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Its okay. I don’t reply very quick either. You don’t suck. I don’t want you to feel guilty or anything its okay. Whenever you want to talk , or have time without being stressed. I don’t know. I feel depressed lately. More than usual. But I’ll be alright. Hope you have a good day :)
Okay. Glad to hear it. Its good to have a place you’re not constantly stressed out in.
Your neck? What do you mean, its from tensing up? Anyways, I’m glad those are doing better too. Yeah that guy will be there soon huh.
I guess so. I don’t know what to make of it.. peoples words dont usually effect me so much. I mean like, i TS always nice when friends try to help or talk or if I can help them but they don’t really make me think much differently.. he does.. it bugs me. He shouldn’t. He’s someoneI only know online too.and he’s mean sometimes too. . So that really gets to me.
He told me to stop drinking.. and I actually did. I don’t consiter that to be a good thing. Even though he house has been pretty dry for most of the days when i had the chance I said no.. but that could just be from feeling sad. I don’t know..
Io give them a look.
How come you’ve been stressed out?
Are your ribs feeling any better?
I’m all out of whack. And I just don’t understand it. Its my damn friend. The one that saved my life. That came on to talk every night just because he wanted to help. Every time i allk with him.. it reminds me of those days. And it reminds me of why I wanted to live too.. I want to help him somehow. But i don’t know what to do. I try to talk with him about what’s wrong with him and he’s one of those people that bite when you try to help them. The thing is.. I am too. So when he tries to help me i snap at him and when i try to help him he act cold.. I do no..
Sorry. I just sort of started ranting. I care alot about you too I hope you feel better try to have a good day.
Goodnught hope you have a good day tomorrow. I saw the email you sent those lamas are pretty cool. My neighber has two guard lamas.. haha. I don’t know if they do anything but they sure I’ve me a death stare when i go to see the sheep they’re with. Thanks for the pictures. Made me smile =) and you look like a person pretty and full of life, I think that was you in the photo right. A smile :) was nice.
Worth saying thrice lol.
There are some really neat things in the world .. but there’s a lot of wrongness too.
I have to sleep. I’ve been crying for two days straight now. I think its time to get some rest.. started talking with an old friend.. which I’m so glad to be able to do, but also very sad. It brings up a lot of the past and i don’t know what to make of mine..
Thank you for asking though. You really are a great person and I hope you have a good night. Or are a lest sleeping right now as it is two thirty am.
Well. Justin didn’t show. I don’t think he wanted to.. my brother doesn’t like him much anyways haha. I did get to bond with my brother though. And I got to know his friend. I’ve always been like one of the guys but my brother told me all these personal stories and we just talked. It was nice. I don’t think he knew I was actually capable of talking till after tonight. I really do trust him though. If something was wrong he would be the one I go to. I’m kinda gladjustin didn’t show I like these moments with my brother it actually feels like a family. I mean, my moms a stoner and not he brightest tool so.. I don’t have much in comments with her besides a bad tempermint. I’m a little out of it I drank about three cups of rum and somked pot for a bit so sorry if my spelling is bad or whatever I can’t really tell.
Its really cool when someone does that. They are complettly open with you and try to help and care. It takes a lot for me o talk about my feelings now a days.. but I did with them some tonight. I don’t know. I talked about how I used to come home and drink till I passed out. Told him how much I don’t like my mom, but that’s about it. I’m not exactly an open book anymore. . So Cory, that’s my step brother, says its alright. I just keep to myself more he understands.
Honestly, I don’t think anyone knows what to think of me. I come off as quiet and cold, but I’m not shy. I come off as calm but I’ll drink and party. A lot of it is the depression, its always there and it effects the way I behave, but in some situations its less than others. Sometimes I really do just let go… but i make sure its not around d people. I know I have trust issues but I’m taking small steps to be open.
And I’m blabbering. I really am sorry about that. I feel bad about talking about myself so much. Because I’m so used to helping others. Ull put their needs above my own. If yoe ever do need to talk or anything I’m here. I know sometimes I might seem self important I just like to write. I do it to my friends al the time over emails and such its just my way of venting. If it wasn’t to you it would be in a journal or someyhin. So sorry to go on.I’m drunk. I should slep.
7 months, 3 weeks ago
hahah it’s okay. Make sure you drink lots of water and have something to eat.
