linuxya's reply history at Help.com

I don’t know if these are possibilities:

1. schedule a meeting with whoever is in charge of your child support case and explain the situation… try to work out some other kind of solution… maybe convert that arrears to another garnishment

2. try to find an employer who knows you and trusts you as a person… a personal connection or rapport would go a long way to helping you get past their doubts… work on developing that kind of connection through social groups, friends, family etc. Find some way to get a long stretch of driving privileges with no interruption

That sounds tough… it certainly illustrates the downside of government trying to “punish” people into compliance, particularly where the punishment destroys the ability to comply. It reminds me of how debts used to be a crime punishable by imprisonment… and prisons would fill up with debtors and their families because no one could work to pay off the debt.

I can see the point of view of the employers. They can’t afford to depend on someone who may at any time lose their driving privileges.

Here are some crazy ideas:

1. Move to a state where they can’t take your license away for nonpayment of child support
2. Change your job to a non-driving job
3. Take out a loan to pay off the child support arrears and get free of them and then work out a payment plan for the loans you can manage

Sorry I can’t help more

It may not be as much of a surprise to them as you may think.

That’s not to say they may not be fantasizing about some other scenario.

We all disappoint our parents in some way and to be honest, I’ve discovered that our own parents are often still trying to get approval from THEIR parents. It’s a hilarious chain of silliness.

The key thing to consider is that we focus too much of our energy trying to get approval and acceptance from others when we don’t give approval and acceptance to ourselves. And then we blame others for not giving to us what we don’t give ourselves.

In my life, I’ve basically taken the position that if they want to interact with me, they have to respect my choices. I don’t seek approval from them or any other kind of resource so they have no hold over me. If they want to participate in my life, great. If they want to criticize something, they can do so out of my presence.

All anger comes out of fear.

All bullying comes out of fear.

When you get angry, you get a surge of hormones that make you feel powerful. People can even get “addicted” to that feeling of power and go into rages regularly to feel it.

If you address the fear directly, the anger disappears.

I realize people don’t believe this but it’s true. I’ve turned bullies into friends in a matter of minutes by simply dealing with their fear directly. I’ve also recognized my own bad habits, presumably from being raised by a bully, and I’ve learned to accept and address the underlying fears directly rather than turn to anger. Still a work in progress.

The biggest shifts you need to make in your thinking are as follows:

1. Look outside yourself. As long as you believe you are a special victim that no one cares about or understands, you will have a miserable life. When you realize and embrace the concept that EVERYONE is socially afraid and all human behaviour comes out of those fears… you realize you can easily make friends by easing other people’s fears instead of worrying about your own insecurities. Everyone just wants to feel accepted and all the stupid things they do come out of the fear of rejection.

2. You are part of a system. You are not an individual in pain who no one cares about. You are one person in a community of persons who are all afraid. The actions you take can help ease others’ fears. And in turn, they will ease yours. Your actions within the system or community increase or decrease the level of fear in the system, and increase or decrease how constructively people deal with those fears. This gives you a piece of control… you can experiment with your influence on others. This will transform you from victim into community participant. Often the change is so significant people will think you are outgoing… when only weeks before you thought you were an isolated loner

3. There is no such thing as BEING a loner or social outcast. You may be ACTING like one, but you cannot BE one. People who are “loners” are resorting to isolation to cope with their fears. And at times when those fears become too big, they may switch to rage. THis is just the natural fight/flight reaction to anxiety controlled by your brain. The only difference between a “loner” and a “people person” is the way they handle the anxiety they both share. One runs away from it. The other accepts it and focuses and lowering anxiety in others to create friendships.

You can have a far better life… there is a richness in community and communication that I realize is hard to see or acknowledge right now. But I assure you it’s there… and the only thing standing between you and energizing interactions is practising your social skills.

See “How to start a conversation and make friends” by Don Gabor.

You should go to a genetic counsellor. They’ll sit with you and your partner and walk you through all that stuff. THere’s probably one at your local hospital.

I did it once many moons ago but to be honest I was just looking for any excuse to avoid having kids.

You need to work your way up slowly.

Programs like those found at “The Running Room” are very helpful. They set an overall goal distance say 9 weeks out. THen they start you at much shorter distances with a combination of walking and running.

For instance, depending on your fitness level, you might walk for three minutes and run for one. Or you might run for five minutes and walk for one. And keep repeating the cycle until you completed the distance. If your target was 8k, you might start with the walk/run for say 3k and work your way up 10-20% per week, and running for longer times between walks.

The process worked well for me years ago. I went from couch potato to comfortably running 5k and 10k races. I did a half marathon last year.

It’s essential to take a slow, graduated approach or you will (a) get sick; and (b) get hurt. In my group we met “experienced” runners who admitted they had gone through many cycles of training too hard, then crashing and burning and having to restart later.

It’s also essential to eat properly and rest properly. I used to go for a long run, do stretches with the group, then go back for a shower and a nap.

I would strongly recommend against running for long periods many times during the week. Training programs may have you running 3-4 times per week but they are different types of runs… slow distance, short faster (tempo), etc.

Don’t run yourself into the ground!

