Mini-Profile
Do these things happen to you? You can talk with me about them, if you like.
1. mood swings, especially around the week before I menstruate
2. nightly increase in depression
3. intermittent yet daily difficulty in understanding what is being said to me, or what I am viewing
4. states of disaffect
5. states of anger
6. murderous thoughts when in certain agitated states of mind – none of these yet acted upon, and all being routinely considered yet discarded in high self- favour of more compassionate response (this, as with many other similar symptoms can obviously be a possible side effect of extreme frustration) as I favour compassion, intellect understanding, -in my more lucid moments, and consider them to be an important part of any evolutionary process.
7. contemplation of suicide since early childhood
8. seasonal changes –i.e. beginnings of any given season, sometimes other parts generally associated with any given season during said season- seem to cause a change in mental state, specifically a higher level of depression overall preceded by a higher state of euphoria in some way related to thoughts of the new season
9. inattentiveness
10. intermittent, non-existent or obsessive completion of tasks not generated/fixated on or chosen by myself especially. These, however more frequent when not my own idea, are still apparent in the face of an action I have thought of
11. fear-level? Associated with thoughts of such tasks
12. states of depression which appear to cycle with all other states and/or occur concurrently
13. extreme social anxiety to the point of minor? Agoraphobia
14. obsessive thoughts, actions
15. instances of head being warm- possibly a sinus related, hereditary? Issue – Also, on a site I visited, I THINK I found a hyperlink to a page where was discussed a sinus related problem of people with some sort of disorder of the types I have researched- I am unsure
16. thoughts of separate-ness and suicide and social misfit-ism since EARLY childhood. Think age 4.
17. My grandfather died when I was three years old. According to my parents, esp my mother, I had a deep connection with him; my parents tell me that I had been potty trained until that point, and that I undid that for a while. They also say that the –light went out of my eyes-.
18. Also, I was diagnosed with ADHD/ADD around the age of six, I believe.
19. I’ve always been a social outcast; most of the friends I developed as a child were not really… rather, they teased me incessantly , or at least appeared to. And the bullies were worse, preferring to play psychological games rather than outright harm me. Mostly.
20. Most – I say MOST, because a few people were absolutely wonderful, retardation, problems, social skill or lack thereof or not-of the people –teachers, students, faculty, whatever- at school were complete morons who couldn’t meet me on my –level-… I had fewer skills to cope with social interactions, and ended up coming off as arrogant, cold, etc… Even now I barely have any at all, and get upset when I am surprised socially in any sense.
21. I have also always felt a sense of disconnect from the world, and they from me.
22. People often look at me strangely, and conversely I often don’t look at people, don’t meet their eyes, -unless I make a conscious effort to- and sometimes stare at people.
23. I zone out. It used to relax me more than it does now, possibly due to my constant state of stress/worry. I do not appreciate this loss, and attribute it –parts of it, at least- to the fact that school and subjects I found to be related by type of experience, such as all things employment and job, as well as public speaking of any kind, to increased sensitivity to such things which in a way was built upon by my being forced to attend these types of functions in the wrong mental/mood state., and being told to – get over it- in various ways by various people. These same types of people throughout my life have also told me that –if I force myself, the fear will go away.- Riiiight. As far as I know, no amount of force will –get rid- of something that is inherent in a person’s gene structure, short of genetic manipulation through damage, experimentation, alteration or therapy. It doesn’t go away. But under certain conditions a person can learn to alter some types of these responses. Up to a point, mind you. This has been my experience.
24. Something of this thing I have – not sure what, exactly!! Haha- even comes out in my writing. I tend to write in circles… in type-able patterns. (type as in kind of, not type as in typing as in keys) I am a libra; I write pretty well, so my friends tell me. But I do not feel that to my core. I CAN feel it to an extent, but I often haveto reconstruct it because it does not stay, or keeps crumbling. I can describe myself very keenly as having an inside core, like a black box… I can’t get into it… and all around this my emotions are floating, like rocks or masks suspended by weightlessness. I am a philosopher, and often consider things that other people don’t. Like this, for example… when I think of the mind with regards to what it can reach, I can imagine my own personal perception of Everything (and I guess this is a metaphor for myself, but let’s not get too deep in a first meeting) sometimes I get this feeling –I’m a psychic- hate that word but there it is- like there’s a city in a clear dome, a beautiful place, but I can’t get ot it, no matter how hard I try. Is it myself? Other times, I feel like there’s a huge, beautiful door, that behind it is something wonderful, something transformative – I read too much Joseph Campbell!!!!! Hee hee intelligent man! Misguided a bit perhaps, -perhaps mind you, but still an intelligent man. Everyone is misguided a little bit. – anyway…I want in that door. Nothing else matters but that door. Then again, I AM a libra, and always seek Ultimate Truth. Unfortunately, being a Libra, I am a bit of an Objectivist, as I state on the next number of this list, which means that I can relate to the idea that Truth exists whether or not I am there to perceive it. Irksome though, because I WANT TO KNOW. He hee he
25. I am a bit of an Objectivist; however, I continually posit that no one philosophy or world view is enough to be of use to anyone. I tend toward the collection of many viewpoints, the more the merrier. However, crazy is still crazy, no matter if you realize it or not. Ergo, one can argue that some viewpoints are inherently harmful. Conversely, blah blah blah… converse of the converse of the converse- you get the idea.
26. I find neurolinguistics interesting this week, and want to learn a bit more about it while my interest lasts.
27. two seconds form now I may shift moods and decide I don’t care and want to die. This used to happen AL L THE TIME as a child. I thought I was fucked in the head.
