I was born into a disfunctional home. Predestined to be a failure in every sense of the word.
My very own biological father abused my brithers and sister and raped my sister as well.
Instead of my mother removing her husband, my siblings were placed in fostercare,
group homes and facilities. After he went to prison, my mom began dating another man.
He too was addicted to drugs and alcohol. Although he was addicted, there were many times
that he was my personal savior. By the age of 5, a family member forced me to oral sex.
This particular incident was a one time event as he murdered a 21 year old local woman
named Tammy McCaffrey. He is due to be released in a couple months. By the age of either
6 or 7, 2 other family members began molesting me although I am unsure of which of the 2
started first. The abuse of 1 of them stopped when my mother walked in and caught him.
He was sent off to a group home and we never discussed it, It became one of many of the
” pretend it never happened” circumstances. That has to be what I hated most. At some point
the other family member was caught by my sister, He was sent off to a group home as well.
We all ” pretend it never happened”
Even after he was “punished” he got outand repeated the same offenses over again!
The mother that was appointed to protect me didn’t bother.It wouldn’t be the first time and nowhere near the last.
Besides the sexual abuse, I was emotionally and physically abused as well. My mom would use whatever
was within her hands reach… broom stick, 2 by 4, belt, switch, cable cord. I can’t honestly say I didn’t
do things that were deserving of discipline but there were a few times that her anger was misdirected.
I used to go with my step father alot during the day. The very first time I knew about his drug problem was
when I was about 6 yrs. old. I had gone into the kitchen at my friends house to tell my dad I was hungry,
( I wasn’t supposed to leave out of my friend’s room) When I opened the door, he had a needle in his arm.
He would later convince me he was “sick and took medicine that way” He usually would drink and use
drugs until nightfall and then I was to walk him home from the time I was about 6. I was scared many
times but wouldn’t speak up because if I did, I would have been left there with my molester so, if anyone asked I would always say “
we walk each other home”. Even as a child, I quickly learned how to rationalize particular behaviors to avoid the possibility of
sexual abuse. I loved him deeply and followed him around like an abandoned puppy.
My mother supported his habits and me and my siblings would have to wear clothing from the thrifties and eat food from local churches
as a result of it. Although we never went without food, The level of care we recieved was mediocre and resent5ed how her low self esteem resulted
in us being punished unfairly through no fault of our own. There were domestic violence issues mixed in with all of this as well. Honestly,
I can’t really recall a time during all of this going on that I ever thought some of this stuff was obnormal in the privacy of everyone else’s
home too. Anyway, my step father walked out when I was maybe 11 or so, after getting a crack head pregnant I can’t quite remember.
I began reading at a 12.9 level about that same time, my academic scores were great. By the time I was in 5th grade I began to aspire to become a police officer.
Until of course my father was killed by one during a robbery gone bad. He was chemically addicted and was shot during an attempted robbery.
My mother was pretty glad about it, she even laughed a bit! I clearly remember her telling me that she had gotten pregnant with me after she
was raped by him and she didn’t want me, I was a mistake, he hit her with a car and she went into labor with me, my delivery was troublesome
(not her exact words) and that he was worth more to us dead than he was alive. ( survivors benifits) I guess that didn’t matter too much
because she had been saying those things to me my whole life. I started to act up mainly because I didn’t want to live with her. I went through
many group homes and facilities. They would send me back home from time to time but I’d show my tail to get out again. Everytime I was placed staff
would notice my intellegence and manners and be puzzled by my ” at home behavior” I couldn’t tell them about all the insanity, I thought my mom
would get into trouble and dispite what she had done, I still loved her deeply.
When I was 11 yrs old, one of my brothers was accused of rape. He took the case to trial and won because my mom and another so called family friend
took the stand and lied for him. She later admitted that she lied for him to me and others. I was appauled by thi8s, I knew how it felt to not get the justice you think
you deserve. She said ” you’ve got to protect your family”. I saw the girl when I was a bit older and was able to speak with her several times.The damage was done and deep
down inside I knew there was nothing I could do to make right what my mom and brother done to her.
When I turned 15, my mother died of cervical cancer. She was 49 years old. For particular reasons I believe she let herself die because this world had simply been to
devastating to her too. Right after she passed away, I was given the opportunity to live with a relative rather than the group home I was currently in. ( The same relative
that had sexually molested me for years, got out and did it again. Irationalized with myself that I was not a kid anymore, he had a girlfriend now and there was noway he would
ever do that again. He didn’t. But it was already too late for me atthat time. I had been hurt, damaged, depressed, hopeless, devastated and orphaned by the time I was 15.
I didn’t want to live. I attempted suicide several times in my life.
His girlfriend ( at that time) honestly tried to help me but I was not in the right frame of mind to accept it then. By the time I became an emancipated minor, I had an
apartment and had the responsibility to pay my own bills. I recieved $299.00 a month which I obviously could not live on so I started to sell drugs. It was at this point that I
also started to drink myself into oblivion . I had a baby by a 31 year old addict when I was 17 years old. I was caught in a drug raid and had to serve time for my stupidity.
It was not my only offense, there were many times I made really bad decisions that resulted in negative outcomes.
The very last time I got into trouble, I reached out to jail ministry. Had they not been there, I would have gotten out, returned to the same enviornments and behaviors that
got me in trouble in the first place. Eventually I began to work with jail ministry and stayed there for over 4 1/2 years. I also attended O.C.C. in order to study human services.
I gave birth to an 8 month old stillborn baby at the beginning of my marriage. I did my best to keep pushing forward. I had a steep decline in my health and learned I had an illness
- i.b.s. and chrones. And shortly after broke my ankle in an attempt to give a homeless person money. I was again wondering if god just didn’t like me. After all of this One of my siblings
children was raped and sodomized by the same brother who had molested me for many years, it was at this point she finally openly admitted that she had caught him with me, only when her
disclosure of the situation had benefitted her. He was found guilty but later got his conviction overturned due to ” insufficient council”. I found myself fighting old resentments again.
One of my other brothers ( the one for whom my mother lied for) was accused of murder in the homicide of a local woman by the name of Karen Kirk and a second rape of another one of his
neighbors. I knew from the very beginning that it was him who had commited the crime even before they actually charged him. I was saddened by it all and wished my mom would had allowed
him to be held accountable for his crimes the first time, maybe she would not have had to die.
I was determined to make a change in this unjust world. I studied everything possible, in college and through jail ministry and online courses as well. I prepared a 16 week course called
I am not writing you in an attempt to get you to feel sorry for me, I am still standing and i grew stronger and better from each struggle I faced. I have a deep desire to use my
education and experiences to impact the lives of others.
My dream is to aquire enough funding to startup the 16 week Project Impact program in SYRACUSE, NY.
Where did you grow up?
Where do you live now?
What is the highest level of education you have attained?
What subjects did/do you enjoy the most at school?
Social Studies, interpersonal communication
What's your favorite sport or sports?
What kinds of jobs have you held? Industries too!
Jail Ministry advocate 4 1/2 years
What hobbies are you into?
Writing, teaching, cooking, fishing, tetris, singing
What causes are you concerned about today?
If you claim a political party affliation, which is it?
Which religion (if any) do you follow?
I believe in god.