Savanna_'s shoutbox - Help.com

We talk. And every conversation always leaves me feeling that I was the one at fault, that I’m the one who has to change. And I don’t think that’s fair. It can’t all be me. I keep asking myself, what do I get out of this that makes it worth it? Besides dinner a couple nights a week and someone to watch The Voice and So You Think You Can Dance with…I’m not sure. My job is stressful enough, my marriage should make me feel better, but most of the time I just…well…I’m not looking forward to going home at the end of the day, at least beyond the fact that I’m not at work anymore.

My wife is more like a man. She doesn’t talk about her feelings until they’ve been hurt. She doesn’t talk about what she’s feeling about life or the world around her. I talk about stuff like that all the time, and I think she tunes in and out. Depression is a lost concept for her. She gets sad, but a few days later she’s fine. She doesn’t understand the struggle.

But, I can’t leave. Not yet. I just…I don’t know. I feel like I’m closing the book before I finish the last page.

I’m going to break contact with my mom as soon as my dad is gone, provided he doesn’t come back to haunt me if I do. Which I wouldn’t put past him. She’s emotionally broken, and she puts a lot of guilt on me that I don’t need. A LOT. She isn’t healthy for me, really. But at the same time…yeah…she’s my mom. You only get the one.

Ok. I’ll still bug you here if I think I can help. Or, I’ll just leave you to your own devices….no, I can’t do that. I have to let you know that I’m still here, poking you with a stick.

We did try and talk last night. Turned into an argument, and then a fight, with another empty feeling at the end like no progress was made. I really think she was wrong this time, but….how the hell do I know? I’m emotionally…broken. I can’t read people the way you can, the way a lot of people can. Their emotions are completely…lost…to me. I think I understand them, then they say something else and I go…OH! NOW I get it.

The problem arises because my wife shuts down when she’s upset. She doesn’t talk, she doesn’t engage. She withdraws and is silent. She expects me to figure it out, without any help…and if she has to explain something to me more than once? Holy shit, it’s the end of the world.

I’m the opposite. When I’m upset, I don’t hold back. You get everything I’m thinking, more or less uncensored. And from her, I don’t get any response to anything. She just sits. Quietly. Staring.

So, I’m waiting. For what, I don’t know. My next safety net, I suppose. I’m 32, and I’ve never really had to stand on my own. Too scared to, now.

“Being well intentioned does not exempt us from the consequences of being wrong.”

I can’t remember who said that, but…that’s how I look at my mom. And I’ve said what you just said, many times: How can I be mad? She’s my mom.

I’ve begged my wife to give her a chance. She won’t. She wants me to cut all ties with her, and she’s probably right. My mom does nothing for my mental well-being…but…she’s my mom….I only get one. How can I let that go?

NOW who’s rambling…

Are you feeling better now? Please don’t try to kill yourself okay? Shout to me don’t worry, don’t be sad. There is a cure to all this. There is a way to end the pain without killing yourself. Please shout to me I have just helped a bunch of people here who were depressed.

Your mom is a piece of work. What a BITCH! Can I smack her, hard, with a two-by-four? Please?!?! I know, you don’t blame her, because she doesn’t understand, isn’t that smart, etc. It’s a parent’s job to grow with their child. That just makes me sick.

Feel better, Brooke. I’m thinking of you. In a totally non-creepy way.

Hmm…Like if my wife ever stumbled on here. It wouldn’t take her long to figure it out.

House is a great show, and I remember those episodes…they reminded me of my mom, actually, and her complete lack of trust for anyone, including her own family. I blamed her for a long time because I thought she wanted to be miserable. Time has taught me different.

If lack of focus and energy is all that ruined your weekend, well…that’s a pretty good weekend.

Don’t worry about responding. This is just, I don’t know, mutual ranting. I like knowing that someone is listening.

I had another thought.

You claim to be self destructive, right? Then why don’t you use your real name and divulge all sorts of personal information on here? You are very careful to say “the city”, “the country”, things like that, to keep your location and identity hidden. That seems to be some sort of self preservation to me. All I know is home is Florida, right? And your real name is…something…Brooke? Maybe? Can’t think now.

You sounded so much better 20 hours ago than you do now. Maybe it was the ice-cream? I think it probably was. For me, it’s pie. Unfortunately, I’m all out of pie.

I wish I had your answer, tonight. I honestly do. I wish I had…something, ANYTHING, that might help you right now. I’m sorry I don’t. So I’ll just say what I always say:

Please don’t die.

I was actually disappointed when it started repeating…weird, right? I’ll write more later, sometime. Gotta go to work right now! Ugh, on a Saturday, no less? Yuck.

