’t. I can’t force myself to not love her. I guess she might be that girl that you always wish you had, and it hurts when you think about it. Thanks again for all the good advice and support. Still about 24 hrs to go, I think I’ll know pretty soon.

Sorry I screwed up the last few sentences, I thought I change something but I messed it up somehow. I’m sure you get what I am trying to say. Don’t know how to edit replies on here.

I figured that when I asked that girl to talk to her, she was going to say something about who was asking. But at the time, it was a risk I was willing to take. I guess maybe it was stupid now that I look back. Makes a lot of sense what you said, after that, every time I see or talk to her is going to be awkward for her. I feel bad that I did that now, and that I didn’t ask any way, I should have, and I knew it. Not entirely sure why I didn’t. I just wish I knew what she felt about all this, if she is annoyed with me, indifferent, or, after all this, idk. I hate not knowing. I just wish I had maybe used my head a little more. I feel like, even though of course maybe it was never going to work out, now, I don’t know cause I didn’t do the right things. I just feel like I was selling myself short now, like I blew it for myself. I know maybe I shouldn’t feel like that but I do.

I just don’t know what I’m going to do now. Obviously, I will never find another girl like her, ever again. Everybody is unique. And I know that I might find somebody I like in the future. But I feel like even if they are perfect for me, they aren’t the same, and I don’t want anything else. I know that this will go away too, but in some way I don’t want it to, like maybe if I don’t let go, it didn’t blow up. Like there’s still a chance. I know this is all stupid and pointless, but I can’t help it. Every time I see a girl and think “wow she’s pretty cute, and seems nice, maybe I should ask her out”, I think of this girl. I think, no, I’m trying to get somebody else. Now I can’t do that anymore, but it’s still hard. Honestly, a month ago, I didn’t think I would be writing any of this. I thought, “for sure, it will work out, I’ve just had bad luck”. I guess not. I can hardly go 20 minutes without thinking of her. I know that I’m pretty poor, and I don’t have a nice car (although I like it), a nice phone, or any of that, but I just know I could make her happy. I know I am not the most popular guy, but I get along pretty well with most people, especially with girls. But with her it was different. A lot of girls, you get that feeling like, “yeah, she’s hot, but that’s about it”, but with her, I could just talk to her about anything, and she seemed to understand. I don’t know what I’m going to do without that. Like I’m sure you have, I’ve met a lot of girls in lots of places, not one has even been close to what she is.

I can still approach a girl and flirt and all that, and be friendly or funny or whatever, but I didn’t really have to do that with her, she listened to me no matter what I said, it seemed. It’s gonna be forever before I can go up to a girl with the honest intention of asking her out because I am interested in a relationship. Right now, that seems like almost never. I can’t watch a soccer game, listen to almost any song, or almost do anything without being reminded of her. I know that happens to everybody, but I just don’t know how I am going to stop that. I guess I am still just barely hanging on to that last thing she said on that last message, where she said don’t worry, she’s not mad. I didn’t really say anything to get a response like that, she just said it. I mean, if I can’t be friends, I feel really bad, cause it seems like she still wants to be, if nothing else. And I don’t think I actually push HER away, I just can’t do that. I mean, I can’t say I won’t continue to talk to her like I did before, just cause I like talking to her. Maybe some day when I have that big house and that hedge fund job, I can try again if she’s still single. I partly feel like even if she did like me, there is the whole money factor. She does happen to be pretty well off, like most of my friends. Even if she didn’t care, I would feel bad. Maybe someday, when I get that hedge fund job, and have that big house and that Aston Martin, I can try again if she’s single. Now I’m just being desperate. All I can do now is pray that something happens in the next 2 days.

Thanks a lot. I really appreciate all the help you and cmax gave me. I think you really helped me out a lot. Like you said, anything could happen, but I’m not crossing my fingers. I think you are right, though, she thinks I am just a nice guy but that’s about it. I just wish there was something I could do to change that. I wish somehow she could just realize what I feel without me telling her, I’m sure you know what that feels like. Like, you don’t think she thinks I just want to get with her do you? I just worried so much that was the message I was sending, it seems like a lot of girls have that feeling about a guy who asks them out. I guess all this is just me thinking about what I could have done differently. But when I look back, there isn’t much, really. I definitely have tried to hide a lot of what I’m feeling for her this whole time, so I wonder if she really knows. I guess she has to, why else would I ask her out so many times.