Don’t drink more in case he does come over, it’s probably not a good idea to be drunk, a little tipsy is okay though.
Good luck! Don’t let yourself get hurt or depressed if it doesn’t happen.
Um si I went to get CA chicken. And i found rum in my momd room. So I’m AI little drunk I guess.
I called him he said he might be doing somim not sething else he doesn’t know. Well I called tho. So less stressed.
That’s cool its great when people as friendly like that. I’m trying g to focus but i cn I didn’t knew I WA thout that out f it I’ll do later though when I’m more sober sorry.
I am really glad you like your school. It sounds like a great place with great people. I’m still two years away from graduating tough. But when i do go to a collage I hope its one like that. I was thinking of just maving back to Florida in the city but., something about it doesn’t seem right. I want to get to know the people here., its just so hard.so have you made any new friends from there?
Haha sorry. Was about to pass out and I’m using a touchpad.
I did.. I walked right up to him and asked if he wanted to walk with me during gym. You know how they have those big circles you walk on? Well we did one circle, just talking about random stuff.. but he didn’t flirt or anything. He wouldn’t even call me turtle, which is his teasing pet name fr me cause I’m shy .. after we made one circle he told me he had to go talk with his friends.
He told me he left hs phone at his friends house. And his ex had it. And i sent that text I Tod you about. She probably deleted it. I was thinking of calling him today but.. I don’t know if he seems interested anymore. I made things too awkward. He knows I’m not going to sleep with him. I wanted to invite him to our bonfire tonight though and ask for a retry.
Another problem.. I think he has a girlfriend. He told me that he doesn’t usually date other girls and hpits usually just having fun or whatever I don’t know what to make of it but i still want to be his friend. What do you think? Should i try to call and see if he wants to come over and i can talk with him or shoul I see the red flags and jut have a depressing night alone..
Glad you’re doing well. Kittens are so cute :) why is it skitish? Was it a rescue or is it just adjusting to being around people? I olive animals too we just got baby chickens in the mail (haha) they all follow me around in the fields its pretty neat.
I don’t know. I talked to that guy during gym but he seemed busy and avoident. I can’t call him cause he said his friend has his phone. I really liked him.. I still want to invite him over to hang out., but i think i lost my chance. Either because i didn’t talk or what happened was awkward or he has a gurlfriend I don’t know. Fucking sucks why did this have to be complicated?
My art program is kinda like that. We are all friendly. I made a new friend Tyler but problem is he’s my friends ex and currently Haas a girlfriend so she gets mad at him alt. I just don’t like drama. I never have. Where is this school? I don’t remember if you told me, sorry. I think you’re a really kind and awesome Peterson but i honestly don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
I can try to make friends here.. or I can go back to Florida for the summer problem is I’ll have to come back and then i don’t really know anyone here. I’m trying so hard to make friends it doesn’t work :/ so lost and confused right now and no one has the answered..
She was. I just already knew the answers.
Over the head.. I gave up on caring a long time ago. I don’t care about people either. Don’t care if people care. Dependance on people.. is a very stupid thing. But it does save life’s and make friends even with the pain it could cause.
Yeah. And that second reason is why I don’t talk about it anymore. That’s the thing about life, what happens happens. I’ll do what I’m going to, you shouldn’t let it effect you so greatly.
Oh, no I didn’t. She couldntent help me. She told me she can’t help me. She said I already know coping skills and function well. She basically told me I’m too smart to be able to get any help from talking abouypt my problems. Want proof? I spent five days in a hospital with people who said the same thing in a rather redundant unusefull way.
Use to be anorexic I guess. I didn’t do it for the purpose of getting skinny or whatever. I just didn’t see a reason o care enough to eat.
I’m glad that you are sorting through your problems. I really am. It must be horrible to live in so much physical pain all the time. I think youre doing great trying and staying strong. And I really hope whateveris wrong gets fixed.
I don’t like telling people this.. because its a lot of what I never wanted to admit.. I mean I used to pray and hope and talk and even now I had strong moral beliefs..
