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hughes.gra's Top (5) Replies by other users' votes

• (3 votes) …
  

  Snar - don’t stress too much about it. You have a curse similar to mine - a great awareness of the futility of so much of life. For me, its not life generally, which I enjoy, its mostly the constructs that we’ve created as society. The seriousness people take in so much of what they feel is important, but really is transitory and fleeting.
  
  Even today - 20 years after graduating from college - I look around at my friends who are deep in the thick of careers in finance, law or other professions. And while I sometime envy the respect society accords them as ‘professionals,’ when I really think about what they do all day, well, I yawn. Its boring. When I hear about all the strategy meetings they have to analyze this or that, I can’t help but think ‘what a waste of energy.’ So much of it is pointless. I do try hard not to slip into nihilism, but it is tough to escape the fact that we are just racing toward death. So why have a heart attack early because some project or another is due. No one will care or remember in 50 years. And I hate to break it to everyone. 50 years after you die, no one will even remember you. They’ll likely be dead too.
  
  That said, you do have to live in this world. Look, I’ve had a great 18 year career in higher education and prior to that in the art world. I found a niche that I enjoyed - tolerably well and that I thought had a purpose - educating others. I think what might help is just accepting that so much of life is bull. It really is. If you accept it and embrace it you know what? It is incredibly liberating. You find you don’t waste time on the small junk that bogs everyone else done. Then try to find something that gives what short time you have here some meaning. Help others make it through. You’ll find your happiness and feel free too.
  
  - written 1 month, 3 weeks ago – voted for by chunkymove, Snar, Jigoku Shoujo

• (2 votes) I hate school should i drop out?
  

  Absolutely not. Do yourself a favor and read the paper. Heard about all the unemployment and problems people are having finding jobs? Do you think you will enhance or diminish your chances to find work if you drop out? Never do anything to limit your opportunities. Life is a pain. School can seem worthless, but its actually not what you learn that so important. By doing well you are showing future employers that you have the skills necessary to problem solve, retain and process information, conduct research and form conclusions based on empirical evidence, and analyze things critically.
  
  Let me tell you your future if you do drop out: a lifetime of living paycheck to paycheck, minimum wage jobs and manual labor, cheap housing, higher rates of disease particularly obesity and diabetes, bad teeth, broken down cars, and limited options for a mate. All the good looking, smart, motivated kids marry each other. Do you really want that? Honestly. Flipping burgers might sound fine when you’re 18, but 60?
  
  - written 1 month, 2 weeks ago – voted for by Morally Ambiguous JD, weallloveleed

• (1 vote) Will my Dad realise when he left he really hurt me?
  

  I think so. My dad left when I was 11. Now I’m 42. It took a long time but by my mid to late 20’s I was able to come to terms with why he did it. It helps as you get older and have some relationships of your own, then you realize why it might have been that your parents split up. It helped me forgive him and have rational conversations about why he left with him when I was older. It was important to understand his side of things as well and I came to appreciate them as an adult.
  
  What isn’t fair is when one parent completely moves on, starts another family and then seems to forget about you. I know from experience that hurts. What’s important though is to allow yourself some time to grieve and feel sorry. But don’t let it consume you.
  
  - written 1 month, 1 week ago – voted for by M.y.a

• (1 vote) what type of help do you offer?
  

  We offer sugar and honey, but no money.
  
  - written 1 month, 3 weeks ago – voted for by ~LazyDaze~

• (1 vote) College help im going out of my mind!
  

  There are a host of small schools on the east coast that you might like. i would focus your search on liberal arts colleges which tend to have high quality teaching and smaller, more intimate classes, and more individualize attention and counseling.
  
  Here are a few: Williams and Amherst at the top of the heap. Then, schools such as Vassar, Smith, Wellesley, Weslyan. Then schools such as Bowdoin, Hamilton, Alfred.
  
  The above is not meant to be exhaustive, just a sampling. Go to a bookstore and look at Peterson Guide to Colleges or Insider’s Guide to the Best Colleges. Do some research. Google, best US Liberal Arts Schools. Peterson and some online references will give you parameters as to what these schools expect in terms of grades, class ranks, SAT’s etc…
  
  That will get you started, but the most important thing is to pay a visit. Make a trip back east and set up 10-12 schools to visit and then spend a week going around to get a feel for each one. Each school has regular admissions tours and information sessions. Check their websites for details.
  
  Here is the good news. The fact that you have a 4.0, are taking multiple AP’s, AND are from Alaska are all very good. Schools look for geographic diversity and your hometown is also a factor. Get your SAT’s up, and be sure to write an amazing essay that distinguishes you from the pack. Remember, when applying to a top school, everyone else is going to have great credentials as well. So, your extra-curriculars can often set you apart. Do you volunteer? Have you started a food bank or done something else worthwhile in your community. How will you contribute to the school community if they let you in.
  
  PS - I worked in higher ed for 15 years at a ‘brand name’ school, so know of what I write.
  