There’s also a few things I have done that so far I haven’t even said here, now maybe I wish I had. I think I first really started to be friends with her during february or march of last year. We had the same class, and I started talking to her. I complimented her on a few things, and just had some casual conversations with her. She seemed happy enough to talk to me, and when I complimented her she seemed happy, maybe just to be nice, don’t know. Anyway, one time, when I was working out after school, I was waiting for a ride, and they were pretty late. She happened to be there at the same time, and we talked for a minute or two, and then, just like it was no big deal, she offered me a ride. Exact opposite direction of where she was going, too. I thought that was so nice, but just as I put my stuff into her car, other ride showed up and so I ended up not going with her. But I really thought that it was pretty nice of her to offer, and I thought maybe she at least thought we were decent enough friends if she offered. I mean, we still didn’t know each other that well at that point. Well, not much happened after that, we talked like normal, and stuff like that, at the time I really didn’t have the type of feelings I have now. Well, go to about march of this year, before prom, about the time when everybody was asking, and I wanted to ask her. Girls soccer had just started, so I got this great idea to make a huge sign and have flowers and stuff, and ask her at the end of one the games, preferably one they won ;). Well, just to make sure, I tried to make sure no one else had asked her, and I was getting desperate, and so one night on FB I noticed another girl I know who is on the team was online, I’m not sure if she really likes me a lot as a friend, but I didn’t have a choice. I quickly asked her if she knew, and she didn’t but said she would talk to her to find out. Well, I didn’t think anybody would have, because it was still early enough. But she sent me a message back saying that this girl was waiting for someone specific, and that whoever it was might have some plans in place already. Well, I didn’t really know what to do after that, although I found out after that she didn’t get asked until right before, and didn’t really have anybody in mind. I don’t know if this other girl told her I was thinking about it or not, but I still wonder if any of that had an affect on what she thinks of me, from her side maybe it looks like I wussed out, but I was just trying to not ruin two people’s night if they already had plans, I didn’t wanna be an *******. I still get sick thinking about it, and didn’t want to bring it up.

I guess all of this is just loose ends, just kinda things I’m thinking about while I’m reading what you said. I feel like maybe since it’s all coming to an end, and that 6 months of trying, and almost 3 of trying like hell, are all gonna go up in smoke, I just am remembering it all from the beginning. I feel like I’m losing something. I know that even if she never had any feelings for me, I know we at least had a friendship, and it was great while it lasted.

And so, I guess, this leads me to this part. I didn’t want to think about this, but I guess now I have to: Are you saying that if this doesn’t work out, we can’t be friends? I guess I get the reasons why, but I don’t know if I can just not be friends with her ever again. Even on just a purely friendly level, I would miss talking to her so much. I don’t know if I can do that. I’d be willing to put up with anything right now to keep her as least someone I can talk to sometimes. I know I will slowly get over her, but I just can’t imagine just cutting her out of my life like that. Like I said before, I feel like I’m gonna lose something, like I’m forgetting something. And it makes me sick.

But, if I have to, I guess what they say is true: If you love something, you need to learn to let something go. And I guess I have to do just that.

well, I sent her a message saying basically that I just thought I would ask one more time if we could hang out at all before school starts, and asked if she was really busy, and asked if maybe she would be interested in seeing that movie I mentioned before, that’s pretty much it. I tried to be pretty light about it. She sent back that she was pretty busy this week, told me she leaves about a week after me, and said she just has a lot of stuff to do with work and school stuff, but she said also she would try to get an open night, and would let me know if she did. Of course, I’m not stupid, I know that’s basically “Im not interested”, but at the end, she put on “don’t worry, I’m not mad at all”. It’s like she is worried about how I feel, which maybe means that she still values our friendship, and I guess that still gives me the smallest bit of hope, but I just don’t know what to feel now. I don’t know if she can pick up on that, I just have a feeling that in 4 days I’m gonna be trying like hell to get over this, and not doing so well.

Ok, thanks a lot. Yeah that was my original plan, just a move, just for fun, I mean, I don’t know what went through her head when I said that originally, but I didn’t try to give the wrong impression. Believe me, I’m trying to do this as low key and casual as I can. There is a good movie that I really wanted to see, “the ugly truth”, heard it’s a great movie to see with a girl, and I really wanted to see it with her. I’m gonna try one more time.