Hope you got some sleep.

Teh heh….I’ll see your brick and raise you another!

Ha! A brick. You wrote a brick. Funny. Ok…where to start. From the top? Sure.

The way other people see the world is not something I’m interested in, because I think it must be boring as all hell. That feelings ties into my wife. She’s a ‘normal’ person. The sort of person who might get sad for a day, then wake up the next like nothing happened. I don’t understand people like that, really…people who don’t feel the world around them, people who don’t notice all the pain, all the foolishness…

Your brother died. Why negate that? I’ve said this before, all of our struggles are our own, and they are all equal. Just because there is a child in Africa starving, or dodging bullets to get fresh water, doesn’t mean that the billionaire’s wife who just discovered a 20 year affair isn’t suffering any less. Our struggle’s are our own, and however much they hurt us, you have to be willing to accept the fact that you are in pain, that you are hurt, and that IT’S OK. You don’t have to push away pain because you think it isn’t big enough, or worthy enough, of your attention and thought.

Sounds like you may have been on Zyprexa. Made me hungry all right, and fat as fuck. Anyway, I look at drugs like this: A child is born with deformed legs. He’s 14 and you see him in a wheelchair. Are you going to walk up to him and tell him to get up? He’s just being lazy? He should be able to walk on his own, if he just wanted to? HA! Ha ha. That’s how people think of depression, and that’s how people want us to think of it as well. As something that can just be…overcome, fixed, muted, run over, disassembled. Some of us are born different. We are born with the parts of our brain that are supposed to make us happy somehow…broken, out of balance, deformed. And if it takes a pill to fix that, to make us happy, to make us function, just to make us half-way ok, so be it. I don’t see anything wrong with that…anymore. I used to feel just like you. But after the first 8 years of being seriously depressed and realizing it wasn’t going anywhere, well…I made up my mind that I and others were going to stop telling me to get out of my wheelchair.

My mother used to tell me the same thing. The woman who had been in and out of mental hospitals since I was 14, the woman who had been on more drug cocktails to try and keep her sane than I’ve ever been on, the woman who started me down this road in the first place, kept telling me I should just try harder, that it was in my head, that I could change if I really wanted to. Bullshit. Heaping, steaming bullshit. Some of us are just wired wrong. We need a little help to fit into this world. I’m ok with that, now. I’m open about it, as well. I tell anyone who asks. I’m not ashamed.

My wife does not help, nor hinder. She expects me to be ‘normal’ which is fine. That keeps me sane enough to function in the life that has formed around me. If I found that person that understands me? Well, I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet, although I think I’ve come close, twice now. But the circumstances weren’t right, and once you have a life with someone, well…destroying that to build something new is absolutely terrifying. I would need one hell of a big sign to do that. It would have to obvious. I’m not taking any leaps of faith.

Something more? I honestly feel like I was put on this earth for a specific purpose, something of greatness. I also feel that the world, as we know it, will end in our lifetime. I’ve felt, since I was about 10, that I’ll be lucky to see my 60th birthday. For a time I thought that was because of my lifestyle, smoking, drinking, etc…but I don’t think so anymore. I think something else, larger than myself, is going to take me from this world. I think I need to be here for that. It feels…important. Like I said before, probably just ego, but…it’s there, like a looming dragon. Something is coming. I want to be here for it.

I think you should go to Florida. It sounds like the better part of you wants to go. And you also know, on some level, that you need to come back when summer’s over. That this would be….a break, so to speak, and a chance to step outside your routine. But then, you need to go back, finish school, save money, and keep the future in sight.

Do you know how hard this is going to be? I know you aren’t ready, but…that needs to be said. It’s going to be the hardest thing you’ve done up to this point in your life. Be ready. Be prepared. As best you can.

My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 5 years ago. I went to see him shortly after the diagnosis, and he was ok, still living at home. He was on a medication that was helping, and the prognosis was good, he should have had another 10 or so years before things really went downhill. Well, he ended up getting sick that fall, some polyps in his colon. The hospital didn’t check his records well enough before putting him under general anesthesia and used a drug that GREATLY accelerated his decline. Took the ten years from him. He never recovered, and had to go into a nursing home directly from the hospital.

I was so pissed. My mother just shrugged her shoulders and said, “What do you want from me?” “I want you to SUE the SHIT out of that FUCKING hospital!!” “I want you to take those incompetent FUCKS for EVERYTHING they have, until they board the place up because we OWN THEIR HATEFUL ASSES!!”

I quote that because that’s exactly what I said, five years ago. I remember certain words in pictures, so they stand out.

