Wow, you really do surprise me. I had you down for someone who was brimming with confidence.
I think we all feel like that from time to time,I know I have ‘off days’ where I want to hide myself away from the world,fear of rejection,acceptance.
Weird how our mind likes to play tricks on us.
I noticed you had been mossing for a while,or hiding under a anon:P
Are you talking about relationships?
I know you had a girl friend for quite a while. Did that work out?
Its good to think of others, you need to think of for own hardships first though. You need to be OK with yourself from the inside before you try to help others on the outside.
Lol, sometimes I do. I can have a shocking memory at times.
If its not in your power, then there’s nothing much you can do.
I guess having a excellent mind can have its disadvantages to.
There’s only so many memories you can block of before they come back with a vengeance.
Theres no point beating yourself up about it. If its meant to be,then so be .
You sound really depressed,very unlike you.
Your usually upbeat,sarcastic,whitty.
Has something changed recently. I know we havnt talked in quite a long time. I didn’t get you at first. Then I noticed you were no different to the rest of us.
Well, sometimes I need a dictionary when talking to you,other than that your OK. :P
not good, enjoy the present only this is ours, you are already wise..i don’t know how to make you feel better. but hope for the best for the future and don’t spoil your present with these thoughts. take care.
Hi Yeti, Long time no talk. Haven’t been on in a couple of years and saw your shout. Thank you for thinking of us. We have thought of you often and wondered how your transition from adolescence to adulthood has been going for you. Carol and Paul
How conclusive is the evidence?
well, I’d like to put this delicately. …I’d say about probably 95 percent conclusive. I’m in search of the last answers to my questions, but I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to listen to the answers.
well, I have surrounding evidence which points to certain things and I just want to know if memory failure resulted from stuff that happened, or if nothing happened and that’s why I have no memory of it…. hard to explain without explaining.
They aren’t things that I’d need to ask myself I can’t get the answers from within, at least I haven’t thus far.
I usually hate any post that is not anonymous by me. I did get some answers to the things that I needed help with….but I wish that I could get more. One question that bothers me a lot is one that I’ll likely never get answers to. I’m definitely bothered that it’s there…but more bothered that I’ll likely never have an answer to all of my questions that I’ve had in my head for far too long. I can’t risk saying them bc I know that it can further damage others who’ve gone through traumatic experiences. Even if I did say, I wonder if I’d get a straight answer or opinion on it. most people try to be nice instead of saying what they actually think/feel.
Anonymity it something that I knew that I wouldn’t truly get here, but I figured that only from mods/admins could view who it was from. I was ok with that. I still am. I’m glad that they can keep this place safe. I need that. Many others do, too.
You’re right, my kids are a good reason to keep running and keep trying to win this battle that I constantly face with the enemies, depression and PTSD.
I get embarrassed, too, but some things I have needed answers for and haven’t been able to get real answers elsewhere. My posts might have been “adulted” at times to protect younger persons from viewing, but I needed to ask them. One still bothers me. A lot. I thank the Lord for the anonymous feature at those times….until I realise that no matter what, I can’t truly be anonymous.
I have that problem in real life and online. I constantly feel the need to be anonymous, so much so that I won’t even enter into a contest bc I don’t want for the company to post my name, photograph or name of my area (city, town, province). I don’t feel safe when I can’t be anonymous.
Same. I don’t usually articulate well. I usually do put a lot of thought into my replies.
I used to get that “want to run away” feeling a lot. I still get it, but now that I have kids, I can’t. I refuse to be selfish and ruin their lives. Now, instead of running away, I feel like I’m running on the spot, treadmill under foot.depression still gets me much of the time.
I often wonder if the OPs come back to read, and to learn better methods, too. sometimes it used to bother me that they wouldn’t reply. Now, I’m learning that the replie might not always help them, but they could help somebody else at some point, so it’s worth the time and effort, I figure.
Yeti, thank you. You’re words have encouraged me to be a little bit more open, even if still anonymously. I have read this numerous times in the last few dsya. I didn’t know what to say…but know that progress IS being made. Hugs.
I do think a lot but now i have told myself to forget everything, that guy with the excuse of ” I tell the truth” told it to my cousin and further my cousin told it in my relatives , horrible…that guy is not wise and doesn’t think with his head how to manage things in a better way.
he acts as a kid.
so his mom called today and she told my mom that ask cath to read out the e-mail she sent to her son and bla bla…so i ahd to tell my mom that the doc came home and i mean everything is OUT, i didn’t tell about the foreplay but of course she does know that i wud have kissed and all….but i told her I AM A VIRGIN, i got no more to say!!! he broke my trust badly.
enough is enough i cried a lot today.
i am happy i didn’t marry that jerk!! and his clever mom.
my mom is ok with me.
