I have a lot of demons in my closet. When I was younger my dad was very hard on me I was a very naughty child and got up to all sorts of trouble. he used to hit me and my mother once he went to hit me and as I got out of the way I went through a glass door cutting my side badly my farther also cheated on her nearly openly everyone knew even us when I was around 12-13 my mother also then cheated and when he found out late one night he drove home drunk and he dragged her probably 50ft by her hair and was kicking and punching her in the face I called the police and hid crying and luckily a few minutes later they came a took us away a couple of days later my farther returned and they tried to get back together for a day but couldn’t and he left again. It was a very bad break up one day he came round shouting and my mother would not let him in so he smashed in a larger low window and entered anyway another occasion me and my mother went to his pub and all hell broke loose and he threw stuff at her and I smashed a window. During this time I had my first suicidal though and I tried to hang myself in my cupboard but couldn’t do it. Thought my life I have always been moved back and forth and already by now at the age of 13 I had moved over twenty times and we had to move again and then again a little while after to a council house. while living at this house I started to drink heavy and at the age of 15 I was drinking about 3 bottles of cheap wine a day I could afford this as I worked since I was 13 and still held a job I had never been good at going to school but now it got to the stage where I would go less than half of the time. one evening I was at my father’s pub and he was drinking heavily and I had a few drinks upstairs I arranged to stay at his house and when we went back we had a coffee and I he went upstairs to get changed he shouted me and I went up to help him take off his boots and he was then talking to me on the bed and started to grab me hard around the neck I pushed him away and he went mad and pinned me down I then kicked him off and went down stairs as I went down the dog went up I told my step mam who then said leave him up there to cool down when suddenly he kicked the dog (black Labrador) down the stairs she then went up to calm him and he threw her down and came down himself and started to fight me I threw him off over the table and he got cut from all of the cups on the table he then grabbed me again and I pushed him into a mirror and he got cut more he then grabbed me again and we were wrestling on the floor when I told my step mum to call the police which she did he then let go and I sat on the stairs, he then grabbed a solid sort of stool thing which was about 2ft by 1ft of solid wood and went to smash it over me as he did I kicked it away and ran out side he then chased me with a guitar and hit me with it I got it off him once it had smashed and hit him back and he then went back into the house the police arrived and I broke down crying. the worst thing about the police arriving is they blamed me and took me into the police station when they were putting me into the back of the van I realised that I was wearing white jeans which were now red with my father’s blood I then asked the police officer if I could take them off one was nice about it but the other was mocking me and pushed me into the van. when I was in the police station the nasty police officer was being horrid to me and when I bit back and swore at him he chocked me my mother arrive a little while later and they released me saying that my father was not pressing charges. the next major bad event in my life happened when we had our last day of school I drank a lot and was taken home by the police I was feeling really low as I had messed up all of my coursework and gotten really low mark, my mother sent me to be when she and her boyfriend were in the living room I tried to hang myself on the banister with a tie but they heard my leg twitching against the wall and cut me down they sent me back to bed and were furious and upset I then tried to jump through my window but I bounced off it instead of going right through it and cut my back badly and had to be taken to the hospital where I received stitches this was my second suicide attempt. I went to the doctors but I was young they sent me to a councillor but didn’t give me any medication and I didn’t really say much to my councillor. over the next few years I was up and down but mainly up until one day when I was feeling low I went mad in the house and walked off I intended to go and get as many pills as I could to overdose myself I took a strip of paracetamols before leaving but didn’t tell anyone my mother forced me into her car and took me home and I went to bed but nothing really came of it I took a few days off work and got back strait. a few weeks later we were going to move again and I went out with my now step family and drank a lot I went into self destruct and tried to cause trouble everywhere I went when I was taken home as I was being a pain and then went mad in the house and smashed up my mother’s house breaking every door and damaging other things I then left walking about 2 miles barefoot cutting my feet as I went then my now step farther got me into the car and took me back. after this I was ok for a couple of years until I got a new job as a kitchen manager working away I was working 50-60 hour weeks and drinking everyday just a pint or two at first but it got heavier until I was utterly drunk every night I kept this up for several months until I did a very hard week in work where I worked 110 hours in 8days strait through