  - written 1 month, 4 weeks ago – voted for by smile :D

Last 5 Replies – All 189 replies »

• I know I should be thankful I have a job but…
  

  I think what would be helpful to know is what are your long term goals. Do you simply need a job (i.e. a means to earn a living and help support your family) or do you seek a career - and have ambitions to move up? How old are you by the way?
  - written 5 days, 2 hours ago

• Hi, just want to find out what to do or how to react
  

  Hi, as someone who lost my partner to a tragic young death many years ago, follow this advice:
  
  Do not say ‘you understand’ Every death and experience of death is unique and even if you have also lost a spouse, this is patronizing. Also please don’t say something like “It will get better” or something cliche like “time heals all wounds”
  
  Just simply say, “I am so sorry for you. I can’t even imagine the type of pain you are suffering, but I love you and am here to help in anyway you need.”
  
  Then, just listen and be present. A lot. The early weeks will be pretty bad and in fact she is in for a rough ride for about a year. It usually takes one whole cycle of birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and then the anniversary of the actual death to really see some major improvement.
  
  One piece of advice. Everyone will be there for her for the first month, hovering around her, giving condolences, but after that people begin to disappear. Life goes one. That is the worst. That is when you feel really alone. People justify it by saying things like - “She probably needs time alone” Frankly, I always advise people dealing with another’s grief that the most important time to be available is the 2nd to the 6th months when everyone else has packed up and moved on.
  
  Listen, sometimes she will want to be alone. Sometimes she will want to talk about it, reminisce, express regrets for fights they had or some silly disagreement. Sometimes she will be mute with grief. What you should do is as the tears wear off and she goes into a sort of numb stage. Be available. I had one friend who was a constant companion. Often we didn’t do anything but go for a coffee and talk about a million little things, sometimes nothing, but having another person present was helpful. She will feel incredibly lonely even with you there. But having you in the house, even not saying anything will be a source of comfort. At some point begin taking her to movies. Lots of movies. Even tear jerkers believe it or not. Once the tears dry up they provide some release for your emotions. They also focus your attention and keep your mind from wandering too much. Have her over for dinner - a lot. Let her broach the subject of his death if she wants, otherwise be kind and thoughtful in what you discuss but get clues from her.
  
  That is the best advice I can give.
  - written 2 weeks, 1 day ago

• So I came home from work 5 days ago and my fiancee of 2 months informed me that she can longer marry me.
  

  Her behavior is a bit contradictory and there may or may not be anything to decode in what she is doing. You can only be responsible for your own behavior and actions.
  
  So, speak to her and force her hand. Tell her you love her and want to actively address the issues you all discussed in your late night meeting. As a sign of commitment tell her you want to see a couples counselor beginning asap and outline a proactive series of steps to work through the problems. Do you research in advance and come to the conversation with at least one recommendation of a professional to show you are serious.
  
  If she signs on and agrees then you’ve got something to salvage. If she grows distance, recommend no further communication for a while and real separation. Otherwise things are just muddied and its hard to assess the situation with a clear head.
  - written 2 weeks, 4 days ago

• My psychiatrist usually asks me certain questions so he can evaluate how I think about things from my answers.
  

  Her response would be either A. a computer game or B. I don’t know. It would have been A. if she simply believed the packaging and had no reason to doubt that a computer game was NOT inside the case. It would have been B. if she believed she was being tested in some way and was a natural skeptic.
  
  HOw would she have know there was a star inside unless she was shown the inside of the package prior to making her guess.
  - written 2 weeks, 6 days ago

• How does calling people out as racists, in turn make me a racist?
  

  He or she is upset about their misinformed posting on US funding for Indian reservations. I did not call you a racist. I suggested your post which made a blanket statement about an entire group of people leaned pretty close to it however.
  
  Now, I do suspect though that you are also the type of person who drives are car. Perhaps you also have children. Well, I live in a major metropolitan area and do not drive, nor do I have a car. I also rent an apartment - happily - and do not own a house. Chances are your car is driving on roads funded by my tax dollars, your snotty nosed children are attending school funded in part by the tax dollars of your neighbors - some of whom are childless, and if you take a mortgage deduction on your taxes for your primary residence, that is a subsidy that must be covered by other folks, like me, in our tax payments.
  
  If you need more examples, I am happy to give them to you,. But my point is that life is full of examples where one person benefits from another’s tax burden and yet does not reap any benefits directly. It is known as a “social contract”. I’ll keep paying to build and maintain your roads and other tax dollar supported goodies - libraries, schools, bridges, mortgage deductions, etc…. and maybe one day you’ll agree to support full funding of mass transit, gay marriage, universal health care and other things important to me. You see. We live in a large diverse country with lots of competing interests and priorities. What is important to you may not be important to me or vis versa, but we make a social contract to fund certain things for the greater good.
  - written 2 weeks, 6 days ago

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