Bex's shout trail with hibbie - Help.com

my brain says to me ” whats the point,chances are u wont be here soon enuf anyway” Why? what’s this about?

so this is affecting me too coz i feel im just drifting thru life,waiting for soething to happen that neither of us realy wants to admit to. Which is why you need to act now! If I was close enough I’d reach out and shake you and say “come on man, pull yourself together, you’re wasting your life (and hers), get a grip and move on!!” then give you a swift kick up the backside!

gday bex,
hope ur going gud today.

we both know its the thing to do, i believe.but (and i cant fault her for this) she just doesnt want to say no and godbye.i feel like we are just killing time.i dont want to commit to anything coz a lot of my brain says to me ” whats the point,chances are u wont be here soon enuf anyway”

so this is affecting me too coz i feel im just drifting thru life,waiting for soething to happen that neither of us realy wants to admit to.

She’s not the one for you, and that much is clear. You need to end this sooner rather than later, because as much as it will hurt her now, it will hurt her even more later. At the moment, she knows this is on the cards, after a few more months she may have thought it was ok and be less prepared for it. You know it’s the right thing to do so for both your sakes, do it now. You CAN do this. Good luck to you!

thank you for everything. if u asked me the quesstion

“is this the one girl who u could see urself spending the rest of ur life with?”

I think i would say no.and that scares me ,and it hurts me because i know it will hurt her.

Exactly, this IS NOT the girl for you and you really need to move on, I’m not sure what other signs you could possibly see that would convince you of this. You need to look at YOU and why you can’t leave. What it is thats stopping you, yes, it’s scary and lonely but surely it can’t be as bad as where you are now?

It’s nearly home time for me but feel free to keep shouting me, I’ll reply tomorrow, I’ve added you as a friend too, hope that’s ok.

shes wonderful in so many ways but im just not attracted.why cant i just tell her that. she wants to have kids and get married but i think kids would equal lunacy.kids wont solve the problem,they only worsen it i feel

You said it yourself, you are letting yourself down and all you need to do to stop is to accept that the relationship you are currently in is unhealthy and get out of it, move on. Perhaps find some other ways to build some of your confidence back up so that it can transfer to your relationship, join a club or gym?

It makes sense and you and I both know what you have to do here. It’s just doing it. The fact that you don’t find this girl attractive anymore (as well as all the other obvious signs) should tell you that you need to move on! Don’t stay just because it’s easier, and you don’t want to upset her, what about your future? Do either of you want to have children at some point? What kind of relationship will you be bringing them into. It’s not healthy and you really, really should find the ‘balls’ (brutal but true) to leave (for both your sakes).

yeah im back with her now. she says to me that if iwant to go i should go,but i think she is banking that i wont have the balls to actually go.

is it so wron gto say i dont find her attractive ? we went to a party last night and i found myself looking at other girls,and if im honest i was more attracted to them than to her.i cant apologize for that ,its just how i feel.

if im BRUTALLY honest i dont think i tried with her,there wsnt an attraction.and i feel now (and this makes me sound like a bastard) that if im not trying in my personal life,then i wont really be trying in any aspect of my life.

im letting myself down.does that make sense to u?

I take it you’re back with her for now? I would guess that she’s frightened that if you talk about it ‘those’ feelings will come back and you’ll want to go again (of course, you and I both know that not talking about it doesn’t make those feelings disappear). You really should try to talk to her about it, it’s not going to get any better if you ignore how you’re both feeling. If you tell her that you’d rather talk about the feelings than have them all bottled up inside (doing more damage) perhaps she’d be willing to listen at least?

too many thoughts bex. i feel lost. its been two weeks since i walked out and shes said nothing about it,like it never happened.

i had too bring it up a couple of nights ago and when i did it was like pulling teeth,she didnt want to talk about it.

Hi Hibbie, how are things with YOU? I’m ok thanks for asking.

hi Bex,

hows things with u?