as I had to work at another place for cover I stayed at the other place and when I went back to my unit I was told that I left dirty plates in my room and the manager said that I would have to move out this was too much for me I had been emotionally and physically drained and when I went back to my room I broke down and stayed like that for weeks I felt like killing myself several times and tried to hang myself but I was caught and stopped I went to the doctors and I was given medication and offered a councillor but I refused this is I did not want to talk I was very depressed for months and couldn’t do the simplest of tasks without breaking down but I got better gradually with the help of medication and eventually came off them I then went to college for 2 years during this time I went to a family wedding and got talking to my farther again a few months later he was diagnosed with stomach cancer at first its wasn’t that bad but he gradually lost more and more weight and ended up skin and bones he couldn’t eat every time he eat he would be sick it was hard to watch and help him to eat he also went gray and lost his hair for the chemotherapy he started to get better and things were looking up he put on some weight and the doctors were happy with his progress he was walking again and had a lot more energy I was meant to see him but didn’t get chance then I was at my friends and received a call that he had died the cancer in his stomach had grown its own blood supply or something and as it died the blood supply had ruptured and he died within an hour this was devastating for me and brought up all kinds of feelings. about six months later my Nan was diagnosed with cancer we were very close as she used to come up every day when we were little and the cycle repeated she lost weight went grey and started to lose her hair a little at first things went well with her treatment but then things got worse again and she became totally bed ridden and spent only a few weeks out of hospital in the last months of her life. about nine months later my other Nan had a heart attack and was taken into hospital it was scary as I had just lost two close members of my family but she was released and we visited her twice over the next two weeks when suddenly she was taken back in we went to visit her but she was sleeping and my aunt told us that she had to receive surgery but she was ok for now a day later she had another massive heart attack and died. about a month later I met my girlfriend I then moved in with her went to university left due to housing problems and because I stopped going I think this was when I started to feel slightly depressed again I stopped going out and socialising unless made. I then worked for a while and went back to a different university until Christmas this year and did not go back after Christmas and I gradually became more and more depressed I had just messed up university twice and I had no job I was stuck in my flat all day and I started to get urges again but kept reminding myself of what my girlfriend went through. then one day I went to my mothers with my girlfriend my brother had some trouble with his neighbours I stayed for a bit had a cuppa and went back to the flat we were outside having a cigarette and playing with the dog when I received a phone call I thought it was about my brother my step dad told me to come up to my mother’s I said we would be up soon he told me to come quick and then proceeded to tell me that my uncle had died in a bike accident I broke down crying and quickly left things were already bad for me unemployed living on the bread line and now this is.
Hi I am 27 and I have suffered with depression on and off for years I had a few episodes when I was a teenager and had a major breakdown at 21 since just before Christmas (7-8 months ago)I have been getting worse again I quit university for the second year in a row and I have been unemployed since I lived with the love of my life and built my world around her but as I’ve gotten worse I became self centred argumentative and the relationship became strained her side because of the way I was treating her and mine as I started to resent everyone in my life including my friends and family. I have been more and more reclusive and don’t go out unless made and feel very uncomfortable around people that I don’t know and even with people I do on bad days which is crazy because normally I can talk to anyone. I have been having what I think are anxiety attacks sort of like butterflies in my stomach but a 100 times worse and I am anxious about anything and everything.
I had never hit my girlfriend but I have pushed her and stopped her from getting away from me in an argument by holding her wrists this is not common but has happened ten or less times. The worst thing I have ever done before to her was I once grabbed her around the throat at the begin of our relationship when she admitted sleeping with one of my friends and striping on webcam to someone she used to know this was a one off burst of anger and impulsive I scared myself and then proceeded to tell her to leave but we talked it through and even though it came up from time to time for a while after it eventually got forgotten and we were very happy together for a long time.
on my birthday I was watching the Xbox e3 video and my girlfriend kept interrupting me as she was cleaning and needed my help I was so self centred that I didn’t help her and when I had to move and the video crashed I went mad and smashed my earphones up we have always been argumentative it’s just how we are but this was totally unprovoked and I couldn’t stop myself.
