Please help me.
Hello. Please allow me to start by saying how much I appreciate that you are taking the time to read this. I can imagine how busy you are.
In 1973 I was three years old. This is the farthest back that I can remember being a female in my heart. I can still remember secretly dressing in my mother’s clothing at such a tender age. It is amazing how fast time flies by and still at 39 years old, I still feel like a woman inside, perhaps now more than ever, although I will say that in my early teens there was a period that I was really blossoming as a female. The feeling hasn’t gone away. I swore to myself when I was 16 years old that I would do whatever it takes to become truly female, to fix my body, to rid myself of this horrible testosterone poisoning. I swore that one day I would have HRT and SRS/GRS. I knew at that time of other successful transsexual people, both male and female. I desperately wanted to transition at that time and I still do.
But alas, life, stereotyping, discouragement by my mother, my grandmother, embarrassment, the Jerry Springer Show, and all that stuff, caused me to have a long period of suppression of my femininity. I have always been female inside but I hid it for a long time. I did what was expected of me by my family, by society, but I did this at a cost to my soul, my inner self, and so today I suffer immensely. But I was also forced in a way which I’ll explain shortly. The tale is a sad one to say the least. Read on if you dare…
In my mid twenties I fell into a deep depression over my gender and became addicted to Crack cocaine. I hit rock bottom after about 2 years of that and I am still recovering just from that. I am proud to say however, I have been 100% clean of Crack now, and all drugs, for 15 years plus; they are no longer a threat to me. After I hit rock bottom and came back to reality a bit, I met my lovely wife. She has helped me so much, and we love each other, live with each other, even today 15 years later! We are soul mates. She has also blessed me with a beautiful 15 year old step daughter named Samantha that I would not hesitate to lay my life down for.
Back to me…
When I was very young, perhaps ages 4-8, I was discouraged from acting like a girl. I was encouraged to “be more of a “man” bla bla bla. I was asked: “You don’t want to be a sissy do you?”! When I was ten years old I was molested by my mother’s boyfriend. It was horrible and that’s all I’m willing to say right now about that; I’d like to talk about it though with someone, sometime, I need to, I really do. I wish I could afford to keep seeing my councilor. I am desperate for that.
Like I said earlier, I was really starting to blossom in my early teens. During my ninth and tenth grades I attended a catholic high school. I had hated my boy’s uniform ever since 4th grade and I felt so out of place! I was always the last one picked in gym class and I was often called a “gay pussy” by my peers, both male and female. After school, and every chance I got, I made myself over. I bought makeup, shoes, and girly clothes too. I only have ever felt normal when I looked like a girl. It’s not a sexual thing though and it never was. I frequently went out in public dressed in pretty skirts and stuff like that. One day I was pulled over by two cops, gosh they harassed me a lot, I’m sure there’s a report somewhere. One day my mother came home from work early and caught me dressed. I was called a transvestite, a freak, I felt so humiliated and embarrassed, and she laughed at me. She laughed at me! I now know I’m not a transvestite and I’m not gay, as if it would matter anyway…it wouldn’t if I was would it? The reality is that I am simply a woman that has been born into the entirely wrong body.
In early high school, I was doing terrible and I had no friends. I was a C, D, and F student. Towards the end of my sophomore year my mother’s ex-boyfriend, the one that molested me when I was ten years old, wrote a letter to me apologizing and asking forgiveness for raping me. My mother found this letter one day while going through my dresser drawers. I never showed her intentionally; I was ashamed, and I still am about that incident. She confronted me on the issue; she had a real “hissy fit”. She said “this is why you have a gender identity crisis!” That was far from the truth and I know she must have known that. I have always been a girl inside since I was very little! She must have known; she had to have known! She just wanted someone to blame for my gender issue. For my 11th and 12th grades she sent me to an all boy’s military boarding school. She was trying to turn me more into a “man”, to cure me. I just wanted to die! I wanted to kill myself. I almost did one day with a .30 cal deer rifle during a holiday break when I was permitted to come home. It was all set but I was too scared to pull the trigger. I was afraid it would hurt too much, or that I might miss and just become a vegetable, or even worse, I would devastate my family. It seems that I always cared more about their feelings than my own. I still do, I think, but not so much that I am willing to further delay getting the help that I need so desperately.
Most recently when trying to gently bring up the topic of my gender with my mother, she angrily retorted to me “so you’re gay?” I immediately dropped the topic with her at that point and it has not been discussed with her since. I am very saddened about that.
