Jezzan's reply history at Help.com

Do not, do not tell her she needs to lose weight. That will only lead to crippling her self esteem and making her think that her value is based on her weight. Trust, even if you try to do it gently, it still hits hard. Chances, if she asked, she’s thinking about. But it’s a decision she has to make for her self, not for you, or anyone else.

The only exception would be if she were morbidly obese, which is, or will cause serious health problems in the future.

As to just walking, well that could be fine. Losing weight slowly is less stressful. Perhaps she’ll start walking a lot and see a couple pounds drop. This is very motivating. Then she may cut out sugary sodas and drink from her diet and see an even bigger change. She may get fond of losing weight and then do it all on her own.

Only don’t suggest the walking as a way to help her lose way. Just say hey, I feel kind of restless, want to go for a walk. I really enjoyed that walk the other day, maybe we should do it more often.

Avoid, any mention of weight, even health related weight like the plague (unless morbidly obese). Girls in this generation are so sensitive that any hint to the fact others think them *fat* will poisen their self esteem, and might lead to over-eating and depression.

You should not kill yourself, you have children and if you know you are changing all you can do is plug on and eventually you will be able to convince others. Help your children as much as you can and hopefully become a stable father figure in their lives. Something they desperately need (it’s been proven over and over). So no you definitely should kill yourself.

I do want to say that that comparing your pain to other peoples struggles isn’t right. It’s your pain and it’s hurting you badly. Don’t let people belittle that and make you feel even worse for the inner troubles you have. You and your pain and unhappines are valid, I don’t care if some kid in Rwanda has it worse off than you–it doesn’t mean you hurt less.

That said, just remember, getting your life together takes time and the best way to deal with the guilt you seem to feel over your children is to become thta stable father figure in their lives and be there for them. Even if you can never really be financially secure, hopefully you will do your best, and remember no matter how poor you are you can still be a father to your children. (Although I’m not encouraging you to be lazy by any means, and I don’t think you are.) You sound like you have the strength to do what you have to, so go for it.

Yep that happened to me, only I was the chick. It sucked, the worst I’ve been hurt in my entire life. The guy and I are friends again, but (a) it will never be the same (b) even though I love him and think I have forgiven him, sometimes the memory of what happened in the past, what he said and did then, comes back and gives me sharp pains and makes me wonder, “Is this guy going to do that to me again if I trust him once more?” and “How can this be the same person.” and “What if becomes *evil* so and so once again?”

So, you have to know that when someone you love deeply hurts you it takes a long time for you to be able to trust them again, and the fear of being hurt that badly may stop you from ever trusting them again.

Are you just trying to be friends with this girl or do you want a relationship? Was what happened basically that you told her you didn’t think it was working/neglected her and stopped calling?

Also I’m wondering exactly what your weight and height is? If you are at a healthy weight but have too much “flab” or fat, focusing on weight training and toning your body may help. Building muscle increases your weight but it makes you slender, strong, and calorie burning machine. So even if you weight more you may fit into smaller clothes.

After rereading your post I want to add that of course you feel hungrier after you exercise! You’ve raised your metabolism and that means the food you do eat will be burned off quicker. On the other hands it’s important to eat the good foods. Things with fiber, whole wheat bread, oatmeal, etc, good sugar such as fruit, low fat dairy products and lean meat for protein. Also if you like vegetable, have at them, snack to your hearts content on baby carrots. These things break down so much easier and have so much less calories than the processed, packaged foods we often buy that it will burn right off you. I find yogurt to be extremely useful since it has both protein and sugar. Of course be careful in the kind of yogurt you buy.

Another question. Do you drink non-diet sodas, or alot of fruit juice? I find that cutting out sugary drinks from your diet is a simple way to immediately cut down on calories but not feel like you are missing out on too much. But don’t think that b/c you drink diet, water, crystal lite, that you can eat foods that have more calorie content–that would cancel out the effect.

Do you eat a whole lot of carbs and sugar? I’m guessing you do since that what most junk food is made of. Now I still occasionally eat too much junk food, but something I did really helped me.

Basically I broke my addiction to carbs, and tried to realign eating in my life as a necessity, not a leisure activity. Obviously it’s nice to enjoy food, but if you have a problem this can help.

What I did was rather extreme. I did the first two weeks of the South Beach Diet (note, no the Atkins diet which is not healthy at all). The South Beach Diet was very hard, but ever since then I’ve seen the lasting results of having way more control over my eating than I used to.