a few days later we had a BBQ and I drank a lot and abused everyone, upset my girlfriend and my best mates while talking to one of my mate she and 3 of my friends went to his car to get away from me as they were all so upset with me. when I went back to the living room I was upset as no one was there I got the dog and started to ring them and look for them I was frantic at first because I didn’t even realise that id pissed them off so much but as I was walking through the local park looking for them something inside me started to tell me that she was having a gangbang with them over and over again bearing in mind she’s loves me it’s my best mate and 2 boys that are still virgins but over and over this played in my head I even started to envision it I started to threaten my mate and ask him why he was keeping me from her at this time I was angry at him and my other mates but not my girlfriend who I was worried about. when I got back to my flat I couldn’t rest I wasn’t drunk as such as it was 6ish and I hadn’t drank since around 1. when she came back I broke down and told her I was frantic why did she go why didn’t she come back sooner then she started to shout at me that I was being a dick to everyone and they wanted to get away from me she pushed me away and said she didn’t want to be near me I then went to her and she pushed me away again. then something inside me clicked and I stated asking her if she was having a gangbang she said no obviously but I started to shout and things get a little blurry then but I ended up biting her twice and hitting her once I then stood up and sort of stared at what had just happened one of my mates then came back and asked if everything is ok to me and my gf she went into the other room and I just cracked and broke down realising what I had done for no reason I started to cry break things I was smashing things over myself and screaming for someone to help me everyone in the room was petrified I smashed a glass or bottle over my head grabbed the glass and ran it down my arm several times and then everything sort of came to me I was still a mess but I sort of snapped back into reality seen what had just happened cried and said that I need to call for proper help I turned on my pc and got the number for a local mental health care place I rang it asked them for help as I knew I was a mess they said to go to A&E or call the emergency doctor was the only thing they could offer as they could not treat me without me being referred to them I then got the emergency doctor number and called them out the doctor called back and spoke to my mates they explained what had happened he then told them that he could not do anything and called the police and ambulance services. we all then went outside and waited for help to come I asked my girlfriend to sit next to me and she was scared at first but I said that I was ok I wouldn’t hurt her and I was in control I just needed a cwch she then agreed and sat on the door step next to me with my arm around her I then kissed her and she pulled away I asked why and she said her mouth was hurting from where I had hit her I then got upset again as I didn’t realise I hurt her that badly I then went back inside and went to sleep as I knew it was the best thing to do. I was awakened by two police officers and my arm was treated by the ambulance that then took my girlfriend to the hospital to check her injuries. I was arrested for assault and then taken to the police station I was checked by a doctor charged with common assault and then bailed with the condition that I could not contact her even through 3rd parties. I went back to my flat and my mate had cleaned the worst up for me but my girlfriend was gone with some of her stuff. the next day I was feeling like shit I had lost most of my friends upset my family who loved my girlfriend and worst of all hurt and lost the one person that I have ever truly loved.
first thing Monday I went to the doctors and they put me back on medication for depression while I was there waiting to see the nurse to put a bandage on my arm I broke down and told the doc just how bad I have been and she made arrangement for an emergency mental health evaluation in a few days to see if there was any other help I could get. I have had suicidal thought now and again for a long time but when I was with my girlfriend she could bring me out of my depressions easily just by being there for me, but I am now having them every night and through the day also but I can keep them as just thoughts as I have seen what suicide does to people and realise how selfish it is it’s hard to explain I have a sort of perspective on it now where I didn’t before if that makes sense. I just keep thinking about my gf who lost her mother to suicide and how it affected her and keep telling myself that I’m being stupid. I am due in court in a couple of weeks I think my girlfriend would drop the charges or withdraw her statement but she is now living with her step mother and father who are very controlling of her I am likely to be prosecuted when the time comes but as I have never been in trouble before I am unlike to get any jail time just community service and/or classes, fine but I don’t know what exactly what I will get, prison would kill me. But I am not focusing on this I am focusing on getting myself better there is always a little good in everything. I have lost everything that I loved done something that I vowed I would never do, disgusted myself and family lost many friends, lost my future as it was as we were talking about getting married and having children in the next 2-3 years and I am at rock bottom but I have realised that I have a problem and need help and I am seeking it. I am scared for my girlfriend at the moment as I know that her and her parents don’t get on she has been shut off from everyone so I don’t know how she is at all as my bail conditions are that I am allowed no contact to her at all even through 3rd parties. The day after she left she asked a friend for the dog which my sister gave us and I sent the rest of her stuff down as well so that she had everything she needed. I am riddled with guilt and I can’t even say I’m sorry to her I know that it won’t change anything that has happened but I feel it is the least she deserves and that I need to do it so that she knows that I truly am. I can’t ever make up for what I have done but I wish I could. I am also sorry that I have pushed her back to her family as she has had a very strained relationship with them.
Where did you grow up?
Where do you live now?
What is the highest level of education you have attained?
college btec distition
What subjects did/do you enjoy the most at school?
What's your favorite sport or sports?
What kinds of jobs have you held? Industries too!
chef, catering, factory
What hobbies are you into?
What causes are you concerned about today?
the metal wellbeing of everyone & me
If you claim a political party affliation, which is it?
Which religion (if any) do you follow?
my own belifes maily christian but not organised religion