My wife and daughter on the other hand know I am a woman inside. They have known for years. They both have helped me with my makeup, my clothes, my hair, and my mannerisms. They both accept me as female, and I have no reason to doubt that either of them would stick by my side through a complete transition. I love them both so much. My wife and daughter call me Leigh Ann =-)! I like that name a lot. I am blessed by God to have them. During the past year my mother has been up north and I have had time to blossom once more. I have pierced my ears and let my hair grow long. I feel really pretty and I despise having to pretend to be a man with the neighbors and friends that know me as such. I am so tired of living this lie that I pray would just end.
More about me…
Because of my depression over my gender I could not continue attending Penn State University. I flunked out. Needless to say I was not able to develop the skills that would facilitate a good career. I have worked and slaved all my life as a fry cook, telemarketer, carpet cleaner, stock person, and in other menial minimum wage positions. Life has knocked me down again and again and I refuse to stay down! …Read on.
In 2004 I decided to go back to school! In 2007 I earned my first degree, an Associate’s degree in Video Game Design. I graduated with honors and a 3.96 GPA. I made the National Dean’s List. I continued on, and to this day I am now pursuing my Bachelor’s degree in MIS (Management Information Systems). I have earned over 100 credits towards that goal and will graduate in spring 2011. I currently carry a 4.0 GPA towards that goal. I currently owe multiple thousands of dollars in school loans. I know that I cannot ever transition without having money to finance it. I know that counseling, HRT, SRS, and psychologists are very expensive. That is why when I graduate; I intend to continue on to earn my Master’s degree and then perhaps my PHD so that I can become a university professor. That is my dream job, my career goal. I want to help others and to make a living at it too. I know that with a job like that I could pay, and repay for my transition! For now I am obligated to attend school, I am currently a full time online student, while my wife works as a waitress to support our daughter and our household. She pays all the bills for now and we live “hand to mouth”. It is dismal.
Sometimes, all the time anymore, I feel like the road is too long. I feel like if I don’t continue my treatment, I will collapse. My score easily reaches 350-450 on the Cogiati-(check Google), …as if I need a dumb test to tell me that I am a woman. What I need is progress towards my transition. I cannot wait anymore. I need so badly to continue my counseling. I hate my facial hair more than my penis and I hate my penis with every fiber of my being. I’ve plucked my beard ten times and it still grows back. I wish I could at least start laser treatments so I can begin my RLT(Real Life Test). I hate my chest even though there’s not a single hair on it, I hate my body. It’s as if I was the victim of some cruel joke or punishment placed on me by nature. When I was little and said my bed time prayers, I prayed that I would wake up as I was supposed to be. Of course the nightmare never ended and testosterone has poisoned me to this day. I always buy 1 or 2 lottery tickets and pray to just win enough to continue the medical help that I need. That’s all I want. Sadly, I didn’t win yet.
With every ounce of my heart and soul I sincerely and openly write this letter. I beg for help. I would rather die than sell my body or commit a crime to finance my transition. The last thing in the world that I would ask is for your money. I do not want you to send your money to me. What I so pray for is to just get the medical help that I so desperately need. If you could help me with that I would be forever grateful and sincerely promise to pay you back after I graduate school and start my career as an educator.
As for my medical needs:
I need psychological counseling very badly. I started that but could not afford to continue. That is $100.00/1 hour session. I need to have this counseling at least once per month for at least a year before my councilor will consider writing the letter of recommendation for me. I would go every week if I could. I am really desperate for this as I also have some very serious other issues that have nothing to do with my gender. I need laser treatments only on my face so that I can begin my RLT (Real Life Test). Fortunately the rest of my body is pretty much hair free.
One day I would like to pursue HRT and SRS/GRS, but for now all I need is counseling and to have this horrible facial hair removed from my body.
If you would be willing to help me even slightly, I will provide the name, address and telephone number of my councilor. If you decide to help me, I would desire that you would do so directly with her, not me. I do not want your money even though I am facing losing my electric. I just am so desperate to continue my counseling and have my face fixed. That’s all I’m asking for. Please consider helping me if you can. Finally, if you are unable or unwilling I understand completely. May God bless you anyway for taking the time to read this, for your compassion, and your prayers. Please use my email address if you would be kind enough to consider helping me.
Where did you grow up?
Where do you live now?
Daytona Beach FL
What is the highest level of education you have attained?
4th year college
What subjects did/do you enjoy the most at school?
What's your favorite sport or sports?
What kinds of jobs have you held? Industries too!
various minimum wage jobs
What hobbies are you into?
What causes are you concerned about today?
Medical help / Counseling
If you claim a political party affliation, which is it?
Which religion (if any) do you follow?