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kalevolive's Top (4) Replies by other users' votes

• (1 vote) Love life..?
  

  Wow, let me just say that you are lucky, or blessed, or whatever you want to call it. You have been spared so much crap by not jumping in to things too young. First, if you’re still in High School, you might as well wait until you’re not since everyone leaves after HS, and the whole social dynamic changes drastically anyway. Next, I know it is flattering to be pursued by many guys, but most guys ask out anything with two legs. I’ll answer your problems one by one.
  First, the lack of experience isn’t a problem. That is a good thing. There is a very high likelyhood that you will get married, and have over 40 years for all the experience you want (and judging by gender stereotypes, your husband will probably want sex more often than you do). Find someone else who “lacks experience” and then you don’t have to be pressured and you can just enjoy how special first times can be. My personal recommendation, which I know many people won’t take, but which mine and other’s experience has proved time and time again, is to stop at kissing. Beyond that, things get cloudy and lots of people end up with someone who is not right for them just because they can’t see clearly.
  Next, I’m glad that you are nice. Instead of turning people down, you can choose them to be friends. This isn’t what they want, but since when have people ever known what is good for them or what will really make them happy? Realize that you are really doing something nice for them by offering your friendship (which you have much more experience with and are therefore much better at).
  Flirting is simply giving signals that show interest. All it means is to be nice and have an interesting conversation. People can add to this, but don’t worry about it if you don’t know you’re doing it. Basically, if you’re not giving them completely unnecessary compliments, asking really personal questions, touching them when you talk to them, or in some other way displaying obvious interest, you’re okay. There are people for whom it is flirting to talk to another person because they are normally very antisocial. People will just have to learn what is flirting for you and what is just you having a nice conversation.
  As for the unwanted attention, it happens. Just be clear with your intentions, don’t act in a way that would draw unwanted attention, and don’t worry about the rest. Sorry that there is little more you can do.
  See the point on flirting.
  The fact that he’s not available means he’s not perfect for you. If he becomes available, give him some time being single, ask people with more wisdom for any advice you need, and then get to know him and see where it goes. There are lots of guys out there though, and I guarantee you that there will be more than one guy who you think is perfect for you throughout the course of your life.
  Definitely don’t “practice” on the losers that ask you out. You don’t need practice. You are wonderful as you are now, and you don’t need to do anything to improve yourself. Any guy worth having will be elated to be with you, and if anything would much rather you practice with him than that you practiced with a lot of losers first.
  In general with everything romantic or sexual, I know many people who regret things they’ve done. I do not know many people who regret having waited. If you do the math, you are ideally going to get married and be with your husband for many many years. Waiting a few years (you’re 18, so realistically it probably will be a few years) is definitely worth making your marriage even a little bit better. A little bit better every day for forty years really adds up. This doesn’t mean to shun people, but the happiest couples I’ve seen are the one’s with the least “experience” and who have both learned to enjoy being single first.
  Hope this helps
  
  - written 4 years, 7 months ago – voted for by anongirl

• (1 vote) This past year has been a bit of a challenge for me…
  

  Congratulations, you’ve just had a life crisis! And you know what? You’re still here. You are right that things shouldn’t be so hard, but sometimes they are. Having your life come crashing down on you is definitely not fun. I’ve had that experience and hope not to do a repeat, ever. I can’t tell if you are missing something since I don’t know you, but I can share some things I know and perhaps they will be helpful.
  First, you need to get rid of worry. Worry is the number one cause of all problems. It is creating a problem that doesn’t currently exist. All problems are inherently mental, hence the saying “ignorance is bliss”, and things only become problems once you become aware of them. That’s why worrying isn’t just thinking about a possible problem, but creating one. You’ve already been through a lot, and it is doubtful that something new will happen to top that. If it does, you will be that much better off for not spending time and energy worrying about it. Once you realize that everything will work out and put your thoughts to better use, you will find that a number of things solve themselves.
  Next, learn to accept thing, and most of all, yourself. Situations don’t always work out according to plan. If you can be fine with that, you have a huge bonus on the person who doesn’t know what to do when everything isn’t perfect. Next, like yourself. There is no point in disliking yourself, since if it weren’t for you, you wouldn’t be around to dislike yourself. Perhaps that is confusing, but what is meant is that your life has made you who you are, and there is no point fighting against yourself. Disliking yourself is just having a civil war. You can not be pleased with certain traits, but those are things that can be changed. Amorphous self-loathing is never productive.
  Lastly, realize that you don’t just see your world with your perspectives, your perspectives are your world. A huge portion of life is interpretation, and it really makes all the difference. I have personally had experience where I had a change of perspective and things went from black to white. Moreover, I couldn’t even remember how I’d ever thought of them another way.
  To change your perspective, spend more time thinking about the positive, take joy in the little things and put your energies into something you enjoy, or choose to enjoy what you put your energy into. Realize that everything will work out. Finally, I find a little trick helps. Add positive adjectives before negative things. There is a world of difference between “my life is a mess” and “my life is a beautiful mess.” I often use this to turn things on their heads and responded once to a friend’s assertion that they were the problem with “and what a wonderful problem you are!” Life really is found in the simple changes of perspective that are always in front of you.
  Hope this helps
  Kalev
  
