2013-02-05 18:27:18 on does anyone have tips or ideas for traveling with your lover?
This is a great question.
I think there are a couple of things that might help.
1. Recognize the role of basic biology in causing problems: whenever someone is edgy (you or the other), be sure you stop, take a break, have a nourishing snack and a rest. I think 50% of all problems come from low blood sugar.
2. Give each other permission to take time off from each other. Even a little break. Just going for a walk for an hour or two, getting away from each other to get perspective back, can really help. Don’t take it personally.
3. Develop some rules for fighting. No personal attacks. As soon as you realize you’re fighting, force yourself to ask the other person to state their view first. Then when they are done, make sure you can express their view back to them to their satisfaction. And then demand your right to be heard in return.
4. Don’t blow things out of proportion. Fights are normal and the worst thing anyone can do is project way out into the future that the relationship is doomed because you got snippy with each other.
5. Try to stay humble and see the humour in everything.
2013-02-05 18:22:30 on So here’s a question for all the Christians on here…
My grandfather was a preacher and my mother was highly religious. But I found that actually reading the Bible in church instead of listening to the sermons really opened my eyes to how goofy religion was. If anything, the Bible made it easy to be an atheist. Not only is it full of contradictions, but it’s also full of some pretty random, arbitrary and horrific violence, discrimination and general nastiness. What I found with preachers is they only preach the bits they agree with and conveniently ignore the rest of it.
2013-02-05 18:18:24 on FIVE DATING LIES WOMEN TELL THEMSELVES
Um… if you’re always finding the wrong women, you’re obviously looking in the wrong places.
Awhile after my first wife died, I had co-workers telling me how hard it was to find someone, and how they were still looking and having no luck, and making all kinds of broad generalizations about who was “out there”.
Well, I had no trouble not only finding my second wife, but dating a number of other great women before that.
2013-02-05 18:16:11 on My crush keeps asking if I like him?
Stop playing games. Tell him if he wants to ask you out to just go ahead and do it.
2013-02-05 18:14:26 on Valentines Day is coming up….
Tell him what you want.
Most guys prefer to know what you want rather than guess.
2013-02-04 19:53:58 on I hate my self and am at the point of killing my s
[quote Patterson.stephen9]On top of my problems Im 18 A guy took me down playing and my knee cracked so I might not walk properly for my life[/quote]
So that’s fear, not reality. There are guys out there who have no legs who walk fine on prosthetics.
2013-02-04 19:52:42 on I’ve started to wonder if I’m ready to post the real reason I came back here.
Well maybe you’ve given up and run away already.
Sheesh… you started here 6 months before I did. Wow. Oldtimer!
I have to disagree that we’re born for a reason. I can’t imagine any force in the universe that sits around coming up with a reason for all 7,000,000,000 people on the world to exist. There’s no fate, no rhyme or reason to the universe. You are free to do as you like for the reasons you like and without having to account to anyone you don’t care to account to.
Free yourself up! You sound like you feel trapped.
2013-02-04 19:46:47 on I hate my self and am at the point of killing my s
[quote Patterson.stephen9]I have so much going on I think suicide is the best option[/quote]
Well, it all depends on how you frame your problem. If you believe your pain is overwhelming and you don’t think you can handle it, then suicide seems like the ultimate escape.
The thing is, when the mind is paralyzed with anxiety and desperate for escape, it’s not really operating clearly.
I’ve had suicidal feelings plenty of times. A friend killed himself many many years ago. And a neighbour. However, I realize that my emotions lie to me constantly. My emotions lie about how big a problem is, they lie about what others think of me, they lie about how bad things will be or how bad they are… my emotions lie all the time. Because I obviously have some sort of anxiety disorder.
Consider that your anxiety and suicidal feelings are like wearing eyeglasses with distorting lenses… you can’t see reality because it’s distorted. Instead, you have to recognize the distortion and work around it.
2013-02-04 19:39:44 on I hate my self and am at the point of killing my s
All hatred comes from fear.
So whenever you feel hate, ask yourself what you are afraid of.
Fears are easier to handle than hate. Fears relate to believing a problem is bigger than you can handle. There are two ways to address that. First, make the problem smaller by breaking it into pieces. Second, improve your skills for handling the issue by taking a course, joining a support group, reading a book, practising the skill.
2013-02-04 19:38:01 on I’ve started to wonder if I’m ready to post the real reason I came back here.
[quote November_Rain]I sometimes feel like I’ve already fulfilled my purpose. I do believe we are all born for a reason, different links in different chains. But sometimes I feel my chain is fully forged, and now I carry it onward, not knowing why.
I can’t talk to the people involved, because, well, they are the people involved. And I’m sort of leaning towards the idea that I’m wrong, so if I talked to them without some kind of direction first, then things would just be tangled up even more. *sigh*
Let’s start with my wife. Long and short of it? I love her, but I no longer like her. We are not friends, we are more like roommates. My best friend? Well, that was my boss, who lost her job due to ‘downsizing’ about a month ago. And I have been unable to reach her for several days, leading me to believe she doesn’t want to talk to me. 3 voicemails in 7 days, no reply. Something is up there. I didn’t say anything to her to make her feel weird, I don’t think, but still. We were trying to make plans for me to go over and tune her piano. No, that is not a euphemism for something.