A few months later, my grandmother was admitted for a bad stomach virus. She just needed some extra fluids and to be monitored for a few days. We went to see her, and she was fine. Sitting in bed, complaining about the nurses and the doctors and the other patients. My typical gram. We went home the next day, and the day after I get a text from my mom that gram developed a lung infection and died. Again, the rage came spinning back, and mother refused to even call a lawyer. I did, but because I live out of state, and I’m not in any of my dad’s or gram’s paperwork, it was virtually impossible to make any progress. The hospital has lawyers just sitting around thinking of ways to protect themselves, and I couldn’t afford the sort of time that was needed to build a case. I have NO DOUBT we could have won, but…it’s just something I have to live with now.

The more I read about marriage, the more I hear people say that marriage is work, that marriage is something you have to think about and take care of and strive for. That’s what my marriage is like. It requires constant care and attention, like a little newborn. The problem is that I don’t think marriage should be like that. I refuse to give up the fairy tale, to stop seeing it the way you see it. It should be something that you can rely on, that is rock steady solid no matter what happens. It should be perfect. But you have to have the perfect person for that. I, like so many others, settled. I think my wife got the better end of the deal, although I think most days she’d rather have someone a little more…normal.

Music helps. Back and SanVean are helping currently.

Draw something…heh…I used to do that. Draw a butterfly. I love them.

To more concisely answer your last question, I’m ok. I miss my dad, I wish I was a rockstar, and I wish I was a gazillionaire. But I’m ok. I don’t want to die. Not right now. I guess I’ve come to terms with the fact that right now, I’m alone in this world. I guess I’m OK with that. My job is a huge distraction. 60 hours a week of my life are this damn place and its morons. That makes things simpler.

Oh dear. Still rambling. Ok. ‘Nuff of that.

I really don’t care how long stuff is. I’m a fast reader.
Beauty. That’s an easy one. I’ve never seen your skin, so it has nothing to do with my opinion of you. I think YOU are beautiful. A beautiful mind, a beautiful soul. Tragic, struggling, and beautiful.
I know you are at that wall, that point where it doesn’t make sense to do anything, where it’s all too hard. I’ve been there! You may not believe that, but…I didn’t eat for days. Why bother? I didn’t talk to anyone beyond polite responses…why bother? I had no job, no friends, no family, no purpose. I lived in my car for three months. All the time thinking, I’ve been like this for too long. Realizing I would lie awake at night at the age of 5,6,7,8,9,10 wondering about death and if God was real. Wondering why my brother and parents were sleeping and I couldn’t, staring at spots on the wall in the nightlight and imagining little worlds in them. What the hell sort of child was I?

I’ve never gotten an answer. I don’t know. And I’m still a bizarre human, struggling, depressed, feeling too much and too little at the same time. No one understands me, and very little makes me happy. Poetry and music help a great deal, but I still cry at commercials and then go blank for a few hours. Cigarettes, beer and rum are good medications as well. And I’m on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety. And this is…this is it.

But…and this is a BIG but…I still feel like I should be here. I feel like something big is coming for me, and I need to be here for it. That could be just ego, but…it keeps me going.

So…being an art teacher. Can’t you just hold onto that and sort of….let it be? Let it…soak in, I guess. I think it’s a wonderful, WONDERFUL thought to have. It’s more than I ever had when I was your age.

Ha. And you thought YOU could ramble.

I need to go to sleep, but I just wanted to say hi and let you know I’ve been thinking about you and wishing you well.

You are beautiful, to me, whether you believe that or not, I don’t give a damn. Was it so hard to explain yourself so we knew you weren’t talking about suicide, for a change?

Anyway, you are back to where you were three or four months ago. Only angrier this time. Three months from now, summer will be in full swing, and, if you’re still here you’ll think maybe it isn’t that bad. Then the leaves will turn, autumn will kick up the dust, and you’ll start to slip again. Cycles.

I think Ahhotep..or Mindhealer…can’t remember now…asked you what you want. What the hell do you want?!

Huh. Imagine that. We thought you were talking about dying. Any particular reason why we WOULDN’T think that? Don’t get pissed at us when you post something cryptic with no explanation, including words like ‘ending’, and we assume it’s about death. Don’t forget who you are to us.

And don’t belittle people trying to help. We assume that’s what you want by coming back here. If not, you should just close your posts as soon as you post them.

work on some art! create sometingn (bah!) something, anythning, it’s good.
That’s what I’m about to do. and eat possibly a good amount of food.

Get some sleep and eat something good. I hope you start to feel better soon

Please don’t be insulted if I don’t talk much. I suck, internet sucks, and I don’t always have access to my computer.

