An out of work pianist with Tourette’s Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window:
‘Pianist wanted for evening performances’.
“Fucking get in there you cunt!” he says to himself and goes to the bar.
“Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt”, he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.
“Can I help you sir?’ he says.
“Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I’m here to fucking audition. Wanker!”
The manager is naturally a little put off by the man’s abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries,
“Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?”
“That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called ‘Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter’s Eye, And Now The Cunt’s Blind.’ “
“Oh” says the manager, somewhat taken aback, “err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?”
“Fucking wanker…” interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears.
The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title.
“That little number was called ‘Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.’ “
“I see” says the manager. “Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?”
“Well there’s my jazz number ‘Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece’, or there’s the epic ‘I Don’t Give A Fuck If You’re Older My Dear, You’ve Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs’ “.
“Look,” says the manager, “I think you’re a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.”
“Fuck it”, says the pianist, “why cunting not?”
On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him.
“Hi” she says.
“Oh, hello” he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear,
“Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?”
Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says,
“Know it? I fucking wrote it!!”
I did shout him right after i replied to you.
Yea i had noticed he hadn’t been on much.
It just seems to make sense as all the other mods are in USA so are on at similar times, and are off line at the same time, and this seems to be when all the trolls turn up, me being in the UK i would cover the times they aren’t around.
It’s just getting ridiculous on here for the amount of trolls, spammers and ad’s.
Besides that, i am fairly awesome, so that in itself is reason enough ;)
Fractal is the big kahuna when it comes to mods. All nominees get recommended and must meet with approval by all mods. Once they decide, that person’s name is given to Admin and they get some (but not all) mod privileges. Admin usually approves anyone that the other mods nominate no questions asked.
He isn’t on very often so that’s why I wanted you to take the opportunity to speak up. But I’ll do my best.☺
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. “I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!” “Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now.” “I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. “Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he’ll wake up won’t he? “Sugar, he certainly won’t. If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him.” Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!”
Close. My niece. I went to visit family and friends of my Dad’s recently. I hadn’t seen her in over 16 years and was surprised how much she had grown. And it surprised me to learn that she doesn’t have a boy friend. So I thought I would help her out by using her picture as my avatar. Know anybody interested…?
Sometimes I wish I had smaller breasts. Or at least a piece of wood to make them less noticeable.
But I also must admit when I wear more revealing clothing I get a kick out of watching guys eyes do double or triple takes of them. Especially if they are with THEIR girlfriend so they try real hard not to get caught. Sometimes unsuccessfully…
That depends, i’m waiting to find out if I got a new job or not, if I did, I should have them soon, if not, I have no idea, I can tell you - i’m getting more & more pissed off the longer I have to wait for them, I really thought I would of had them by now :(
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
“You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says:
“Yes …. How did you figure that out?”
“Easy..” she replies, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it’s over the girl says: “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
“Sure - I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl replies:…..
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O’clock in the morning, A resounding noise came form outside…
The woman, sort of bewildered, Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man “Shit!, that must be my husband!”
So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, Smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, Then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman “I’m your husband, you slut!!!”
So the woman answers:- “Oh, yeah?!! And why were you running?!! You son of a bitch!!!”
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “That smells like shit.”
The little old lady said, “It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?”
Little Johnnie’s neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Johnnie,”coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses”.
“One particular Easter Pastor William, as was his custom, invited all the children of the church down to the front of the church to preach a short sermon. And as was her custom 4 year old Ivy joined all her friends down front. All the children sat on the steps leading up to the pulpit except for Ivy. When Pastor William asked why she wasn’t sitting Ivy proclaimed, ‘My Mommy said that I’m not s’posed to… she said its the prettiest dress I’ve ever worn and is a fuckin’ bitch to iron!”
… over the speakers for all parishioners to hear.
At the office, the doctor tells the old man, “I’m sorry, sir, but you have lung cancer. You’ll be dead in a year.”
On the way home, the old man turns to his grief-stricken son and says, “Quit all that cryin’! I’m not depressed. I’ve lived 75 great years. How ’bout you and me go to my favorite bar and have a couple beers with my friends?”
So while the guys are having their beers, the old man breaks the news to his friends. “Fellas,” he says, “I’ll be dead in a year ’cause I got AIDS.”
On the way home, his son asks, “Dad, why did you lie to your friends?”
His dad replies, “‘Cause when I die, I don’t want them trying to fuck your mother!”
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