I think that I’ve only felt a twinge of annoyance/frustration/upset at you maybe about twice. Mostly bc I felt “followed” from one post to another. That made me feel like my privacy was invaded, which I didn’t like, bc I was anonymous for a reason.
I like kindness. I don’t think that enough people show it. I don’t know if it put a strain on you. I feel like when we talk, that I have to always watch what I say, but I’m honestly like that with everybody, that’s why I stick to anon to reply, most times.
I don’t know if I learn about me by writing and erasing. Well, I do, but I don’t think that others do. Sometimes I wish that I could just open up. It would be so much easier.
Privacy is my biggest obstacle in life. I’m getting to be a little bit better with certain people, but it’s taking a painstakingly long time. I always take a long time to reply bc I never know exactly how to word the replies. Is it weird that I worry so much about that?
I keep trying to believe that. On good days, I keep at it and might even come out ahead. On other days, not quite so much. Maybe that’s why I’m in therapy, or part of the reason.
Same, I don’t talk much. Maybe I said a few things in the last month, but not much. It started with ananymous people getting offended? me? Maybe I was at times. I don’t remember though. You do have power top help9 them re-think things in a different way. That cjallenge is what helps. I came back a few times to talk to you and a few times to talk to one other person. I tried being kind most of the time. Missed the mark a few times, I’m sure. Sometimes sensiblility and honesty were more important than kindness. most times tatful wording got the real message across.
Thank you. Same. I have to keep trying…but some days are so hard that I don’t know if it’s worth the bother.
Yes, I continued writing some, but then I just stopped. I haven’t been writing here hardly at all in the last year and a half, I think. I didn’t like being called a troll, so I figured that as long as people would refer to me that way, they must not see the pain that I’ve had to endure. They don’t understand. I didn’t figure that anybody wanted help from a “troll”, so I had pretty well stopped writing here and found other places for getting the pain out. At least on other sites, you own the rights to everything that you write. You don’t get that here. It says that the owners of this site own your words once they are up.
No delete function is hard on me here. That’s one of the reasons why I have a hard time here. I write, then want to delete everything, bc sometimes, it’s panic attacks that bring out all of my pain. I don’t want the world to see that, and I certainly don’t want a company to own the right to use those words. When I can’t delete, that causes me a lot of pain. It’s easier to handle when I am no longer in pain.
I’m sorry that PTSD bites me so hard. I can’t make it better. I’m so frustrated by it at times. I’m tired of not feeling able to put trust in people. It gives me no rest.
I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m trying hard to heal. It’s not working well. I have my 2nd appt for therapy in a week or so. Maybe it’ll help.
I used to think that writing things here was a help. It was on MANY MANY days…..then it stopped. I kept worrying about my privacy. That started LONG ago. Then this new thing just brought up all of the old feelings taht scared me back then.
Thank you for telling me.
Many have called me that. Sensitive, I understand, but hurtful none the less.
Go for it. Might help. PTSD days are upon me. I think that I could use some calm. Every year I’m a little off balance at this time. I usually come out of it fairly quickly. Maybe within a week or two. Just started counselling again on the 2nd. Haven’t gone, except for an intake appt, since April 2005. That’s been a while. Time to get myself sorted again, I figure.
hmmm nothing special Yeti, i keep thinking the whole day about my past, the guy how he behaved, right worng bla bla, about future…so much going on then i relax myself and say forget the past and don’t worry about the future, lets be happy in the present.
i have to take care of myself first before making others happy. i am really messed up.
need time to feel good about myself!
I’ve sat on here for days since writing to you last. I’m still not sure what to say. Not ignoring, very much hurting.
All that I can come up with is “I’m sorry, too. You didn’t cause my pain. Somebody else caused my PTSD. That person caused me to go to extremes to protect my privacy. It’s not about “you” as much as it’s about “anybody” being able to read my private thoughts that I’d written anonymously.
I wrote anonymously for a reason. Being anon doesn’t change my thoughts, it just allows me to be more open about them…or at least it did. Now, I can’t trust my thoughts remain private, so I don’t feel like I can write on threads, even as anon.
Are you an admin? Were you? Is that how you have this knowledge? Was I a “suspected troll” to be watched? All of those thoughts and more keep swirling around in my head. PTSD sure is fun!!!
“In my active days I learned some things about the site, but they aren’t usually renowned, nor do most mind about them.”