I hear what you’re saying about the pain going away if this falls through (which at this point it probably will), and I know you probably felt like this too, right now it feels like I will never find someone like this. Of course I won’t, everybody’s different, but it’s like, I don’t want anybody different, I don’t care if they’re perfect. I know everybody says it will go away, and I’m sure it will, but it’s almost like I don’t want to forget her, it’s like giving away something you love. I just hope this last try does something. Otherwise, I guess I have to focus on moving on. You’re right, I don’t want to feel like this anymore, everything I do just doesn’t seem right because it’s in the back of my head all the time. I’m always thinking about the things I could’ve done differently. I’m the type of person that does that all the time, about everything, but since this is more important (right now) than anything I’ve had to deal with so far, every time I do something I feel was stupid or wrong, after that I just feel so bad. It’s like I screwed it up. I just hope I can do something to change that. I’m trying hard to think that’s it’s not all my fault, like you said, if she doesn’t feel that way about me, there’s nothing I can do about it.

You definitely hit it right on, I need a reason to call her. I really don’t have much of one, other than to just talk to her. Since our circles of friends are a little different, I don’t have much to say to her that she doesn’t know or cares about in that way. I guess I just have to figure out something though. Unfortunately we don’t get the Premier League over here, haha. I wish we did. But anyway, I guess I have to do like you said and just ask to do something like, now, because I am running out of time. That’s why I kinda stayed with the texts, because they were a little more casual, and I felt like maybe I just had a little more time to think of what I was going to say. Since I’m down to a week, and I’m not sure when my phone will be back in order, I might have to do the facebook message, don’t want to but might have to at this point. I definitely feel like I am getting to the point where I might just put out the idea of doing something specific, time and place, and if I get no answer again, just give up. I can’t deal with it anymore, I’m sure you know how it feels. It just hurts so bad. I just feel like at this point, like you said, so far the signs aren’t good, and I think I have only about one more chance to ask her to do anything, and after that, if she doesn’t seem interested, I don’t know. I guess I just wish I knew though. I mean, she’s like the type of girl that just doesn’t really always talk about that kind of stuff, in fact I’ve never heard her say she was really attracted to anybody in the whole school, usually it’s just the typical stuff about famous guys, you know how it is. Even then, she’s pretty reserved about it. I don’t know if that’s how the girl you liked was, but in that way she is very different from almost every girl I know.

No problem, sorry if I sounded offended, I wasn’t. I hear a lot about how nice guys just aren’t what girls are looking for, and I don’t think I am a total nice guy, but a little more than some. Like you said, it’s a good thing I didn’t tell a lot of people how I feel. I hear what you’re saying about this. I do ask for advice from a couple, but they haven’t said anything to her. Sorry to hear about how it worked out with the girl you loved, that really stinks. I do always try to look as good as possible, not in a trying-too-hard, over-dressed kind of way, but I always try to look good, I don’t think that’s my problem, at least I wouldn’t think so. I don’t know, I guess no one’s ever told me I’m ugly, so that’s a plus, I guess. I actually can be kind of a sweet-talker, in fact very much so sometimes, although not so much to this girl, she’s not as approachable in that way like most girls are. She doesn’t like to bring attention to herself, so I don’t think she’s like a lot of girls that are just waiting for every guy to just fall over them all the time. She’s more mature than a lot of girls I know, that’s for sure.

I don’t think the whole bombardment idea is a good one, I think she is the type that would just ignore it and walk away completely, plus I could never put her in a position where she is doing it just to get me off her back, that makes me feel like crap. I wasn’t considering it though, don’t worry. Like you said, it’s pretty risky too.

Honestly, I have to say it’s been about a month and 2 weeks since we had a conversation thru texting, I sent her a message on FB and she responded, then I sent another back but no reply, that was about a week and half or two weeks ago. So I guess ~6 weeks since last real conversation, and about 9 weeks since I actually saw her and talked to her face to face. Last time I talked to her like that, we just had a pretty normal conversation, she seemed pretty ok with talking to me, like normal, of course I hadn’t really asked her to hang out yet. The first time I asked was actually a text message, we were just talking like normal, and it was around the time when Transformers first came out over here, so I asked her if she was interested in seeing it, and she said yeah sure, and I said maybe we could go sometime and do that, and she was like “yeah maybe” and then, since I was gonna be gone the whole week after, I said maybe sometime this week? And she didn’t reply. I mean looking back, sure it was not probably the 100% best thing to do, and of course maybe it meant a lot to me, but I didn’t really think just seeing a movie like that would be seen as a serious, heavy situation. I just thought it would honestly be fun, and I thought who better to see it with. I do plan on calling her, my phone is currently messed up but hopefully by tomorrow it will be back, I just wanted to ask here to maybe get a handle on what she is maybe feeling before I call, and potentially mess it up for good. Like you said, yes, I am afraid of losing her forever, especially if there was something I could have done. I couldn’t live with myself if I screwed it up.