28. I also tend to juxtapose letters as I type, and my mind often substitutes the wrong approximation for what I am trying to say, write or otherwise get across. See that? Some elements of Dyslexia in there! Hint hint. I am not saying I HAVE Dyslexia; merely that I exhibit elements of it.
29. I am good –mostly- at remembering song lyrics. Sometimes. And I sing incessantly.
30. I repeat myself, in several ways. i.e. in my writing, in my speech, in ideas that I am trying to convey. My mind is constantly going over and over things that have not yet been resolved, or that I have forgotten the resolution to.
31. I have trained myself, through a, frankly, wonderful and horrible maze-like ongoing process of trial and error, to recognize and distinguish different sensations in the brain. It was horribly confusing in the beginning when I was a child, but now, only at certain times. Now, I can do it almost any time I want, and this training has greatly increased my memory capability, as well as improved my though processes. If I want to remember something, and I can feel a thread of it, I can set my –whatever it is part of the brain- to following that thread, and usually I will eventually come to the end and remember what I was trying to remember. The thought of losing what I’ve gained used to be a major fear and still terrifies me though, if I’m in the right mood for it to break free of its little cage. Mostly I just tell it to piss off.
32. Pattern recognition is a widely understood talent of many libras, and I do this. A lot. Not that I believe wholeheartedly in astrology or anything, I just think it’s interesting when a new piece of information applies, and tend to try and keep the source in mind for future reference in the hopes I can glean more points of interest from the source material.
33. I am woefully understimulated. It’s like, I look at the entire world and I can’t find anything to do. Possibly a wrong response, I k now, but still. I feel that way sometimes. I can’t figure out what direction to take next.
34. Norepinephrin, anyone? Lack of motivational chemicals in my brain, anyone? Repeated and incorrect negative thoughts anyone? Lack of
35. Here is One example of a traumatic experience for me: When I was on a church trip –churches don’t lie us- they don’t like people who think for themselves and can philosophize at the same time- I was supposed to be watched, to make sure I got my pills. They said okay! Go get your pills and then get a drink. The notion that the church organizer lady actually thought this would happen with any consistency is laughable at best. Plus I almost drowned because nobody cared that I was stuck in a silty part of the lake and couldn’t get out. Nobody was paying attention. Again.
35. Go ahead: ask me about incident involving the menstrual stain on my track pants during weight training. Or the slice of cheese. Or the many stupid teachers. The incident with the pad during phys ed. Go ahead. There’s so much more!
36. Also, I read a book by Wayne Dyer once called ‘Your Erroneous Zones’. It helped me figure out how to move a headache from one part of my brain to the other. I really don’t need to do that much anymore, because I can do so much more since applying that principal to other things. This type of what’s the word… self-actualization? Really fascinates me. That, and neurolinguistics. Specifically, the way they applied neurolinguistics to the fact that Agatha Christie’s books are read more in England than any other writer in their focus group, and why.
37. Plus, the lady who runs –or did run at least- the preschool/bust stop down the street verbally abused me. And had a lady put her foot on my head during sleep time. Yay for me.
38. There’s probably more, but I forget.
39. Oh yeah… my mother said I was ‘worse than a hypochondriac’ one day last week when I showed her a thing on Aflyxithemia or something similar. I had been researching ADHD, Asperger’s, Auditory Processing Deficit and other related things, such as Aflyxithemia. I never said I Had it, merely that I wanted her to SEE the article. Sheskimmed it, then said that after making osme vague comment about how she’d know a boy who maybe had that. But the ‘hypochondriac- statement was the first thing she said to me. I am not, nor will I EVER be, a hypochondriac. Never. Ever. Ever. And It’s not funny. She’s done things like that before, in several different ways. At least –I- feel like it was that way during those times.
40. Yes, Libran personalities are prone to exaggeration. I go out of my way to NOT exaggerate, because I KNOW THIS. Does anyone care? Apparently not.
41. Then, a few days ago, at night when I was super depressed in one of my weird moods, I asked her to hold me. She did, and we had a nice moment.
42. See? I’m confused by her actions. And my father has ADHd as well, at leat that’s what the evidence suggests. This leads me to believe that both my parents have SOMEthing extra going on. Ask them about their respective families and you will see what I mean.
43. I also realize that people with ADHD tend to only remember bad things, or things that incur a lot of emotional response, because they need the extra stimulation somehow. See there’s that stimulation issue again!
44. I rarely feel motivated… ever. I force myself to do a lot of things already. It’s not fun. I even have trouble starting things I have dearly wanted in past months or weeks or years. Plus I hate touching things like garbage cans and anything gross or grimy or dirty or smelly. Dirt is okay, though.
45. I really like those chiropractic colleges where they keep the dead people. Once, I went with my then-boyfriend on a high school trip where we went to one and they showed us a tobacco-blackened lung and several bodies! YIPPEEE! (I’m a goth sort of.) The stupid teacher kept asking me if I was okay and if I was gonna barf or something, but seriously, it was either a cold or just a damn dry cough you know? The idiot woman kept asking me until I just sort of bitchfaced at her and barked IM OKAY. Haha. Shut up, damn it. Oh, I could tell you stories about middle school Home Ec Class, too.
46. Also, also, also AND also, wait I think that’s it. For now.
Where did you grow up?
Raytown
Where do you live now?
Raytown
What is the highest level of education you have attained?
Some College
What subjects did/do you enjoy the most at school?
Physics, English, Science (esp the dissecting), Art
What's your favorite sport or sports?
depends.
What kinds of jobs have you held? Industries too!
I worked for a few months in Juniors Dept. at Dillards.
What hobbies are you into?
Writing, Various forms of fanwork... writing...
What causes are you concerned about today?
all of them.
If you claim a political party affliation, which is it?
heheheh
Which religion (if any) do you follow?
none. I try to choose the widest path.