I hope you’re having a nice day

Please don’t be insulted if I don’t talk much. I suck, internet sucks, and I don’t always have access to my computer.

I hope you’re having a nice day

I’m sorry I had to go get ready for bed right after that.
I’ve been kind of avoiding help because it makes me think about how I’m not taking good care of myself and how much I need to do and how kind of hypocritical it is to go on here and encourage people to take care of themselves, then just sit around smoking and eating bad food and not putting much effort into life.

Encouraging people to work on art because it’s so great, but not working on art myself. Which is just silly. BAhhh! I think I’m going to sit in the woods and draw today.

How are you now?

are

hey, re you okay? please talk to me.. please, I don’t want you to do anything that could hurt you..

I don’t feel like writing much now, but, hi, how are things?

No problem.

Anytime.

*flap flap flap*

shout me if you ever want to talk.

I think you need to either shimmy yourself down that rope as fast as possible, or let yourself fall. Sometimes we need to be broken down in order to heal and change.

I think things are gonna be okay, I’ve been talking to my dad a lot. This year I finally found a place where I am really happy, relaxed, inspired, motivated, cared for, etc.
He doesn’t really believe me, he thinks I should stay in one of three places, even though I’ve been telling him I will be stressed and probably get worse in all three. One is a group home for people with OCD. I think I talked him out of that one, at least for now.

I don’t think any ribs have gone out of place in about three weeks, which is great. Apparently a lot of my issues are because of my neck.
Also the whole not being able to relax, but I will be in that nice environment soon and I will hopefully cuddle with the guy I really like.

Don’t apologize for ranting. I know people who don’t like help very much, so I try to just make them laugh. I send them funny or cute links, say funny things, etc. I’m glad your friend is talking to you again. And I’m glad you are being reminded of why you wanted to live, you should live. Life can be really great.

Speaking of links,
http://www.buzzfeed.com/geico/47-pupp…
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai…
http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisene…

This one isn’t so great, but 15 makes me giggle and kind of makes me think of maybe how you are sometimes hahah. And me. I don’t try to flirt much though, I don’t even know how.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/2…

Fuck the wire. Fuck what’s below it.

Learn to fly.

I’ve been stressed and busy sorry. And I’m super tired and have to be awake soon so I just want to say quickly,
I skimmed a couple things.

You haven’t tried everything, you aren’t all out of options, and you haven’t experienced enough. I don’t want you to stop talking.

You aren’t beyond helping. Even if you don’t think anyone can help you. You can do tiny things to help yourself.

I have a lot of love for you and I care about you a lot. I hope that things are alright.

not much sorry about that last one i was drunk
:/

hey ???why does no one wants to talk to me lol

Once I’m late at doing something, I just run away from it hahahah I’m sorry I still haven’t technically responded to that, I keep getting distracted too.

I’m about to go to bed, but I want to wish you a good day tomorrow and ask how you are doing.
So how are you doing?
and I hope you have a good day tomorrow. (and everyday)

haha it wasn’t sending.

I’m sorry you’ve been crying, but that’s really healthy too, don’t try to hold back. Let it all out. Don’t bottle stuff up because it’s so bad for you (I know, and I still do it)
I’m glad you’re talking with an old friend.

I’m glad the photos made you smile, those are actually alpacas, I think they look much more goofy than llamas. That is me, and yeah, I was full of life, I’m getting back to that place again.

I hope you sleep well and have a good day too. Just try to relax

one big reason to live: animals!!! this kitten is so cute! I have one of those toys with feathers on the end of a string and she keeps running out and doing these huge leaps trying to catch it. It’s so absolutely adorable and hilarious. She just flies through the air. Doesn’t always catch it either hahahah.

I suggest that when you’re sad, when anyone is sad, they go on youtube and watch funny cat videos. Unless they hate cats or are allergic and sad. Cats are so funny though.

one big reason to live: animals!!! this kitten is so cute! I have one of those toys with feathers on the end of a string and she keeps running out and doing these huge leaps trying to catch it. It’s so absolutely adorable and hilarious. She just flies through the air. Doesn’t always catch it either hahahah.

I suggest that when you’re sad, when anyone is sad, they go on youtube and watch funny cat videos. Unless they hate cats or are allergic and sad. Cats are so funny though.

one big reason to live: animals!!! this kitten is so cute! I have one of those toys with feathers on the end of a string and she keeps running out and doing these huge leaps trying to catch it. It’s so absolutely adorable and hilarious. She just flies through the air. Doesn’t always catch it either hahahah.

I suggest that when you’re sad, when anyone is sad, they go on youtube and watch funny cat videos. Unless they hate cats or are allergic and sad. Cats are so funny though.