Oh, and buy decent shoes and have someone who knows what they are doing watch you walk in them to ensure they work properly for your feet.

Probably best to back up all your data files, then completely wipe and reinstall your operating system… and setup your firewall and antispyware.

Think very hard about the possibility that you know the person doing this, perhaps very well, and they may have direct access to your computer or at least sent you email with infected attachments.

Watch the movie “Life of Brian” and think about the likelihood that Jesus was the leader of a cult or splinter group from Judaism. The Jews are still waiting for their messiah… it makes sense that some people would get impatient.

Consider the common roots for the world’s main religions… and the factions even within those religions: Judaism, Islam, and Christianity have their different segments and they interpret even the same events and historical people in very different ways.

ok, here are some hard truths.

1. This social anxiety thing is a crutch. Stop using it as an excuse. EVERYONE IS ANXIOUS. We all have different ways of coping with it. Stop thinking you are somehow special in this regard. FOCUS ON MAKING OTHER PEOPLE FEEL LESS ANXIOUS whenever you are socializing…. and you will find you have lots of friends.

2. Instead of fearing you are getting pity attention… FOCUS ON BEING AN INTERESTING PERSON. Yeah… go live life. Enjoy it. Take risks. Do stuff. Go to meetup.com and find social groups in your area. Be interesting. People will naturally want to spend time with you.

See, the problem here is you make yourself into this big victim with this big excuse of social anxiety. Then you complain about not feeling that people’s attention is real. Just go make an interesting life for yourself and stop making excuses.

Anxiety is not an illness. It is not a disease. It is not an acceptable excuse to be a passive victim. Anxiety is a natural state. The more you give in to anxiety, the more you teach your brain that giving up and isolating are the only source of relief. The more you take risks and face your anxious feelings and do stuff anyway, the more you reprogram your brain to seek rewards by doing things instead of avoiding things.

All this over-analysis of what your friends did or didn’t do is a waste of time. You’re blaming them for feeling bad? They are not responsible for your feelings or making you feel good. They have their own lives and issues.

So concentrate on being a source of energy for yourself and others.

yep.

This is what you do to end a panic attack:

- welcome the fear
- dare the fear to do its worst

The panic goes away.

The mistake most people make is to fear the panic and try to make the panic go away, The more you try to control the panic, the worse you make it. People think they’re having heart attacks or they’re going to do some huge humiliating thing and they just amp up their anxiety higher and higher.

As crazy as it sounds, simply accepting the panic and welcoming it and daring it to do its worst actually makes it go away. Instead of getting sucked into the fear, you rise above it and see it for what it is… a sensation caused by chemicals in your brain. It doesn’t actually mean anything.

Never get sucked into that silly romantic belief that “feelings” actually are some objective measure of truth of something and have to be overanalyzed. Feelings lie. All the time. Anxiety is no reflection of any great truth. It’s just your cave man brain setting off the alarm signals and there could be any number of reasons for it… lack of sleep, blood sugar drop, caffeine over dose, or just plain old-fashioned apprehension.

A major symptom of anxiety is simplifying the world into artificial extremes.

If anything, it’s a warning signal. Reduce the anxiety and suddenly your brain functions better (yes, there is neuroscience behind this).

I strongly encourage people to meet in person in social groups, not online dating.

The more you see different people interacting over time, the better you get to know them…. before you decide to date them.

Go to meetup.com and find social groups in your area. Better yet, join groups on your college campus. That’s what they are there for!

Interesting responses.

Personally, “God” is nothing but an impediment to family experience.

“God” means parents who reject basic values I embrace… tolerance, diversity, deep-thinking, science, rational thought, empirical decision-making…

“God” means a large physical distance between me and my “family” in order for me to enjoy my life, my friends, and the people I love, respect and care for.

I might define my “family” as those friends and the mutual compassion and support we share: I have hugged, listened, supported, shared, encouraged, advised, kidded, teased, laughed with, worked with friends and colleagues who have different religions, different sexual orientations, different politics…. But that definition of “family” doesn’t fit with the “God” definitions of family espoused by those with “family values”.

Some of us make our own “family”. Personally, I think “family” means the nature of your relationships with people, not some bloodline or religious definition.

Congratulations

Start practicing the oral exams…. even a few minutes a day.

This will help you reduce the huge anxiety you might be feeling. The more you face that feeling… the more you can manage it.

It’s anxiety.

When you let your anxiety hold you back from taking risks, you turn yourself into a passive victim. Depression is the natural progression.

You need to start taking tiny risks in life. If you’re in really bad shape, taking a tiny risk could be as simple as getting dressed and going for a walk every morning for 15 minutes.

Remember that anxiety focuses the brain on looking for threats. That does not mean that life is any worse or scary than it ever was. It just means your brain is looking for everything bad to justify the anxiety.

The way to overcome anxiety is to plunge into activities instead of over-thinking them. Push yourself to breathe deeply (anxiety makes you breathe more shallowly). Push yourself to do even the tiniest step towards accomplishing all those things you are afraid of.

Focus on taking things one step at a time. Just focus on those little steps and congratulate yourself for each one you accomplish.

There is no other solution. That’s good in that the fix is cheap and easy in time.