Hope this helps, Jessica

Well I know that God is supposed to be All Loving, but I looking back I don’t think I ever really felt that God loved me, I “believed” it, I mean I didn’t think I thought differently for a long time, but now I don’t think I ever really believed it.

No matter what I thought I thought, or tried to beleive, now I think that the characteristic of God I focused most on was Judgement. Also all of the things I was brought up with, the things I’ve had to step away from, everything my life and faith was based on saw the Word of God as infallible, and considered every word of the Bible to be the word of God, (although the New Testament was what was applicable to our lives now that Jesus had come). And I’ve never really prayed to Jesus much, which my evangelical roots view as almost the “softer” side of God, the one who intercedes, comforts, etc etc. Of course technically God is three in one so it’s still God . . . but yes. You can see I’m now just a jumble of thoughts and uncertainty.

If all the Bible is not infallible how do I then shape my beliefs? How do I then form my relationship with God? How do I know who God is? And of course under it all is the fear that there is no God but that the communication people think they have with God is just something their mind created. If children create imaginary friends they believe in, then why not adults?

Well you can definitely apologize, and honestly you cannot joke with someone in a way involving belittlement until you are truly comfortable together. It can take a while even when you are just friends, and it will be even more sensitive in a gf/bf relationship.

Also, she may have been feeling other things you said were bringing her down, but not mentioned it. Try asking her if this is so? Explain you would not want to make her feel that way, and after finding out what things have hurt her (if its more than just that one), avoid doing that again.

You really just shouldn’t insult her.

Beatlemaniac thank you again, and I definitely liked your poems. Particularly the last one you wrote, under “I Wrote this Poem Last Night.”

My3sons4ever: thanks I know you were just trying to help. Through a number of things my mood has definitely lifted since Tuesday, (knocks on wood). I suppose when my thinking is all screwed like that, and I think life is worthless then I don’t want to hear that other people made it through, b/c making it through scares me b/c of all the pain and struggles I know I’ll have to go through.

candp: Guilt definitely came before the depression (but I’ve had anxiety all along). Ever since I was little things I did wrong would make me feel extremely guilty. Sometimes I didn’t want to be caught (shame), but when it came to my mother I felt guilty and used to fess up to her. And I always felt terrible when I had to do it again. I finally figured out that I’ve had my mother and God mixed up all these years. I tried to ignore it, but I think most of the things I haven’t done, and many of the things I did do in relation to Christianity I did for my mother and not for God. But I was always guilty about my “sins” in relation to God (mother?) and so I would ask for forgiveness but I don’t really think I ever felt like I was absolved. My mind knew how it was supposed to work, but I don’t think I ever felt like it was true. I know I have these issues now, but I have no idea how to deal with it.

If I found out God definitely existed I would spend the rest of my life searching out who God was, and if he is the God of the Bible. And if so striving to live according to what I think about him.

What if you found out that God is the God of the Bible and that the Bible is his divine word, in fact the infallible word of God? I know I would live the rest of my life struggling to follow the statutes of the Bible and seek belief, faith, forgiveness, and holiness. (Not to mention trying to overcome my guilt complex).

If I found out God didn’t exist, then in my darker moments I’d probably kill myself.

14 or fifteen. :). Maybe it would be better for you to hold off. That’s a small age difference but at your age it can be much larger.

However, I would say a 15 year old with a 16 year old can be okay. A 14 year old with a 16 year old is a little iffy. I wouldn’t go out with a 14 year old. And if you have this many doubts about it then I think you already believe it would not be a good thing to do.

Okay, so that would make her . . . fourteen? fifteen? and you sixteen? seventeen?

So get to know her and re-evaluate later.

Best luck.

Then there is no harm in getting to know them as a person, but you might want to hold off on the physical side for a little while to find out whether or not all you like is the physical attraction.

I guess I wouldn’t say that you had “fallen” for someone b/c she is physically attractive, but that you are attracted to her and want to know her better. “Fallen” implicates a deeper emotion.

Ahhh . . . as a Christian theoretically you are searching for a serious life mate, no?

Now many relationships begin with physical attraction and that’s not wrong, but you shouldn’t start a serious relationship or become too involved before you have explored their personality as well. If you don’t like them, or don’t care for them, are still attracted physically and act on it, then I would say that would be wrong.

I’ve had very real dreams sometimes that don’t fully dissipate even when I wake. You can even experience hallucinations if there is a glitch in your mind in the limbo between awake and asleep. Please reply and say you are okay. I wouldn’t like to think that I read someone’s last words.