Hi Hibbie, I understand what you’re saying, it is very confusing and a big step (both staying and going). You need to make sure you are doing the right thing for you. I will tell you that, to me, you seemed more positive and happy when you were thinking about leaving than when you were thinking about sticking it out. I hope you get some help from your counsellor friend and that they can help you see things more clearly so that you can decide what you really want and go for it! I wish you all the best, keep in touch!

i really am just confused. some days i think im happy and others im not.maybe i just want a getout clause so i dont have to deal with reality.idk Bex,im just all over the place.

i emailed a counsellor i used to visit years ago,we had a good raport so hopefully he can give me some good advice,as he knows how i am ,or what my modus operandi is .
theres just so many “what ifs ,it makes my head hurt.

u know what i mean?

Hi Hibbie, it does sound like you are trying to justify staying (to a degree). Let me ask you this, if she was ok with it and just said “ok, nevermind, we had a good run, see you around” and then that was that, how you then feel? Just make sure you aren’t holding onto the relationship because she’s upset and hurting. It has to be right for you (as well as her). There will be things you don’t necessarily like about your partner but only you can decide if they are going to make or break your relationship. If one of the things you’d like to change is her entire personality perhaps you should move on. Don’t settle for second best though. Let me know how you get on.

well i spoke to her and she was in pieces,like she was havinga panic attack.so i went to see her and the rest is history.u know tho bex? i dont know if ive been looking at this from the wrong angle.i think maybe im selling her and me short.i think maybe i shud appreciate the sum of her ,rather than focusing on one or two things i dont like.does that make sense?

we get on well,sure theres tings id like to change about her but im sure theres things she’d like to change about me.

does this make sense to u or is it me just dreaming up another way to justify staying?

let me know

What happened?

i collapsed completely.

Hi Hibbie,
You’re bound to have doubts about this, it’s a big step and a very emotional one, but you have to keep telling yourself why you’ve done it and that it was the right thing to do. You’re making a new life for yourself and this girl is someone you’d settled for, she is not ‘the one’. Allow yourself some time to grive the loss of the relationship but try to remain strong. Let me know how things are going now.

hi,

i left this afternoon.im in a hotel now.i was feeling not too bad but now i dont feel so good.
im worrying about having left,where im going,what ive done.

Oh, I don’t have computer access tomorrow (I only have access during the working week, while i’m at work). Feel free to shout me though and I’ll reply on Monday. You’ll be fine!

No problem! Good luck. Be strong and remember all the good reasons why this is the right thing to do. You’re about to create a whole new future for yourself. It’s exciting!

thanks for all ur advice.2moro is d-day so if u can look out for a shout form me it will be greatly appreciated.again thank u

hey, it has it’s moments, remember you are doing this to make your life (and hers) better! Let this decision empower you. You are holding the future in your own hands, have a little cry, get it out of your system, then wipe your eyes and get on with the plan. You can do this!

listening to indigo girls “closer to fine ” crying,isnt life fun?

But it sounds like you are ready to put this plan into action now. This is the right time. We’re (help.com) all here for you during this time so you’re not alone. Don’t let the fear stop you. Feel the fear and do it anyway (as the book says).

ive had a plan for so long .its just going thru with it.i suppose one doesnt want to leave what they are used to ,whats comfortable-even if they know thye cant stay

This sounds better, you’re formulating a plan. Are you in a position to be able to afford to leave now, go to a hotel and make the necessary arrangements?

Bex,

ive spent my whole life catering to otheres needs;and its left me feel hollow.So the way to conquer this trait is to find something u want to achieve ,and achieve it.FOR ME

I did that.I wanted to emigrate to oz.i did it in 2006 and she followed me out and managed to get me to give up my dream.so for me now i believe the way back is to look at the last two yrs and say to myself

“get back to basics,look after u,so what u want “

so i feel oz is the place for me.

Would you consider moving back to the UK? Did you move to Canada to be with her?

im living in canada where i know no one but thru her.my path out is to stay at a hotel.i worry that ill give in and come crawling back.im afraid that with no support network i will capitulate.

i can see what needs to be done,i just need to conquer my doubts

Ouch! Ok, do you have somewhere else you could go? Your parents? friends? Perhaps it would be worth talking to them first, to prepare them for you moving back, and giving you the support you’ll need.

not only do we live together ,we live with her parents

ive tried to leave b4 and failed each time.