Well, yeah, I guess. Actually, a lot of guys except for a couple seem to not think she is that attractive, but I do. I definitely don’t tell everybody about this, only a couple people really know. I don’t talk about her a lot, if anybody brings her up, I just play it off like it’s no big deal, like you said. Believe me, I know how to act when not around her, and I thought I knew how to act around her, but I guess not. When I said serious conversation, I guess that’s not totally what I meant, I meant more just about whether she even wanted to hang out at all, not bringing feelings into it. Believe me, I’m not a softy, maybe a little more than some guys, but I don’t get like that at all. I know she definitely is a little different from most of the girls I know, and lots of other people I think would say the same. I really hear what you’re saying about trying to act like I’m not bothered by her rejections, but the problem is I really never see her at all. I definitely hear what you’re saying in the post that took forever. I really do, I pretty much had all of that in mind. I don’t really think of myself as out of shape, I did work out every day up to about June, now it’s a lot more casual, but I think I am not someone that she couldn’t be physically attracted to, I don’t know. I have always been a little more insecure about how I look than some guys, so I always try to work on it. Also, yes the money thing stinks, but right now there’s nothing I can really do about it. I just wish at this point I could just talk to her, if I never see her again, picking up another GF won’t really do anything. I mean, if I just don’t talk to her again, hell, I might never ever talk to her again, and she probably won’t even feel the need to try to talk to me, or do you think I am wrong? We are going to schools about 500 miles away, and I will have to work a lot during the summer, so I might never get a chance to really see her, so I am guessing that if I just pretend to not care, it won’t really be any different anyway, and she will just forget about me, not on purpose but just because, and then that’s that. Hard to really say what I mean here, but I hope you get what I’m trying to say.

Thanks so much. Yeah I mean I tried not to be pushy, I asked her to hang out about 4 or 5 times over the course of 2 months, I mean I thought that wasn’t bad, especially cause she seemed to still talk to me like everything was normal, that and the message she sent me led me to believe that even if she didn’t want to hang out, she was still friends. I guess I just want to at least get to the point where I can talk to her about it, she doesn’t seem to want to though. Like you said, I never let anybody know that I’m more of a shy person, I think they know but I try to be pretty vocal in a group, not overpowering but I think I’m at the same level as everybody else. I know what you’re saying about girls, I’ve seen it, but about every girl I know has a BF already, and the few that don’t aren’t really girls I would go out with, except for a couple, including this girl. She’s never had a BF, or even really been “with” someone at all. Not sure why, a lot of guys I know really say they wouldn’t go out with her at all. So, I really am not sure what to do. I think she definitely wants to be friends with me, that’s what she said, so I think I will always be able to talk to her, but of course that’s not what I’m trying to do. I did play (ok I’ll try to say it correctly) football this past year, don’t know if she noticed, I wasn’t very good. I guess I am just wondering what I can do in my situation to at least get to talk to her seriously about this without sounding desperate, because I really was trying to avoid that like you said. I just don’t know what to do anymore, and I really feel like if I don’t at least get an answer from her (yes or no) that I am leaving something out there. Like you said, maybe she is saying no because she’s too nice, but maybe like CMAX said she is just unsure of what to say even if she does want to hang out. I guess I don’t know what to think. I guess part of me just also can’t stand to think that she might not want to go out with me, every other girl I know seems so insignificant right now compared to her, she seemed to have a lot in common with me. And we could talk normally, I felt like I could just talk to her whenever, and she seemed to more than happy with to talk to me. I don’t know how I can even go on without that. I’m sure you know how it feels. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to screw it up.