So I’m sure you will all now want to talk about my wife. I don’t wanna.[/quote]
Well, I’ve had friends who lost jobs and then never wanted to talk to me. Don’t take it personally. Sometimes when you face a catastrophe, you just want to avoid anyone who reminds you of it.
As for your wife… well, you gotta go back and ask yourself what drew the two of you together in the first place. What was it that got you excited about each other. And now what’s changed about that. It’s possible you’ve grown apart, matured differently. It’s possible you chose someone for bad reasons and no longer need that. It’s also possible you just forgot how to make romance happen… by creating special circumstances, by playing a stereotypical male role and by encouraging her to play a stereotypical female role… (the lizard brain does not grok feminism).
2013-02-04 19:34:41 on Question about what to do with my tax return.
On the one hand, it’s kind to pay off his loans.
On the other hand, if he has a free ride in life, he might not learn the value of a dollar and paying off debts. A free truck and insurance sounds pretty generous to me.
2013-02-04 19:23:21 on I want to die I’m done I want the pain and memories
You know, the worst thing about depression is it has us believing that we need some external source of help to get us through this. And yet the entire reason for our suicidal thoughts and depression is that very giving up control to external forces, feeling like there’s nothing WE can do, and that someone else must do something for us.
The reason a decision for suicide can feel so go is that it is a bold, concrete action, a plan to DO SOMETHING with concrete results, to do something that feels within our grasp. And yet, if we choose to make a different bold, concrete action, one that does not end our life but pushes us in some new direction… we could feel strength there as well… and even remember our own power to make changes, a power we’ve forgotten.
You can always put off suicide. No reason to debate the subject right now.
Instead, look at the reasons you are thinking suicidally. It comes down to a pressure deep inside you that makes you think “NOTHING IS OK, I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING RIGHT NOW TO FIX IT, NOTHING WILL FIX IT, SO I HAVE TO DIE”
Let’s break that down into pieces:
1. NOTHING IS OK - well.. you are literate, self-aware, educated, kind, and you have access to the Internet. So there are lots of OK things. Plus you seem open to figuring things out.
2. I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING RIGHT NOW TO FIX IT - this is anxiety taking hold; when you are anxious you feel like you must immediately act; this is just a FEELING… doesn’t mean anything at all… it’s your brain’s warning system going off like a faulty smoke alarm… so take out the battery of that faulty smoke alarm and relax for a minute
3. NOTHING WILL FIX IT - the most common answer to any advice is “I tried and it didn’t work.” If you back away from your problems for a bit, you see that EVERYONE has faced similar issues (for me, death of wife, fired from job, business failure, severe anxiety problems, angry father, cold mother, etc etc etc) but we all find a way to cope with our anxieties eventually based on experience, reading, learning, etc. There are plenty of simple fixes out there for you.
- focus on others
- focus on being a positive influence for others (even if it’s smiling at them — it can brighten their whole day if they are feeling as crappy as you!)
- plenty of exercise, decent food, avoiding stimulants/narcotics/depressants/sugar/caffeine/etc.
- create tiny goals and PERSIST with them until you achieve them; celebrate (even if it’s doing the laundry) then move on to the next one… ALWAYS CELEBRATE EVERY TINY THING YOU DO RIGHT! Get in the habit of it!
4. SO I HAVE TO DIE - know where this comes from? when you get into the habit of giving up on things… giving up on what you want, giving up on your goals, giving up on people… then eventually the only thing left to give up on his life. But like I said… the key is to stop giving up on stuff. Make your goals smaller until they are tiny and achievable… and work your way up
Contentment is not the absence of problems… contentment is maintaining your integrity and being a positive influence for others while coping with life’s INEVITABLE challenges.
I’ve felt suicidal countless times. I lost a friend to suicide. You don’t need to continue down this road, friend. A brighter future is waiting.
2013-02-04 19:17:23 on I’ve started to wonder if I’m ready to post the real reason I came back here.
I’ve written and deleted my own post a bunch of times tonight. Sometimes it’s hard to give ourselves permission to ask for help. Sometimes it seems too much to just want to talk things through with a dispassionate stranger.
Emotions don’t respect objective measures of life. My own life should have me singing in the streets… and yet certain terrors drain me dry.
Share away and try to get what you need.
2013-02-04 18:18:38 on I am beginning to rethink my relationship with my boyfriend of three years.
[quote Another Rose]I’m not saying she’s “unable” to make commitments, but just suggesting that it sounds like she doesn’t WANT to. No judgement here.[/quote]
Yup. Just because some guy is nice etc etc doesn’t mean she should stick around if it’s not working for her.
Your dad is a bully. Only bullies attack and put people down like that.
And bullies are people who beat up others… because of their own fears. So there is something your father is terrified of, and he’s taking his fear out on you with the yelling.
Obviously, he’s treating you badly. My own father put a huge amount of pressure on me. When I didn’t want to do a homework assignment, he once put his fist through the wall. Yeah. Really. Another time I didn’t want to keep practising a speech. So he said, “To hell with you then.” Nice, huh?
Now I realize he’s just a very weak, frightened man who couldn’t cope with his own strong fears… fears about his own lack of achievement, and fears that his kid wouldn’t be some kind of superstar.
Please don’t let your dad screw up your life. And please don’t let your sister bully you the way your father does.
Don’t you have anyone to talk to? Your mom? A grandparent? Someone who is not a bully?