Kanna's reply history at Help.com

Haven’t been here for a while :D okay eleven months or so.
Anyhow this year, if you want to know, has been much better than the last one, and hopefully much worse than the next one. I found some new hobbies that made me happy (I don’t do them any more but that’s okay). Right now I should be studying for exams so this will be a short notice.

Thank you everyone for your kind wishes! (I think maybe some of them worked at least a little). I am trying to keep going and it’s working for now.

In a few months I’m moving to a bigger city. Half of me is scared to death, while the other half is excited, maybe there’ll be people with more similar interests. Ahhhhh…..

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN; YOU GUYS ROCK!

I hate to be pessimistic, but I can’t stop myself. WP, I’m not trying to attack you or anything, this would be the last thing I’d do since your posts have helped me feel better when I was in a pinch and I’m extremely grateful.

But it’s not true that we’ve shown the ability to create whatever we conceive, when there are so many problems in the world. Take uncurable diseases for a start. Then world peace, which we’re nowhere near. Famine.

Also, I think that mentally, we’re degrading. Unless you count geniuses, I’d say that 90% of our species have not evolved one bit when it comes to psyche in the last couple of thousand years (which I know is nothing evolutionally speaking, but still). I’m talking about the people who do nothing all day but get up, move around, work a meaningless, unchallenging and boring job, go shopping, come home, watch TV, maybe sometimes spend time with other people just like them doing nothing worth mentioning, and in the end go to sleep, and do the same thing all over again. Every day. Wasting their lives away. The robot / zombie type, if you will, that never does anything significant in their life except live at the expense of society. I don’t see how they could or should be omnipotent. And I’m woried about turning into one of them too.

How big is your fridge, XD?

Warrior Poet, are you sure you know what ‘omnipotent’ means?

As for yoga… I’ve tried it a few years back and it only made me feel worse (it’s not logical, I know). It made me feel really bad and I stopped doing it. Wonder why that was. My friend says she read somewhere that meditation can affect some people in a very bad way because they have childhood traumas and that I should see a psychiatrist. That’s her version of support.

Makes me wanna step out of myself right now. I feel strange.

But the existence of time is not really logical. Think of the period of one hour. Divide it into minutes. Sixty. Then seconds. 3600. Then take one second and divide it into two, into four, into eight and so on to infinity… where does it end? What is the smallest unit of time? The division has to end somewhere if we want it to exist. But we can split it infinitely. Same as distance. WTF? So where is time then?

I know, I know. I’m just tired of being disappointed in people. (Not saying that the problem is in them, I don’t think the problem is in anyone, it’s just hard for me to stand other people’s boring little trifles when I am always too preoccupied with my own oh-so-much-bigger problems). I think I just don’t fit into the society I’m in.

Lately I’ve stopped going out at all. It’s become too much of a strain to be around other people and pretend I’m happy and normal.

Yeah, and I’ve never liked that thought. It makes me awfully lonely, wouldn’t you say? And I’m sure there’s something other than me even if it’s somehow connected to me, because I don’t feel like I am ‘everything’. I don’t remember making ‘everything’. It was there when I was born. I have to believe that minds other than mine exist. Otherwise I’ll slip into insanity.

Thanks for the song, Tony (and for coming back here). I have a very slow dial-up internet connection so I can’t really open up anything from Youtube, but when I go back to college, I’ll try to check it there ;-)

If the Earth is a living organism, then if we were to start colonizing other planets, would it mean that humans are the sperm cells of Earth?

Isabellaboo, well some people just can’t help but ‘ponder’. I think you’re lucky if you can just wave those questions aside.

Obviously somehow time does ‘exist’, but I think of it more in terms of it being connected to the notion of ’space’. Time is for me just a difference between the positions of objects in space. For example you could ask yourself the question if time would still ‘flow’ or ‘pass’ if every single atom in the universe would stand still. Would it? I think it wouldn’t, there would be nothing to flow. Time as we know it is just an illusion.

Great topic, though.

Wow, Sevenfold is really gone. I’m a little worried about him/them.

I just think that in theory, having all the personalities work together would be too much of a strain for the physical parts of the body.

Yeah I agree, to try to be indifferent would just mean repressing the problem, and I’m a little more intelligent than that. And you’re right about me being very emotional, though I don’t show it to people (I’ve been called cold and distant many times and that’s just adding to the bitterness).
And you’re right about those people not being my real friends. But they were better than nothing. At least they were fun to hang around with, with them I could just relax and laugh and I miss that. It’s also a pain because I thought that with them I’d finally found people who have the same weird tastes in literature, art and movies as I do, which is something I haven’t found anywhere since. The books and movies I like are a big and important part of my life and I miss the opportunities to discuss them with other people. Of course, these are all things that I can live without, but I still regret them being ‘taken away’ from me in a way.

Now, Warrior Poet and Mossy Glade… thanks for your posts, I just realized how much I’ve been missing an intelligent discussion.

In a way I know what you’ve gone through, WP, because I’ve had a similar revelation about three years ago. When I was young(er?) and stupid(er?) I used to be afraid of a lot of things. Mainly other people, I was very antisocial, I was the kind of girl that was afraid to open her mouth in public. I was curious about a lot of things then but equally confused about them. Then in one week, I had a radical change in my views on the world, so radical that I thought I was suddenly given almost all the answers, everything became much clearer, like I’d gained an incredible amount of wisdom in such a short amount of time. That feeling is hard to explain. It lasted for about ten months or so, which was the happiest period of my life so far. (Now it hurts a little to remember how ignorant and happy I was). It was all triggered by reading some book, but the thoughts were mine. I got some more insight into how the world works, I connected some missing dots when it comes to human psychology, I suddenly got rid of all my social inhibitions, gained a profound love for knowledge and basically, hopped on a differend level of thought, I’d say.

I don’t know why that state of mind ended, but when it did I started getting the first symptoms of depression and anxiety. That’s when my whole carefully built system of thought collapsed, after realizing that I still don’t know the basic facts about the world, such as why it exists, why we are here, where are we going etc. Lately I’ve developed a sick fear of dying (not the actual act so much as what comes after it). I started doubting everything, the existence of God, the existence of people other than me, and basically I’ve convinced myself that either I’ve gone crazy, or everything outside me has. And now I’m journeying towards recovery.

And taking a deep breath, there, it has finally come out. Any thoughts?

My last panic attack was yesterday when I managed (once again) to convince myself that I have a terminal disease. How idiotic. Now I’m actually thinking of going to see a doctor and get some tests done.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a horrible thing, Amber! If you ever come back to this site, I think you should try some kind of meditation. Your problem is probably something like an enchanted circle - you’re afraid of dying because you have a heart condition, then you panic about it and the panicking increases your heart problems! The only way out is to break the circle. I wish you’ll feel better soon!