Dalek Karan's shoutbox - Help.com

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Faaackinell”.

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.”

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockport boots

Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry Alco-pop. ‘Where are you bleeding from?’ they asked.

“ROMFORD” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?

An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I

endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three

‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and

the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of

course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement

which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be

commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for

debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused

to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has

caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and

letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,

overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a fl esh-and-blood

person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no

longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed

personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must

nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person

to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your

chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in

order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,

there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her

medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory

details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and

liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she

must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than

28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses

required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press

buttons as follows:

1– To make an appointment to see me.

2– To query a missing payment.

3– To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4– To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5– To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6– To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7– To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer

is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to

the Authorized Contact.)

8– To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9– To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put

on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While

this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play

for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an

establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

***************************

Addendum from The Editor:

IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a lady who is a 98

year old woman; DOESN’T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!?

A bloke is driving home with his girlfriend when he gets pulled over by the law.

The police officer approaches him and asks, “Have you been drinking Sir?”

“No, why?” he replies “Was I weaving?”.

“No,” replies the cop, “You were driving okay, it was just the fat ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious”.

Thank you.

THANK YOU KARAN.

this reminds me of you ;)

I just wanted to say that every time I try to say your user name, either in my head or out loud, it comes out “Darrek Kalen” So, I guess you’re a dude now. Sorry about that.

you are special at at help.

thanks karan .i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

i want to make you friend. what should i do?

Awesome suggestion to the older person.
xoxox

Yay!!! You’re on my friends list. Thank you x

As soon as you accept the invite I sent you :)

This site has rules, just like everything else in life.

I’ll be flagging the posts if and when I come across them. You’ve been notified.

If you force yourself to read posts you don’t like, don’t blame anyone else for it and stop making those ugly comments because nobody is forcing you to do that either.

YOU force yourself then.

How is someone making a post you never have to read forcing anything???

What you don’t realize is I DO love you, regardless of your faults, flaws and shortcomings.

That has nothing to do with flagging those outrageously rude posts you make. You really seem to have a beef with God. You’re entitled to that, but you’re not entitled to be rude and nasty to people who love Him or anyone else for that matter. It IS a violation of the terms of service for this site when you do that.

You can be respectful of anyone, anywhere regardless of their faith or lack of, the same way I’m always respectful towards you.

I enjoy those posts, which is what draws me to them. If the mention of God bothers you, which it obviously does, I encourage you NOT to read those posts at all. Why do that to yourself? I’ve seen you be nice, encouraging and uplifting towards people. Why not just stick to posts you can handle?

I won’t be stalking you at all, but if you show up on a post I’m reading and make those discouraging, nasty comments, I’m flagging them.

Dalek….what you wrote is like the answer to the #1 question asked on this site. You should write a book called “wake up dummy” or something. Really.

Mind if I use what you said in a post? I want to ask “how do you feel about this statement?” and then post the one about boys not even knowing their in a relationship.

That’s the truest thing you ever wrote, man lol

Mind if I use what you said in a post? I want to ask “how do you feel about this statement?” and then post the one about boys not even knowing their in a relationship.

That’s the truest thing you ever wrote, man lol

I just updated my Post it was my bad there is a differant link for the UK read the bottom of my post where I edited it it has a direct link for people in the UK Sorry. Now try it..

Let me know if that worked for you!

Hey Dalek Karan.. I apologize for editing your post. I never would do that, but there was a troll on last night saying horrible things about users and mods. I thought that would give the troll more fuel for hate. It was a mess ..Something to keep in mind is to always ignore a troll, just flag the post.. Again, sorry…

Hey Dalek Karan.. I apologize for editing your post. I never would do that, but there was a troll on last night saying horrible things about users and mods. I thought that would give the troll more fuel for hate. It was a mess ..Something to keep in mind is to always ignore a troll, just flag the post.. Again, sorry…

Her

scorned banned user

I lead a pretty boring life all year round now!

Nobody likes the cold & wet, t doesn’t do our body’s any favours.

It’s been really windy here today & loads of hail stones, the car got blown to one side at 95mph, that wasn’t good :/

Yes it really was, it looked really convincing, I was very pleased with it.

I let him in on it eventually, he was very relieved he didn’t have to spend a day with the fishing instructor :)

Been up to much?

Heya, hows it going?
Hope all’s well x

Doing ok thanks! How’s things with you?

troll alert.. do not feed :o)

Thanx, sooo tired of the what group are you in, so I can give you a label.

Whaaa! That was top secret! No I do not think the next Doctor will be a woman. Ok so are you aware POwer of the Daleks, Web of Fear and Marco Polo are among 50 plus episodes to be recovered/

SPOILER ALERT: The last story of the next Dr Who season will feature the first Doctor and susan

Thank you. ☺

There is. Give somebody a hug. Friend. Family. Stranger… It doesn’t matter. It will make a difference.

I am unable to access a few accounts. Whenever I clean my computer it kicks me off the site and I have to open a new account. I think I have four or five with a name close to Dr. Ralph and the same Club avatar.

http://help.com/post/575345-im-lookin…

so did you like christmas doctor who?

Dalek Karan wrote:

Dalek Karan wrote:
Have you copped them to your (MacBook Pro)?

Why did I get the message?
Your reply has been added, however it is in moderation right now. Please wait for admin approval.

Because of that stupid ad at the bottom. I asked PF about it too. Dont worry, its not actually going into moderation.

thanks, just thought id spread the yorkshire pudding love

Sending you peace, happiness and smiles. :)

Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an “F”
in Arithmetic today.
“Why?” asks his father.
“The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2 x 3?’ I said “6″.
“But that’s right,” said his father.
“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3 x 2?’
“What’s the fu**ing difference?” asks his father.
“That’s what I said!”

I’ve yet to watch the originals, I’ve only seen the newer stuff, though after watching the newer, the older are certainly on my list now.

:D
Just so were clear to, the previous Doctor was my favorite, hate the new guy, his lips look all sorts of weird.

I’d like to be your friend if you’ll allow me.

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, “Well, I’ll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!”
“Don’t worry, ma’am,” replied the clerk. “With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom, you’ll be home in no time.”

A wealthy ninety years old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor. The advisor is very excited and tells the old man. “ I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!”
“Five years? Are you kidding?” exclaims the old man. “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”