I’ve given up. I’ve lost my faith. I don’t mean in a god. I mean people life. I don’t believe in it anymore. For my own reasons. I talk with you about all this because I want to know how your life is going. I care. And i realize that there’s two parts of sharing, so I’ll tell my part if someone asks a bunch of times. But i don’t care about me. There’s really no magic pill you can take for “I’ve just stopped trying to care” thing is.. I could fix it if i wanted to. Like flip o the switch. I don’t believe life is worth it though. I don’t care about me, not as in, I hate me, I just don’t care any ore. I don’t care what people have to say about me and I’ve heard a lot over the yearsl. I don’t want help. I don’t like this world. I see it all.. I feel it all.. the wrongness of it. And that’s my problem my choice. Its not something to fix its just who I am. I don’t know if that will make sense to you or not. It tends to go over peoples heads. If so, I’ll understand. Its an odd concept.
I hope you get everything you want in life. Nature is amazing and this world is wonderful. The people who want to be happy should be. I really hope you find happiness.
Is there a way to go to the doctors and get them fixed, your muscles back to normal and all that?
I had to get a root canal once but had to wait for three weeks with this throbbing pain and a hole in my jaw it sucked. Its like, if you take pain meds it helps some but they make you tired and well I got addicted to mine. But yeah.. living in pain all the tie does suck. I’m sorry
Didn’t work out. We couldn’t find a ride. Now when i did, its too late damn it. Don’t know if i should be relieved or disappointed. Both I guess. We’ll try another time i guess..
I don’t view my own relationships with people that way. If I love someone its not from just being attracted to them. I care about them, and genuinly wish them well. Don’t believe in “in love” so no problems there I guess. Still, seems pointless to be the one to put in so much effort.
So.. I figured out why my my mood has gone to shit. The only time hormones actually do effect my depression. Makes it really bad for a few days. Maybe I’m just being negative then. And bitchy maybe I’m just a bitch lol.
Wouldn’t know. I generally don’t let things go so far as adventures.. maybe I should try to. Maybe it could turn out badly. There’s. A lot of maybe and I don’t know which is true or helpful no smart to listen to..
Er I started drinking an hour pas sentences might be a bit scrambled sorry.
That’s what bothers me. He’ll eventually go away so why car in the first place.
I’m just lie you.. that’s what I did too, haha…
I feel like an ass now. got all upset and angry and, like always, worried and cared too much and made something out of nothing.
Well he said thats ok we can still do something. I don’t know my head hurts and I thnk im gonna vomit need to relax.
sorry for sending so many shouts im such a perfectionist then things go to shit..
hope you find that bunny.
Oh look I worried over nothing now we art going. Weathers gonna gonna be bad and he can’t get a old of his friend so.. I got to text the guy saying oh sorry no party, but you can still come over even though there will be nothing to.. godsamnit..
I’ve kissed a guy before and I’ve sorta done stuff but it was with a really good friend that i felt completely comfortable around.. was mostly just hanging out close touching..
I know nothing about this guy. He seems really cool and relaxed all the time I’ve only broken that smie on his face once and its cause I asked him over and he got he wrong idea and seemed scared. Girls flirt with him all the time. He’s a really funny and cool person. Its intimidating..
I’m afraid of being just another girl that throws herself at him. I’m afraid of coming off as too goofy he has such really awesome friends that are girls and they’re just like him and I’ve already messc up around him a lo I’m worried..
Is it weird to say. I’m afraid to tell him I like him. I mean.. everything he’s done shows he likes me.. but I don’t want to be that open. I don’t want to afmit it because then it becomes real I don’t wan to get my hopes up and have things go wrong. I started crying one day after talking with him because i came of a so cold and uninterested and all I wanted to do was talk to him but i don want to let him get close I don’t know what to do I can’t decide I… I don’t know..
I cant ask questions like that he’s a pretty chill seriousish guy.
What am I doing.. I can’t talk to him. I’ve never even been to a party before, he goes to them all the time. Physical stuff freaks me out and I want to be um.. friendly with him. At least a hug or something.. but I don’t know what to do if it turns into more. Do I want it to? I really like him.. but this is all new to me. I spent three years not talking to a soul now I’m going to get drunk at a party. What if he wants to um.. kiss. Or.. I don’t know. I’m going to make a fool out of myself I know it..
That’s another thing hat scaresbme. I’ve never been to a party in my life. And this is going to be with like eighteen year old drinking and stuff.. I really don’t know what to expect. Alone time with him scares me too I don’t know what to do I’m so nervous..