I know. The doing it is the hard part. Perhaps you could write some stuff down to make it easier for you to say what you really want to her. She’s bound to have questions so prepare yourself for that. Do you live together?

it all makes sense .but its just doing it,u know/

I know you feel bad but give this girl some credit, she will be fine, she will get over it, she does deserve better. This will be hard at first but later you’ll be so glad you’ve done it, you’ll feel better and in time, so will she. Or you could stay together and never find true happiness and settle for second best?

we have talked .she knows im neither happy nor sane at the moment.part of her is being selfish and wants to hang on no matter what the cost.another part of her tells me to go and focus on myself

this is the hardest thing ive ever done.ot only am i looking our forme first but im breaking this poor girls heart.i feel like ****

But remember, in this situation if you are putting her first (or you for that matter) the kindest thing to do would be to end the relationship. I know it’s a hard habit to break but you need to work on yourself before you can be ready for a relationship. I would suggest you break up with your fiance and start working on making yourself happy. That has to come first, before you can make anyone else happy.

i dont believe in myself.i can count numerous times where i have been seeing a girl that i wasnt attracted to ,we get on well,but the passion isnt there for me
they always ended in acrimony coz i want attraacted to my partner.eventually something has to give.so for me its like trying to break a lifelong habit of putting me 2nd and someone else first.

i get nothing out of it except how i feel now,and no one else wins too.

You said, “nearly twenty years ago i saw a girl in my class,and i couldnt speak,my jaw dropped,my stomach went to jelly.i knew there an then that i cud marry her and be happy.we dated for a whiel,she broke my heart and left.”
So now i’m wondering a couple of things…
1. was this a trigger for your low self esteem?
2. is this why you felt the need to settle for this current girl? fear of not feeling those butterflies again? In case it was a one off deal?
3. she broke your heart, perhaps you’ve settled for this girl so that it wont happen again?

Just some things to think about.

That is a personal question really and I think different people have different expectations. I never thought that what you described was possible, until I met my husband on a train. I’m not suggesting you wait for an amazing moment but rather that you not settle when you know it’s not right. I know you don’t want to regret your decision but the fact that you’re not just going through a rough patch (as you’ve known you were settling from day one) seems evidence enough that this isn’t right for you.

this may sound ridiculous but bear with me.

nearly twenty years ago i saw a girl in my class,and i couldnt speak,my jaw dropped,my stomach went to jelly.i knew there an then that i cud marry her and be happy.we dated for a whiel,she broke my heart and left.

so my quetion is:

Is it wrong to wait for that “OMG my heart is coming thru my ribcage,the butterflies have amassed in my stomach feeling again?

You’ve said it yourself, you settled for this girl, which means she is NOT the one. As such, the kindest thing to do, for both of you, would be to end this relationship so you can both move on. You can continue to work on your self-esteem issues outside of the relationship but it is unkind to keep playing this ‘game’ with this girl. Doesn’t she deserve someone who will think of her as a princess? You know it is the right thing to do, you also know she’s expecting it. You just have to make it happen now.

the night i met her i settled for her,i knew i shouldnt have but i did.i was doing so well as counselling ,trying to put me first and then i go and ruin all my hard work.

i suffer from low self esteem- which attaches me (not attracts) to girls WHO like me ,and unfortunately the feeling isnt really reciprocated on my part ,no matter how hard i try .

becoz i always know imve settled,

Exactly Hibbie, that’s the risk you take, but if you have to wonder if she’s ‘the one’ then she’s not. I do beleive that is out there for everyone and you would be settling for second best if you stayed (and if she’s not right for you, then you’re not right for her either). You need to see it differently, as setting you both free. It is always difficult to get use to a life apart after being together for so long but remember you both deserve the best, and it doesn’t sound like being together is it. Do it for both of you. Who knows what is out there waiting for you!

i fear being alone.having to start over again.she’s a wonderful girl but idk shes the one.

i feel depressed and so the thoughts of havn to start over again are daunting.i think we cud have a gud life together but i just dont feel crazy head over heels passionately for her.

but will iever get that? i suppose thats teh risk of life.eh?

Hi Hibbie,

What is it that you think is stopping you from going? The fear of being alone? The fear of having to start over with someone new? The fear of losing THE ONE? You need to look more closely at your reasons for and against. Feel free to shout them to me if you think it will help.

Hi Bex,

I feel really really confused.i feel like im being pulled apart at the seams.”go or dont go”

its wrecking my head.any advice