I do. I’m very private. That just taught me why I shouldn’t ever say what’s really on my mind. I’m sure that people think that I’m just a troll. not the case. I could tell you some horrific stories from my childhood, but I won’t. People have no idea what PTSD is like, and they don’t know how much impact it’s had on me. There is always so much going on in my life. Good thing that I’ve learned as a child not to talk. My privacy feels very much violated, actually.
Not your fault that I’m feeling this way, but I’m telling it like it is. Now, I will never share my PTSD story in full here. I had come close before, and told little bits, but not much. All of the progress with giving a little bit of trust feels like it’s gone. Dissociative now. I hate this feeling. Everything gets blurry. was old by a psychologist that it’s normal bc I’m trying not to feel pain. That’s not working. I’m feeling pain. I think that I’m going to be sick….again.
there are two possibilities…
because he is already ashamed of his elder sister who got a court marriage without their consent with a guy of her own choice inter faith marriage…he is so ashamed that he stopped working got depressed doesn’t go out and all, stays in the house most of the time…so maybe he has this mentality that he gets satisfaction by making others also ashamed of their daughters….idk like a cancer patient would feel satisfied when he/she will meet another patient struggling with cancer… a sort of hope and satisfaction…
2)or he is so obsessed with his reputation that he wants all to know that he is not the bad guy here, it is me the bad girl who made a huge mistake of lying and all that, so the whole blame should be put on me.
it is very hard to understand such a person’s behavior, but what i am sure about is that he is a very egotistic guy, who can insult anyone.
got a huge lesson though, why do i always meet the wrong ppl or i don’t act the right way…i should understand people first before trusting them with everything. but these people are so sweet that they make you trust them. hard to figure out things.
Pretty good. My baby girl is almost 8 months old! It’s going by SUPER fast. I can’t believe it lol. She’s crawling now and she can pull herself up to standing position using a toy. Money situation is still insanely stressful but we’re getting through somehow! what’s new with u?
i forgot to tell as you asked…i told him in the beginning myself without him asking that i had no bf and all…didn’t go out with guys…normally to see i didn’t do something huge in my past…but anyways because i didn’t know how to make relationships work, i could had been calm and waited for what he wants to ask and all..but again what is done is done and the way he behaved was also wrong.
do you really feel that he was ruining me?? he says that everyone should know so that i don’t repeat a mistake but come on teach me if you wanna why are you trying to be my dad.
what did you mean by “testing” ?
yeah it is the perspective…he is obssessed with honesty, i don’t know how much he himself is good in being honest all the time, but his mom always used to say one thing “don’t lie with him, he hates those who lie” bla bla….
but yeah he did react in a very wrong abnormal way. his mom covers him up by saying he is helping your family because he cares, by telling everyone about me.
he made me feel as i am a very discusting person, a huge liar.
I just don’t understand why the hell he made a huge mess out of it, i mean i agree honesty is the best policy but was it that bad to lie but confess after 3 weeks….or maybe he couldn’t stand the thought that someone else has touched me and all….he is a uk born guy but i don’t know his mentality whether it is broad or narrow. he once said on the phone few days back that you lied, you could had told me all this after 10 years…i mean me lying was that huge??? instead of understanding why i had to lie, becasue it was an arranged marriage and there were 2 families involved, but nah he got stuck with his point that i lied.
i really have to let my past go, it is NOTHING, i am just making it huge.
i have to stop thinking about it, no one is perfect.
and the point is that i lied myself in the beginning that i ahve been with no guy and all, i didn’t give him a chance to ask me anything related to bf’s n all…though this is what i had thought in the beginning that an online bf is nothing for 2 months and that doc thingy just a stupid mistake….but idk why i felt bad and told, maybe because it was gonna be a reason to see his DEVIL side, otherwise i was gonna agree to him all the time and everything was gonna go perfect, i was gonna marry him and i have no idea what kinda future i was gona have. but i am glad that i had to pay the price of insulting myself but i am rid of this double faced jerk!! i didn’t lose anything he did.
and my family still loves me as the same, i don’t even have to feel guilt or shame, they never make me, i have an amazing family.
and yeah he made me think as if i am a horrible person.
he said some men might accept your past but no men can accept a lie…..i guess if men can accept the past they can also forgive the girl who confessed after a while…but at least don’t present yourself as the best and others as sh!t.
i am gonna stop thinking about my past those tiny 2 mistakes r nothing.
and yeah i have not been with any man. no love relationship or anything..i am just gonna let these 2 mistakes rot in hell…just think them as mistakes that’s all.