What questions can I ask him?
Oh he already knows I’m bad with people but should probably tell him anyways.
That’s good that you tried to each out. I know its hard and awkward but i think its worth it.
Yeah.. I think we are a lot alike.
I think too much too..
I don’t like hugs or showing compassion.. it makes me want to cry too. I always break down when I’m in someones arms and it really bothers me..
soooo.. I was in the gym today, trying and failing miserably at talking too that guy. I even joined in the kick b all game because he was in it only to get in the way of their game. So I did the most reasonable thing. Ithrew up my arms walked out of the gym and sat on the floor in defeat. A few minutes later he walks in the room saying that my friends told him about the party my step brother was taking me to.. ( everyone just hanging out and drinking) ahhh.. I don’t know if I should jump up and down or puke.. I’m not a people person. I don’t know my stepbrothers friends or even how the “party” is going to be. I was fine when it was just me and a friend hanging out.. no worries. Now he’s going to be there! Ahh.. I’m going to screw up. I’m so awkward around him I’m going to not be able o talk or talk to much or.. I feel sick.
I hope your days going well you should do some kind of art project with them most people find it pretty interesting. I drew a skeleton hand making the peace sigh in pen and spent about three days on it. But he said he liked it and thought it was really cool and that we should make a giant one with swirls and sht.. so I gave it to him. I can make something else to get credit in art hah.. ._.
Lol, I did that a lot when I was new to help. Still do sometimes now. Your minds probably busy with other things no wories.
I sent him a fiendly message on Facebook instead. I’m better at writing anyways. That just gets under my skin though. Baby steps I guess.. it takes me so long to warm up to people and i feel bad for acting cold at times but its just the way I am..
I drew him some stuff he asked for and have been trying to talk, which comes out mostly as a strained laugh or “that’s cool” ..
I want cookies too now.. mmmm warm and goey and chocolate yumm,.. darn you lol.
8 months, 3 weeks ago
It’s hard to take big steps when doing stuff outside of our comfort zone. Take little steps. I’m kind of bad with that stuff. Sometimes I give out presents. Maybe a little bit of candy, a cookie, (oh goodness I want cookies and frosting and whipped cream).
Don’t feel bad for not being able to hug him.
Glad you’re feeling better.
I’m trying to be more outgoing.. my step brother was really sad today I walked up to give him a hug and backed down now I’m shaking. Sigh. Its so simple. Its just a person, same with talking or whatever.. it probably would have made him feel better. But i fel t like I was going to puke. I’m trying.. I really am.. I’m just so bad at it.. I don’t hug people. Now I feel bad for not though its just the way i am..
The guy. I do no. I se him tomorrow I’ll tell you then. Have a good night.
:( I’m sorry about your ribs and hope you feel better. maybe tak some painkillers or something to ease the pain if you can. does that happen a lot?
Today was okay actually. I can’t help but hold this air of sadness over everything, but I’m trying to be more open and outgoing. my step brother keeps trying to get to know me so im trying to put forth the effort there. trying to get closer with some friends, and with that guy I see at school.
so your all packed, did you leave yet or are you too sick?
Lol I’m drunk and having an argument with some selfrichous wacco about if sluts should be raped or not. I not that heartlesd but its amusing to see her feathers ruffled.
Hope you have a good trip. Be safe.
Maybe you can set up an appointment when you get there.
8 months, 3 weeks ago
I’m going back to my mom and stepdad’s house for a bit, then to Vermont and Maine to visit family. I’m kind of excited because I get to see my dad soon.
I probably won’t see my school friends for a while though.
I haven’t seen a doctor because no chiropractors are working at this hour/an hour ago.
How have you been?
Where are you going?
Did yo see a doctor?
That’s great. Its things like that that make our day. :)
You should carry around d a water gun. When they won’t leave– squirt squirt– “bad roomate” >:D
lol, it’s okay. I do that alot too.
Glad you’re doing okay. what happens tomorow?
9 months, 1 week ago
I’m doing pretty well and I think I’ll be even better tomorrow.
How are you?
10 months ago
10 months ago
haha no I’m not actually living with therapists, just four young adults who often act like they are. It’s really good here in a lot of ways. I’m trying to move somewhere else.