  - written 6 years, 1 month ago – voted for by rulerandmaster9

• (1 vote) how do i leave the person i love without it destroying me?
  

  Well, obviously the best scenario would be if you could resolve your differences. There are very few times where it is impossible for two people to get along. Most is because people value other things over avoiding or resolving conflict. Of course, this only works if both individuals want to work at it and may require some outside help.
  As for leaving, try to leave on good terms. Tell them that you love them, but that things just aren’t working out, and you want to open things up to help both of you. Make sure they know there is nothing against them and if things change they are a possibility for the future, but that right now you want to be friends to avoid the conflict. If they don’t like the conflict either they probably won’t be angered by this proposal. If you can leave on good terms, then, while it may be a bit weird, there won’t be all the drama that causes most of the problems when two people share the same friends, classes, etc.
  
  - written 6 years, 1 month ago – voted for by knuz

• (1 vote) My boyfriend is saying he wants too get married and we are only 15.
  

  What I am saying is that, from my experience, if you don’t worry about things, they will go a lot better. Stress is not only bad for your health overall, but it is contagious and others can feel it when they are around someone who is stressed. I am glad that your relationship has been going well. If you want it to keep going well, my number one piece of advice, is to let things take care of themselves. Don’t be too busy to do anything with him, but don’t wait by the phone. Find something to do and enjoy yourself. That way when he does call or come over, he’ll be greeted by you being like “Oh, hi:)” instead of “Finally!” As for marriage, that is great that he wants to marry you now, but I have a rule for things like that. Whenever people make some promise to me about some time more than a few months in the future, I choose not to set my heart on it. It isn’t that I think that they are lying, and in fact, most times I am perfectly sure that they mean every word of it. It is just that I know all too well how people change, and it is much better to get something good that you didn’t expect then to not get something you did. So, I would treat your bf’s talk of marriage the same way. Tell him that that is a wonderful idea, but that it will be even more wonderful when he proposes in 4 years. For the moment though, concentrate on enjoying the times you have with him and the times you have without him too. Not only does being able to enjoy yourself without him help you out if you two are ever separated, but it also makes it less likely that you will separate.
  
  - written 6 years, 2 months ago – voted for by Jeff

Last 5 Replies – All 613 replies »

• My boyfriend and I have been together for more than 3 years (living together for 2) and recently hit a roadblock.
  

  Find out why he’s not ready and when he will be. If he can’t tell you why, give him some time to think about it. If he still can’t tell you why, assume he’ll never be ready and do whatever you’d do if that were the case.
  - written 4 years, 7 months ago

• I am trying to play Starcraft.
  

  I lost the CD-key to Neverwinter Nights: Diamond Edition, and just emailed the company. They sent me a new one. Usually, if it’s an older game, your happiness as a customer is more important to them than a game that no one buys anymore.
  - written 4 years, 7 months ago

• Love of my life.
  

  Amazing letter! Way to go! Honestly, your clarity, humility, and determination are inspiring. BTW, in the sentence “Please XXXXXXX…” “on” should be “one”; just wanted to point that out in case you were going to give this directly to her. Obviously whatever is ahead of you, it is going to be hard. But believe me when I say it will also be worth it. Good luck, I’m rooting for you :)
  - written 4 years, 7 months ago

• my girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 months were
  

  That’s unfortunate. I can’t say I’ve had the best experiences either, but if I considered someone worth getting into a relationship with, then I would consider them worth having faith in. In other words, I wouldn’t get into a relationship with someone I didn’t already trust a lot.
  - written 4 years, 7 months ago

• I really care about this girl I just broke up with and I want to get her back.
  

  I don’t know if she wants time, but she needs it. I make it a policy not to date anyone until they’ve had some time being single after their last relationship. It makes for much healthier relationships.
  - written 4 years, 7 months ago

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