Thanks so much, I really do appreciate it. Of course, as you can probably imagine, I’m scared to push her away, because I guess I have it in my head that I can still do something pro-actively do something to get her back, but if I ignore her, I won’t ever see her again. She usually hangs out with a group of kids that I don’t, I mean it’s kinda interlinked, I’m sure you know what I mean, some of the guys she hangs out with might be in a group I would mostly hang out with, but not a lot, you know how it is. And, of course, she mostly hangs out with her girlfriends a lot. I have not seen her once so far this summer, and haven’t really been in a place where I would of. I eat where she works sometimes with some of my friends, but haven’t seen her in there at all. I guess what scares me the most is that we are both going away to school in 2 or 3 weeks, and I tend to think that if I just ignore her, our friendship will simply just kinda go away, and she won’t think too much about it. I would always try to stay in touch, but once you are far apart, it’s a million times harder. I can totally see what you’re saying, but since she never makes an effort to talk to me since I started to ask her if she wanted to hang out, and since I never ever see her, I’m guessing that just not talking to her won’t really make that much of a difference.

You totally got my feelings right, I would give the whole world 10 times over just to see her one more time, and I would do anything to get her to feel the same way about me, but I also want her to be happy. I too figured that she must have some idea of how I feel about her, I talked to her a lot before this, and I went to about every home soccer game they played, and I talked to her a lot after them. She really seemed to like talking to me before, but it’s like now she is scared of saying anything. I do know she is really a shy girl, hell, I’m a shy guy, so I kinda know how she feels. If it was the other way around, I could see how she feels, but I really wish she would give me some type of answer. I guess the one positive thing is that she hasn’t said no, she just hasn’t answered. Do you think this is a good sign? Again, she is shy, and pretty nice, so I don’t know necessarily what she would say if she really didn’t want to go out at all, but I would imagine that if she really didn’t want to have anything like that to do with me, she would say no, at least by the 5th time, right? At least I would’ve thought so. So far, I have been more or less of everything she said, because I don’t want to give her any reason to get annoyed with me or anything like that. But like you said, that’s not really working. When she said that her phone had died that one time, I can see that, that’s happened to me, but of course, that didn’t explain the previous three times I had asked to see her in some way when she didn’t respond. I just wish that I knew how she felt.

Believe it or not, the whole “casual GF” thing did cross my mind. But about the only girl I know that I could legitly ask out would be just that, just someone to get to the girl I really like. I don’t think I could deal with her either in that kind of way, she’s fun to talk to, but I couldn’t come close to even pretending to want a real relationship, if only to make the girl I like jealous. Also, I only have two weeks, so I’m not sure if this would accomplish anything, or if it did just push her away. That’s the last thing I want to do, as I’m sure you know.

You said you went through this before, how did it turn out? Like I said, she is a shy girl, so I know it’s a little different, but I’m not sure what the girl you were dealing with was like.

Haha I know how that is, do it myself a lot lol. I just sent her a text just saying hi and asking if maybe she wanted to go see a movie sometime, kinda framed it as pretty casual, but I had to text it cause my phone is acting up and can’t make/take calls, told her I feel bad about that and was sorry but made it sound pretty casual and easy-going, no response so far, I feel bad because I’m sure lots of guys have used that excuse but I’m for real, really sux. AT&T is really pissing me off right now.

So far things are not going like I want. Like I said before, I am 18 and going to college in the fall, but unable to find a job this summer (sucks big time). So I am very short on money. I haven’t even been able to ask her out because of this. In the mean time, I’ve just been waiting to see if she answered the last message I sent her on FB, the reply to the one where she said she wasn’t mad. I of course was so happy when I read it that I didn’t think too much about it, but she really only talked about the very last time I talked to her, she said her phone died, which of course is totally normal, but didn’t really say anything about the three times before when I asked her if she wanted to hang out. I just kinda assumed she didn’t really remember but idk im kinda scared about it now. In the reply I was just like “oh man, I’m so happy that I didn’t make you mad”, and all apologetic and stuff, not long or anything. At the end I just said “hey I really do want to hang out sometime soon so I’ll call you cause I have some ideas”. Then I just asked if she was real busy at work. So far that was about 5 days ago, still nothing. I’m starting to worry, because every time I’ve said anything about hanging out now, she has not responded. I just feel like maybe I should give up, I know it could just as easily be that she hasn’t had time to answer it but it’s happened every time so I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to push it, Im gonna send her a text maybe just to say hi but I’m afraid to ask if she wants to do anything because she might just not reply again.