Hi, I’ll respond to this more later cause I want to go lie down.
It’s absolutely fine for you to ramble and it gives me more details so that I can offer better advice and help and it really makes me happy to hear about the good things in your life. I’m so glad that you and your brother are becoming closer.

I really think that you should experiment with some medications, just don’t try any that could make you suicidal (it’s really weird that some anti-depressants can do that)

I think you should maybe move on from Justin and find a better person.

And do remember, it’s absolutely fine for you to write a lot. I don’t mind at all. I write super long things all the time hah.

I hope you’re having a nice day. Thank you for telling me I’m a great person, I’m a pretty shitty person in a lot of ways though, I’m really bad at keeping in touch and responding to people and I feel guilty about so much.

Hey, how did things go? How are you doing?

If he had other plans tonight then I think it’s definitely okay to reach out at least one more time, if you think it’s okay and you can handle it and want to.

hahah it’s okay. Make sure you drink lots of water and have something to eat.
Don’t drink more in case he does come over, it’s probably not a good idea to be drunk, a little tipsy is okay though.
Good luck! Don’t let yourself get hurt or depressed if it doesn’t happen.

-shouted at myself again, maybe I’m drunk?

I’m not really sure and don’t want to give you wrong advice, but the bonfire might be a good excuse to invite him. If you think it’s a good idea, just call and say, “hey there’s gonna be a bonfire tonight and I thought you might like to go” or something.
I haven’t had a boyfriend since 2010 hahah but it’s my fault/by choice, I don’t get out enough to meet people that I actually like, and I’m picky about guys.

Maybe try one or two more times, and if it doesn’t seem like anything will happen, then just accept that and move on. Don’t let it make you depressed. He seems like he could possibly be a jerk, I’m not sure though.

I’ve made so many good friends at college. And it’s not just friends, it’s so easy to start a conversation with anyone. In the beginning, I would just sit down at a random table in the cafeteria and be welcomed into the conversation.

I can walk up to someone I’ve met twice before and they will ask how I am doing and will be genuinely interested.
I once went to a smoking hut on a rough day, a blubbering mess, and there was this girl there who I had never met and we had a great conversation and she was very open with me and gave me really good advice. I’ve only seen her a few times since then but every time she gives me a hug and wishes me well and such.

They aren’t all wonderful, but a lot of them are really great. I think you would like it there a lot.

Hahah you olive animals? Aw that sounds really cute. She’s a rescue cat, she was born in the wild, so that’s probably why.

I think you should ask him if he wants to go for a walk and talk and apologize for being so distant and quiet before. If he doesn’t want to, then that’s his loss, you could be a really good friend for him.
Maybe explain that whether or not you’re hooking up, you think you guys could be good friends.

Hahahah what are you writing this on? I really am an awesome “Peterson”, aren’t I? hahaha.
and thank you.
The school is in North Carolina, it’s called Warren Wilson College and there are so many different types of people. I’ve found that many of them deal with/have dealt with depression and understand me more than kids at my high school. It’s a really beautiful place too, there are 25 nature trails, a pond, a river, and a farm. I honestly think you would get a lot better there. I know I did. I experienced happiness on a daily basis.

I’m glad you made a new friend! But be careful of losing an old friend.

It might be good for you to stay there for at least part of the summer if you have some people to hang out with, but it also seems like Florida makes you really happy so spend some time there too.

I’m gonna go pass out, I hope you have a good day tomorrow and some nice dreams!

Haha I was just writing a shout to you.

I’m doing pretty well. My sister got a kitten and she’s feral and really shy and skittish but we’re becoming friends and she let me pet her three times today. I love animals.

How are you doing?

I think you would really like it at my school. You should stick around and give it a chance. If you visit I can show you all the nice spots and introduce you to some great people. They’re really accepting and understanding.
Even if you don’t like me when you meet me, that’s fine, I’m 93% sure you will find someone you like and get along with there.

908 4056674 call me if you want to talk or something

because i wolf is a sharp animal that always knows what hi is doing, and always live in a pack, but there is always that one that lives out side of it and thats me !

i consider my self to be a wolf what about you ?

well im not like other people, i know is hard to believe, but i am, i am some one you have never meet before because, im not from this country, i was raise in a driftnet matter, so trust is all you have, and i will trust you with my story, my life and if you even want it with my broken heart so you can do with it as you please …

tell me why the wolf in the pic ??

tell me why dont you trust people ?

i would take the time to get to know you, i have all the time in the world you know :)

Of course I’ve moved on from relaxing to researching cancer and panicking a bit.

stupid anxious brain.

I hope you’re doing alright.

I sent you an email. I hope you’re doing well.